Before Monsters (JA A/U, Evil Qui Viggie, Cover art added 9/24)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by stormqueen874, Sep 18, 2005.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
Moderators: Briannakin, mavjade
  1. stormqueen874 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 7, 2005
    star 4
    Monsters
    By: Stormqueen

    Timeframe: JA, before TPM
    Genre: Angst, AU
    Characters: Evil Qui and poor Obi
    Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me, save some of the ideas, but some of those were also lifted from "Batman Begins" (I'm sure you can figure out which. :p Layren, that ice scene was totally for you.)

    Notes: I've had this idea bubbling around in the back of my head since I saw that movie back in June, but I've only just now gotten around to writing it.

    A huge, HUGE thank you to both Layren, for telling me to get my butt in gear and write it and then offering suggestions on what to do with the issues I was having, and to Nienna for beta-ing and also offering lots of wonderful advice. [:D][:D] To you both! :D

    And now I have the most lovely piece of cover art ever created:

    [image=http://i8.photobucket.com/albums/a23/stormqueen873/monsters-cover.jpg]

    A HUGE thank you to the lovely miss Jennifer_Lyn for making it! Check out her site here: Jennifer_Lyn for some more of her wonderful work. Thanks again, J_L! :D

    ***

    The first thing that caught Obi-Wan?s eye the moment he stepped off the transport was the desolate, snow-covered mountain in the distance. It loomed over everything in sight, its shadow wrapping the lands around it in a cool, dark light, and he couldn?t help but shiver slightly at the tug he felt from the Force.

    He was bound to climb that mountain one day. He knew that from the instant he set foot on Bandomeer.

    The wind caught his tunics and teased his short hair as he stepped towards the group that had arrived to meet him. He held up a hand to shade his eyes from the sun, his other hand tightening on the pack slung over his shoulder. All around him stretched a dry plain, strewn with rock and sparse, golden grass. It was colder than he had expected, but he knew he would grow accustomed to it, given time.

    ?You must be Obi-Wan,? one of the men in the group said, smiling and gesturing towards the waiting speeder. ?Welcome. I hope your flight here was all right??

    He nodded mutely, his eyes still roaming the surrounding countryside. Something was calling him here, something he couldn?t explain. He could feel it, as though the Force was churning all around him, whispering to him that this was where he belonged.

    For now.

    ?Come, we?ll get your things and then we?ll be off.?

    He nodded again, his gaze landing on a figure in the distance, a being of great height. It appeared to be watching them closely, and Obi-Wan drew a sharp breath when the Force swirled around him furiously.

    What did it mean?

    He blinked for a split second and the figure was gone, almost as though it had never been there to begin with.

    ?Is something the matter??

    He started at the voice and turned towards its owner, bowing his head. ?Forgive me,? he said quietly. ?It was nothing.?

    ***

    His boots tapped softly against the aged stone floor beneath his feet, the lights flickering and their flames casting long shadows in the darkness. The air around him was stagnant and dusty, mixing with the metallic smell of rusting metal and sharp scent of rotting wood. He was in the oldest part of the fortress he called his home, the part that dug deep into the mountain it rested on and housed the normally unused dungeons.

    ?My lord.?

    He nodded in greeting to the soldiers who guarded the cell, and waited as one of them moved to open the door, the old-fashioned key creaking loudly in the lock.

    ?Have you had any problems?? he asked quietly and one of the guards shook his head.

    ?None, my lord. The inhibitors were administered on schedule and all the containment shields were examined. Nothing appears to be amiss,? the guard said as the door swung open at last.

    He nodded once more to the guards and stepped down into the waiting cell, pausing at the final step until the door was secured behind him.

    ?You?re late.?

    He looked up at the sound of the weakened voice, his gaze fixing upon the cell?s oc
  2. Nienna_Narmolanya Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 5, 2005
    star 4
    Yay! It's posted! :D

    What a haunting, unsettling tale you've woven! Qui-Gon is so dispassionate towards Obi-Wan that he doesn't even shed a tear when he dies. A very creepy, but believable evil Qui! And Obi is so brave! :_|

    Excellent work! =D=
  3. Layren Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 28, 2003
    star 5
    You know how much I love this vig :D

    And Kudos to you for fitting in the ice scene ;) It was so well done! That was my favorite scene in Batman Begins... [:D]
  4. Princess_Arulmozhi Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Nov 16, 2004
    star 4
    =D= That was beautifully done. Starting with the flashbacks, and with Obi's final denial - and the way he insisted that if the Force wanted him to see something, then no one could stop him. And Qui...! :eek: So very evil. The reasoning for why he turned was cool.

    Wonderful!
  5. Souderwan Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jun 3, 2005
    star 6
    Amazing!! =D= Well done!!

    ?You told me once,? the boy said at last, shutting his eyes and leaning his head against the lichen-covered wall. ?That the only true freedom we can obtain is in death.?

    Such a truly Sithy point of view this is.

    And this passage below really struck me:

    ?Didn?t you swear to obey me?? he asked, watching Obi-Wan?s somber profile carefully. The boy was lucid today and the poison was finally starting to show itself, sapping him of what little strength remained in his body.

    ?Didn?t you promise to do anything I asked of you, to give me anything I required? Wasn?t that part of your oath as my apprentice??

    ?I was a naïve fool,? Obi-Wan replied, his voice rasping in his throat, his eyes locked on the wall to his left. ?I should?ve put the facts together when you told me what to call you; I should?ve instantly realized that you were the same man who had slaughtered an entire planet in a fit of rage.?

    ?Then why didn?t you?? he asked, watching Obi-Wan flinch. ?If I truly am so evil, why didn?t you realize it in the beginning??

    Obi-Wan shuddered. ?Because I didn?t look. I was too blinded by my deep desire for training that I sold my soul to a devil.?


    I can feel the sense of betrayal Obi-Wan must be feeling! Great job!! Thanks for sharing this with me!! =D=
  6. Jennifer_Lyn Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jun 8, 2005
    star 4
    Brilliant work!
    I love how you grabbed inspiration from Ra's Al Ghul!
    Evil Qui was completely believable, too.
    Poor, brave Obi-Wan.
    This was an amazing tale. Wrenching and absorbing. Loved it.
  7. Arwen-Jade_Kenobi Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Feb 9, 2002
    star 5
    Awe man that was awesome!!! Very angsty, i loved it! Though it is sad *sniff*
  8. TRADMIC FanForce CR and President S.W.A.P FF

    Chapter Rep
    Member Since:
    Jul 24, 2005
    star 5
    A monster, you say..
    Oh evil Qui and Obi tortured to death...:_| :_|

    Great writing!!
  9. WynssaStarflare Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 17, 2004
    star 4
    Bravo! Great job! I loved the depth of emotion you put into both of them. Evil Qui-Gon was quite good.
    --Wynssa
  10. JOINME Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 25, 2005
    star 4
    Oh my!

    :eek:

    That was very sad. Qui-Gon turning to evil after Xanatos, Obi-Wan brave and noble to the end...

    :_|

    A wonderful and gripping write, really drew me in, Qui-Gon's coldness was really scary and saddening..

    Thanks for letting me know! [:D]

    You are an awesome writer. I can't wait to see what you come up with next! [face_dancing]
  11. dianethx Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    Wow, that was wonderfully creepy. Loved the flashbacks and the way Jinn was manipulating Obi-Wan. Loved that Jinn turned because Xan had turned - made a lot of sense - and then he tried to destroy the Jedi. Loved that Obi-Wan was able to thwart his plans and kill himself rather than expose the Chosen one to Jinn's will. Loved that it reminded me soooo much of Batman begins.

    Wonderful, wonderful job. =D=
  12. Healer_Leona Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Jul 7, 2000
    star 9
    That was wodnerful. A truly creepy vision of Jinn gone bad.
  13. LuvEwan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 24, 2002
    star 4
    Oh, that was hard to read. :_|

    You did a great job of making Qui-Gon evil, and making his motives believable. I really liked how you set up the circumstances of him and Obi-Wan, even if it made me shudder.

    Poor Obi-Wan. At least he never gave away the contents of the vision. :(

    Wonderful work! =D=
  14. VaderLVR64 Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Feb 5, 2004
    star 8
    HOw did I miss this earlier! Bravo! =D= I love Evil Qui stories![face_devil]
  15. Kynstar Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 2, 2004
    star 5
    Whoa...like wow! :eek: Great work!! =D= That was like...sweeeeet!!

    Poor Obi :( Gotta feel for the kid at jumping for the opportunity to be trained :(

    And Qui.. gotta feel for him even though he was a monster.

    Well done!!
  16. KELIA Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Jul 26, 2005
    star 6
    Evil Qui-Gon :eek: :eek: :eek:

    Wow - he was truly wicked...to coldly torture and watch Obi-Wan die a slow death...[face_devil] [face_devil]

    I loved how Obi-Wan stayed strong to the end.

    wonderful story!

    =D= =D= =D= =D=
  17. Star_Drifter Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jul 18, 2005
    star 3
    What a great fic! =D=

    The other remained unmoved. ?Tell me what I want to know and this will stop. You can go; no one will bother you.?
    Obi-Wan drew a shuddering gasp, lowering his hands. ?And be responsible for killing thousands of Jedi?? he snarled, his eyes blazing. ?Never.?
    ?It?s your choice.?
    ?I know,? Obi-Wan hissed, his fingers digging into his palms and reopening old wounds, the blood trailing down his wrists. ?I know.?



    ?But we each choose our paths, Obi-Wan, no matter where they might lead,? he continued quietly, brushing at several locks of limp, filthy hair, its luster long-since ruined in captivity.

    And I have chosen to be the monster


    He makes a wonderful monster, doesn't he! :D

    [face_thinking] We all make our choices, don't we? And, sometimes the right choices are the most difficult ones to make...

    I know that I'll be back to read this again. ;)

    =D= =D= =D=

  18. Eirate_rules Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 22, 2005
    star 4
    Aww, man!
    Now I hate Qui-Gon!

    Poor Obi....*sniff*
  19. JadeSolo Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Sep 20, 2002
    star 6
    Ooooooooh.... :D

    I kept thinking of Qui-Gon while watching "Batman Begins," how he could become evil if motivated in just the right way, and you did an excellent job of showing that. =D= How interesting that he turned against the Jedi because of his love for Xanatos. [face_mischief]
  20. stormqueen874 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 7, 2005
    star 4
    :eek: Holy heavens above... so many reviews! (For me anyway...) *cracks knuckles*
    I suppose I ought to respond before this gets any longer, hm?

    Nienna_Narmolanya: *hugs the stuffing out of Nienna* I don't know how else I can say thank you! :D :D :D

    Layren: Yay, you made it! [:D] Thanks so much for everything, ma dear. This fic really wouldn't have happened without you, and I'm glad you enjoyed the ice scene! :D

    Princess_Arulmozhi: My dear P_A! Thank you so much! [:D]

    And Qui...! So very evil. The reasoning for why he turned was cool.

    *sigh of relief* I was afraid I was being too vague, and originally I didn't explain it at all, but Nienna and Layren both told me I had to put something in there, so there it is. I'm glad it was believeable!

    Wonderful!

    Thanks! *grin*

    Souderwan: SW! *hugs* You really know how to make me blush, you know that? Maybe you should write a book about how to properly give compliments; you certainly are a master. ;)

    I can feel the sense of betrayal Obi-Wan must be feeling

    *grin* I'm glad it came through, how the both of them feel hurt by the other, without much backstory. I tried to keep this as mysterious as possible but keep things from being completely confusing. I'm happy I seem to have succeeded!

    Jennifer_Lyn: Ah, J_L! *hugs* I'm glad you enjoyed it so much!

    This was an amazing tale. Wrenching and absorbing. Loved it.

    Aw, thank you! [face_blush]

    Arwen-Jade_Kenobi: Thanks so much! *hugs* I'm glad you enjoyed it, despite it making you cry!

    TRADMIC: Thank you! *grin* I love it when people love my writing, it just makes my heart go [face_love]

    WynssaStarflare: Wyn, my fellow sufferer of o-chem! *hugs* Glad you enjoyed it, my dear, though I'm sure it did little to lessen the pain of chemistry...

    I loved the depth of emotion you put into both of them. Evil Qui-Gon was quite good

    Thank you! I was afraid he wasn't coming across as terribly evil, but that's my standpoint from the writer, since I've got to put myself in his shoes and make his path seem like it was the correct one. Am I making any sense? Probably not... [face_plain] Thanks again! *grin*

    JOINME: *hugs the stuffing out of JOINME as well* You don't know how much your reviews mean to me; I love having a shadow, so to speak, for all my fics! *grin*

    A wonderful and gripping write, really drew me in, Qui-Gon's coldness was really scary and saddening

    Which is what I was going for. Glad it all worked out, and I'm happy you enjoyed it! *hugs again*

    dianethx: *blinks* ... *rubs eyes* Heavens! dianethx is reading my stuff... thank you so much! *grinning like a madwoman*

    Wow, that was wonderfully creepy. Loved the flashbacks and the way Jinn was manipulating Obi-Wan. Loved that Jinn turned because Xan had turned - made a lot of sense - and then he tried to destroy the Jedi. Loved that Obi-Wan was able to thwart his plans and kill himself rather than expose the Chosen one to Jinn's will. Loved that it reminded me soooo much of Batman begins.

    That's a lot of 'loves', but each one made my grin even bigger, you have no idea. I swear I've hurt myself from such a wide smile... I'm glad you enjoyed it and that the reasoning made sense to you! *hugs*

    Healer_Leona: Thank you! *hugs* I'm glad it was creepy to you, since that's what I was going for! *grins*

    LuvEwan: *begins rubbing her eyes even harder* LE... reading... my stuff? *sits in shock before the too-wide grin returns* This is just making my day, you have no idea! I'm sorry that it was hard to read; it's how I feel about May's stuff sometimes. I read it because I want to know what happens, but I'm completely hysterical by the end. At least you were coherent enough to make a reply! :)

    You did a great job of making Qui-Gon evil, and making his motives believable. I really liked how you set up the circumstances of him and Obi-Wan, even if it made me shudder.

    Aw, thank you!
  21. Bastet Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 30, 1999
    star 4
    :_| You killed Obi-Wan!

    This story was so sad. :( I hate to see Qui so heartless, he was in true sith form. [face_devil] But I'm also mad at the Jedi for doing what they did to him and Xanatos.

    However! That's no excuse to do what he did to poor, dear, sweet Obi-Wan! Aaaahhhh, what did he ever to do him? I'm glad, though, that Obi didn't give in, and stayed noble and brave to the end, foiling Qui's plans to destroy the Jedi.

    Rest in peace, Obi-Wan Kenobi. @};- @};-

    You're a wonderful writer, stormqueen! Thanks for sharing this wonderful viggie with us! :D
  22. stormqueen874 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 7, 2005
    star 4
    Bastet: *bows for forgiveness* I know, I'm really the evil one here, killing off my favorite character. But I had to do it, the bunny said so! :p You should try it just once, just to see what kind of reaction you get out of people.

    That's no excuse to do what he did to poor, dear, sweet Obi-Wan!

    I know, can you ever forgive me?

    Thanks for the compliments, they make me feel so warm and fuzzy inside! :D

    Stormqueen
  23. Nienna_Narmolanya Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 5, 2005
    star 4
    *hugs everyone all over again, even the ones who she nearly killed*

    Nienna: *gasps* *chokes* ...Storm...queen... *gasps* ...Can't...breathe... *falls to floor*

    *Stormqueen stands over the asphixiated Nienna, a quizzical look on her face*

    SQ: Uh...Nienna...?

    :p

    I can't wait to see what other ideas jump out of your head and on to paper! I just wish I could be as original as you. :)
  24. stormqueen874 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 7, 2005
    star 4
    I can't wait to see what other ideas jump out of your head and on to paper! I just wish I could be as original as you.

    Aw, Nienna, you're such a sweetheart. :) *hugs her tentatively, allowing for her recovery from the previous ones*

    And you're original! It takes a lot of imagination to get inside Anakin's head, like you did in "A Single Tear", so don't go thinking you're not capable of originality, all right? *fixes Neinna with a semi-stern expression, which quickly breaks into a smile* You're a fine writer, ma dear, don't you doubt that for an instant! :)
  25. stormqueen874 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 7, 2005
    star 4
    Up, to show off the lovely cover art!
Moderators: Briannakin, mavjade
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.