Niagara, ON More Jokes...

Newfoundland medical dictionary:


Anally ~ Occurring yearly
Artery ~ Study of paintings
Bacteria ~ Back door to the cafeteria
Bowel ~ Letters like A.E.I.O.U.
Caesarian section ~ A district in rome
Catarrh ~ Stringed instrument
Cat scan ~ Searching for kitty
Cauterize ~ Make eye contact with "her"
Colic ~ A sheep dog
Congenital ~ Friendly
D&C ~ Where Washington is
Diarrhee ~ Journal of dailt events
Dilate ~ To live long
Fnema ~ Not a friend
Fester ~ Quicker
Fibula ~ Small lie
Genital ~ Non-jewish
G.I.Series ~ Soldiers ball game
Grippe ~ Suitcase
Hangnail ~ Coat hook
High colonie ~ Jewish religious holiday
Impotent ~ Distinguished; well known
Medical staff ~ Doctor's cane
Morbid ~ Higher offer
Nitrate ~ Cheaper than day rate
Node ~ Was aware of
Outpatient ~ Person who has fainted
Pap smear ~ Fatherhood test
Pelvis ~ Cousin to Elvis
Post operative ~ Letter carrier
Prostate ~ Flat on your back
Protein ~ Favoring young people
Recovering room ~ Place to do upholstery
Rectum ~ Nearly killer 'em
Rheumatic ~ Amorous
Scar ~ Rolled tobacco loaf
Secretion ~ Hiding anything
Seizure ~ Roman emperior
Serology ~ Study of knighthood
Tablet ~ Small table
Terminal illness ~ Sickness at the airport
Tibia ~ Country in North Africa
Tumor ~ An extra pair
Urine ~ Opposite of you're out
Varicose ~ Located near by
Vain ~ Conceited

 

LOL!!!!

 

HAHAHA HEHEHE!!!!!!!!!
(actually, I didn't get some of them, but that's ok). lol

 

Ways to Turn Men Down

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

 

SECRETS OF A HAPPY MARRIAGE

(Personal note:...I love you Deb!!!)

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last: Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesday's, I go Fridays.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, an electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!". So I bought her an electric chair.

Remember.... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"....I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? 'Cause they want to'

 

(Personal note:...I love you Deb!!!)

That's the funniest part,

 

ok, here are some male bashing jokes I got in an email.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.

What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
Straight through the rib cage.

Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.

Why did God create man before woman?
Because you need a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.

Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.

Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every
need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one
need.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder to "Instruction Manuals".

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What did God say after creating man?
"I can do better."

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

What do you have when you have two little
balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.

Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first name basis with the one who makes their decisions.

How many men does it take to screw in a
light bulb?

a) One. Men will screw anything.
b) One. Men will screw up anything.
c) Five. One to do the screwing, and four
to listen to him brag about it.
d) One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.


What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half-hour of begging.

How many men does it take to change the toilet paper roll?
Nobody knows - it's never happened.

Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the **** out of you.

Why do men have holes at the end of their
penises?
So oxygen can get to their brains.

What do an anniversary, a toilet, and a
clitoris have in common?
Men always miss them.

Why do women fake orgasm?
Because men fake foreplay.

What does a man call true love?
An erection.

Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40
years?
He wouldn't ask for directions.

Why do men need instant re-plays on TV
sports?
They forgot what happened 30 seconds ago.

Where can you find a man who is truly
committed?
In a mental hospital.

How do we know men invented maps?
Who else would make an inch into a mile?

Why did God create man?
Because vibrators can't ask you to dance or buy you a drink.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was damned near impossible.

 

lol!! Mallory, the vibrator one takes the cake!

 

WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL?
Dam.

WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE?
Polaroids.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
A stick

WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?
Nacho cheese

WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
Subordinate Clauses.

WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
Spoiled milk

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?
Frostbite.

WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
A nervous wreck

WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
Because they have big fingers

WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog

WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?
Sanka.

WHY DOES A PILGRIMS PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
Because they wear their belt buckles on their hat.

 

Deb... some of those were groaners..... lol!

Shaden

 

Stef's right (plus I've heard a couple of them before).