Saga Mara Wars Trilogy!!! (Humor, AU, OT-era) UPDATED 9/24!!!

Awwww... poor Luke!! Even Chewie is getting more action than him.

spaghetti-haired gorgon

LOL!! How do you think of these things, Geith!?!

Very funny post!!

AG88

 

Another wonder update. Poor Luke.







jacky

 

Thanks, all!

Here's more:

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SCENE TEN - The Imperial fleet is gathered in the middle of nowhere in space. DARTH VADER is busy entertaining himself with a life-size holographic image of MARA. All the other officers are snickering at him behind his back, but quickly fall silent when the Sith Lord turns around and glares at them.

PIETT: Admiral.

OZZEL: Yes, Captain?

PIETT: I think we?ve got something, sir. The report is only a fragment from a probe droid in the Hoth System, but it?s the best lead we have.

OZZEL: I want proof, not leads! If we followed every lead...

PIETT: Let?s see what Lord Vader has to say about it...[looks over at VADER, but is afraid to go over to him] Um...Lord Vader?

VADER is a little occupied at the moment to respond to PIETT.

OZZEL: [getting irritated] For goodness sake, man, get over it already! She doesn?t want you! You?re not her type!

He suddenly gasps as VADER applies a Force choke to him.

VADER: You have failed me for the last time, Admiral. I told you not to interrupt me while I?m WORKING!!!

OZZEL falls to the floor, dead. The other Imperials cower in terror. VADER kicks the dead admiral?s corpse.

VADER: Stupid old guy. You?re just jealous because you never got any from her last time around. [to PIETT] You found something.

PIETT: Y-Yes, my Lord.

VADER: [studying the image on the console screen] That?s it! The Rebels are there. And I?m sure the luscious princess is with them! Yes, she will be mine again, after all these long, torturous years. I?ll once again be able to caress her long, flamey red hair, and kiss her soft, ample ruby-red lips?

VEERS: But how can you kiss her? I mean, your helmet?

VADER: The details don?t matter, your simpleton! Now shut up and quit ruining my fantasy! Now, where was I? Oh, yes, Mara...then I?ll rip off the buttons of your shiny black catsuit one by one?

PIETT: Um, Lord Vader...

VADER: And then I?ll rub my mighty gloved hand up and down her strong, muscular back, and sniff her rich, glorious smell of almonds and honey, and?

PIETT: Um, Lord Vader...your, um, lightsaber.

VADER: My lightsaber? What about it? It?s clipped to my belt.

PIETT: [embarrassed] No, I mean...your...other one. You know, your ?lightsaber.? It?s getting, well, bigger...

VADER: [looks down at it] Oh, you mean that one. [blushes] Sorry, got a little carried away there. [regains his composure, if not his dignity] Anyways...set your course for the Hoth System. [to VEERS] General Veers, prepare your men!

As his subordinates get to work, VADER goes over to the image of MARA again, his fingers just barely hovering over her incredible bodice.

VADER: Yesssss...soon, you fiery, voluptuous redhead of a goddess, we will be together again. And we will rule the galaxy as husband and wife! Mwahahahahahahahahaha!

MARA?s holographic image giggles, and begins to suck her index finger, enticingly. She gives VADER a little wink.

 

That is just sick. LOL and funny. Vader, acting like that? That's hilarious!

 

Oh boy, you are twisted, Geith!!!

AG88

 

Thanks, everyone!

Here's more:

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SCENE ELEVEN - MARA is in her private chamber, reading the latest issue of Galactic Entertainment Weekly. She eagerly flips through the pages.

MARA: Let?s see if the reviews for Mara Wars are in...aha! [begins reading] ?Mara Wars is the best movie of the year!? says Paploo of the Ewok Examiner. ?Mara Jade is the sexiest, smartest, and most talented woman ever! She simply steals the show!? says Joebacca of the Wookiee Times. Ebert and the dead guy give it ?one billion, trillion thumbs-up, all for that sex-bomb Mara Jade!? And let?s see what Pauline Kael says about me?

She stops when she sees the article.

MARA: ?Mara Wars is vapid, air-headed, masturbatory garbage. Mara Jade is about as interesting and credible a heroine since Red Sonja...meaning not at all. The worst movie I?ve ever seen since Schindler?s List.?

MARA gnashes her teeth in fury, and takes out her ?Hit List,? adding Pauline Kael?s name to it. The ?List? also includes:

Mon Mothma
Borsk Fey?lya
Yoda
Kevin J. Anderson
Qwi Xux
Admiral Daala
Callista
Gaeriel Captison
Waru
Nom Anor
Ann Coulter
Rush Limbaugh
Tinky-Winky
Michael Jackson
Star Jones
Barney the Purple Dinosaur
Joel Schumacher
E.T.
Rosie O?Donnell
Jennifer Lopez
Britney Spears
Dr. Phil
James Van Der Beek

And at the top of the list is:

!!! LUKE SKYWALKER !!!(that annoying, whiny farmboy wussy-face)

MARA: [satisfied] All right, back to my magazine...

REBEL: Your Holiness, the Empire has discovered our location! They?re sending their entire fleet here!

MARA: [not even looking up from her magazine] Wow, that sucks.

REBEL: You have to help us, Queen of the Universe. They?re going to kill us all!

MARA: Sucks to be you guys, then.

REBEL: [gets to his knees] Please, Your Highness! You must do something!

MARA: [yawns] Don?t feel like it. I?ll just sit back and watch you all get slaughtered, how about that?

REBEL: Lord Vader himself is supposed to be leading this attack! Please!

MARA: [sits up] Vadie-poo? Well, why didn?t you say so before, you dolt! [leaps out of her seat and heads for her bathroom] I gotta find my nicest come-hither outfit before he gets here!

SCENE TWELVE - MARA is now in the main hangar deck, briefing the Rebel pilots.

MARA: All right, maggots, listen up! All troops carriers will assemble at the north entrance. The heavy transport ships will leave as soon as they?re loaded with all of my personal belongings. [gestures at the blackboard with her pointer] Transport One will carry my Jacuzzi, all my clothes, my gold-plated dresser, and my two hundred pairs of black stiletto high-heeled boots. Transport Two will carry my personal ship, the Jade?s Hand, and my entire three-thousand CD collection. Only two fighter escorts per ship. The energy shield can only be opened for a short time, so you?ll have to stay very close to your transports.

REALLY BAD ACTOR: Two fighters against a Star Destroyer?

MARA: Man, you suck! Who hires these actors? [to the director] What the hell are you thinking? First you have Greedo shoot first, and now this?

DIRECTOR: [stammering] I-I?m sorry, Queen of the Universe. I was just?

MARA: Ah, screw it! [points at the REALLY BAD ACTOR] Get this loser off the set!

Two Noghri security guards pick the guy up and haul him off the set of Mara Strikes Back. There?s the sound of a chainsaw going off in the background, accompanied by the REALLY BAD ACTOR screaming.

MARA: All right, bring in the understudy!

The two guards bring in the UNDERSTUDY, who?s a big, tall, handsome, muscular guy in his mid-twenties.

MARA: Much better. [bats her eyelashes at him] Hey there, honey. Now, what?s the line?

UNDERSTUDY: [puts on his best ?fearful? face] Two

 

LOL. I love that list! Let me guess, you are not a republican.

That really was a bad actor in that scene! Mara did right by replacing him... too bad Lucas didn't.

Great update!!!

AG88

 

Cool

 

As his subordinates get to work, VADER goes over to the image of MARA again, his fingers just barely hovering over her incredible bodice.

VADER: Yesssss...soon, you fiery, voluptuous redhead of a goddess, we will be together again. And we will rule the galaxy as husband and wife! Mwahahahahahahahahaha!




Now that's what I'M talkin' about!!!

 

Thanks, everyone!

Here's more:

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SCENE THIRTEEN - The Imperials come to Hoth, and send a bunch of AT-AT walkers to the planet?s surface to attack the Rebel base. Lots of cool explosions, and people die. The shield generator is destroyed in the attack.

HAN heads for the command center, and finds MARA and THREEPIO near one of the control boards.

MARA: [looks up] There you are!

HAN: [mutters to himself] Aw, crap.

MARA: Why are you still here, bantha-breath?

HAN: I heard the command center had been hit.

MARA: [touched] So...you came here, looking for me? To make sure that I was all right?

HAN: Hell no! I was hoping you?d died. I wanted to make sure everyone else is okay.

The smile leaves MARA?s face; now she?s very indignant.

THREEPIO: Your Highness, we must take this last transport. It?s our only hope.

MARA: Yeah, no Sith, Sherlock! [to CONTROLLER] Send all troops in sector twelve to the south slope to protect my personal belongings!

CONTROLLER: But, Princess Mara, won?t the lives of the troops be in jeopardy if we?

MARA: I don?t give a crap about them! I was just want to make sure my stuff gets out of here intact. That?s way more important than a bunch of stupid Rebels!

A blast rocks the command center, and THREEPIO is thrown back into HAN?s arms, who catches him in time.

THREEPIO: Why, Captain Solo, you saved me...

HAN: It was nothing personal, Goldenrod. Just a reflex.

MARA: Ew! Get a room, you two!

ANNOUNCER: Imperial troops have entered the base. Imperial troops have entered the?

The ANNOUNCER is cut off, leaving only static.

MARA: Haha! He got killed! Loser!

HAN: All right, that?s it. I?m outta here!

MARA: Wait, I?m coming with you!

HAN: The hell you?re not!

But as soon as he speaks, MARA clamps some stun-cuffs on his wrist, leaving the two of them cuffed together.

MARA: Ha! Now you have to take me with you.

HAN: [glares at her] I hate your guts, you know that?

CONTROLLER: Um...pardon me, Your Amazingly Smooth-Skinned Highness, but shouldn?t I give the evacuation code signal, and maybe get to my transport?

MARA: Pffft! Screw you guys. You?re on your own! Besides, my stuff has to get off this planet first before any of you do.

CONTROLLER: B-But, Your Creamy Magnificence, you have so many personal items, there wouldn?t be enough room in the transports for any of us?

MARA: Oh well! I gotta prioritize. Later! [suddenly remembers something] Oh crap! I almost forgot something. We gotta bring Lady with us!

HAN: Who?

MARA: Lady, my pet!

HAN: You brought a kriffin? pet with you on this ice cube? What is it, a mooka?

MARA: [whistles] Lady! It?s time to go!

Within seconds, a big, ferocious-looking creature barrels into the room, snarling and growling at everything in sight. It had eight legs, a flat head, black scaly armor, large spines on its back, a whiplike tail with a white barb studded at the end of it, and a really, really wide, ugly mouth that flecked green drool everywhere.

THREEPIO: [to HAN] I don?t believe that?s a mooka, sir.

HAN: What the hell is THAT?!

MARA: It?s my pet, you fool.

HAN: But what IS it?!

MARA: It?s my latest science project. I mixed the genetic material of a vornskr with some other really, big nasty thing...and ta-da! I call it a voxyn.

HAN is appropriately horrified.

MARA: Isn?t she cute? She can do tricks, too, see? Hey, Lady! [points at the CONTROLLER] Sic him!

The voxyn leaps upon the CONTROLLER. We can hear his screams as he?s torn apart by Lady. We don't see any of this, of course, because this is a PG-rated movie.

MARA: Good girl! [gives Lady a doggie treat, then turns to HAN] After you, stud-muf

 

LOL Mara has a voxyn as a pet! This is funny Geith!

AG88

 

Thanks, AG88!

Here's the next scene:

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SCENE FOURTEEN - HAN and MARA dash through the crumbling corridors of the Rebel base, with THREEPIO lagging behind. Lady is leading the group, sniffing away.

HAN: Are you sure she knows where the hangar is?

MARA: [gives him a derisive ?Jeez, you?re such a retard? look] Duh! I?m her personal trainer, genius!

They pass one corridor.

HAN: Hey, wait?

MARA: What, you wanna die? Keep moving!

HAN: But the ship?s that way?[starts to point, but MARA smacks his hand]

MARA: Hey! Who?s the leader here? You? Bwahahahahahahahahaha?no. I am. I?m the princess of an entire planet, and the unfortunate leader of this horribly misguided Alliance, and I say we go THIS way!

HAN: [muttering under his breath] Stupid bi?

MARA: I heard that! [zaps HAN with the stun-cuffs] Take that!

HAN: Ow! All right. Where the heck are the keys?

MARA: Lady ate them.

HAN: So that means we?re stuck together forever?!?! Oh, Force help me?

MARA: That?s right. We?re stuck together until you finally come to your senses and fall desperately in love with me and marry me and sire my demon-spawn.

HAN: Your what?

MARA: Uh, I meant kids! Did I say ?demon-spawn?? I meant kids! Yeah. [laughs nervously]

HAN: Yeah, sure. The day I fall in love with you, is the day rancors become vegetarians.

Suddenly, there is an explosion. The roof caves in right in front of him, crushing Lady.

MARA: Aw, man, that sucks.

HAN: You sure don?t sound that heartbroken over it.

MARA: Nah, not really. I?ll just make another one.

HAN: Well, we can?t get out that way. I guess we?ll have to take my way after all. Come on, Princess! [yanks MARA after him]

MARA: Hey, watch it, numbnuts!

THREEPIO, who has just caught up to them, sees them now running in the opposite direction.

THREEPIO: But...but...but...where are you going? Uh...come back!!!

MARA: I say we ditch the golden boy. He?s gonna slow us down.

HAN: You know something, Mara?

MARA: I know everything, Solo.

HAN: I didn?t mean it like that, you moron!

MARA: Oh, then what?

HAN: For once, I actually agree with you.

MARA: You mean, about ditching Threepio? [her eyes widen] Does this mean...you love me?

HAN: Um, no.

MARA: Darn.

 

Poor Threepio. I wanted to point out a typo. In the first sentence of this fic you say that Leia and Han are the ones running down the halls, not Han and Mara.

Great chapter. I look forward to reading more.

AG88

 

Thanks, guys! And thank you for pointing out that typo, AG88.

More to come tomorrow!

 

As promised...

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SCENE FIFTEEN - MARA and HAN reach the entrance to the hangar bay. THREEPIO is, of course, lagging way behind them.

MARA: [pushes HAN through the door] Hurry! I?ll lock the door before he gets here.

She shuts the door and activates the lock, just as THREEPIO reaches them.

THREEPIO: Oh, blast these frozen servomotors! Wait! Wait for me! Wait! Stop!

He bangs on the door in a fruitless attempt to open it.

MARA: [laughs evilly] Try and follow us now, you gold piece of crap!

HAN: [getting a guilty conscience] Let him in, Mara.

MARA: Um...exsqueeze me? Did you just give me an order?

HAN: Yeah, and I?m ordering you to let him in!

MARA: Are you kidding me? You can?t stand that little twerp! You hate him almost as much as I do.

HAN: He?s a pain in the ass, but he doesn?t deserve to get left here. [he opens the door and pulls the bewildered THREEPIO in] Come on!

MARA: I don?t believe it. You?ve gone soft on me, Solo. [gives him a disappointed look] Suddenly, you don?t seem so attractive anymore.

HAN: You?re breaking my heart, babe. Now, let?s get moving!

They take off running toward the waiting Falcon.

HAN: [to THREEPIO] Hurry up, Goldenrod, or you?re gonna be a permanent resident!

THREEPIO: Wait! Wait!

MARA: [looking upwards] Please, God, if there is a God up there, please let him trip over something, preferably something really big and really sharp...

CHEWIE roars in relief when he sees the trio approaching. But then he notices MARA, and he growls at HAN.

CHEWIE: [What the hell is she doing here?]

HAN: Um...[holds up the stun-cuffs clamped on his wrist and hers]...we?re kinda stuck together.

CHEWIE: [Why, Han, I didn?t know you were into?]

HAN: Oh shut up, it ain?t what you think!

MARA: Maybe it?s exactly what he thinks, and you?re just in denial. [winks seductively at HAN]

HAN: That made no sense whatsoever. But whatever. Let?s just get out of here before?

Suddenly, Imperial snowtroopers burst into the hangar, opening fire at them.

HAN: Great, I jinxed us again.

One bolt sails over MARA?s head, almost singeing her perfect, luxuriously-wavy hair.

MARA: Hey! [to snowtroopers] Watch it, you bozos! And what?s with those stupid skirts you?re wearing? You look like a bunch of pansies!

HAN: Great, just provoke them while you?re at it. Thanks a lot, sweetheart.

MARA: [bats her eyes at him] Why thank you, I do try.

CHEWIE: [Guys, escape now, flirt later! Come on!]

They all rush into the Falcon. THREEPIO is, predictably, dead last.

HAN is now standing in front of a control panel, flipping switches left and right, while CHEWIE is watching a troublesome gauge. MARA, of course, is already bored, so she examines her nails.

MARA: Crap, I got a hangnail. [nibbles it off] There, much better.

HAN: [to Chewie] How?s this?

CHEWIE roars back a negative.

MARA: Would it helped if I got out and pushed?

HAN: It might.

MARA: Or you know what? Better yet, have Threepio go out and push. Then we can ditch his sorry butt for good.

THREEPIO: Captain Solo! Captain Solo!

MARA: [groans] Force, don?t you know when to stop?!

THREEPIO: Sir, might I suggest that you?

MARA has finally had enough. As THREEPIO walks past her, she balls her hand into a fist and punches the annoying robot right in the face, knocking him flat on his back.

MARA: SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!

THREEPIO: [dazed] It can wait.

HAN: Whoa. [looks up at MARA, with admiration in his eyes for the first time] You have no idea how long I?ve been wanting to do that...

MARA: [touched] Does that mean...

HAN: No, I don?t love you, prince

 

That was a great chapter!!!

LOL I also wondered about that outfit!

Oh man, she is really dissing the Falcon... but it is true.

LOL I loved that line!!

Awwwww my poor farmboy. Maybe I should go comfort him.

Great job!!

AG88

 

This is hysterical. You are sooo baaad.

 

Thanks, everyone! And welcome, divapilot!

Here's more:

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SCENE SEVENTEEN - The Falcon leaves Hoth, and is pursued by several Star Destroyers and TIE fighters.

CHEWIE: Roar!

HAN: I saw them, I saw them!

MARA: Saw what?

HAN: Star Destroyers, two of them, coming right at us.

MARA: Oh, brilliant. Great job, Captain Stupid. Another fine mess you?ve gotten into. Oh, if only we were in my ship right now?

HAN: Mara, why don?t you just take your wonderful ship and shove it up your?

THREEPIO enters the cockpit, acting all prissy and stuff.

THREEPIO: Sir, sir! Might I suggest...

HAN: Shut him up, or shut him down!

MARA: No problem. [whips out her lightsaber] Come here, Goldie!

THREEPIO: Oh my goodness! Master Han, help!

HAN begins barking orders at CHEWIE, while in the background, MARA chases after a terrified THREEPIO with her lightsaber, screaming like a madwoman.

HAN: Check the deflector shield!

CHEWIE: Growl!

HAN: Oh, great. Well, we can still outmaneuver them.

MARA slashes her lightsaber at THREEPIO, taking out a good chunk of the wall as the droid ducks.

THREEPIO: Be careful, Princess! You could have damaged me!

MARA: That?s the whole point, stupid! Now hold still! [attacks him again, screeching] Ayiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyi!!!!!!!!!

THREEPIO screams, too, and takes off out of the cockpit, MARA in hot pursuit.

EVIL VOICE: You will kill See-Threepio.

MARA: Now you?re talkin?! Come back here, you!

HAN: Chewie, hurry and lock the door!

CHEWIE gets up from the copilot?s chair and seals the door shut before either MARA or THREEPIO could return.

HAN: [sighs in relief] Thank the Maker. Never in my life have I encountered so many annoying people all at once.

CHEWIE snarls in agreement.

Suddenly, a crackling voice fills the cockpit. It?s coming from the closest Star Destroyer.

VOICE: This is Admiral NeoStar9 of the Imperial Star Destroyer Shelley. We order you to surrender the princess to us at once, or suffer the consequences.

HAN: [looks at CHEWIE] They want the leech! [replies to NEOSTAR9] Um, if we give her to you, will you leave us alone?

NEOSTAR9: Uh, yeah, sure. Mara Jade is annoying, rude, and disrespectful--

HAN: Can?t argue with that.

NEOSTAR9: ?and represents a threat to the entire EU, and she must be terminated immediately!

ANONYMOUS IMPERIAL OFFICER: But, sir, didn?t Lord Vader want her alive?

NEOSTAR9: Shut up, you fool! I hate Mara, and she must DIE DIE DIE!!!!!!

HAN: The EU? What the hell is an EU? But whatever. You want to kill her. I?m all for it. [to CHEWIE] Get our blasters, and set them for STUN.

Suddenly, there?s a loud hiss, and MARA cuts through the cockpit door with her lightsaber.

MARA: Blast! I lost that stupid droid.

HAN: Chewie, grab her!

MARA cries out as the Wookiee wraps his long, powerful arms around her.

MARA: Hey, what the hell is this? Let go of me, you pervert!

HAN: All right! [to NEOSTAR9] Star Destroyer Shelley, we?ve got the princess subdued and ready for you.

MARA: You jerk! You?re selling me out to the enemy. I thought we had something together?

NEOSTAR9: Excellent! Princess Mara Jade of the planet Ego?

Cue trumpets.

NEOSTAR9: [gets angry, and shoots the trumpet conductor with his blaster] ?for your crimes against the EU, as well as your bad attitude, you will be terminated ASAP. Any last words?

MARA: The EU? What the hell did I do to the European Union? Okay, sure I slept with the king of England, and I assassinated that one Greek prince after I seduced him, but the Russians made me do it! They brainwashed me, I didn?t have a choice! Damn Commies...

HAN:[/b

 

And don't forget my good friend Tiershon Fett. Man those three used to do a tag team Mara-bash on me, and Shelly and TF liked me! I almost miss those drag out fights over at the Literature Forum... almost.

Another great chapter. I love how you include a lot of the arguments against Mara in this fic. It is [beeping] funny when they are presented in this manner.

Now you have to have AG88, RedGold, Jedi_Trace and Diva Pilot swoop in and save the day... or at least have RedGold, Jedi_Trace and Diva Pilot save the day and I can go and comfort the Farmboy. Poor Farmboy.

AG88