Story [Multi-Fandom] Salacious' Drabbles (12/31: "Supplemental Interpersonal Relations" (Community))

Thanks.

Title: Rite of Spraying
Fandom: 30 Rock


Pete stopped outside Jenna's dressing room when he heard Kenneth say, "I don't think this is such a good idea, Miss Maroney."

He opened the door. "What isn't?"

"Those protesters got so much sympathy when that cop pepper sprayed them," Jenna explained. "I want some of that."

"You realize that pepper spray is extremely painful, right?" Pete asked.

Jenna rolled her eyes. "I'm not stupid. That's why I want Kenneth to spray me, so I can build a tolerance."

"Where'd you get pepper spray?"

"It's actually breath spray," Kenneth said. "See?"

He sprayed some toward Pete, who collapsed, screaming, "Cinnamon!"

Title: The Shambling Dead
Fandom: Seinfeld


Jerry stared out the window, watching the crowds in the street below. "Is that really walking, though?" he asked. "It's more of a shambling. Or maybe a shuffling."

Across the room, George searched through cabinets. "Don't you have anything besides cereal?"

"Check the fridge," Jerry said without turning around. "Hey, it's Bania!"

The door opened, and Kramer burst into the room. "Jerry! Have you seen what's going on outside?"

Jerry slowly turned from the window. "What do you think?"

"I'm going down for a closer look."

"You'll be torn apart!" George yelled.

"Nah, I can pass."

Jerry shrugged. "Have fun!"

Title: Dishonor the Mayo
Fandom: The Guild


"Vork, dude," Zaboo said, "I got bad news for ya. I think your mayo's gone bad."

Vork sighed loudly. "Just cut out the furry bits and stir the rest vigorously."

"Um, yeah, I tried cutting the mold out like you told me."

"And?" Vork yelled.

"It took the knife and won't give it back to me," Zaboo explained. "Now whenever I try to get near the jar, it waves the knife menacingly and shouts really mean things about my mother."

"That doesn't make any sense," Vork said. "When would the mayo have ever met your mother?"

"I know, right? Conundrum'd."

Title: Awaiting an Audience
Fandom: Law & Order


Serena found Jack sitting quietly in Arthur's conference room and took a seat beside him. "Been waiting long?" she asked. He didn't respond; after a few seconds, she leaned closer and realized he was asleep. "Guess that answers that."

A few minutes later, she heard Arthur yelling from inside his private office: "I will not be intimidated!" She glanced over at Jack, but he still slept.

She heard nothing more until the inner door opened. Jack woke up instantly, and they both stood. "Sorry about that," Arthur said. "On the phone with the grandkids. Always some school fundraiser or another."

Cool one from Law and Order. Poor McCoy has to grab a nap whenever he can LOL

Thanks.

Title: All My Lives
Fandom: Pushing Daisies / Doctor Who


The piemaker didn't always understand the strange events that transpired around him, and one such was about to happen.

"Excuse me," Ned said as he bumped into a young man outside the Pie Hole. The man gasped and clutched his bow tie. He also transformed, first becoming a taller, thinner man, then a third, and a fourth. The cycle continued, and heights, weights, and ages became more varied until Ned faced an elderly man with gray hair.

Shocked, the old man reached out for Ned, and the cycle reversed. When it ended, the original young man grinned. "I smell pie."

I wrote this last Friday after attending a panel with Felicia Day and Sandeep Parikh. You can blame him for introducing the audience to a new term for something most had never thought of.


Title: Coming Out on Top
Fandom: The Guild
Rating: PG


Dena entered the bathroom to find one of her brother's gamer buddies sitting on the open toilet tank, his pants around his ankles and a towel covering his lap.

"Let me guess," she said. "You're the one Simon top shelved last week."

"And now I'm getting him back. Retribution'd."

"Did it occur to you that he shares this bathroom?" she asked.

"It did not. I kinda missed that second door thing, too," he admitted.

"I'm going to step out and give you a couple minutes to clean up your mess."

"I can't actually get up," he said, chuckling nervously. "Stuck'd."

Wow. Your Pushing Daisies Crossover was brilliant. Seriously a stroke of genius!

Phenominal mixture of two of my favorite shows!

Thank you.


Title: Maced
Fandom: Warehouse 13


"Don't worry, I got this." Pete spit into his palms and picked up the mace. He swung it a couple times to get feel for its weight and balance, then slammed it hard into the face of the monolith.

"Wait! Don't!" Myka yelled, just a second too late.

And nothing happened.

"I don't get it," he said. "This baby should be crum-um-umbling to du-du-du-"

The monolith still hadn't moved, but Pete was vibrating so violently that the pavement under his feet had cracked.

"That thing," Myka explained, "is immune to all damage, even from an artifact."

"N-n-n-n-now sh-sh-sh-sh-she t-t-t-t-tells m-m-m-m-me."

Title: Hit Your Marx
Fandom: Mystery Science Theater 3000


"'If that's too soon,'" Tom quoted, the eyebrows on his plastic spectacles wagging, "'you can leave in a minute and a huff.'"

Crow laughed. "My turn! My turn!"

They were interrupted by Joel entering the room. "So that's where my Groucho glasses went," he said. He reached out and plucked the specs from Tom's head.

"My face!" Tom screamed. "He's stolen my precious face!" He spun around, waving his tiny arms. "I'm blind! I'm blind!"

"Relax," Joel said. "You're not blind."

"Joel? Is that you? Come closer so I can feel you."

"Uh, Tom," Crow wondered, "how do you see?"

Title: Known Unknown
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Seventh


The Doctor rested his chin on his umbrella handle and glowered into the distance. When Ace sat beside him and put her arm around his shoulders, he didn't move, though he did smile for half a second. "Ace, have you ever felt like everyone around you knew something you didn't?"

She laughed. "Only every moment of my life since I met you, Professor."

This time he did turn to her and smile.

"Besides," Ace added, "you're a time traveller. Winston Churchill and the others are probably just remembering meeting your future self."

"Not too far in the future, I hope."

Enjoyed the warm banter between Ace and the Doctor.

Thanks.

Title: Northern Overexposure
Fandom: Castle / The Red Green Show


Rick didn't look up as another copy of Naked Heat was placed in front of him. "Who do I make this out to?" he asked.

A gravelly voice said, "Harold. That's my nephew. He's the one who's really into this kind of thing."

Rick grinned. "Oh, so he's a fan of mysteries?"

"Books."

Rick looked up and saw a man with a graying beard, a flannel shirt, and mismatched suspenders. "You're not much of a reader?"

"Don't get me wrong. I like books. But the paper should be soft and absorbent."

Castle kept grinning even as he mentally cursed Canada.

Thanks.

Title: The Orchid Fan
Fandom: Doctor Who / Nero Wolfe


Jamie didn't understand much of what the Doctor said at the best of times; right now, though, he suspected that most of the words he and the large man were using were being invented on the spot.

"Do ye ken what they're saying?" he whispered to the man beside him.

From the other side of the greenhouse, the large man said, "Confound it! Theodore, take Mr McCrimmon downstairs and see if Archie can keep him entertained." Without waiting, he turned back to the Doctor. "It hasn't flowered yet, but I do have a very promising Phalaenopsis pulcherrima you should see."

Oh what a convuolunted tangle Dr. Who and Nero Wolfe

Thanks.

Title: I Believe
Fandom: Castle / Doctor Who


"With all due respect, sir," Detective Beckett snapped, "this is the kind of nonsense I'd expect from Castle. You're the last person I thought would believe in little green men from Mars."

Captain Gates scowled. "I never said anything about them being little, green, or from Mars. And generalizing all aliens like that strikes me as more than a bit racist."

Beckett muttered a confused apology.

"Now all I'm telling you is that if -- and I do mean if -- your case really has taken a turn for the extraterrestrial, calling UNIT in wouldn't be the worst idea in the world."

Title: Sleight of Paw
Fandom: Night Court / Manimal


"Fifty dollars and time served," Harry said, banging his gavel. "What's next, Mac?"

Mac glanced down at his clipboard. "Jonathan Chase, illegal possession of exotic animals."

Bull escorted a man in a tailored suit into the courtroom. "I can assure you," the man said, "that this was a simple misunderstanding."

"Neighbors reported hearing a tiger," Christine explained, "but Animal Control didn't find anything."

Harry shrugged. "Then case dismissed."

"Thank you, Your Honor," Chase said. "And it wasn't a tiger." He made a small bow, transformed into a panther, and ran back out of the room.

"Mac, call the next case."

Title: Mike's Proposal
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Third


The Doctor rubbed his neck as he considered the question. "I'm honoured that you would ask, Captain Yates, but why me?"

"Well, you weren't my first choice for best man," Mike admitted, "but Sergeant Benton was busy, as were the Brigadier, Miss Grant, the boys down in the motor pool, Lieutenant-"

"I understand," the Doctor interrupted. "This has all been rather sudden; you've only known Sgleerna for nine days."

"What's nine days when you're in love?"

The Doctor asked, "And you're not bothered by her ovipositor?"

"I'm sorry, her what?" Mike's face turned red. "She told me she was Belgian!"

Title: Chuck vs. the Tower of Babel
Fandom: Chuck


"So, uh, that Intersect thing," Morgan asked, "lets you speak any language at all?"

Chuck shrugged. "Seems to. I mean I don't know if every language in the world's in there, but a lot of them, yeah."

"Okay, say something in Portuguese."

Chuck flashed and said, "That's too easy. Try a harder one," in perfect Portuguese. Morgan looked confused, so Chuck repeated in English.

"Chinese," Morgan said.

"Mandarin?"

"Cantonese."

Again, Chuck flashed and spoke it fluently.

"Okay," Morgan challenged, "Klingon."

"Come on. You and I both know I don't nee-" Chuck gasped as he flashed. "Wow, that really is thorough."

Title: Mogwai Anxiety
Fandom: Doctor Who / Gremlins
Doctor: Sixth


Evelyn peered deeper into the shadows. After a moment, she spotted the creature she'd seen scurrying earlier; it was peering right back at her with wide, black eyes. "Aren't you a cute little thing?" she cooed.

The Doctor pulled her back. "Evelyn, don't go near that thing."

"Why? Is it dangerous?" she wondered.

"Extremely," he said. "Mogwai are cunning and devious little monsters, and that's before the metamorphosis."

"Metamorphosis?"

"Evelyn, if there's only one in here, where are all the others?" He scowled. "You did remember to lock the TARDIS, didn't you?"

"Me?" she asked. "I thought you locked it."

Oh-ho!!!

Thanks. I wrote this one on Halloween.


Title: Thief of Dreams
Fandom: Inception / A Nightmare on Elm Street


Steam hissed from pipes, and fluorescent lights flickered. Cobb asked, "Why'd you change the pattern?"

Gibbs shook his head. "This isn't mine, I swear. It must be Caitlyn's mind asserting itself."

"She's a teenage girl."

"Well," Gibbs said, "I don't know what to tell you. I didn't-"

Blades protruded from Gibbs' chest. After a moment, the body slid to the floor and lay there.

A man with a hideous sweater and more hideous scarring stepped over the corpse and waggled his bladed glove at Cobb. "It's not often I get uninvited guests in my realm. This is gonna be fun."

Title: When Spencer Calls
Fandom: Psych


Gus sighed and picked up the phone. "Shawn, I can't talk long. Room service will be here any moment with my mac and cheese."

"Room service? Why aren't you downstairs hitting the casino?"

"I'm in Omaha, not Vegas," Gus said. "Why'd you call?"

"Where's that canned pineapple you bought last week?" Shawn asked.

"Isn't it still in the fridge?" Gus heard a knock at the door.

"Beats me," Shawn said. "I'm nowhere near the fridge."

Gus opened the door; Shawn stood there, eating his macaroni and cheese. "You're right, this is good. But you lied about the casino. Let's go."

Title: The Dreaded Droobs
Fandom: How I Met Your Mother


"What's the matter with him?" Robin asked as she slid into the booth. Everyone greeted her except Barney, who shivered and muttered silently.

"Some woman in his building has been going out topless," Ted explained.

"Is that even legal?"

Lily grinned. "Oh yeah! Trust me."

"But why would it traumatize Barney of all people?" Robin wondered.

"Because," Barney wailed, "Mrs. Schneiderman's like eighty! Her boobs drooped past her navel!"

Marshall shuddered. "Droobs."

"They can put a man off breasts forever," Ted added.

"Really? That can happen?" Barney asked. "Quick, Robin, show me your boobs! I have to know! Show me!"