Story [Multi-Fandom] Salacious' Drabbles (12/31: "Supplemental Interpersonal Relations" (Community))

And now we take a short break from Doctor Who. This drabble and the next were written as bonuses for UDC 1, both in fandoms I hadn't done before. [And then I used them both again for UDC4, and those drabbles you'll have already seen.]


Title: Killer Service
Fandom: I Spy
Rating: G
Originally Posted: 18 March, 2010
Notes: The challenge theme (from Week 20) was "Final Set!"


"Scotty," Kelly said, "I'm going to get killed out there."

"You're only down one set."

"I mean the assassin, and you know it."

"Kelly, I'll find him, but I need you acting as bait."

"I really hate that word!"

* * *

Kelly scanned the crowd but couldn't see where his partner had gone. He'd spotted the killer in the stands, but Scotty had vanished.

"Nothing else for it," he muttered as he lined up his serve, but not toward his opponent. The ball smacked the assassin right between the eyes, knocking him unconscious. "Oops!" he shouted, feigning surprise. "Sorry, everyone, my fault!"

 

Title: Political Savvy
Fandom: The IT Crowd
Rating: G
Originally Posted: 18 March, 2010
Notes: The challenge theme was "PMS!"


"I do not like Gordon Brown," Moss declared. "I think it is fair to say that I hate Gordon Brown."

"Really?" Jen asked.

Moss nodded. "Yes."

"Why?"

"I do not know."

"You have to understand," Roy explained, "that we get all our political news from comedians."

"So do you two hate everybody, whatever their politics are?"

"Pretty much, yeah," Roy said.

"Yes," Moss agreed. "Every politician since Winston Churchill, all complete villains. Especially Margaret Thatcher. I definitely hate that guy."

"Margaret Thatcher's a woman," Jen said.

"Really? I did not know that. Some of those jokes make more sense now."

 

Title: The Sweet Planet
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Fourth
Originally Posted: 19 March, 2010


Adric looked up at the monitor. "Doctor, is that Earth?"

The Doctor adjusted the view, showing a second moon. "Not this time." He returned the angle back to the snowy landscape outside. No, he realized, not snow.

"Wait here," he said as he opened the TARDIS doors. "Whatever you do, stay inside." He walked out into the night.

A moment later, he ran back in. "Adric, you have sugar on Alzarius?" he asked, his words slurring together. "I like sugar, me. Not the safest for humans, no sir, has weird effects. Luckily, I'm a Time Lord. Perfectly safe for us!"

 

This was a response to a thread in YJCC.


Title: Sharing a Word
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Third
Originally Posted: 19 March, 2010


"Ah, Doctor," the Brigadier said, "I've been meaning to have a word with you before you leave. We'll have some help on this investigation."

The Doctor harrumphed.

"Quite. It seems that there was an SAS training unit bivouacked on the moor when the incident occurred, and they've been assigned to assist you and Captain Yates."

"So they'll answer to me?" the Doctor asked.

"And Captain Yates."

The Doctor nodded and walked outside to where Jo waited in Bessie. "Sorry, Jo, the Brigadier wanted to share a word with me."

"What word?" Jo quipped.

He climbed in and started Bessie. "Bivouacked."

 

Title: At Wit's End
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Sixth
Originally Posted: 20 March, 2010


Three steps from the TARDIS, the Doctor grabbed his head and staggered forward. "What's wrong?" Peri asked.

"Can't you feel that?" the Doctor shouted, struggling with each word.

"There's a slight buzzing in my head," Peri said.

The Doctor dropped to his hands and knees and crawled back toward the TARDIS. "Slight buzz?" he yelled, wincing. "I can't think! So much pain!"

"Sorry, Doctor, I'm just not feeling it."

The Doctor rolled onto his back. "Is this," he screamed, one word at a time, "what it's like to be you all the time?"

"Now there's no need to be insulting."

 

Title: Over the Edge
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Second
Originally Posted: 21 March, 2010


"Doctor!" Jamie yelled. "Doctor!" He leaned over the cliff, but he saw only the sheer face and, far below, the ocean splashing against the rocks. "Oh, Doctor."

"Jamie!" the Doctor's voice shouted back. "I'm fine! I'm on a ledge!"

"Where? I canna see you!"

"There's an overhang above me!" The Doctor's hand emerged from underneath and waved at Jamie from about a third of the way down.

"I'm going to get a rope!" Jamie yelled down. "Hold on!"

"That's a good idea!" the Doctor shouted. "But first, can you do me a little favour?"

"What?"

"Go and get a rope!"

 

Title: Confined Spaces
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Fourth
Originally Posted: 22 March, 2010


Sarah Jane found the Doctor in the same place he'd been the last three days: kneeling under the console with his head inside its base.

"Doctor?"

"Hmm?" he responded from within the workings.

"Couldn't you make these repairs on a planet somewhere?" she asked. "Maybe one with good shopping?"

The Doctor came out from under the console. "Shopping?"

"It doesn't have to be shopping," she said. "It's just that with you under there, I've been on my own. I'm going stir crazy."

"Give me one hour." A panel exploded. "One day." A second panel exploded. "Have you seen the library?"

 

Title: Gazing into the Vortex
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Sixth
Originally Posted: 23 March, 2010


The Doctor stared into the swirling vortex. Vapours roiled in its depths, and energy crackled along its edges. For a brief moment, he felt small, insignificant.

"Hey, buddy, step aside." A man dragging a large plastic bag stood behind the Doctor. "If you're done using the rubbish hole," he said, "some of the rest of us have stuff we need to toss."

"Rubbish hole? Rubbish hole?" the Doctor shouted. "You use this for refuse disposal?"

"Yes."

"Do you even know where the other end is?"

"Pretty much right there," the man explained, "but millions of years ago. It's called recycling."

 

Title: Free to Be
Fandom: Freakazoid!
Originally Posted: 24 March, 2010


"I have you cornered now, Freakazoid," the Lobe said. "There's no escape!"

Freakazoid looked around. "Wow, you really got me good."

Hi, this is Joe the announcer. To better appeal to fanfic readers, the rest of this drabble will feature gratuitous nudity.

"That's just stupid!" the Lobe yelled. "I don't want to see Freakazoid naked!"

"Yeah, well, I don't want to see you naked either," Freakazoid said.

The Lobe looked down. "Eep!" He wrapped a cardboard box around his waist and slinked away.

"Thanks, Joe," Freakazoid said. "Can I have pants now?"

Not until the drabble's over. Okay, it's over.

 

Title: Pinnae Pulled
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Ninth
Setting: Shortly before "Rose"
Originally Posted: 25 March, 2010


The Doctor clutched the sides of his head and fell to his knees. He could feel the blood oozing out through his fingers.

Xynthus stood over him and laughed. "So, Time Lord," he asked, "are you going to regenerate?"

"Regenerate?" the Doctor yelled. "Why would I regenerate? Just because you ripped off my ears? What kind of an idiotic villain tears off a guy's ears? Really?" He climbed back to his feet. "Give them back now!" He snatched his ears right out of Xynthus' hands and walked away. "Fantastic! Now I have to find someone to sew them back on!"

 

Title: The Latest Thing
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Sixth
Originally Posted: 26 March, 2010


"Really?" Mel asked the gym attendant, completely failing to hide her incredulity. A little under twenty years out from her own time -- was there a Mel in her forties around somewhere out there? -- and everything had changed so much. She'd reacted with admirable calm, if she said so herself, to the tiny cell phones and music players that stored gigabytes -- gigabytes! -- of songs digitally. But this?

"Oh yeah, it's the latest thing. Wanna try it?"

* * *

"But it's the latest thing!" Mel said.

"Forget it!" the Doctor shouted. "I'm not dancing around a pole like a stripper! Not now, not ever!"

 

Title: They Say
Fandom: Hong Kong Phooey
Originally Posted: 28 March, 2010


"Laugh all you want, Sarge," Penry said, leaning on his broom, "but there's a reason they call me the best janitor in the city."

"Really?" Sergeant Flint asked. "Who are 'they' who are saying that? Who are these scorers of janitorial excellence?"

"Well, uh..."

Flint barked a laugh. "I knew it! Nobody said it. Best in the city? You're barely the best janitor in this precinct, and that's just because of a technicality."

"I'm the only janitor in this precinct," Penry said.

"That's the technicality!" Flint left, still chuckling.

Penry looked back at Spot. "I said he'd laugh, didn't I?"

 

Title: Surfin' Safari
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Tenth
Originally Posted: 31 March, 2010


"When I said I wanted some sand and surf," Donna said, "this wasn't what I had in mind."

"Come on! This is great fun! Check out that view!"

Donna looked out at the swirling cloud of sand. "What view?"

"Well, yes, okay, we're inside the wave here," the Doctor admitted, "but past that, oh, Donna!"

"More sand."

"But not blowing."

The tannoy crackled. "We'll be arriving in New Timbuktu in two hours."

"Fourteen hours in a bloody commuter sandwave," Donna groused.

"These are first class seats!" the Doctor insisted.

"Real first class," Donna yelled, "proper first class, would serve alcohol!"

 

Title: Behind the Tandoor
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Third
Originally Posted: 2 April, 2010


Jo looked out the window as the UNIT plane touched down. "Doctor, where are we?"

"Precisely where I told you we'd be," he responded.

"Doctor," Jo said, "we weren't flying long enough to be anywhere near India."

"India?"

A UNIT corporal opened the cabin door, and cold air rushed in.

"India?" the Doctor repeated. "I never mentioned India. Come along. The Brigadier's waiting."

"You did!" Jo insisted. She and the Doctor went down the steps to where the Brigadier stood, wearing his family tartan. "Your exact words were 'the birthplace of chicken tikka masala.'"

"Precisely, and here we are: Glasgow!"

 

Title: Allotrope Tricks
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Second
Originally Posted: 8 April, 2010


"Jamie, Victoria," the Doctor said, "we're here!"

His companions looked at the scanner screen. "Another frozen wasteland!" Jamie groused.

"This one's somewhat different from the others we've visited," the Doctor declared, opening the doors.

"I'll get the coats," Victoria offered.

"Not this time," the Doctor said. He grinned mischievously.

* * *

Victoria gasped. "It's warm!"

"So why hasn't all this snow melted?" Jamie asked. "Is it not water?"

"Yes, but an unusual form," the Doctor explained. "It's an allotrope."

"Aye, so it's warm snow," Jamie said. "I still don't see why you- hey!" he yelled as the Doctor's first snowball hit him.

 

Here's another UDC1 bonus.


Title: Miss Pitstop's Here
Fandom: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law / The Perils of Penelope Pitstop
Rating: G
Originally Posted: 9 April, 2010
Notes: The challenge theme was "Objects."


"Birdman!" Phil shouted. "I've been looking all over for you!"

"I was in my office."

"No excuses! I'm taking you off the Pitstop case!"

"Why?" Harvey asked.

"You're losing! Badly! You should be objecting more! The prosecution's mopping the floor with you! Not literally, that was a metaphor," Phil added.

"Sir, it's a civil case."

"It didn't look like it was very civil from where I was standing!" Phil laughed at his own joke. "Seriously, you're off the case."

"Who's taking over?"

"I am! And Birdman, tell the next Mrs. Ken Sebben - sorry, Miss Pitstop - I need to see her!"

 

I was going to post a Big Bang Theory drabble next, but I'm not sure if the slash ban affects discussion of slash within a character's fanfic. So, we move on instead to my first ever (Matt Smith) Eleventh Doctor drabble, written after watching "The Beast Below." Needless to say, even though it's AU, it has spoilers.


Title: The Beat Below
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Eleventh
Spoilers: "The Beast Below"
Originally Posted: 11 April, 2010


The Doctor set the glass on the floor. "See that?"

"The water's jumping," Amy said. "Should it be doing that?"

"Not to that kind of pattern. Something's off."

* * *

"Doctor, where are we?" Amy asked. "And what's that smell?"

The Doctor looked around. "We're in his mouth, I think. As for that smell, just try not to inhale. Trust me."

"Mouth?" Amy yelled. "We're in a mouth?"

He grinned. "Yes! This entire ship was built on a Space Wailer!"

"Space what now?"

"Basically like a large, spacefaring reggae musician," he explained. "Probably a drummer."

"Then that thing I saw above..."

"Dreadlock."

 

Another UDC1 bonus drabble.


Title: Closing the Gap
Fandom: Sapphire & Steel
Rating: PG
Originally Posted: 12 April, 2010
Notes: The challenge theme (for Week 9) was "Healing."


"What does the tear need to heal?"

"To be left alone, Mister Connelly!" Steel snapped. He pointed at the closing fissure. "Don't pick at it! Don't touch it! Don't go anywhere near it!"

"He's right," Sapphire said. "For causality's sake, you must let it heal."

"Wait. Where's the exit?" Connelly asked. "How do I leave?"

"You don't!" Steel said.

"You're just leaving me in this room to starve to death?"

"You're outside time," Steel explained. "You won't age or need food or water. Ever."

"Sorry," Sapphire added. "It was the only way."

"Why me?"

"Because," Steel said, "you were here."

 

Title: The Colour of Time
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: First
Originally Posted: 13 April, 2010


The Doctor adjusted another linkage node and looked back through the open doors. "Any change?" he shouted.

"Sorry, Doctor," Steven yelled back.

The Doctor harrumphed. After some further tweaks, he asked again.

"Something's happening!" Dodo shouted.

The Doctor rushed outside. The TARDIS still looked like a police box, but green.

"It's different," Steven said.

The Doctor grumbled and went back inside. After an hour, the ship had been a red, a gold, and a grey police box. And then the panel exploded.

"The good news," Steven announced, "is it's still a police box."

"Steven!" Dodo whined. "I like it pink!"

 

Another bonus from UDC1.


Title: Steele Counting
Fandom: Remington Steele
Rating: G
Originally Posted: 19 April, 2010
Notes: The challenge theme (for Week 19) was "Count 'Em Up!"


Murphy paced around the suite. "Laura, something about Count von Whatever is rubbing me the wrong way."

Steele emerged from the bathroom, wearing only a towel. "He's fake."

"You see, Laura? Wait, what?" Murphy asked. "How do you know he's a phony?"

"I know him. Professionally. We even worked together a few years back."

"Have I mentioned lately that I love having a con man on the team?" Murphy asked.

Laura shushed him. "Is he even German?"

"Welsh."

Laura asked, "Could he be our killer?"

"Unlikely. Under his bluster, he's a big pussycat."

"Tell that to the mice," Murphy deadpanned.

 

Yet another UDC 1 bonus.


Title: Loot Roll
Fandom: The Guild
Rating: G
Originally Posted: 24 April, 2010
Notes: The challenge theme (for Week 14) was "Lift Thine Eyes."


"What was that?" Cyd asked. "Sorry, guys, something just rolled across my floor."

"Keep your eyes on the computer, Codex!" Vork said.

"There it is again! Don't pull any mobs yet. I have to AFK for a bit." She stepped away and went after the rolling intruder.

"Codex!" Vork yelled.

A moment later, she returned with the object. "Guys," she said, "I found a hamster ball in my apartment."

"Uh oh."

"Clara?" Cyd asked.

"Remember when you had me water your plants? I brought the kids with me."

"That was a week ago!" Cyd said. "How's this guy been eating?"

 

This drabble has very minor spoilers for the opening of "The Eleventh Hour," but nothing really past that.


Title: Menu Magic
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Eleventh
Originally Posted: 26 April, 2010


Amy looked up at the menu board. "Do you see anything you like?" she asked.

"I have no idea," the Doctor admitted. "I haven't had much time to work out anything past fish custard. Do you think they'll make that for me?"

"No. But it just so happens I chose this place for a reason." She pointed at the last panel.

"Have I told you you're a genius?" he asked.

"Not that I can recall, no."

"Just as well. Wouldn't want to give you a swelled head." He grinned and turned to the woman at the register. "Two buffets, please."

 

Title: Remote Control
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Fourth
Originally Posted: 26 April, 2010


"Doctor," Romana said, "I seem to have found a second console room."

"Excellent! Which one did you find?" the Doctor asked.

"Just how many are there?"

"Seven. I think the TARDIS made them for the variety, the clever old thing."

"This one had stone columns," she told him.

"Ah. That would be the tertiary control room, then."

"You've ranked them?"

"Well, it's really just the order in which I discovered them," he admitted. "I've never used most of them."

"I suppose the fish pond around the console would be an inconvenience," she said.

"Fish pond?" he asked. "What fish pond?"

 

Title: Good as a Rest
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Third
Originally Posted: 26 April, 2010


The Doctor carefully peered over the catwalk railing. "If they are using alien technology, it's disguised well," he whispered as he ducked back down.

The Brigadier nodded. "I'd almost forgotten what it's like to face ordinary human terrorists."

They quietly made their way to the end of the catwalk and down the ladder to the warehouse floor. "Our priority is to get to the phone inside that office," the Brigadier said. "Until we can contact regular forces, we're technically operating outside UNIT's remit."

"I have no problem with that."

"Me either, Doctor. Me either." He checked his gun. "Let's go."

 

Title: The Valiant Ones
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Sixth
Originally Posted: 26 April, 2010


"We're doomed! There's nothing we can do!"

Frobisher grabbed the Doctor by his garish lapels. "Listen, Doc," he said. "Right now, you and I are the only thing between that army of Daleks and the end of the universe. So get your head out of your backside, and let's get started with the saving!"

He let the Doctor go, revved his motorcycle, and raced toward the oncoming hordes.

* * *

"Oh, for crying out loud!" the Doctor shouted. "That isn't what happened at all!"

"Who's telling this story, me or you?" Frobisher asked.

The Doctor folded his arms and sat back down.