FF:VIC Monty Python Quote-A-Thon

I would love to recommend this amusing thread from the old English UBB FF forum:

http://fanforce.net/ubb/Forum170/HTML/000046.html

 

But what if he's got a pointed stick?


Alright! Stop that. That's silly.

 

And now for something completely different - a man with a tape recorder up his nose.

Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving,
And revolving at 900 miles an hour.
And orbiting at 19 miles a second, so it's reckoned,
A star that is the source of all our power.
The sun and you and me, and all the stars that you can see,
Are moving at a million miles a day.
In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour,
Of the galaxy we call the 'Milky Way'.

Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars.
It's a hundred thousand light years side to side.
It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick,
But out by us, it's just three thousand light years wide.
We're thirty thousand light years from galactic central point.
We go 'round every two hundred million years,
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions In this amazing and expanding universe.

The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whizz
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth,
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth.

 

Are you embarased easily? I am. But not to worry - it's all part of growing up, and being British.

 

And now. A man with a tape recorder up his brothers' nose.



And now. In stereo.

 

Number 4. The Larch.

The
Larch.

 

I'm here for an argument.

 

Is How To Irritate Poeple considered Python?

Cos I have Live at the Hollywood Bowl, Brian, Grail, and Meaning and how to irrtate people

that's funny, as all of it is.

 

I'd post the hollywood bowl version of the Bruces / Philosoper's song but it has swearing so i'll post something else
The Cheese Shop Sketch
Customer: Good Morning.
Wenslydale: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium!
Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man.
Wenslydale: What can I do for you, Sir?
Customer: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through "Rogue Herrys" by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.
Wenslydale: Peckish, sir?
Customer: Esuriant.
Wenslydale: Eh?
Customer: 'Ee, Ah wor 'ungry-loike!
Wenslydale: Ah, hungry!
Customer: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little fermented curd will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!
Wenslydale: Come again?
Customer: I want to buy some cheese.
Wenslydale: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player!
Customer: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!
Wenslydale: Sorry?
Customer: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!
Wenslydale: So he can go on playing, can he?
Customer: Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man.
Wenslydale: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?
Customer: Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester.
Wenslydale: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir.
Customer: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?
Wenslydale: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.
Customer: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.
Wenslydale: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.
Customer: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Paese?
Wenslydale: Sorry, sir.
Customer: Red Windsor?
Wenslydale: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
Customer: Ah. Stilton?
Wenslydale: Sorry.
Customer: Ementhal? Gruyere?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance.
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Lipta?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Lancashire?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: White Stilton?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Danish Brew?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Double Goucester?
Wenslydale: (pause) No.
Customer: Cheshire?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Dorset Bluveny?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Camenbert, perhaps?
Wenslydale: Ah! We have Camenbert, yessir.
Customer: (suprised) You do! Excellent.
Wenslydale: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny...
Customer: Oh, I like it runny.
Wenslydale: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.
Customer: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah!
Wenslydale: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.
Customer: I don't care how ****ing runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.
Wenslydale: Oooooooooohhh........!
Customer: What now?
Wenslydale: The cat's eaten it.
Customer: (pause) Has he.
Wenslydale: She, sir.
(pause)
Customer: Gouda?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Edam?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Case Ness?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Smoked Austrian?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Japanese Sage Darby?
Wenslydale: No, sir.
Customer: You...do *have* some cheese, don't you?
Wenslydale: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got--
Customer: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
Wenslydale: Fair enough.
Customer: Uuuuuh, Wensleydale.
Wenslydale: Yes?
Customer: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!
Wenslydale: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Wensleydale, that's my name.
(pause)
Customer: Greek Feta?
Wenslydale: Uh, not as such.
Customer: Uuh, Gorgonzola?
Wenslydale: no
Customer: Parmesan,
Wenslydale: no
Customer: Mozarella,
Wenslydale: no
Customer: Paper Cramer,
Wenslydale: no
Customer: Danish Bimbo,
Wenslydale: no
Customer: Czech sheep's milk,
Wenslydale: no

 

How to Irritate People has half the Pythons in it (along with Tim Brooke Taylor) so I'd count it.

Welcome to the middle of the film.

 

One of my favourites: RAF Banter

A squadron leader, just off on a mission, runs past, and dashes into a Nissen hut
CAPTION: Somewhere in England, 1944
The squadron leader enters an RAF officers' mess and takes off his helmet

Bovril (Terry J.): Morning, squadron leader.

Squadron Leader (Eric): What-ho, Squiffy.

Bovril: How was it?

Squadron Leader: Top hole. Bally Jerry pranged his kite right in the how's your father. Hairy blighter, dicky-birdied, feathered back on his Sammy, took a waspy,
flipped over on his Betty Harper's and caught his can in the Bertie.

Bovril: Er, I'm afraid I don't quite follow you, squadron leader.

Squadron Leader: It's perfectly ordinary banter, Squiffy. Bally Jerry ... pranged his kite right in the how's yer father ... hairy blighter, dicky-birdied, feathered back
on his Sammy, took a waspy, flipped over on his Betty Harper's and caught his
can in the Bertie.

Bovril: No, I'm just not understanding banter at all well today. Give us it slower.

Squadron Leader: Banter's not the same if you say it slower, Squiffy.

Bovril: Hold on, then. (shouts) Wingco!

Wingco (Graham): Yes!

Bovril: Bend an ear to the squadron leader's banter for a sec, would you?

Wingco: Can do.

Bovril: Jolly good.

Wingco: Fire away.

Squadron Leaderdraws a deep breath and looks slightly uncertain, then starts even
more deliberately then before) Bally Jerry ... pranged his kite ... right
in the how's your father ... hairy blighter ... dicky-birdied ... ... feathered
back on his Sammy ... took a waspy ... flipped over on his Betty Harper's ...
and caught his can in the Bertie.

Wingco:... No, don't understand that banter at all.

Squadron Leader: Something up with my banter, chaps?

A siren goes. The door bursts open and an out-of-breath young pilot
rushes in in his flying gear.
Pilot (Michael): Bunch of monkeys on your ceiling, sir! Grab your egg and fours and let's get the bacon delivered.

General incomprehension. They look at each other
Wingco: Do you understand that?

Squadron Leader: No, didn't get a word of it.

Wingco: Sorry old man, we don't understand your banter.

Pilot: You know ... bally ten-penny ones dropping in the custard ...
(searching for the words) um ... Charlie Choppers chucking a handful ...

Wingco: No, no ... sorry.

Bovril: Say it a bit slower, old chap.

Pilot: Slower banter, sir?

Wingco: Ra-ther!

Pilot: Um ... sausage squad up the blue end!

Squadron Leader: No, still don't get it.

Pilot: Um ... cabbage crates coming over the briny?

Squadron Leader: No.

Wingco, Pilot and Bovril:No, no ...

Stock film of a German bombing raid.
Voice Over (Michael): But by then it was too late. The first cabbage crates hit London by July 7th. That was just the beginning...

 

And how did no one, in your entire country, post this one:

Gudday, Bruce!
Oh, Hello Bruce!
How are you Bruce?
A bit crooked, Bruce.
Where's Bruce?
He's not 'ere, Bruce.
Blimey, it's hot in here, Bruce.
Hot enough to boil a monkey's bum!
That's a strange expression, Bruce.
Well Bruce, I heard the Prime Minister use it. "It's hot enough to boil a monkey's bum in here, your Majesty," he said and she smiled quietly to herself.
She's a good Sheila Bruce, and not at all stuck up.
Here! Here's the boss-fellow now!
'Ow are you, Bruce?
Gudday Bruce!
Bruce.
Hello Bruce.
Bruce.
How are you, Bruce?
Gudday Bruce.
Gentleman, I'd like to introduce man from Pommeyland who is joinin' us this year in the philosophy department at the University of Walamaloo.
(Everyone) Gudday!
Hello.
Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce.
Is your name not Bruce?
No, it's Michael.
That's going to cause a little confusion.
Mind if we call you "Bruce" to keep it clear?
Gentlemen, I think we better start the faculty meeting. Before we start, though, I'd like to ask the padre for a prayer.
Oh Lord, we beseech Thee, Amen!!
Amen!
Crack two! (Bottles opening)
Now I call upon Bruce to officially welcome Mr. Baldwin to the philosophy faculty.
I'd like to welcome the pommey bastard to God's own Earth, and remind him that we like stuck-up sticky-bates here.
(Everyone) Hear, hear! Well spoken, Bruce!
Bruce here teaches classical philosophy, Bruce there teaches Haegelian philosophy, and Bruce here teaches logical positivism. And is also in charge of the sheep dip.
What's New-Bruce going to teach?
New Bruce will be teaching political science, Machiavelli, Benton, Lockholm, Sackly, Millbo, Hasset, and Bernerd.
Those are all cricketers!
Aww, spit!
Hails of derisive laughter, Bruce!
(Everyone) Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you amen!
Another two! (Bottles opening)
Any questions?
New-Bruce, are you a Poofter?
Are you a Poofter?
No!
No. Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules:
Rule One! (Everyone) No Poofters!
Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos in any way at all -- if there's anybody watching.
Rule Three? (Everyone) No Poofters!!
Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not drinking.
Rule Five, (Everyone) No Poofters!
Rule Six, there is NO ... Rule Six.
Rule Seven, (Everyone) No Poofters!!
Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce.
This here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a bottle, you can hold it in your hand.
Amen!

<And now all four Bruces launch into the Philosopher's song>

Immanuel Kant was a real piss-ant who was very rarely stable.
Heideggar, Heideggar was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table.
David Hume could out-consume Schoppenhauer and Hegel.
And Whittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as sloshed as Schlegel.

There's nothing Nieizsche couldn't teach 'ya 'bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed.

John Stewart Mill, of his own free will
Half a pint of shanty was particularly ill.
Plato they say could stick it away,
Half a crate of whiskey every day.

Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
And Hoppes was fond of his Dram.
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart.
"I drink, therefore I am."

Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed;
A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's pissed.

 

Cos we prefer the Hollywood Bowl version which has the "love in a canoe" joke in it, not fit for the younger people here

 

Half a bee
Philisophically
Must ipso-facto half not-be.
But half the bee
Has got to be
A visa-vi
It's entity
D'you see?

But can a bee
Be said to be
Or not to be
An entire bee
When half the bee
Is not a bee
Due to some Ancient injury.

 

I like Chinese! They come right up to your knees!

 

Yet they're always friendly and they're ready to please ...

 

I command the foul demons in posession of this thread to come OUT! (Oooh, look, it's my former self! Hi former self!)

"No one ... is to stone anyone, until I blow this whistle. Even - and I'll make this absolutely clear - even if they do say Jehovah!"

 

As the horrendous black beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur and his knights seemed hopeless. When suddenly, the animator suffered a fatal heart-attack. The cartoon peril was no more

 

Right now I can't be bothered finding a sketch so i'll say just go to this place Monty Python site

 

"Dear sir, when I was a boy I was beaten regularly every thirty minutes. It didn't do me a bit of harm except for major psychological damage and blurred vision"

 

awwwwooohhhhhh to be spat at in the face

come back ere ill bite your ankles off

hes a wobber
and a wapist
and a pickpocket
dont over do it!

we the knights who were formally the knights that say ni command you to chop down the mightiest tree in the forest with a herring!

 

immmmmm a lumberjack and im okay i sleep all night and i work all day

 

I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra

I wish i'd been a girlie, just like my dear PapA!

 

DINSDALE!!!

 

no one expects the spanish inqusition