Memories (A non-Star Wars story dedicated to the memory of lives cut short)

This actually completely unrelated to Star Wars, but I would like some feedback. I plan to submit this to my school's literary magazine and I would like some comments on it.

Background: This hasn't been a stable year for my school. Earlier, a girl in my grade commited suicide, leaving a note to one of the English teachers. A poignant reminder of her presense was the fact she won an essay contest. The topic: What My Freedom Means to Me. A few weeks ago, a boy (who was, frighteningly enough, in my homeroom) brutally raped and beat, leading to her death, the step-sister of a sophomore at my school. The sophomore tried to defend her sister and was also beaten. She is now in serious condition at the hospital in Indianapolis. Over the weekend, a senior was in a car accident. He was pronounced brain-dead and had his life support shut off on Monday. This story is dedicated to their memory, as well as everyone else who has been forced to go before their time. Please, I beg you, comment on my story. It would really mean a lot to me.

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Memories

A Short Story Dedicated to Who No Longer Walk With Us


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The air was hot and hung over the shore. A lone figure walked along in the sand, barefoot tracks marking her travel over the searing surface. No breeze stirred the air; no sound permeated the area. The entire world seemed to hold its breath, waiting for an unknown signal that would allow life to continue.

The sojourner made her slow course through the sands, carefully picking her way through the sand. In one hand she held her sandals, the other was empty, swinging gently in rhythm with her pace. Her gray eyes danced with unspoken emotion. Occasionally, she?d glance up, peering into the brightness towards the horizon that lay beyond the endless expanse of sea and sand. Her face contorted slightly, and her eyes fell back to the stretch of sand directly beneath her feet. It was too painful, too much to bear yet.

She paused in her strides, collecting her long hair in her empty hand, flinging it over her shoulder in a distracted gesture. Turning, she looked out to the shimmering water where the sun had begun its arc towards the ocean. Ripples lapped up to the coast, and she moved to stand at the brink of land and water, dropping her sandals. A light wind picked up, playing with her hair and sending shivers across the water.

The walker pursed her lips slightly. A paramount awareness rose in her breast, swelling to the bursting point. The empty moments, vacated by the shadows of individuals who only existed in her memories, seemed to shift around her. Her lone set of footprints echoed the feet who no longer danced or walked, skipping to the pure ecstasy of a young life.

The moment slowly drifted beyond her grasp as she watched the water caress her toes. It was too much to take in, too much to absorb all at once. The voyager bent down to pick up her sandals, and decided to deal with it the only way she knew how. Gradually, she resumed her pace along the shoreline, carefully putting one foot in front of the other. The only mark that confirmed her presence was the footprints in the sand. That, and the memories of times past engraved on her heart.

 

I am always sorry to hear of things like this happening. Your writing style is excellent; very vivid. Good luck with the submission, and MTFBWY.

 

My sympathies. You are doing great with the writing (both here and on USJS). You paint a very vivid picture with words. MTFBWY

-K'Tai

 

Very poignant and touching. Your writing style is excellent and you have a real sensitivity for feelings.

 

That was indeed very poignant... The imagery was simply beautiful...

 

I found the reference to placing "one foot in front of the other" particularily poignant. This feels like poetry, and the picture you paint of the woman reminds me of my mother, after my brother took his own life at 14 years of age. Your writing really evokes a lot of emotion, no easy task.

Do not doubt that you have done honour to their memories.

- Rani

 

One of my friends died when she was 10, this is beautiful, thank you.

 

Thank you, everyone. I feel much more confident submitting this now. I hope that it goes over as well in my school as it has here. I'm glad that you all approve.

My sympathies, Rani Veko and Jedi Erica Amidala. I don't know how long it's been, and I know that words can do little to help, but I offer them because that's all I can.

 

Heart wringing warble, Musical, it was so vivid!
And there was one almost translucent shade: the footprints in the sand. The only mark ever could confirm our presence anywhere ? a lone track that would be erased by the next breaker. And the most reliable substance we can engrave our footsteps on is hearts ? hearts that will become themselves sand and dust ? some day? A couple of lines, cheerful words, and a fragile string ? that very signals allow life to continue. Neither more. Nor less.

 

*smiles a bit wistfully* My thoughts exactly.

 

I've decided to totally revamp my "Homage" project after watching "The Mummy" on DVD twice. I was originally planning on doing a homage to only Lucas, but Steve Sommers is quickly becoming one of my favorite directors. Simply put, here's the idea I had. Please let me know if I'm on to something. Basically, It will follow the same structure as I had planned, but with more of a backstory.

Here's the basic plot.

My character, Nemesis or whatever, is comdemned to be buried alive for all eternity for dabbling in various blasphemous activities, particularly with a certain woman. He will never age, he will never die, he will just lie there. Of course, eventually someone unearths him....

Insainit follows, and I don't want to give away the entire plot.
What do u think?

Jason

 

That's the MUMMY to the tee. Don't you want to do something more original?

Just my humble opinion.

 

Actually, when you see it done, it's not going to be. Perhaps I didn't give away enough, and BTW...most of these fanfilms are not that original, no offense. Anyways, the story is going to be a mix of Star Wars, The Mummy, Dark Shadows, and Chris Farley movies. It's a hybrid, but the emphasis is mostly on SW, with that particular Mummy tone intact. When I actually shoot it, they way I'm envisioning it, it won't een compare to Mummy?

 

Jaycen - I like the way you invite us all to share your thesis work - I feel like I'm studying right alongside you! I checked out your site recently, and it seems to be coming along nicely...

Actually, I agree that too many people want to stay too rigidly to the confines of the SW universe. Not that there's anything wrong with that, just that it doesn't hurt to add your own ideas too.

This reminds me of the recent thread about a sabre whip. Someone said it was 'lame' to have a sabre whip, and should stick to regular sabres... well, which is lamer - someone trying to develop a fresh angle on a used concept, or someone just copying that concept rigidly without any creativity at all...?

I bet that if a fanfilm came up with the concept of a double sabre before TPM, that film would also be labelled as 'lame'...

Keep giving us more, Jaycen...

Saeed TTC

BTW I liked 'The Mummy', but doesn't Steve Sommers irritate you by calling everyone 'sweethearts'?!?

 

Yes, "sweethearts" is really annoying.

 

I guess that's my point, Jaycen, it seems to me that a more original story would stand out better. To say that most fan films aren't too original isn't a positive point. And I disagree with that statement anyway. TROOPS was completely original in it's style and gave us something to think about when the Storm Troopers visited Owen and Beru.

Then there's LEGACY OF THE JEDI ... sure it's in the SW universe, but the STORY is original.

I guess what I'm saying is that to stand out, an original story is always going to serve you better. No offense.

However, I'm still looking forward to what you're going to show us. Good luck!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Geneva,Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jaycen_Kayde:
Actually, when you see it done, it's not going to be. Perhaps I didn't give away enough, and BTW...most of these fanfilms are not that original, no offense. Anyways, the story is going to be a mix of Star Wars, The Mummy, Dark Shadows, and Chris Farley movies. It's a hybrid, but the emphasis is mostly on SW, with that particular Mummy tone intact. When I actually shoot it, they way I'm envisioning it, it won't een compare to Mummy?

 

Point taken and welcome. However, you must also look at the other side of the spectrum. Maru was one of the best fanfilms I've seen, yet the dialogue was right out of SW. Don't get me wrong, I admire and love every film on this site, they're all admirable and very good.

However, since my film is titled "Homage" I think it has to offer up a bit of familiar material. My challenge is to weave it into my story and still make the viewer think "hey, I've seen something like this before." So while I agree with you, the topic may not be 100% original, I also feel that this project will be original in it's own right. Thanx for the comments though. Always appreciated

Jason

[This message has been edited by Jaycen_Kayde (edited 06-19-2000).]