Discussion in 'Non Star Wars Fan Fiction' started by Salacious_Drabb, Jan 25, 2010.
I guess that's one way to test it.
Title: An Eye for Fashion
Fandom: Columbo / Wonder Woman (TV)
"Thank you for your time, ma'am," Lt. Columbo said as he started to leave the room. He took a few steps and turned around. "On second thought, ah, do you mind if I ask just one more question?"
"Not at all."
"Well," he said, "it's just that you're wearing a very nice outfit there, and I was thinking I could get something like that for the Mrs. Would you mind, uh, modeling it for me, maybe twirling in place a bit so I could get a better look?"
"I don't think," Diana Prince said, "that would be a good idea."
Title: No Larger than a Snowflake
Fandom: Doctor Who
"I will bring this world to its knees," the Master boasted, "thanks to a resonating crystal no larger than a snowflake!"
The Doctor leaned forward and peered into the array. "Fascinating." Suddenly, he reached inside and grabbed the crystal. By the time the Master and his henchmen reacted, he'd smashed through the sliding glass doors and was leaping from the chalet's balcony.
A bullet caught him in the shoulder, and he fell to the snowy ground below. Minutes later, the Master's henchmen had dragged him back inside. "Where," the Master demanded, "is my crystal?"
"I dropped it outside, I'm afraid."
I wrote this one last Friday. I'm not sure what inspired me.
Fandom: Doctor Who
"What are you chuckling about now?" Amy asked.
The Doctor turned the monitor so she could read it; according to the display, they had landed in London - no shock there - and it was 11 January, 1111 outside. "That's based on the local calendar, of course," he explained.
"Cute," she said. "It's too bad we didn't land in November."
"On the contrary, in this century, England begins its years in March, so January is the eleventh month." He grinned.
"Doctor, is there some significance to all these elevens?"
"No!" he snapped. "Not as such, no. I like the number is all."
Title: Twisting the Lime
Fandom: The Third Man / Freakazoid!
Harry leaned back in an archway, trying to catch his breath. He was sure that the searchers hadn't yet reached this area of the sewers, but they would soon, and he needed to keep moving.
Harry leaped. A man with blue skin and red pajamas stood beside him. "Excuse me," the man repeated, "what do they call poo gas here?"
"I'm a bit busy," Harry said. They were getting closer.
"Are you running from the cops?" the man asked, then yelled, "Don't worry! I won't give you away!"
Harry hissed, "It's poopenschtinken! Are you happy now?"
Title: An Island in Time
Fandom: Doctor Who / Gilligan's Island
"You realise, of course," the Doctor said, "that your power system is inherently unstable."
"It's been working just fine for years," the Skipper said.
The Professor examined the Doctor's notes. "No, he's right, Skipper. How did I never see this before?"
"What's the matter?" Mary Anne asked.
"On a small scale like here, nothing," the Professor explained, "but if we tried to power New York with coconuts, kaboom."
"Kaboom?" Mr. Howell yelled. "This was our big plan for after we got back!"
"Guys," Gilligan wondered, "where's the Doctor?"
* * *
"Why aren't we helping them leave?" Jamie asked.
"The world's not ready."
Title: Lt. Disher and the Great Detective
"Doctor Bell, just the man I was looking for!"
"Captain Stottlemeyer, how is Adrian?" Dr. Bell asked. "Is something the matter?"
"Not with Monk, no. I'm here about Randy, uh, Lieutenant Disher," Stottlemeyer said.
Dr. Bell nodded. "I remember him."
"He hit his head, and now he thinks he's Sherlock Holmes."
"That sounds serious," Dr. Bell agreed. "I'm glad you came to me right away."
The captain looked away and muttered quietly.
"Just how long ago did this happen?" Dr. Bell asked.
"It's just his arrest record these last two months has been so strong."
Dr. Bell yelled, "Two months?"
Title: Sound of His Voice
Fandom: Babylon 5
Michael was making his way through the Zocalo when he heard a familiar voice behind him yell, "Mr. Garibaldi!"
"Look, Londo," he said as he turned around. "I'm kinda busy right- Vir? Where's Londo?"
"In meetings," Vir said. "I'm afraid it was me you heard. I've been practicing Ambassador Mollari's voice, and your name helps me get into character."
"Do I even want to know why?"
"I often have to answer the ambassador's correspondence for him," Vir explained, "and sometimes that means pretending to be him."
"And Londo's okay with that?" Michael asked.
"Are you kidding? It was his idea."
Title: Power Coupling
Fandom: Get Smart
"Hold on, Larabee," the Chief said as he answered his phone. "Max, I thought I- You're where? I see." He hung up and turned back toward Larabee. "Max and 99 are trapped in the elevator. He had to call us on his shoe phone."
"How'd that happen?" Larabee asked.
The office lights flickered and dimmed. "I'll give you three guesses."
Larabee considered. "Does it involve badgers?"
* * *
The Chief pounded on the lab door. "Hymie, open up now!"
From inside, Hymie said, "I can't do that. We're not decent."
"What did I say about plugging in your girlfriend during business hours?"
Title: The Long Walk
Fandom: Doctor Who
Romana watched from the promontory's edge as the Voord ship sank into the roiling mud below. And then, it was gone, only a few final bubbles breaching the surface.
She turned to speak to the Doctor, but he was already walking back. She ran to catch up, but paused when she realised the direction he was going.
"You're not returning to the village?" she asked.
"You know I'm not one for long goodbyes."
"Yes," she admitted, "but then we could get a carriage and save ourselves hours of walking."
He nodded. "Romana, I think we should stop by the village."
Title: KITT Bashed
Fandom: Knight Rider
Devin stood up as Michael entered the office. "I'm so glad you're all right."
"How's KITT doing?" Michael asked.
"His CPU is unharmed," Devin explained. "Once the automobile is repaired and a new bonded shell applied, he can be reinstalled good as new."
"Bonnie says a month, maybe more," Devin said.
"Does this mean KITT and I are grounded in the meantime?"
"There is an alternative, but you may not like it. KITT certainly won't. When we were testing the shell, we used, well, used cars. The first successful test-"
Michael sighed. "What was it?"
"An AMC Gremlin."
I think Michael and KITT would prefer to remain grounded.
Title: Out of the Glacier
Fandom: Doctor Who
A chill evening wind swept over the smooth, undisturbed face of the glacier. And then a claw burst up through the ice.
Moments later, Slaam and his warriors had pulled themselves up onto the surface. Their climb through the ice after they'd awakened from their long stasis had been arduous, but now they were free to begin anew their conquest of this planet.
"We must ascertain the natives' level of development," Slaam said, "and how much resistance we may face."
"None, my lord." A warrior handed him a pad.
"We're the only living things on this entire planet?" Slaam screamed.
Can ya guess what day I wrote this one?
Title: Turkey Time
Fandom: Doctor Who
The Doctor turned slowly away from the console. "Peri, you do know, I trust," he said, "that Thanksgiving is strictly an American holiday."
"I'm not stupid, Doctor," Peri replied. "But you do know, I trust, that I am an American, so why shouldn't I want to celebrate my holiday?"
"I'm sorry. What did you have in mind? A quick jaunt to 1621?"
Peri shook her head. "I just want some turkey."
He grinned. "I know just the place."
* * *
Peri stepped out of the TARDIS and took in her surroundings: a bustling city of giant, sentient turkeys. "Ha, very funny, Doctor."
One of these is a fandom I've never written before.
Title: More Power
Fandom: Home Improvement / Transformers
"Of course, what this new power mower needs," Tim said, "is..."
The audience joined him in yelling, "More power!"
"And it just so happens that I have a new source of unbelievable amounts of raw power." Tim opened a case and pulled out a glowing blue cube. "Ever seen on of these before, Al?"
"I can't say as I have, Tim."
Unnoticed, an electric drill on the bench behind them transformed into a small robot. It leaped onto Tim's back and scrambled over him to claw its way to the cube. "Foolish humans!" it yelled. "This energon belongs to Megatron!"
Apparently, I wrote this one a month ago and forgot to post it. Oops.
Title: Drinking to Forget
Fandom: Doctor Who
The bartender poured Mickey yet another shot. He sighed and downed it. "Another."
"Want to talk about it?" she asked.
He glared up at her for a second, then shrugged. "Wife left me four months ago for some guy from her old outfit. Now she's back with UNIT, and I just found out she was engaged to that jerk even before the divorce was final."
"Brutal. How'd you only find that out now?"
The man on the next stool said, "I'm the jerk. Two more shots, please."
"She dump you too?" the bartender asked.
He nodded. "For a bloody Sontaran!"
Title: Hole in the Head
Simon grinned as Jayne staggered up the ramp into the ship, clutching his head. "Drinking or fighting?"
"Not sure," Jayne muttered. "Both, I hope."
River said, "There is a hole in your mind."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Jayne demanded.
"Your mind," she repeated, "has a hole in it."
"Doc, what does she mean? You know I hate when your sister gets all creepy like that."
Simon shrugged. "River, stop scaring Jayne."
"But he does."
Jayne saw Mal coming down from the bridge and asked, "Cap, do you think I have a hole in my mind?"
Mal pondered. "Hole, singular?"
Title: Be Prepared
Fandom: Blake's 7
"Man, I'm freezing out here," Vila moaned. His breath hovered in the air several seconds before dissipating.
Avon said, "You should have thought of that before you let yourself be teleported outside without a thermal suit."
"Let myself? I was in bed! Unlike you, I don't sleep in my thermal suit!"
"Or underwear, apparently," Avon noticed.
"Lots of people sleep in the altogether," Vila said. "There's nothing wrong with that. Not usually, anyway."
"Do these 'lots' of people," Avon asked, "also clutch empty bottles while they sleep?"
"Well," Vila admitted, "it wasn't exactly empty when I first went to bed."
Title: An Honest Job
Bart shrugged as he threw more chips into the pot. "I wouldn't worry," he said. "I've stumbled into more than a few honest days' pay in my time. I just don't try to make a habit of it."
"I did think he was running a con when I signed on," Beau explained, calling the bet. "He had the mad inventor patter down too perfectly to be real."
"Some people really are just what they seem. Who is this guy, anyway?" Bart asked.
Beau slid a business card across the table. "Quentin Q. Quakenbush, but I just call him Q."
Title: The Revelation
"Jerry," George announced, "I have found religion!"
"Are you doing this for a woman again?" Jerry wondered.
"Not this time, my friend! I had a vision! God himself came to me and told me to become his emissary on Earth, spreading his word before the final days!"
Kramer burst into the apartment. "George, there you are! Did you eat those sausages I gave you?" he asked.
George said, "A few. Why?"
"My friend Bob Sacamano had some and started believing he was a giant squirrel."
"You couldn't have told me this," George screamed, "before I gave away half my possessions?"
"Wait until you see this, Kent," Wilbur said as he opened the lead case.
Clark staggered back from the green glow of the rock inside. He could feel his strength draining from his body, making it difficult even to breathe. He fell to the floor, gasping.
"What's wrong?" Wilbur asked. "Is something the matter?"
"Meteor... rock," Clark wheezed. "Allergic."
"But this isn't an actual meteor rock. It's a papier-mache mockup I made for science class. The glow is just a little light bulb I put inside. See? Hold on, this is a real meteor rock. Then where's my fake one?"
I apparently wrote this one back in April, but I saved it to the wrong folder and forgot to ever post it.
Title: Static Cling
They say technology is bringing us all closer together. This is supposed to be a good thing?
Gail poked her head into the office. "You have a call on Line One. I think it might be Charles Gracen," she added uncertainly.
"Put him through." Profit picked up the phone. "Chaz, how are things in Singapore?"
"What?" Charles yelled. "Jim, I'm only hearing static on my end. Speak up!"
"Sorry, sir, I didn't understand any of that through the static. Could you repeat it?"
"Huh? I still can't hear you!" Charles shouted. "Stupid cellular phone. People think these will catch on?"
Title: The Unbelievable Truth
Fandom: Doctor Who
"You don't believe me, do you?" Tegan groused.
"What, that this box is actually a ship that can travel anywhere in time or space," the small man repeated, "and that, despite all appearances, it's also cavernous on the inside?"
Tegan nodded. "Sounds about right."
"But you can't prove this because you're waiting for your friends the Doctor and Nyssa to return with the key?" He flicked off his hat, let it roll down his arm, and reached inside. "Does the key look like this?"
"Who are you?" Tegan wondered.
"If the Doctor asks, you found his spare above the P."
Title: How You Play the Game
Fandom: The Sarah Jane Adventures
Rani found Clyde sitting on the stairs, looking depressed. "Are Sarah Jane and Luke home?" she asked.
"No, it's just me and the computers," he answered, pointing up toward the attic.
"Then why are you down here?"
He said, "I got bored watching them play Monopoly."
"You should've asked to join them," she suggested.
"I did that," he explained, "but they bankrupted me within twenty minutes. They?ve been going after each other for the last three hours. Next game I'll pick something maybe I can win."
"What, like arm wrestling?"
Clyde shook his head. "Nah, I already tried that one."
Title: Do Not Go Gentle
Detective Lassiter slipped a card from the victim's pocket. "'Do not go gentle into that good night,'" he read aloud.
"Rage!" Shawn yelled. "Rage against the dying of the light!"
Juliet said, "Shawn, I didn't know you knew Dylan Thomas."
"Hello? I've seen Back to School like a hundred times."
"The real question," Lassiter interjected, "is why this guy would carry a quote from a dead drunken poet around with him."
Shawn grabbed his head and screamed, "The spirits say the answer is on the other side!" The others looked at him, confused. "Of the card, Lassie. Turn it over."