Saga Mara Wars Trilogy (Humor, AU, OT-era) ANNOUNCEMENT APRIL 4

Although I do miss Anakin. It was great having my own nephew drool over my curvy, sexy ass?

Wait...now how exactly are they related?

Great Post!

AG88

 

Wait...now how exactly are they related?

Anakin Solo, not Anakin Skywalker. You know, Mara's nephew, the kid that drooled over how hot his aunt was, and Mara was like, "Don't drool on the carpet." And Luke was standing there, grinning like a dum-dum. I think that was in Balance Point.

Glad you liked the post. More later!

 

I realize that Geith, but that means that either Mara is married to Luke in your fic or you have Mara and Leia as sisters in this AU story, or Leia is married to somebody other than Han and Mara is the sister of that spouse. Which is it?

Or should I do as my husband often suggests: "Repeat to yourself--Star Wars is not a documentary! It is not a documentary!"



AG88

 

I realize that Geith, but that means that either Mara is married to Luke in your fic or you have Mara and Leia as sisters in this AU story, or Leia is married to somebody other than Han and Mara is the sister of that spouse. Which is it?

None of the above. Since when does logic apply to this story? I just take any and all arguments about why Mara supposedly sucks and make fun of them (and one of them happens to be the infamous "Anakin drooling" scene from Balance Point). Logic and continuity be damned!

 

Oh..Okay.

AG88

 

If Luke is in a metal bikini I don't know if I'll be able to finish this story...

 

If Luke is in a metal bikini I don't know if I'll be able to finish this story...

Why RedGold? You are not planning on shoving a giant magnet down your skirt and then casually walking past Luke just to see what happens, are you?

I wouldn't mind seeing Luke in a metal banana thong. Ewww...but wouldn't that be a bit chilly?

AG88

 

If Luke is in a metal bikini I don't know if I'll be able to finish this story...

Ew, what a horrible image! RedGold, would I ever do such a grotesque thing to you?

I wouldn't mind seeing Luke in a metal banana thong.

Ewwwww! More Luke lust. Yuck!

Here's more! And let me tell you, I had WAY too much fun with this post.

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SCENE TWO - THREEPIO and ARTOO are brought to JABBA?s court. The two unfortunate droids find themselves surrounded by the ugliest, nastiest, most vile creatures in the universe. And worst of all is His Royal Bloatedness himself, seated on a dais. JABBA is basically a big, slimy slug with huge red eyes and a bit of a weight problem.

THREEPIO stops when he sees a familiar masked bounty hunter. It?s none other than?

THREEPIO: Oh, my! It?s Tiershon_Fett! Artoo, run!

TIERSHON?S STUNT DOUBLE: I ain?t Tiershon.

THREEPIO: Oh? Then who are you?

TIERSHON?S STUNT DOUBLE: Oh, I?m just her stunt double. Tiershon_Fett couldn?t make it.

THREEPIO: Where is she?

TIERSHON?S STUNT DOUBLE: She?s being tortured by the Mara Jade Skywalker Fan Club.

SCENE THREE - We?re now in a dark room. TIERSHON_FETT, now wrapped up in a strait jacket, is strapped down to a chair with a torture device on her face that prevents her eyes from closing, similar to the one used on Alex in ?A Clockwork Orange.? She?s sitting in the front row in front of a huge blank screen.

Suddenly, we can hear REDGOLD?s booming voice emanate from the speakers.

REDGOLD: Ready for another sappy Luke/Mara fanfic, Tiershon? This one was written by Mara fan MARA_RAWKS_DA_HOUSE. Enjoy! [cackles evilly]

The theater screen lights up, and words start scrolling down. TIERSHON thrashes in her chair, but is unable to escape.

love storie: luuke and Mara

by MARA_RAWKS_DA_HOUSE

luke say, ?mara, I luv you.?

Mara say, ?I hate you I hate you I hate you, u sixth-rate FARM BOY from a tenth-rate planet with stoopid 70s haircut! you killed my sugar-daddie palpy! You desurve to die because all of my credit cards were canseled! No more power n presteej!!!!!!!!!! HATE!!!?

?You so nise,? say lukie. ?You very pretty, mara. And milion timez more smarter than stoopid leia.? luke cocks eyebrow

Leia sigh helplessly

"and you wera stoopid cloze!" mara say. "look at that shirt. it tacky!"

"You bought me this shurt!" luke say

?hate you!? yell mara madly. *feels sorry for herself*

luke nod blitheley in agreement ?yes dear?

Mara whine, complains, is hypowit to luke...and then all ov a suden...

MAGICAL FORCE BOND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?

Mara: ?I luv u, husband mine!? her eyes are greeen.

I luv you two, Honey-bear! lukie say

?Kissy-kissy!? sings mara

they kissy. They have wonderful Force bond. No one could ever understond it, especially not dumb han and lulu.

lukie say, ?Snooky-muffin!?

?poopie-cakes!?

?You r sooooo pretty, schlumpy wumpy,? say luke.

?I know,? mara reply

?And yor hare is so red?

"i going to vape you!" mara say

"you so romantik!" luke shrieks

suddenly, callista appears. She wants luke back

?No!? scream mara. ?Mine!? takes out lightsaber and chop stoopid callista head ofx ?take that!?

They celebrate and kiss kiss..

THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TIERSHON: AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SCENE FOUR - Back in JABBA?s palace.

THREEPIO: Oh, how horrible!

BIB FORTUNA goes over to JABBA and whispers something in the Hutt?s ear.

THREEPIO: Good morning.

JABBA: Bo Shuda!

THREEPIO: The message, Artoo, the message!

ARTOO beeps and projects the message in front of JABBA?s court. A holographic image of LUKE appears in the middle of the room.

LUKE: Greetings, Exalted One. Allow me to?

MARA?S VOICE: Wait a second! I ain?t gonna let you steal the glory. Ou

 

Poor T_F. Not another poorly written fanfic.

 

I luv you two, Honey-bear! lukie say

?Kissy-kissy!? sings mara

they kissy. They have wonderful Force bond. No one could ever understond it, especially not dumb han and lulu.

lukie say, ?Snooky-muffin!?

?poopie-cakes!?

?You r sooooo pretty, schlumpy wumpy,? say luke.

?I know,? mara reply

?And yor hare is so red?

"i going to vape you!" mara say

"you so romantik!" luke shrieks

suddenly, callista appears. She wants luke back

?No!? scream mara. ?Mine!? takes out lightsaber and chop stoopid callista head ofx ?take that!?

They celebrate and kiss kiss..

THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How dare you plagiarize my fanfic without my permission!!



Poor T_F. Made to read a poorly written, sappy, L/M romance fic.

Jedi Master (after only six years of training, just add water, and voila!),

Ahhh?you are killing me Geith!!!

Ewwwww! More Luke lust. Yuck!

You better be good Geith or RedGold and I will tie you down and make you view our favorite lusty drawing of Farmboy.

Oh...and you better hope we don't get Jelly involved in our revenge on you...otherwise you may end up in a Luke-lust induced coma (She writes the best L/M fics IMHO).



Great post!

AG88

 

...has returned to the desert crap-hole of Tatooine to rescue her rebound Han Solo from the clutches of the vile gangster Jabba the Hutt. That idiot Luke had gone there earlier, but he?s so lame that he let himself get caught by Jabba. Damn farmboy can?t do anything right.

*falls to the floor*



Although I do miss Anakin. It was great having my own nephew drool over my curvy, sexy ass?

*Jaded_Girl makes a very odd sound... a mixture of a chortle and a groan* ^_^;



Uhhh... I'm always game for some Luke lust, but the metal bikini image was a bit too much for me... ;;;
Liked the magnet idea though...



Ready for another sappy Luke/Mara fanfic, Tiershon? This one was written by Mara fan MARA_RAWKS_DA_HOUSE. Enjoy! [cackles evilly]

WHOA! That's too cruel! Even for Tiershon_Fett!

Though I am delightedly reminded of the "Star Wars, MST3K Style" thread a few months back...

*still spasms violently at the badfic* *hurls in trashcan*

Poor Tiershon_Fett! That's against all rules of engagement!



~LUKE: Greetings, Exalted One. Allow me to?
~MARA?S VOICE: Wait a second! I ain?t gonna let you steal the glory. Outta my way, farmboy!
......
oh, yeah, and sporadic companion to Captain What?s-his-face.
~LUKE: [offscreen] Solo.
~MARA: I knew that! Now shut up, you fairy!

*laughs helplessly, tears streaming*



MUST HAVE MORE!!!

 

AG88: You better be good Geith or RedGold and I will tie you down and make you view our favorite lusty drawing of Farmboy.

Huh? What? Oh, sorry, but you mentioned The Picture and I...well, anyway. Ahem.

(She writes the best L/M fics IMHO).

Aw, you flatter me, AG88. Not saying that I don't like it but there are a lot of L/M authors out there better than me.


Now, Geith, to this amazingly hilarious story! Now I see that Mara's sex appeal is even starting to affect the women! Truly, there is no limit to her red-gold, reddy, reddish-goldy, green, greeny, brilliant emerald powers! I was literally rolling when she shoved Luke out of the way and took over the message to Jabba herself.

But sadly, I have seen fics that would make the one T_F was tortured with look like prize-winning material. Still, it was really funny, misspellings and all!

And at least Luke is only getting verbally abused in this chapter...

 

But sadly, I have seen fics that would make the one T_F was tortured with look like prize-winning material.

That is the last time I will ask you to Beta for me!!!



AG88

 

Tiershon_Fett... if you're reading this... I just want to let you know that I would not be that cruel to you...

Now, tastefully and well written L/M mush fic maybe... but I wouldn't force anyone to read something so badly written...

Unfortunately the NJO writers aren't as nice.



Oh, good post btw.

 

Unfortunately the NJO writers aren't as nice.

Sadly that is so RG.

 

Thanks for the replies, everyone!

StarFighter5:

Poor T_F. Not another poorly written fanfic.

Yeah, poor Tiershon has gone through a lot in these stories. I can she can take it, though. She?s a pretty tough person. Just look at all her anti-Mara, anti-Zahn posts. She?s still going strong.

AG88:

You better be good Geith or RedGold and I will tie you down and make you view our favorite lusty drawing of Farmboy.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! That?s inhuman! Anything but that.

Oh...and you better hope we don't get Jelly involved in our revenge on you...otherwise you may end up in a Luke-lust induced coma (She writes the best L/M fics IMHO).

Yeah, when she actually updates them once every blue moon, right?

Jaded_Girl: Thank you! I?m glad you enjoyed it.

jelly: Thanks!

And at least Luke is only getting verbally abused in this chapter...

Hey, just like in the books!

*waits for everyone to say ?PPOR?*



RedGold: Thank you, and I?m sure Tiershon is glad to know that you would never be so cruel to her.

Unfortunately the NJO writers aren't as nice.

Not a big NJO fan, are you?

Look for the next post to be up sometime on Friday!

 

*waits for everyone to say ?PPOR?*

PPOR!! Do you hear me!!! PPOR!!!



And you are right, Jelly needs to UPDATE MY FAVORITE WIP FIC!!!!

AG88

 

Mara does sure love the spotlight,weird..luke didn't drool over her as much in this one.

 

OK Geith, it is Friday night and still no update.

***Sigh***

I guess I will have to wait until tomorrow to see it. Goodnight. We old people need our beauty sleep.

Don't forget us, Geith!

AG88

 

Hey, Ylesly! Welcome back.

Sorry that this update isn't earlier, AG88. This has been an incredibly long week for me, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Between school, work, not getting enough sleep, and my grandfather being very sick (possibly with lung cancer; we don't know, we're still waiting for the test results), this has been an extremely tiring week for me. I spent the last five hours just catching up on my sleep. But now I feel better, and ready for make you guys laugh!

Enjoy your beauty sleep, AG88.

Here's more.

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SCENE FIVE - ARTOO and THREEPIO are forced to become servants of the vile JABBA THE HUTT. ARTOO is made to scrub the royal palace toilets, and THREEPIO gets the arguably less demanding role as JABBA?s interpreter and ass-kisser.

We?re now back in the main audience chamber. JABBA?s court is in the middle of a wild party, with the Max Rebo band performing a really cheesy, disco-wannabe song (but at least that?s not as ear-bleeding as a full-out musical number). The singer SY SNOOTLES looks and sounds just like Yoko Ono.

SY SNOOTLES: [?singing?] Ayiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyi!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JABBA suddenly begins tugging on the Twi?lek dancer OOLA?s chain. OOLA gets pissed off and pulls back.

JABBA: Get over here! I want to eat you.

OOLA: No! Leave me alone, you pervert!

JABBA: That?s it! [pushes a button]

OOLA screams as the trap door under her opens up, and she falls to her death, where she is devoured by a Big Hungry Animal.

JABBA: Skank. [turns to ARTOO] You, droid! Play that message with the hot redhead again. Ever since I witnessed her incomparable, otherworldly beauty, every other woman here just looks so ugly in comparison.

Meanwhile, TIERSHON_FETT?S STUNT DOUBLE is hitting on LANDO CALRISSIAN, who?s disguised as a guard.

TIERSHON_FETT?S STUNT DOUBLE: Hey, you?re cute!

LANDO: Fo' shizzle!

Suddenly, there?s a gunshot offscreen. The party is halted, and everyone turns a mysterious, masked bounty hunter with long, velvety reddish-gold hair dangling flowing out of its helmet enters the court, dragging along CHEWBACCA, who roars in defiance. The ?BOUNTY HUNTER? whacks CHEWIE in the head with a stick, speaking in a very distinct, feminine voice.

?BOUNTY HUNTER?: Shut up, you overgrown mutt! What did I tell you before? Obey me!

THE ?BOUNTY HUNTER? turns to JABBA and switches to a deeper, more manly-voice.

?BOUNTY HUNTER?: Uh...I have come for the bounty on this dog.

CHEWIE roars.

?BOUNTY HUNTER?: Fine, Wookiee. I swear, everyone has to be so politically correct nowadays...

THREEPIO: Oh, no! Chewbacca!

?BOUNTY HUNTER?: [turns to THREEPIO] Hey, didn?t I kill you in the last movie? I hacked you into a thousand pieces!

THREEPIO: [confused] Um...I don?t believe we?ve met before.

?BOUNTY HUNTER?: What, the lovely reddish-gold hair protruding my helmet isn?t obvious enough for you? [looks over at the corpulent JABBA] Damn, what a porker.

JABBA: At last we have the mighty Chewbacca.

?BOUNTY HUNTER?: [back to the "man" voice] Yeah, it wasn?t easy, either. Luckily, I was able to capture him by luring him with a huge bowl of Kibbles ?n Bits, and I conked him on the head with a huge brick. Do you have any idea how much this guy can eat? I swear, he must have a black hole for a stomach or something...

JABBA says something in Huttese. THREEPIO translates.

THREEPIO: The illustrious Jabba bids you welcome and will gladly pay you the reward of 25,000.

?BOUNTY HUNTER?: Um, excuse me? Who the hell do you think I am? 25,000?! That?s chump change, for crying out loud. I can?t even get a decent facelift with that kind of money. I don?t think so. 50 million credits, and no less.

THREEPIO: I don?t believe even Jabba has that money, sir?

?BOUNTY HUNTER?: Do it!

THREEPIO: [to JA

 

Oh I hated the music in the Special Edition..

special my white deriar... special ed as in retarded...

 

Okay, I?ll take it. Oh, and by the way, this isn?t actual dynamite. It was just sausage links. Haha! I tricked you all. Suckers!

Wasn't this in an episode of the Simpsons?

Sorry that this is such a short post. I am still tired. I didn't get much sleep last night.

Great chapter Geith!

AG88

 

Thanks, RedGold and AG88!

Here's more:

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SCENE SIX - Nightfall on Tatooine. All is quiet in JABBA?s palace; the main audience chamber is completely empty. It?s so quiet, you can hear a pin drop. When suddenly?

BANG! CRASH! BOOM! CLANG! WHAM!

The ?BOUNTY HUNTER? stumbles into the audience chamber, having knocked over an entire row of parked speeder bikes.

?BOUNTY HUNTER:? [shouting] Crap! I hope no one heard that!

The ?BOUNTY HUNTER? proceeds down the stairs, making very loud stomping noises every time his/her foot hits the steps. STOMP! STOMP! STOMP!

?BOUNTY HUNTER:? No one can do stealthy like I can.

The ?BOUNTY HUNTER? accidentally steps on the tail of one drunk, unconscious alien.

?BOUNTY HUNTER:? Watch it, you stupid wretch! [kicks the alien several times, creating a very loud echo in the room]

The ?BOUNTY HUNTER? then looks up and sees the encased body of HAN SOLO.

?BOUNTY HUNTER:? We meet again, Captain Reject.

As the ?BOUNTY HUNTER? heads over to HAN, an entire marching band bursts into the room, playing ?Hail to the Chief.? The entire room shakes and trembles from the sheer volume of the band, as drums pound, trumpets blow, people shriek and scream in pure ecstasy, and a man with a microphone shouts repeatedly ?Hail to the Princess of Ego!?

?BOUNTY HUNTER:? Shut up, you fool! You?ll give my identity away. And stop stepping on my beautiful hair, you clumsy oafs!

The marching band plays for ten more minutes, and finally leaves. The ?BOUNTY HUNTER? inspects the block of carbonite.

?BOUNTY HUNTER:? Now, how do I get him out of this ice cube?

The ?BOUNTY HUNTER? notices the controls on the side of the block. One says FREEZE and the other says UNFREEZE.

?BOUNTY HUNTER:? [scratching his/her head] Hmmmm...tough call. Well, I have a fifty percent chance of hitting the right button so...

He/She hits the UNFREEZE button. Seconds later, HAN is freed from the carbonite, and the ?BOUNTY HUNTER? watches as he falls flat on his face, making a loud splat as his face eats the floor.

?BOUNTY HUNTER:? Ouch. That?s gotta smart. Was I supposed to catch you or something?

HAN isn?t moving. The ?BOUNTY HUNTER? leans closer to him.

?BOUNTY HUNTER:? Um...are you dead already? If you are, say yes.

HAN doesn?t respond.

?BOUNTY HUNTER:? Damn! All right, time to get up, Solo. [grabs HAN by the hair and lifts him up]

HAN: Owwwwww! [looks around] I can?t see!

?BOUNTY HUNTER:? Yeah, I hear that?s a permanent side effect as a result of being a frozen popsicle for three years.

HAN: Where am I?

?BOUNTY HUNTER:? The tenth level of Hell. [cackles evilly] No, actually, you?re just in Jabba?s palace. Although, considering your history with the fat bastard, that might actually be worse.

HAN: Who are you?

The ?BOUNTY HUNTER? removes the helmet, revealing...the gorgeous, stunning, eternally youthful-looking, splendidly-dressed, great-smelling, Queen of Kewl MARA JADE!

Cue trumpets.

MARA: Surprise! Betcha none of you were expecting that. I bet you all thought I?d be that weak loser Leia. [to HAN] Someone who used to be desperately in love with you, and has now gotten over your mediocre looks and can no longer stand the mere sight of you.

HAN: Mara!

MARA: Good guess. Now c?mon. On your feet, Solo! Stop sandbagging.

Suddenly, an evil laugh echoes through the room.

EVIL LAUGH: Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!!!!!!!!

HAN: What?s that? I know that laugh.

MARA: Yeah, it sounds a lot like an evil Santa Claus...

A curtain opens up behind them, revealing JABBA and his entourage, all laughing at HAN and MARA.

MARA: Oh, how cute! You guys were hiding there the whole time. I sure wasn?t expecting that to happen.

JABBA: [points at MARA] Hey, I know you! You?re the hot chick in that message. Wow

 

This was a fantastic chapter!

BANG! CRASH! BOOM! CLANG! WHAM!

The ?BOUNTY HUNTER? stumbles into the audience chamber, having knocked over an entire row of parked speeder bikes.

?BOUNTY HUNTER:? [shouting] Crap! I hope no one heard that!

Real stealth-like.

HAN: Where am I?

?BOUNTY HUNTER:? The tenth level of Hell. [cackles evilly]

I can see her doing that!

Great post!! Bravo!!

AG88

 

Not terribly fond of the "Special" Edition myself, though it has one or two slightly-redeemeable-though-still-unecessary moments. I heard that the new DVD's at least take back out that Force-awful scream as Luke falls down the chute in ESB. We can only hope.


Wow, no one can do stealth and undercover work like Mara!



Oh, how cute! You guys were hiding there the whole time. I sure wasn?t expecting that to happen.





Oh, c?mon! You?re the only black dude in the whole galaxy, for crying out loud! How obvious can you get?

*giggles* Hee hee hee.... Hey... Come to think of it, I remember reading somewhere that there are more fish people in SW than black people. Pretty true, isn't it? Bummer. Oh well. So long as the jive-meister's cover isn't blown!