Story [Multi-Fandom] Salacious' Drabbles (12/31: "Supplemental Interpersonal Relations" (Community))

Thanks. Sorry for the delay; my life's gone a bit wonky of late. This was another UDC 1 bonus, using the Week 12 theme.


Title: Pros and Retcons
Fandom: Torchwood
Rating: G
Originally Posted: 2 February, 2010
Notes: The challenge theme was "Illusions?"


"A little Retcon and a whole lot of retcon," Tosh said, "and it will be like nothing ever happened."

"Are we getting too casual about this?" Gwen asked.

"About what?"

"Handing out amnesia pills like they're sweets," Gwen said. "Sometimes I think the only thing stopping us from dosing the bay is that we don't have enough."

"That and the psychosis," Owen added, grinning. "Mustn't forget the psychosis."

"Weren't you the one," Tosh asked, "who proposed Retconning everyone into believing you were a rock star?"

"That was only a hypothetical!" Owen insisted.

Tosh laughed. "You showed us the album cover!"

 

Title: Purple Faze
Fandom: Farscape
Originally Posted: 4 February, 2010


"This isn't good," Crichton moaned, staring at his hands. "This can't possibly be a good thing. This can not be good!"

"I'm sure it's not nearly as bad as you think," Zhaan said.

"I agree," D'Argo added. "You're making a big deal over nothing." Rygel snorted derisively.

Crichton rounded on them. "You're not listening to me, people! It's purple! Purple is not normal!"

"That is unpleasant," D'Argo said.

"I'm unfamiliar with humans, but are you sure that is abnormal?" Zhaan asked.

"Yes, I'm sure!" Crichton insisted. "Did you really think purple is the good kind of mucus? 'Cause it's not!"

 

Title: Crack
Fandom: Smallville / Madam Fatal
Originally Posted: 5 February, 2010


Chloe leaned forward as the footage streaming in from Oliver's cell phone played on her monitors. "Who's the Golden Girl?"

"Beats me," Oliver said. "Should I stay here or try to figure out where that Stanton guy went?"

Chloe looked from one screen to another. All showed the little old lady in the alley pounding on three thugs with her cane. "Anything seem odd about her?"

"Aside from the obvious?"

"Zoom in on her," Chloe said. She ran the close-up through the Watchtower's computers, electronically removing the make-up and wig. "That's Stanton!"

"As crimefighting costumes go," Oliver conceded, "it's different."





Okay, some explanation on this one. The two-hour Justice Society episode was the first Smallville I'd seen in almost two seasons. As I watched, I was looking up background info (on the show and the DCU characters appearing), I discovered the Wikipedia entry for a minor hero from the 40s to whom DC own the rights but whom they have never used for some reason. And the idea was born.

 

Title: Cull Waiting
Fandom: World of Warcraft
Originally Posted: 6 February, 2010


"Please!" the peasant begged from behind his upturned table. "Please have mercy on a poor old man!"

Arthas raised his sword. "The only mercy I can grant is a quick death." He kicked out, splintering the table.

"But how do you even know I'm gonna turn?"

"All who touched the infected grain will-"

"There you are then," the peasant interrupted. "Never go near the stuff, me."

Arthas paused. "Really? Then what is that smell?"

"Fresh baked bread. Want some? It's good."

"What," Arthas hissed, "do you think bread is made from?"

"Dunno," the man said. "Me wife does all that."

 

Title: The Freeze
Fandom: Seinfeld
Originally Posted: 7 February, 2010


Jerry and George watched as Kramer slid into the apartment, carefully balancing a bowl in both hands. "What do you have there?" Jerry asked.

"Bob Sacamano's cousin makes his own ice cream. Want some?"

"Nah," Jerry said. "It gives me brain freeze."

"That's a myth," George scoffed. "I've never had it. Not once."

Kramer shrugged and took a bite. Immediately, he dropped the bowl, clutched his head, and fell over backward, screaming the whole time. "Yeah, that's the good stuff," he said from the floor.

"Not once?" Jerry asked.

"Nope," George said. "Never."

"Belly freeze?"

George nodded. "All the time."

 

Title: New Planet Smell
Fandom: Doctor Who
Originally Posted: 8 February, 2010


The Doctor puffed out his chest and inhaled. "Ah, Ace! Get a whiff of that new planet smell!"

"Professor, I think your new planet let one rip."

"Eh?"

"It farted," she explained.

"Oh. Yes, it is a bit heavy with the methane," he conceded. "And sulphur." He wrinkled his nose. "Still, you know what they say: 'Nothing ventured, nothing sprained.'"

"Sometimes I think you do that on purpose to distract me."

"Did it work?" he asked.

"Yeah," she admitted, grinning.

"Good. Now watch your footing. These bogs can be a bit treacheroooooooooous!"

Ace groaned. "Can't take you anywhere, can I?"

 

Title: Out in the Rain
Fandom: 30 Rock
Originally Posted: 11 February, 2010


"I'm not going out there," Liz said, as the rain poured down over Rockefeller Plaza. "No way."

Jack didn't say a word.

"Fine!" She stepped out into the rain and stalked across the plaza. "Tracy! What are you doing? You need to come back inside!"

Tracy sat on the ground, staring at the melted remains of a cake. "I don't think I can take it, Liz Lemon! It took so long to bake it! And I'll never have the recipe again!"

"No, Tracy! You never had the recipe before! You stole it from the commissary! That was for Lutz's birthday!"

 

Title: Vexed Friday
Fandom: Friday the 13th / Animaniacs
Originally Posted: 12 February, 2010


Jason stared silently through the cabin window, watched the three intruders moving about inside. The moment one came close, he burst through, slicing down with his chainsaw.

"Excuse me."

Jason paused, confused. His weapon was chewing into the hardwood floor, but there was no sign of a body. He spun around and saw his target standing behind him, waving.

"Hi, I'm Yakko. That's my brother Wakko, and that's my sister Dot. What's your name?"

Jason pulled the chainsaw from the floor and swung it around, but Yakko was already elsewhere.

"I think," he said, "we found our new special friend."

 

Title: Spectator Sports
Fandom: Doctor Who / Olympic mascots
Originally Posted: 13 February, 2010


Martha carefully balanced the various snack foods and drinks in her arms as she followed the Doctor down through the stands. "I never figured you for an ice hockey fan," she said.

"What? What? I love hockey, me. Besides, it's the Olympics!" He reached the front row of seats and scooted sideways past other spectators.

Martha squeezed along behind him and sat down. Immediately, she sprang back up, sending food flying in every direction. "What is that?" she screamed.

A large rodent in an orange toque muttered angrily in the seat. "It's a marmot!" the Doctor said, grinning. "Hello there!"

 

Title: Twenty-Fowl: Crossing the Line
Fandom: Animaniacs / 24
Originally Posted: 15 February, 2010


"With all due respect," Mason said, "Jack's not too close on this one. I've worked with the man for years; believe me, Jack Booer is not a giant chicken."

"Where is he?" Chappelle asked.

"Interrogating a suspect."

* * *

Jack leaned close. "Bawk!" He slammed the table so hard, his bulletproof vest started to slip.

"I ain't sayin' a word! You can't lay a finger on-"

Jack slapped him. His vest slipped again; he wrenched it off and threw it at the prisoner.

Chappelle burst into the room. "I told you he was a chicken! I want him off this case! Now!"

 

This is a follow-up to the episode "Haven" from the first season, but set years later.



Title: Tie Breaking
Fandom: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Originally Posted: 18 February, 2010


"Hello, Deanna."

Troi sat up and yelled, "Lights!" A man stood at the foot of the bed, but it took her a moment to recognize him. "Wyatt?"

"You remembered."

"But the plague?" she asked.

He shrugged. "Cured it. Now my people need a new home."

"Do your parents know?"

"They never understood," he said, "never forgave. Not really, anyway. Made things so much easier."

"You're scaring me, Wyatt."

"Have to cut all ties to my former life, don't I?" He drew a short blade and stepped up onto the bed. "Shh, Deanna, this is the way it has to be."

 

Title: For Whom the Bells Toll
Fandom: Doctor Who
Originally Posted: 26 February, 2010


"What are you doing, Mel?" the Doctor yelled. "We have to hurry!"

"If you hadn't taken so long earlier, you wouldn't be rushing now!"

"Recriminations aren't going to get us there faster, are they?" In the distance, bells began to ring the Westminster Quarters. "Run!"

"There it is!" The Quarters ended, and the tolling began. With a final effort, they bounded up the porch steps just as the final bell tolled.

"Doctor, did they just ring seven times?" Mel asked, panting.

He stared at her. "Seven?"

The door opened. "Doctor," Evelyn said, "you're early. The festivities don't start until eight."

 

Title: Like Camping
Fandom: How I Met Your Mother
Originally Posted: 6 March, 2010


"Think of it like camping," Marshall suggested.

Ted shrugged. "That's what the landlord said."

"At least it's only for one night," Lily added.

"Okay, seriously, do you two have a psychic link with the landlord or what?"

Lily looked around. "Is Robin here? She's probably enjoying this. A brisk night here's like a summer day in Canada."

"You kidding? The moment they said there'd be no heat, she got a hotel room. I'm all alone."

"Aww," Lily said. "We'd love to have, uh... Marshall'd love to stay with you tonight. Look at the time! I gotta go! Love ya! Bye!"

 

The drabbles are all going to be Doctor Who for a bit; during my time offline for the move, I got into a bit of a comfortable groove.


Title: Icy Ascent
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Seventh
Originally Posted: 11 March, 2010


The Doctor carefully pulled the first pick out of the ice face and swung his arm up to slam it back in a few inches above his head. He eased the second loose and stabbed it in a bit higher still, pulling himself up. Slowly, inexorably, he climbed the sheer cliff, always aware of the prize strapped to his back.

Finally, he pulled himself up over the edge. "Yes, Ace," he hissed, "I concede." He untied and opened the bundle he carried. "Perhaps the TARDIS refrigerated section is just a tad unwieldy," he added, handing her the quart of milk.

 

Today is the thirteenth anniversary of my first-ever drabble. This one's more recent.


Title: Scream and Scream Again
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Sixth
Originally Posted: 11 March, 2010


Peri screamed. She screamed until she could feel her lungs straining, even though nobody could hear her. She screamed until she felt dizzy from the lack of oxygen. In an effort to save itself, her body took over and paused the scream just long enough to take a breath, and then let her start screaming again. Yet, through it all, nobody noticed. Nobody heard, because they were all screaming too.

Almost all. The Doctor - several rows back at Peri's insistence - shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "Why attend a concert," he asked himself, "if you're going to yell over the band?"

 

Title: The Ugly Gallifreyan
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Fourth
Originally Posted: 11 March, 2010


"Why is this moving so slowly?" Romana groused. "If I'd realized it would take so long, I would've insisted on something faster."

"What, a speedboat?" the Doctor asked. "Or would you like to run across the water?"

"May I?"

"No!" He ignored the stares of other passengers. "We mustn't make spectacles of ourselves. Sit down. Enjoy the ferry ride."

Romana flopped into a hard plastic seat and sighed loudly.

"Otherwise," he offered, "you can go stare out the windows."

"I'm not some-"

"Tourist? Yes, you are. Behave or next time I'll lock you in the TARDIS."

Romana brightened. "You promise?"

 

Title: Title: Temperature's Rising
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Second
Originally Posted: 11 March, 2010


In the distance, molten rock geysered high into the red, sulphurous sky before falling back and splattering across the bleak terrain.

Jamie stepped aside as a glob of lava landed near his feet. He wiped the sweat from his brow, but it seemed to do no good. "Doctor, why do ye keep bringing us to such places?"

The Doctor shed another layer of clothing. "It is rather warm," he admitted.

The TARDIS door opened, and Zoe came out. "Brr," she said, rubbing her arms briskly. "Aren't you two cold? It's so chilly out here."

Jamie shook his head. "Och, women."

 

Title: Blind Panic
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: First
Originally Posted: 11 March, 2010


"Grandfather!" Susan screamed. "Grandfather! Where are you?"

The Doctor's voice seemed to come from several yards away. "I'm right here, Susan. There's no need to panic."

"But I can't see you!" Susan cried, panicking. She stumbled toward his voice, tripping over something.

"Hmm. What can you see?"

"Nothing! It's all pitch black!"

"Susan, stay there. I'll come to you," he said. Soon, Susan felt the Doctor's arms around her and his warm breath on her face. "Now, my child, there's something I need you to try."

"What?"

"Susan, open your eyes."

"Oh, Grandfather!" she shouted. "I can see you again!"

 

Title: Long and Winding
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Third
Originally Posted: 11 March, 2010


Jo struggled to keep up with the Doctor's winding anecdote, but so far, he hadn't seemed to notice she'd nearly nodded off. "I regaled the Sibilanian ambassador all evening," he was saying, "with tales of my time on Earth. Her favourite was when I flayed the Brigadier alive and wore his skin as a suit. Jo, are you paying attention?"

Jo gasped and sat up straight. "Yes, Doctor! Sibabibble ambassador, wore the Brigadier's skin, right there with you!"

"Jo, I only said that because you were falling asleep."

"Good," she said.

He added, "Anyway, they tend to be rather itchy."

 

Title: With Compliments
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Ninth
Originally Posted: 11 March, 2010


Jack stared at the viewscreen. "Is that planet toroidal?"

"Looks like," the Doctor said.

"That means it's shaped like a doughnut, right?" Rose asked.

The Doctor grinned. "Exactly. That's my clever girl." He ruffled her hair.

"Why do you never compliment me like that?" Jack asked.

"I like her better."

"Doctor," Jack said. "You could really bruise a guy's ego."

"I should hope so. Bruising egos is on my business card, between saving planets and playing the spoons."

"You play the spoons?" Rose asked.

"Not anymore. I'd get new cards, but there's almost three million of the old ones left."

 

Title: The Mutant Strain
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Eighth
Originally Posted: 13 March, 2010


The Doctor stood alone in the street, weeping. Around him, a city of millions, now all gone. Across the planet, billions dead. All to an organism he'd unwittingly brought to this world. There was nobody else to blame, unless...

* * *

"Are you Brian?"

"Who wants to know?"

The Doctor held up a sealed plastic bag. "Are these your shoes?"

"If Grace let you wear my shoes," Brian said, "you deserved that athlete's foot."

"Really? What about the Paxomni? Did they deserve to die?"

"Huh?"

"You idiot! I'm not fully human! The fungus mutated!"

Brian considered this. "Yeah, I'm calling security now."

 

Title: Millennia in Marble
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Fifth
Originally Posted: 13 March, 2010


Turlough grinned. He looked good in twenty metres of marble. "I don't remember being here before," he said.

"We haven't," the Doctor explained. "It appears, however, that we will eventually, just five thousand years in the past."

"So he gets a statue, and we don't?" Tegan asked.

"We may have. A lot can happen to statues in five millennia."

"Still," Turlough gloated, "it must gall you that I'm the only one remembered."

"I wouldn't say that," the Doctor said. "Read the inscription."

"'Tegan'? 'Tegan'! Her name's on my statue?"

The Doctor nodded. "A lot can happen to other things, too."

 

Title: Memory Fatigue
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Sixth
Originally Posted: 14 March, 2010


"Mel, there is absolutely nothing wrong with my memory!" the Doctor shouted. "I do not need another of your vile concoctions!" He swatted at the pitcher she carried, but she'd stepped out of reach.

"At least this time you got my name right," Mel said. "So far this week, you've called me Nyssa, Romana, Zoe, and Turlough."

The Doctor shook his head. "Perhaps I could do with a nice, quiet holiday somewhere, recharge my batteries as it were. I know just the place, Harry."

"Harry?"

The Doctor grinned.

"Oh, ha ha," Mel said. "I suppose you think you're clever."

"Exceedingly."

 

Title: The Humour of Time
Doctor: Fourth
Fandom: Doctor Who
Originally Posted: 16 March, 2010


"You wouldn't understand, Sarah Jane," the Doctor said gloomily. "You couldn't understand."

She gave an exaggerated frown. "Oh, I know. You're a Time Lord. You walk in eternity."

"What? No, I mean this book. It's written in Old High Gallifreyan." He held it open for her to see.

She glanced over his shoulder and tried to read. "You're right; I can't make head nor tail of it. What's it about, anyway?"

"I think," he told her, "it's supposed to be a joke book. Now I truly understand why the present Time Lords are so humourless. I owe them an apology."

 

Title: The Stupid Apes
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Ninth
Originally Posted: 16 March, 2010


"You stupid apes!" the Doctor taunted. "You really have no idea, do you? You just sit there without a care in the world!"

Rose shook her head. "Doctor," she whispered.

"What?" he yelled. He spun around to face her. "What is it?"

"Everyone's staring."

"And?" he demanded. "That's what humans do, they stare."

"You know what else they do?" she asked. "They complain. They go get a zookeeper because some nutter's in the gorilla enclosure yelling at the animals. And I get kicked out too because I'm with you."

"That's stupid! Taunt them with me and deserve getting kicked out."