"Maradusa: Mara Jade Satirized"(Contributions Welcome!)

Great post, Renata! Loved Leiadriel (so much better than that Thorazine-crazed junkie we got in the FOTR movie). Can't wait for more!

 

Solo watched the busy writers, who occasionally nibbled from dishes of chocolate on the tables to sustain them before plunging back into their work.

I recognize myself, I recognize myself! Do I really have to think again?

Fanfiction, the only thing to hold the evil of Maruman at bay! Too funny, and too true!

And this is not funny, but very true, especially in our own world: Because of her, people do not realize that a woman can be strong and assertive without being obnoxious and rude. She can be flirtatious without belittling the man who loves her. She can be attractive and seductive while dressing modestly. She does not need to use her body to get what she wants.

Excellent post!

 

This is TOO fantastic for words! *Thunderous applause!*

I guess I really need to get back to Mara Wars . . . .

 

*cheers*

Fantastic post, Renata, just fantastic!

 

I guess I really need to get back to Mara Wars . . . .

Yes, yes you must! That way I can get started on the sequel...Mara Strikes Back!

 

You all realize that this was supposed to be a short, fluffy parody. The thing has taken on a life of its own! Hope this will hold you until the holidays; I?ll be out of town.

I'll expect lots of new stuff to read when I get back; anyone want to tackle "Grease" or "Men in Black" Mara-style?

* * *

When Solo was asleep, Leiadriel summoned the Phanzz to the Council chamber. ?The quest of the Scrollbearer must continue,? she said. ?He must bring the scroll to Mount George, where the fires will purge us of its evil forever.? Her eyes swept over the faithful few. ?He cannot do this alone. With Obigorn gone, someone else must accompany him.?

The Phanzz shifted, sharing uneasy glances. One raised his hand. ?To get to Mount George, he must pass within the shadow of the Jade Tower,? he protested. ?There is no way to get him past without Maruman detecting him!?

?She has eyes everywhere,? added another fan, to a general murmur of agreement.

?Then we must give her something else to think about,? said Leiadriel calmly. ?We will stage a diversion.?

One woman shook her head. ?We must not forget the last time we went against Maruman. We can never recover from that loss.? A few eyes strayed to look at the tapestry on the nearby wall, depicting a noble Wookiee. A small candle burned in vigil beneath it.

Leiadriel nodded. ?This time, we will attack the Tower. With our army against her, she will never notice the Scrollbearer.?

?Attacking that thing is suicide!? cried one young man. ?We don?t stand a chance.?

?We will not fight alone,? said Leiadriel. ?You will see. Now,? she continued, scanning the crowd, ?who will agree to escort Solo to Mount George??

There was a long silence as people looked at each other uneasily. No one wanted to commit themselves to such a fearsome task. Finally, a young woman with straight brown hair stepped forward. ?I will accompany the Scrollbearer,? she said with resignation.

Leiadriel smiled. ?Megolas, your knowledge will be invaluable.?

Another young woman, dark-skinned with elegant cornrows, came to stand beside Megolas. ?She can?t make it without me!?

?Kymli,? acknowledged Leiadriel.

?I will go, too,? added a shapely girl with sky-blue eyes. She tossed her golden hair, which fell back in wings from her head.

?Farrahmir,? said Leiadriel.

?Hey, me too!? A plump girl, with wire-rimmed glasses and a headful of red curls tripped over a boy in the front row.

?Pam.? Leiadriel looked at them. ?You shall be the Fellowship of the Scroll. You will accompany Solo to Mount George, and do any task, make any sacrifice to protect him and make sure the Scroll is destroyed.?

They bowed to her. ?We so swear, my Lady.?

?And the rest of us ride tomorrow to seek aid.?

?From who?? asked a skeptical young man. The White Lady smiled mystically.

?From those who understand,? she said.

 

Farrahmir

You're killing me!!!!!

 

Well, the holidays put a halt to all the fun here, huh?! I have family visiting, but as soon as they are gone I will add the next installment of Mara Wars.

 

I guess so! I want to see the "Men in Black" confronting Mara! And I ran across a GREAT Terry Pratchett quote:

"...any woman setting out to make a living by the sword isn't about to go around looking like something off the cover of the more advanced kind of lingerie catalogue for the specialized buyer." It's from Light Fantastic. Now if only more comic book artists read Terry Pratchett...

Okay, I'll try to stoke the fire a bit (I actually wrote the next few chunks before I left for the holidays):

* * *

* * *
Solo awoke refreshed, ate a hearty but healthful breakfast, and spent the morning wandering around the complex. Everywhere the Phanzz were busy. Their faces were grim and sad as they put new AA batteries in their plastic lightsabers, carefully packed action figures, looked up spells?

Solo bowed in awe as Leiadriel came to join him, looking fresh and youthful in another long white gown.

?Did you sleep well?? she asked.

?Yes, my Lady,? he replied. ?This is such a peaceful place.?

?Yes,? she agreed, ?we are well guarded here.? There was a wistful note in her voice.

Solo looked at the Phanzz, who were bent over books, comparing and arguing in hushed tones. ?Obigorn said? there was an older magic, more powerful than Maruman?s.?

Leiadriel led him to an alcove. Six books rested on the shelf, with pages of silver. ?The Great Canon,? she whispered. ?This is the deepest, oldest magic. Maruman has built on it, added to it, twisted it? but she cannot change it.? She bent her shining head. ?If only we could figure out a way to use it as a weapon against her.?

?Weapon?? Solo looked around, suddenly realizing the meaning of the activity around him. ?You are preparing for war??

She smiled at him, and he was torn again by the sorrow in those rich brown eyes.

?Yes,? she said. ?We must confront Maruman. With her attention on us, you will have a chance to escape unnoticed.?

Solo wanted to protest. But he could not. ?I wish I could help.?

?We cannot ask you for more than what you are doing.? Leiadriel led him to a courtyard. A group of young women were gathered there, talking quietly as they packed. They rose and came to attention as Leiadriel and Solo approached.

?They have volunteered to accompany you to Mount George, so you will not need to bear your burden completely alone,? explained Leiadriel. ?Megolas, Farrahmir, Kymli, and Pam.?

Solo looked from one to the other. ?I cannot ask you to take such risks for me,? he said.

?You take a great risk for us,? said Megolas. ?We are ready to leave whenever you are, Scrollbearer.?

Solo swallowed, and looked around, listening to the soft rustle of the wind in the trees, staring at the green-gold of the sunlight pouring through the leaves. It was so beautiful here, how could he leave this sanctuary for the rigors that lay ahead? Helplessly, he looked at Leiadriel.

She gave him a small bottle of crystal, sparkling like a jewel in the morning light. A tiny scrap of paper was rolled up inside it. ?This is for you, Scrollbearer. On this parchment is written Maruman?s True Name. If all else fails you, if the end is near and there is no other hope, then invoke it. It is a powerful magic.?

Solo clutched it, and bowed. He longed to ask for more, for something of her, her own talisman to wear into battle. But his tongue lay in his mouth like lead, and he didn?t dare speak. She looked deeply into his eyes, and smiled suddenly. Leaning forward, she kissed his cheek softly.

?For luck,? she whispered.

Solo couldn?t talk. His heart was racing at 12 past lightspeed, and all the stars in the Galaxy seemed to be dancing around him. In a haze of joy, surrounded by her protection, he began to walk along the path towards Mount George. The young Phanzz looked back at their Lady, holding her gaze, then turned and trudged after him.

Leiadriel watched until they were out of sight, then turned and summoned an attendant.

?We leave in an hour,? she said.

 

Leaning forward, she kissed his cheek softly.

?For luck,? she whispered.

BAAAAHAAAAA!!!!!! nice touch. veeerrrry nice touch!

 

Okay, this is a little late, what with the holidays being over and all, but I couldn't resist.

From "White Christmas". Again, my profound apologies to Irving Berlin.
**********************

Red-Gold Christmas



I'm screaming of a Red-gold Christmas
Just like the ones I'm forced to know.
Where the heroes sicken
And canonists listen
To hear Mary Sue's new low
May your days be hellish and a fright
And may all your Christmases be Tang.

 

Funny that a certain group is copying the LOTR parody idea. Too bad they can't think of anything on their own.

Let's do a speculative Force Heretic fic.....

 

Good one as always, Suzuran! Poor Irv... LOL.

I've got two more little chunks written, and I know how the end turns out. But I think I have to figure out how to get from point R to point V.

* * *

The Fellowship trudged along the roadway for several days. It led through the heart of a deep forest. Although Solo was anxious to be rid of his burden, the girls insisted that he stop and rest from time to time.

?There is some time, yet, Scrollbearer,? Pam assured him. ?Leiadriel has her own plans in motion. We must give her a chance to implement them. Are you hungry??

?Famished,? admitted Solo. He thought of the sumptuous feast spread before him in Landorien, oven-baked pizza with a side of buffalo wings, and his stomach growled. The road food of the Landoriens was tasty ?corn chips and chocolate, with instant espresso for the mornings?but he longed for a hot meal.

Pam laughed. ?Go wash up in the river,? she suggested. ?We?ll have dinner ready soon.?

The river was cold, but refreshing. It felt good to scrub the dust of the road off, and he changed into fresh clothes, rinsing out the other ones and spreading them to dry in the sun. He could see the girls working around the campfire, talking softly. A dish of something was on a rock near his pack, with a fork in it. And a mug filled with steaming brown liquid sat nearby.

Grateful for their care, Solo took up the plate and fork, and scooped up a mouthful of food.

?Here, Scrollbearer, some?AH!? Kymli dropped the bowl she was holding and slapped the plate from Solo?s hands. He watched in disbelief as she picked up the mug, sniffed it, then poured the liquid on to the ground while making a face. The others came over quickly.

?What is it?? demanded Megolas.

?It was my dinner,? said Solo mournfully.

?Not likely!? snorted Kymli. She kicked at the lumps in the ground. ?Topatoes and hot chocolate? That is what Maruman serves her minions! I doubt you would have gotten far eating that!?

Solo felt his appetite disappear. ?She is tracking us,? he whispered.

Megolas looked at him sadly. ?I am sure she has been tracking you since you left home.?

?Why doesn?t she just attack me, then?? Solo felt a well of anger swell up in him. He jumped up, running past the girls to the center of the clearing and screamed, ?Why don?t you just come get me, you cowardly bimbo? Why don?t you just show yourself??

?What, risk her pretty little neck when she has a pack of drooling lackeys to do it for her?? snorted Pam. ?Heavens forbid!?

?Yeah,? added Farrah, tossing her golden mane, ?she might actually have to break a sweat.?

Megolas gestured, calming them, and led Solo to a seat on the other side of the clearing. ?She will not attack you outright, that is not her way. She slinks in the shadows, killing by stealth when she has no other option. But she will not touch you while we are here. Come, we have made you a REAL dinner.?

?Mixed spring greens in a light vinaigrette with chevres to start, and shrimp risotto,? added Farrahmir.

?And chocolate,? added Pam. ?Don?t forget the chocolate.?

The smell of garlic and butter wafted towards him and his appetite began to come back. But as he ate, his eyes constantly sought the shadows. She was watching him. He was sure of it.

 

Hm, this may be dying a natural death, this thread. But I've got two posts ready that I am going to get off my chest, by gum!

And so here is the Saga of Maruman: a tribute to the Brotherhood (and Sisterhood) of Fandom...

* * *

The Phanzz rode long and hard, pausing for brief meals before continuing. There was no sleep and only enough rest to keep the kaadu from collapsing.

They topped a ridge, and paused, looking into the valley at the sleek, modern city below.

Leiadriel?s assistant, Wedge, gasped in shock. ?The Trek Federation!? he protested. ?You cannot mean to ask them for help!?

?The Trekees have nothing to do with us,? agreed another.

Leiadriel sighed. ?They are our only hope,? she said. ?I think they will understand.?

The Phanzz rode down into the valley, trying to hide their apprehension. Only Leiadriel seemed calm. As they came through the main gates of the city, they could see the Trekees gathering, gaping and whispering. Apart from their clothing, which was clean-lined, in black with crimson, blue or gold accents, they seemed no different from the Phanzz.

Leiadriel led the procession to the steps of a stark, grey steel palace, and dismounted. As she approached the entrance, a man emerged. He was tall and slim, wearing the close-fitting garments of the Trekees, though his head was bald and gleaming.

?Leiadriel, White Lady of Landorien, what brings you to these lands?? he asked.

Leiadrield bowed. ?We have come to ask for help from your people, Lord Jean-Luc,? she replied.

There were murmurs from the watching crowd. The Phanzz looked around nervously.

Leiadriel approached him. ?For many years, our two peoples have lived in peace, occasionally trading or sharing small celebrations and conventions. Now, the Phanzz of Landorien are threatened by a terrible evil. In order to defeat it, we must destroy the Jade Tower of Maruman, and we cannot do it by ourselves. We ask you, no, we beg you for your help.? Leiadriel went down on one knee, bowing her head in submission. The Phanzz quickly followed her example.

?Help us, Jean-Luc Picard,? she said. ?You?re our only hope.?

The Trekees were stunned into silence. After a moment, a burly man beside Jean-Luc growled.

?Why should we help them?? he demanded. ?They seized lands that were rightfully ours! And Maruman is their problem, she is no threat to us!?

?No, Stryker,? said Jean-Luc quietly. ?While Maruman is indeed their problem, you must remember that we have faced others like her before. And while our two peoples have not always seen eye to eye, we are more alike than any of us care to admit. Indeed, if it were not for the Phanzz, we might not be here. Let us not forget what happened when V?ger returned to our lands,? he added sternly, looking around at the assembled Trekees. They winced at the memory; indeed, many Trekees had taken refuge in Landorien until that was settled.

Jean-Luc took Leiadriel by the hand and helped her to her feet. ?We will fight at your side,? he said. ?Maruman shall not triumph.?

Stryker looked at the other officers gathering around. ?I?ll prepare the army,? he said.

Jean-Luc nodded. ?Make it so.?

 

You're killin' me! I shouldn't be laughing out loud here...

 

ROTFLMAO! Love the Trekkees!

That was great, Renata!

 

Stryker! Lord Jean-Luc! Trekees taking refuge in Landorien until the threat of V'ger was over! Excellent!

Sounds like Solo had a narrow escape there from topatoes and hot chocolate (ewww, what a combination!)

*walks away laughing, stops short, comes back to read it again*

 

In the words of my current favorite commercial:

SNORT!!

Well, I'd better get going on Mara Wars or it will be ancient history soon!

 

Yeah, c'mon, Angel, we need to find out how Her Worshipful Red-Goldness single-handedly destroys the Death Star, turns Darth Vader, rescues the Ewoks AND usurps the throne of the Emperor! LOL... And of course there has to be a final duel between Luke & Han over who wins her Looooooove...

Go for it!

 

Here's a rewrite of the following passage:

Mara Jade swung out, clad in a tight metallic jumpsuit with a helmet tucked under her right elbow. As she tossed her head to loosen her red-gold hair, she narrowed her eyes. He stared with a warm-cold shudder at the energy and intelligence that radiated from this woman. He marveled at her generous curves, her tough exterior.


Mara Jade swung out, clad in tight Mylar, a helmet tucked under her right elbow. Despite the impracticality of having loose hair under a helmet, she shook her head and cooed, "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful," while squinting. He stared with a warm/cold convulsion at the endothermic woman wearing glasses and a pocket protector. He marveled at her curves with "Touch me!" tattooed all over them, her scaly exterior.

 

"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful!" LOL!

No, we'll just hate you for other reasons! A "warm/cold shudder"? Word one, Shelley, is that really what it said? Where's the barf icon when you need it?

I have one more post pre-written for Maruman, then I'll be winging it.

 

Great rewrite, Shelley.

Hmm, I think I should get cracking on another poetic satire. *shakes head* I think the poets want to kill me right now for Tang-ing ( ) their works.

Oh well, all in good fun.

 

* * *

The forest was growing less dense. Soon, rolling farmland lay ahead. Lush pastures with grazing nerfs lay behind the stone walls lining either side of the road. The dust rose up in a yellow cloud, and Solo had a rock in his boot. He sat down to remove it while Kymli and Megolas scouted the bridge a little way ahead. Pam was keeping an eye on the road to the rear, with an occasional glance up at the skies, while Farrahmir offered him some cornchips.

As he threw the stone away and re-fastened the buckle on the boot, he noticed a small stone with words painted on it. He picked it up, wondering.

??Phanzz are losers??? he read.

?What?? Farrahmir and Pam turned to him in surprise. He held up the rock to show them. It burst into flames in his hand, and he dropped it with a cry of pain. Megolas and Kymli raced back from the bridge, each with Anakin Skywalker in Podrace Gear clutched in one hand.

?The rock!? he explained. ?That?s what it said.?

Loud guffaws burst out from behind the walls. The Phanzz swung to confront the threat. Solo realized it wasn?t coming from behind the wall, it was coming from the wall itself. Three stones?stones? No, creatures. They were round, misshapen, with small, stubbly arms and legs. Their skin was grey, spotted with a pale green rash that looked like lichen, and each had three red beady eyes that glared at him.

One picked up another rock, throwing it at the fans. ?Leiadriel is an airhead!? it jeered, as the rock ignited in mid-air. Solo grit his teeth, and lunged at them. Megolas and Pam each grabbed an arm.

?Ignore them!? ordered Megolas. ?We have to keep going!?

?But they said??

?I know what they said! Come on!?

Farrahmir squealed as another chunk of burning rock flew close to her, almost setting her perfectly-brushed hair on fire. ?They call us losers?? she grumbled.

?Fanfiction is a waste of time!? screamed a rock creature. Kymli stomped out the rock that landed at her feet.

?Who are they?? asked Solo.

Megolas sighed. ?They?re just trolls,? she said. ?They?re just trying to start a flamewar. They aren?t worth the time. Just ignore them.?

The Phanzz settled their packs on their shoulders, and began to march off.

A large chunk of flamebait sailed over Megolas?s shoulder.

?OBIGORN WEARS WOMEN?S UNDERWEAR!? shrieked the trolls in unison. The Phanzz tensed. They turned around. Solo held his breath. After a long, terrifying pause, the girls exhaled, and exchanged glances. Then they turned and walked away.

 

flame wars?



that killed me. hysterical! you're doing a great job with this renata. can't wait to see more...

 

Renata, this is hilarious! Picard was perfect, and you gotta love those trolls! ROTFLOL!