Saga Mara Wars Trilogy (Humor, AU, OT-era) ANNOUNCEMENT APRIL 4

MARA: Yeah, it sounds a lot like an evil Santa Claus...

So true!!!

 

I love this fic. I was so happy to see an update.

 

Thanks, guys!

Sorry I didn't update yesterday, but I came down with a mild case of Darth Writer's Block, and even worse, allergies. They were killing me yesterday; I was sneezing, sniffing, had itchy eyes and rashes all day long! And today, I have to go to the local courthouse to get my observation hours for school, so I won't have time to update today either.

But I will post again on Friday, so stay tuned.

 

Oh man, I've been lurking at bit, and this is awesome! Thought I'd just pop up and say this is hilarious!

BTW, I am a Mara hater, it looks like one of the... um... none reading...

Oh, and I looked the IT reference. I love that book and the movie. Stephen King rocks! Now if you could put in a Gunslinger reference...

 

Thanks, Starlight-Pixiedust! And don't worry, you're not the only Mara-hater here. There's also Shelley, and Tiershon_Fett, and NeoStar9...and of course, me. Sometimes.

 

Bah...Mara-lovers rule!!!

Well, if you don't like Mara and like Callista, Starlight-Pixiedust, you should read Geith's other story Forever Home. The link is in his sig.

I am tired of being the only one giving feedback (albeit anti-Callista feedback). It is an interesting story. The only way it could be better would be if Mara was the love interest.

I hope you feel better soon, Geith!

AG88

 

actually, I don't like Callista either. I liked Mara until she became one of the main characters after the Thrawn duology. she was fun character, like Lando who would pop up every once in a while, but now she's just a Mary Sue. Especially once we reached the NJO when the Solo seemed to like her better than Leia.

 

Great post Geith!!! Posts, sorry! Can't wait til tomorrow

 

Thanks, kyp!

Here's the next post. Sorry the wait, but I hope this will be worth it.

-------------------------------------------------------

SCENE SEVEN - Several days pass since MARA?s cover is blown, and she is ?enslaved? by the vile JABBA THE HUTT. In the late afternoon, the palace doors slowly open to reveal a dark, silhouetted figure.

It?s LUKE SKYWALKER. No longer is he the whiny, irritating little wimp he was in the last two installments. He?s now focused, mature, and confident of his powers and abilities. And best of all, no more retro 70's hair!

As LUKE heads for the main audience chamber, two Gamorrean guards try to block his access. LUKE easily bitch-slaps them away from him.

As he heads down the stairs to the chamber, he?s stopped by a worried-looking BIB FORTUNA.

LUKE: You will take me to Jabba now. [uses his Jedi mind trick on BIB]

BIB FORTUNA: I will take you to Jabba now.

They enter the audience chamber, LUKE expecting to confront the most cruel, evil gangster in the whole galaxy face-to-face, mano-a-mano. But surprisingly, JABBA is nowhere to be found. Neither is MARA.

LUKE: Um...where exactly is the big, ugly slug at? And where?s Mara? [A horrible thought occurs to him] Oh no, don?t tell me they?re...

Suddenly, the lights in the audience chamber go out. Everyone is thrown into a panic.

LUKE: What the?

A loud VOICE is heard over the intercom. It sounds suspiciously like Timothy Zahn.

VOICE: Ladies and gentlemen, the Great and Awesome and Wonderful Magnificent and Powerful and Most Beautiful and Loved Empress-Goddess-Queen of the Entire Star Wars Universe, She of the Immortal Red-Gold Locks of Eternity, Mara Lucretia Aphrodite Cleopatra Jezebel Angora Venus Scarlett Jade, Princess of the Planet Ego and now the new ruler of Jabba?s palace, has arrived!

LUKE: That?s quite a long name she?s got.

The audience chamber becomes engulfed by headache-inducing disco lights, as the song ?You?re So Vain? plays over the speakers.

THREEPIO: Make it stop! Make it stop! [goes into a seizure]

LUKE: I have a bad feeling about this...

The double doors to the room swing open, and a long red-gold carpet is extended. MARA strides gracefully into the audience chamber, dressed in a slick, black-leather catsuit that leaves nothing to the imagination. Her face is covered thick with makeup, and her reddish-gold hair is especially large today, due to can after can of hairspray mixed with lots of hair-gel and cement. It fans around her like a reddish-gold cape. She gives the men in the audience a wink.

Almost immediately, all of JABBA?s court cheer and whistle and sing praises and hosannas for MARA.

LUKE notices, much to his amusement, that MARA is dragging JABBA along behind her with a leash. The massive Hutt has a chain wrapped around his fat, bulging neck, and he?s dressed in a rather unflattering gold bikini.

MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE: Ewwwwwwwwwww!

LUKE: I concur. I did not need to see that. But at least it wasn?t me in the bikini...

GEITHJISEO: Well, of course not. Do you think I want to lose all my fans?

MARA: [tugs on the chain] Come on, fatty!

JABBA: Hiawatha! [looks up at MARA?s backside and drools, his disgusting tongue hanging from his mouth]

MARA: [blowing kisses to the audience] Thank you! Thank you! You?re too kind, all of you! Yes, I am gorgeous. I am the prettiest, sexiest, best-dressed woman in the galaxy, and no one can dispute that!

LUKE: Aren?t there laws against this sort of thing? I swear, this woman has no shame.

ARTOO bleebles.

THREEPIO: Artoo is appropriately horrified by Mistress Jade?s revolting display. As am I! Oh, dear! [covers his optical sensors]

The blaring music continues on. You?re so vain/You probably think this song is about you! JABBA?s minions continue to cheer and gawk and fawn over the lovely princess of Ego.

MAX REBO: We love you, Mara!

 

..And best of all, no more retro 70's hair! As LUKE heads for the main audience chamber, two Gamorrean guards try to block his access. LUKE easily bitch-slaps them away from him.

Alright! Finally my little Lukie has turned into a man. Grrrrowl!!

LUKE: Um...where exactly is the big, ugly slug at? And where?s Mara? [A horrible thought occurs to him] Oh no, don?t tell me they?re...

***Shudder*** A horrible thought just occurred to me!! Why did I suddenly imagine Felicity Shagwell and Fat Bastard having sex? UGH!!!

The massive Hutt has a chain wrapped around his fat, bulging neck, and he?s dressed in a rather unflattering gold bikini.

OMG!!! Geith, how do you think of these things!

LUKE: I concur. I did not need to see that. But at least it wasn?t me in the bikini...

GEITHJISEO: Well, of course not. Do you think I want to lose all my fans?

Geith!! Most of your fans are female. We want to see Luke in a banana thong and leather chaps!! (I wrote a fic like that once...I?ll PM it to you if you like. )

MARA quickly takes out a small glass jar labeled ?LUKE?S BALLS.? Sure enough, they?re nowhere to be found.


LOL I am dying here Geith. Wonderful!!

Bravo. This post was worth the wait!!!

AG88

 

It?s LUKE SKYWALKER. No longer is he the whiny, irritating little wimp he was in the last two installments. He?s now focused, mature, and confident of his powers and abilities. And best of all, no more retro 70's hair!

Oh the hair... the only tragedy of the OT...

LUKE: I concur. I did not need to see that. But at least it wasn?t me in the bikini...

GEITHJISEO: Well, of course not. Do you think I want to lose all my fans?

Wait, you listen to us? COOL!

Forget Luke... I want to see Han in leather chaps!

LUKE: [groans] Why didn?t I listen to my aunt Beru? She always hoped I would end up with a sweet, caring, compassionate woman. But noooooooooooooooo, I had to be swindled by Bantam?

Don't forget Del-Rey! They are just as guilty for screwing things up!

LUKE finally gets an idea on how to stop all the ruckus. He picks up a glass flower vase and throws it in MARA?s direction.

Starting to get ballsey are we Luke?

MARA: Um, what?s with the attitude problem? You?re usually such a pushover. What gives? How come you?re not the sniveling, spineless weak-willed loser you usually are?

LUKE: Easy. I got my balls back.

Oh yeah... SSOOO dignified mister Jedi Knight...

LUKE: You put your right hand in! You put your right hand out! You put your right hand in! And you shake it all about! You do the hokey-pokey and you turn yourself around! That?s what it?s all about!

As he sings, LUKE does exactly what he sings: put his right hand in, shake it, and spin around. The audience just watches, making no sound whatsoever. MARA just looks at him, unimpressed.

I thought he got his balls back?

Great post!

 

You just had to remind me of the hair, didn't you?

 

RedGold: Oh the hair... the only tragedy of the OT...

*sigh* Amen. The curls behind his ears were bad enough (except when the sweat plastered them back on Dagobah... ROWRL! ) then he goes and gets his hair cut by the same guy who did Aunt Beru's hair in ANH. But I still love him!



The massive Hutt has a chain wrapped around his fat, bulging neck, and he?s dressed in a rather unflattering gold bikini.

AAAAUUUGGGHH!!! *Jaded_Girl claws her eyes out*



~LUKE: I did. Check your jar.
~MARA quickly takes out a small glass jar labeled ?LUKE?S BALLS.? Sure enough, they?re nowhere to be found.
~MARA: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~LUKE: That?s right, Mara. Last night, when you were asleep, I snuck in and took them back.

ROTFLMAO!!



~Taking a deep breath, LUKE dances and sings to the only song he knows.
~LUKE: You put your right hand in! You put your right hand out! You put your right hand in! And you shake it all about! You do the hokey-pokey and you turn yourself around! That?s what it?s all about!

*dies*



Bravo, Geith_Jiseo! Am enjoying the arrival of Luke-with-balls! Can't wait for more!

Up!

 

MARA: Damn you, Skywalker! You stole your balls from me!

..and Luke dancing

 

Geith where are you? We all need an update! Don't forget us!!



AG88

 

Aw, still no update.

 

Geith must be on Spring Break. He is probably down on a Florida Beach somewhere judging a wet T-Shirt contest as he throws back a couple of brews.



AG88

 

UPDATE!!UPDATE!!UPDATE!!UPDATE!!UPDATE!!UPDATE!!UPDATE!!UPDATE!!UPDATE!!UPDATE!!UPDATE!!UPDATE!!UPDATE!!UPDATE!!UPDATE!!UPDATE!!UPDATE!!UPDATE!!UPDATE!!UPDATE!!UPDATE!!UPDATE!!UPDATE!!UPDATE!!UPDATE!!UPDATE!!UPDATE!!

PLEASE!!

AG88

 

What she said. *points above to AG88*

 

Hey, guys.

I know I haven't updated in forever, but this has been a very draining week for me. This was my spring break; I was supposed to be able to kick back and relax (which I sort of did; I was up in Fresno and L.A. for the first half of the week, which was a lot of fun), at least until we find out that not only does my grandfather have lung cancer (he's been sick for the last few months and lost somewhere around 50 pounds; I visited him and my grandma in Riverside last week and was horrified at how skeletal he looked), but he's only got two years left to live (if we're lucky, and from the looks of things, I'll be happy if he manages to make it for this Christmas), and now we just get a call from my grandma, saying that his breathing stopped, and he's been rushed to the E.R.

To make things worse, my little brother (who lives with his dad in Texas) is being a selfish little brat by not even writing or calling Grandpa, or even sending a goddamn get-well card. His excuse? "I'm too busy spending money and hanging out with my friends to give a damn." My mom talked with him on the phone yesterday and expressed her disappointment in his behavior (he was really close with my grandfather when he was little, which makes his recent behavior all the more appalling), and he actually had the nerve to hang up on her. So not only am I upset and depressed, I'm pissed off as well. I'm mad at my brother, I'm mad at the doctors, I'm mad at the cancer, mad at everything right now.

I'm really sorry I let this story drift, guys, but right now, between all this melodrama and school starting up next week (and the possibility of me getting a job as a Student Worker at the courthouse downtown, which I'm admittedly very excited about), I'm not going to be able to update this or any of my other stories right now. I need some time to think, to reflect, to try and make sense of everything going on around me. You all have been a wonderful audience, and I feel absolutely horrible about all this. But I didn't want to just stop writing and disappear leave you guys hanging like that, wondering where in the heck I am. I just wanted you guys to know what was going on in RL. I hope I'll be able to get back to work on this story very soon.

I'm not going to abandon this story, mark my words. It may take a week, or maybe longer, but I will get back to this story and finish it. It's gotten this far; abandoning it (and you guys) would be unbelievably stupid.

May the Force be with you all.

--Geith

 

Geith, I am so sorry to hear about your Grandfather. Now I feel terrible about joking that you were on Spring Break having fun.

I know all of your readers would want you to take all the time you need. Your family is what is important.

You have my heartfelt condolences.

Please don't be too angry with your brother. Everybody deals with death and dying differently. He appears to want to ignore it, pretend it isn't happening. Maybe the pain is easier to endure that way.

You will be in my prayers.

AG88

 

I lost my grandmother to cancer, and my grandfather to inphezima (sp?), so I know how you feel.

Take all the time you need hon.

If you want to talk or just need someone to vent to, feel free to PM me.

 

Thank you both for the support.

Unfortunately, there's only more bad news. I just got a call from my grandma today. Grandpa now only has six months left to live. I'm not sure what happened, but apparently, the doctor says that there's nothing they can do. Not even chemo or radiation can help (the doctor had originally ruled out surgery, but we were planning to try chemo at least). So now, Grandma's trying to get a hospice set up so that he can stay at home and not at the hospital, and he now has to have a feeding tube inserted into his stomach just so he can still eat (because otherwise, he just vomits the food back out).

I haven't told my mom or stepdad about it yet, although Grandma will probably call back later day, when I'm at school. I know it's going to hit my mom pretty hard. I'm praying like crazy for my grandpa, and especially my grandmother. This has been really hard for her; she's been having to miss a lot of work, and she's all by herself in Riverside, with no other family around to help (we live in San Diego, which is about a two-hour drive away). We're going to do what we can, though. My mom and I will probably take turns going up there every weekend just to help around.

So, that's basically it. I'm pretty much resigned to the fact that Grandpa's going die; I just hope he goes peacefully and at home. And I hope my brother comes to his senses and at leasts gives Grandpa a call, because he doesn't have much time left. I don't know how to react to this. I guess I'll just focus on school right now and remain detached about it all. That's the only the way I won't break down and lose my sanity.

Thanks again for your support. It helps a lot.

MTFBWY,
James

 

I'm sorry to hear that.

I wish I could do something, but all I can say is that I give you my sympathy and support. It's hard thing to loose someone slowly like this.

I hope your mom and grandma will be okay. They have my support as well.

 

I'm so sorry about your grandfather, Geith_Jiseo. I will definitely keep him and your whole family in my prayers! You just take care of all those important things (and take care of yourself!) and don't worry about anything here. We're all here if you need us!