Beyond - Legends Merely Players--a young Face Loran reflects

Title: Merely Players
Author(s): SakuraTsukikage
Timeframe: Um, I figure Face is about fourteen or fifteen. So, about ten years before Wraith Squadron?
Characters: Garik "Face" Loran
Genre: Angst
Summary: A star reflects on sides, scars, ignorance, and what he's going to do with his life now.
Disclaimer: Face belongs to Aaron Allston. All belongs to the Flanneled One. Shockingly, I am neither one of these individuals.
Notes: Don't ask me where this came from. I've never even written Face before. Oh, well--it was fun. If fun is the right word.

Merely Players

He stared up at the ceiling and thought that maybe he wanted to die.

He was an actor, or had been one, but he wasn?t being dramatic. It wasn?t a dramatic feeling, not like the proclamations of despair and self-loathing and theatrical suicides in bad holovids. It was just a quiet, hollow sort of lassitude, leaving him feeling too empty to pick himself up off the bed and do anything, even haul himself over to the ?fresher and take the shower he was really starting to need now. He didn?t know how long he?d just been lying here on this bed, staring at the ceiling. He felt as if he stared at it long enough, some of the jagged shards of thought inside his head might fall back together the right way, or something might happen that would tell him what to do, that his mind would stop chasing its own ion trail and come up with something new. But nothing like that had happened so far.

But the doctors Aunt had found had said he needed rest, after all.

He closed his eyes to block out the featureless stretch of creamy beige molding that was really quite attractive above him and contemplated dying. Aunt thought he hadn?t noticed, but he knew there was a blaster lying in the dressing room. She was determined to protect him from the monsters who?d done this to him?she?d told him that, and stroked his hair, and held his hand, and if anyone came here looking for him he was pretty sure she?d shoot them. She was being so incredibly nice to him. Why hadn?t he ever noticed how great she was before? She was determined to protect him, but he didn?t think she?d ever considered that she?d have to protect him from himself. He could just drag himself out of bed and into the other room and pick up the blaster and point it at his head and burn a hole in his brains before anyone knew what was going on. It would probably hurt, but what was a little pain now? He might even be doing the galaxy a favor. He probably deserved it. They?d been planning to kill him, anyway, before they?d been interrupted. After they?d shown him what he?d done.

Wet heat stung at the backs of his eyelids, and he bit his lip as the images swam back up behind his eyes. What had he done? He?d had no idea, none at all. He?d thought that?he didn?t know what he?d thought. He?d never thought about the political purpose of the holos he?d been making. He?d just?he?d just liked doing it, acting, making vids. His hands clenched in the sheets beneath him, fisting the soft, silky cloth into bunches between his fingers. He?d never thought, not at all. That was what they?d been trying to show him.

He turned his head to the side, biting the inside of his lips, his cheeks, his tongue to keep back the tears. He hadn?t known, he just hadn?t realized. That had been what he?d told himself at first. He?d had no way to find out. How dare they blame him, punish him, for things he couldn't possibly have known. But now he realized that was just an excuse. It was just like they?d said, if he was old enough to be making vids, he was old enough to realize the truth of what he was doing. Had done, without ever realizing what it really meant. How much of an idiot could you be?I thought you were supposed to be smart, Garik Loran.

The tears escaped, then, not because he hurt because he didn?t deserve to be crying about that, it was nothing, but because of all those beings who had died, all those people the Empire had hurt, and he hadn?t known a thing about

 

Always like to see a Wraith fic, of any kind.

I thought it showed some interesting, and often ignored aspect to Face's character.

Also liked the title! Oooh, Shakespeare.

 

Hey, thanks! Me too--the Wraiths are awesome. I'm not really sure where this came from, but I like writing characters I don't see around the boards too much sometimes. The Face I was writing about here isn't the Face we see in Wraith Squadron--he had a lot of time to grow up in between--but I wanted the adult to be visible in the teen. Hope it worked out . It sure is angsty, but teenagers, even non-traumatized ones, tend to be that way.

And yes, Shakespeare is awesome. I thought it fit.

 

Well well, if it isn't one of my favorite authors writing my very favorite thing in the whole wide world - Wraiths!

Honestly, darling, I'm sort of speechless. That was really amazing! Great job getting inside Face's head and his thought process, expecially since there aren't many examples of Face!angst in the books to go off of. Poor little guy! I got all choked up!

Not as ugly as if he?d been missing half his face or anything, of course, but it was still ugly.

Don't know if this was intentional or not, but that line totally made me think of Phanan!

 

It's so good to see stories that give some backstory on some of the less written characters. And this is a wonderful, and highly plausible, insightful look into Face's past. You captured that kind of teen extremism and fatalistic humour really well.

The automated cleanser swirled the evidence away and the air purifier whisked away the smell and filled the ?fresher with the crisp freshness of the air outside Aunt?s secluded country retreat and he wiped his face clean and in a few moments it was like he?d never been sick at all, all the unpleasantness washed quickly away before anyone would actually have to deal with it. Just the way his life had always been. Just like the Empire had cleaned up all those things they had done.
That was a great comparison.

All he could do was imitate heroism, mimic bravery, never live it. When it came down to it, he?d been a big, shivering, terrified baby, not brave at all. How pathetic could you get? He was only a player. Not the real thing. Never the real thing.

Poor Face.

He thought about the blaster in the other room again. It would be cold in his hands, against his temple. A moment of bright, hot pain and then it would all be over, he could never do anything this wrong ever again. Stars, his whole life?his whole life had been wrong. He?d be gone, and that would be the end of it.

He looked at his tight, pale features, looked at a pretty face with that ugly wound across it, and told himself no. It was too easy. Too easy, too simple, too quick. There wasn?t anything simple or quick about the propaganda that face had given the Empire, the things he had done. He didn?t deserve to take the easy way out, end it just like that. The people who had captured him had been monsters, as bad as the monster they?d showed him he served, but maybe somewhere out there was a real Rebellion. Something different from the Empire. A real cause to fight for.
I really liked the way you built it up to the turning point where he turns his guilt and self-hate into something positive.

Like Lusa, I also liked the way Face's description of himself reminded me of Ton. It kind of backs up the idea that they recognised a kind of "brothers under the damaged skin" thing about each other.

Anyway - this was great. Thanks for sharing it.

 

Always love to see a Wraith story.

Wondeful writing of his character.

Poos Face, crying

 

Interesting introspection into a character we don't read about often. I like how he wavers between a false life as an actor in the vids and having a real life, one that actually matters.

The reasoning behind deciding to keep the scar, and the way you describe it, is very intriging.

 

Reading a story about Face Loran is something you can't do often- and this was a wonderful one. It was very angsty, but you made his whole demeanour seem so realistic....
I loved the bit with the scar.
Great job!

 

Great fic. It's not too often that Face shows up in a story around here. Nicely done.