Story [Multi-Fandom] Salacious' Drabbles (12/31: "Supplemental Interpersonal Relations" (Community))

When Deathly Hallows, Part 2 hit DVD, IO9 posted a quick contest to write an alternate epilogue. I typed up the following and figured I'd repost it here after they announced the winners that Monday (mainly just so I add whether I'd won or lost). More than a month later, still no announcement - I think they've forgotten - so here it is anyway.


Title: Epilogging
Fandom: Harry Potter
Originally Posted: 10 November, 2011


Harry waved his wand, and the debris covering the bench was blasted away. He hadn't come back here, back to Hogwarts, since the day Hermione had died here so many years ago, killed by a man she had once loved. Now the school lay in ruins, abandoned even by its ghosts.

He sat on the bench and wept silently. After all the devastation caused by Voldemort and his Death Eaters, the wizarding world had seemed finally at peace. Who could have known how short it would be, how much more pain and suffering would soon follow when the gingers revolted?

 

Completely unexpected!

 

That was heartbreaking ... until the last line. Then it was funny

 

Thanks, both of you. Sometimes I do wonder if anyone's reading.



Title: Dodo Doo-Doo
Fandom: Men in Black


Agent J grinned. "Was I right or was I right?"

"Yes, you were right," Zed admitted. "The probe's signal does correspond to an extinct Earth species: the dodo."

"And you want K and me to go back in time to get you some dodos?" J asked.

Zed shook his head. "You're doing this one solo. K's on his way to the Natural History Museum to see if the stuffed ones there have enough DNA to clone."

"Makes sense," J said. "It's always a good idea to have a plan B ready."

"Right," Zed agreed. "And if K fails, you're it."

 

Haha! I love MIB.

I usually read (and comment) the fandoms I'm familiar with.

 

Thanks.


Title: Dawn of a New God
Fandom: Ghostbusters


Zheryn slowly rose into the air, his arms spread wide. "Ah, Peter Venkman and his little pals. Do you really think you can stop me?"

"That?s the plan, Stan," Peter said. The Ghostbusters activated their wands and aimed them at the magus now hovering directly over their heads.

"Fools! Bow to your new god!" White crystals lining the walls began to glow, and bright beams shot from them into Zheryn. The Ghostbusters opened fire, but he easily deflected the streams and, with the slightest gesture, sent the men flying backward.

Peter yelled, "I didn't say it was a good plan!"

 

Oh, Pete!

 

Thanks.


Title: Up in the Chair
Fandom: Frasier


Martin shifted uncomfortably in his chair. "Frasier, have you been sitting here?"

"What makes you think," Frasier snapped, "that I would willingly go near that monstrosity?"

"Well, someone's been in it. It doesn't feel right." Martin reached down between the seat and the arm. "Did you have a woman over last night?"

"So what if I did?" Frasier demanded. Martin held up a sapphire bracelet. Frasier hemmed, hawed, and sputtered before yelling, "All right, we had sex in your chair! Are you happy now?"

Martin stumbled to his feet. "I was only going to ask if she sat in it!"

 

Poor Martin

 

Thanks.


Title: The Anticipation Paradox
Fandom: The Big Bang Theory


"That's just stupid," Sheldon chided. "You can't expect the unexpected. By definition, if you expect something, it can't be unexpected. Why do people say these things?"

Leonard composed himself before responding. "The expression just means that no matter how hard you try, you can't plan for everything that might happen, and you need to be ready to deal with complications you hadn't foreseen."

"Again, I say that's just stupid. A proper scientific experiment requires-"

"Life's not a science experiment," Leonard countered. "It's messy and complicated, and you can't control every little thing."

Sheldon winced. "Ain't that the truth," he muttered.

 

at both Martin & Frasier and Sheldon & Leonard.

 

Poor Leonard

 

Oh Sheldon.

 

Thanks, everyone.

Title: Wendy Squared
Fandom: South Park


Wendy stared hard at the older woman. "How do I know you're not just another actress my parents hired to say she's me from the future?"

"Oh, right," the woman moaned. "I'd forgotten they'd done that." She thought for a moment, then leaned forward and whispered into Wendy's ear.

Wendy's eyes widened. "I never told anyone about that! But why are you here?"

"There's something I must make sure you never, ever do."

"I knew it," Wendy scoffed.

"It's not about drugs," her older self said. "When you're older..." She whispered in Wendy's ear again.

"With Cartman?" Wendy screamed. "Twice?"

 

Thanks.


Title: Alternate Hypotheses
Fandom: Eureka


"Fargo, you know there are no such things as demon curses," Allison said. "Whatever's going on, there's a scientific explanation."

"I thought that too, Dr. Blake, but can you think of a better reason?"

Allison frowned. "Just because we don't know what the answer may be doesn't mean that it doesn't exist, just that we haven't found it yet."

"Until we do," Fargo said, "I think we should leave the curse hypothesis on the table."

The office door opened, and Sheriff Carter entered. "Hey, guys, what's going on?"

"We're trying to figure out how Jersey Shore is still so popular."

 

Title: Holmes' Greatest Triumph
Fandom: Sherlock Holmes


Holmes stalked across the room and flopped languidly into his chair. After a long pause, he said, "Watson, I must ask you never to tell the world about the adventure we just had."

"But it was your most brilliant case ever!"

"For once, your cheap hyperbole is not misplaced," Holmes agreed. "I was in rare form, and the issues at the heart of this matter were of greater import than any other in memory. That's precisely why the public must never know of it. Readers are fickle, and your future writings could never compete with the excitement of this one."

 

Both Fargo and Holmes make excellence points

 

Oh, Sherlock

 

Thank you both.


Title: Eric's Christmas Miracle
Fandom: South Park


"It was truly," Cartman concluded, "a Christmas miracle."

Mr. Garrison said, "That was the stupidest bleeping story I've ever heard. You get an F, Eric."

"But Mr. Garrison, this wasn't a graded assignment. You just asked me what I did over the break."

"You get an F anyway," Mr. Garrison decided.

Cartman muttered and swore and whined, "But it was a Christmas miracle!"

"Just because your fart was silent but deadly doesn't mean it was a Christmas miracle!" Kyle snapped.

"Weren't you listening? Nobody knew it was me! They all thought Butters did it!"

Butters moaned, "Boy, did they ever."

 

And he probably killed Kenny.

 

Title: The Stunmaker
Fandom: Doctor Who


The bright white blast from the stun ray threw the Doctor forward, and he crumpled to the ground. "Grandfather!" Susan screamed. She ran over to where he lay and knelt beside him. Once she assured herself he was only unconscious, she turned and glared at the man with the gun. "You didn't have to shoot him!"

"Relax, kid. He ain't dead, just sleeping. I don't want to hurt either one of you, but I can't have you two following me." He fired again, and Susan fell across her grandfather's body. A few seconds later, he strode out of the room.

 

Title: The Uncommon Cold
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Ninth


"Of course I can get sick!" the Doctor grumbled between coughs. He blew his nose and asked, "Why would you think I can't get sick?"

"I just assumed," Rose said, "because you're an alien."

"Well, it's probably an alien virus, so that works out, doesn't it?"

Rose shrugged. "Maybe you wouldn't be sick if you'd worn a heavier coat on that last planet."

"Stupid humans and your stupid superstitions!" the Doctor yelled. "That has nothing to do with catching a virus!"

"Unless," a voice in his head echoed, "it's an intelligent one that specifically chose the prat without a coat."

 

Title: Chronological Hoarder
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Sixth


"Hello, is anyone there?" shouted the Doctor as he manoeuvred through the stacks of film canisters. Some piles were only two or three feet high, while others towered over him. There was no obvious path, and he nearly knocked over some stacks as he tried to squeeze past.

After several minutes, he heard a distant voice yell back, "When are you?"

"Don't you mean where?"

"I mean, what year is on the canisters nearest you?" the voice retorted.

The Doctor glanced at a label. "1934!"

"Wow, how'd you get that far back? Walk toward me! I'll meet you in 2057!"

 

Title: Victim Nuggets
Fandom: Pushing Daisies


Chuck smiled when she saw Ned and Emerson exiting the coroner's office and returning to the car. "So, what'd he say?"

"Nothing," Ned answered. "I never touched him."

"Why not?"

"Ever see Fargo?" Emerson asked.

Chuck gasped. "He was fed through a wood chipper?"

"Or something like it," Ned said. "It could have been a-"

"Lot of things," Emerson interrupted. "What matters is there ain't no amount of mojo in the world that's gonna get that mess of giblets to say anything intelligible."

"So we're back at square one."

"What's this 'we'?" Emerson snapped. "And I never left square one."