Story [Multi-Fandom] Salacious' Drabbles (12/31: "Supplemental Interpersonal Relations" (Community))

Title: Design Flaws
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: None
Originally Posted: 26 April, 2010


Davros stared out over his newest Dalek forces. Perfect, he thought, all so perfect. This species he'd tricked into assembling the casings might just be worth keeping. Then he saw the problem.

"Why," he asked their leader, "are the lower sections of those Daleks different from the others?"

The alien stared at the ground. "Well, you see, we changed subcontractors, and the new ones followed a different design."

"You changed designs partway through my order?" Davros screamed.

"They offered a better price. We thought you'd-"

"You imbeciles! How can you expect me to conquer galaxies with armies that don't match?"

 

Title: Weegli's Trek
Fandom: World of Warcraft
Originally Posted: 26 April, 2010


Weegli pulled his cloak tight as he trudged along the snowy mountain pass. The northern winds stung him through his clothes, through his skin, clear to his bones. This sure wasn't Gadgetzan, but a goblin knew to go wherever the money was.

He crested a rise and started down into the forest valley. Finally, ground he could see. Even better, he saw in the distance the floating city of Dalaran, where he'd meet his new employer.

He had to admit, Dalaran was a wondrous sight. Such a shame, he thought, that they weren't going to let him blow it up.

 

Title: Reformation of the Daleks
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Eleventh
Spoilers: "Victory of the Daleks"
Originally Posted: 2 May, 2010


The White Dalek rolled forward, close to the Doctor. "We are the future of the Dalek race!"

"We are stronger!" the Red Dalek added as it came alongside.

"We are smarter!" The Blue Dalek joined them.

"We are superior!" The Yellow and Orange Daleks took positions flanking the others.

"We will rule the universe!" they all shouted in unison.

The Doctor asked, "What makes you lot so special?"

"This." The Daleks' casings shifted. Parts retracted, extended, connected. The five Dalek forms merged, became one colossal humanoid terror, the White Dalek at its head.

The Doctor nodded. "Ah, yes. Should've guessed."

 

Title: The Boogitive
Fandom: Animaniacs / The Fugitive
Originally Posted: 5 May, 2010


Gerard showed his team the photograph of their target.

Renfro shrugged. "Looks like a giant chicken, eh, Poole?"

"Don't see it."

"Listen up!" Gerard shouted. "I want a hard target search of every farmhouse, outhouse, doghouse, and henhouse!"

"Start with the henhouses," Renfro muttered.

"Quiet," Gerard said. "Our fugitive is Dr. Richard Kimboo!"

* * *

Kimboo tried to stay calm as Renfro entered the henhouse. "See? There he is!"

"That's a chicken," Poole said.

"Right! Kimboo's a giant chicken! He ditched the orange jumpsuit somewhere!"

Poole dragged him out by the collar. "Come on. We got other places to search."

"But... but..."

 

Thanks so much for that. You don't know how much that helped.


Title: The Gnomish Secret
Fandom: World of Warcraft
Originally Posted: 7 May, 2010


Maybe it was inevitable that the secret would leak out eventually. We were operating out of an alley off one of the more remote canals in Stormwind. Perhaps that was our error. Sooner or later, the humans would notice unusual numbers of gnomes headed into one part of their city, and they'd be curious.

Frankly, we'd feared we'd be ridiculed. Instead, they wanted to join the fun, and we were thrilled to oblige. But when they started opening their own karaoke bars, you'd think they could at least have given us some credit instead of pretending they'd invented it themselves!

 

The World of Warcraft drabbles will be a bit thick, since I've done a bunch of them in the last few months.


Title: A Low View
Fandom: World of Warcraft
Originally Posted: 10 May, 2010


Wiley slid the trolls their drinks. "Anything else, gentlemen?"

The tallest of them pointed. "Her."

The other two groaned. One muttered, "Freak."

Wiley glanced over; a draenei mage sat alone, reading and nursing her drink.

"A troll after my own heart," he said.

They laughed. "You like 'em with hooves, eh?" the mutterer asked.

"Hooves, feet, who cares? It's not exactly where I'm looking," Wiley said.

"Then where you be looking?" the tall one wondered.

"You barely come up to her knee," the third added.

"Which gives me," Wiley said, grinning, "a wonderful vantage point."

All three trolls nodded. "True."

 

Title: Shouldering the Burden
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Tenth
Originally Posted: 13 May, 2010


"Who," Donna asked, "are those 80s rejects?"

"They call themselves the Dominators," the Doctor said. "Intergalactic bullies." He stopped and whirled around to face her. "'80s rejects'?"

"You know, the shoulder pads."

He nodded. "Right. They're not shoulder pads."

"Huh?"

"The Dominators' shoulders really do go up that high," he said.

Donna grimaced. "You're joking!"

"Weeeeeeell, possibly," he admitted. "I did just make it up, but it could be true. Or they might be giant shoulder pads. Perhaps if you ask politely, they'll show you." He thought for a moment and added, "Who knows? They could be the Dominators' codpieces."

 

Another UDC 1 Bonus drabble...


Title: Won't Get Food Again
Fandom: Daria
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme (for Week 13) was "Mush Fest!"
Originally Posted: 14 May, 2010


Jane looked down at her tray and winced. "What vanity project of Ms. Li's is responsible for hijacking the lunch budget this time?"

"I don't know," Daria admitted. "I just took my brown slop and continued on my way."

"I went for the green sludge. You know, though, under these lights," Jane said, "it looks closer to blue."

Daria stared at it for a long, quiet moment. "That right there is not a color that should ever be associated with food."

"Is there a term for anorexia that only manifests on school grounds?" Jane asked, pushing the tray away.

"Smart?"

 

These two I'm posting together because I wrote them both on a bit of flier at an event with the Seventh Doctor himself, Sylvester McCoy. The first was inspired by the word "synchronicity," which he said he learned from director Trevor Nunn. Afterward, I went up and asked him what his favorite word was, and he said, "Discombobulate." That gave me the second one.

Title: Glorious Happenstance
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Seventh
Originally Posted: 16 May, 2010


"Synchronicities, Ace," the Doctor said suddenly, "are wonderful things."

"Absolutely. Uh, Professor..."

"They're those perfect moments when time, space, and reality come together, conspiring to an end," he explained.

"You're saying there are forces in the universe guiding events?"

He tapped his chin. "Perhaps. Or perhaps I'm just waxing lyrical about glorious happenstance. Frankly, Ace, I'm not sure which would be the more magical explanation."

"Right," Ace said. "What brought this on?"

"This." He set his tiles on the Scrabble board, three before her word "chronic" and four after, connecting to the S in "pasture". "Synchronicities."

"Can I concede now?"


* * * * * * *

Title: The Green Hole
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Seventh
Originally Posted: 16 May, 2010


Ace watched the three stoats float leisurely from the console room. "What's going on, Professor?"

"We're trapped in the outrush of a green hole!" the Doctor shouted as he raced around, pounding at various controls.

"A green what?"

"Pure entropy pouring into the universe, roiling an ever-expanding hypersphere of time and space around it!" he told her. "If we can't close it, reality will become hopelessly discombobulated!"

"If we plug the hole," Ace asked, "will that recombobulate reality?"

"Recombobulate reality?" he screamed. "Recombobulate reality?" He stared at her. "Sorry, I just wanted to say that. It should recombobulate reality, yes."

 

Just read through all these. the ones for fandoms I know of, I flippin' loved. The ones I didn't know about, I 'merely' loved. loved the Who ones, and the Remington Steele one as well.

 

Thanks. Sorry that I'd forgotten to keep updating this thread.


Title: Public Transport
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: None (Tenth)
Originally Posted 26 May, 2010


"I'm sorry, madam," the robotic station attendant said. "We are experiencing delays on the Theta line between London and Sydney."

"How long are these delays?" Donna asked.

"That information is not available. As an alternative, take the Mu line to Sao Paolo and transfer to a Psi train to Melbourne. A subcontinental bus provides service to Sydney."

Donna grimaced. "Yeah, well, I wish we'd been told an hour ago."

"I shall make another announcement."

Moments later, the public address system spewed another unintelligible stream of static; this time, Donna caught mention of "Paolo."

"Right," she grumbled. "The more things change."

 

Title: Angelica Pickles, Vampire Sayer
Fandom: Rugrats / Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Originally Posted: 3 July, 2010


Tommy shrank back. "No, Angelica! You'll just break more of my stuff!"

"Relax," she said. "Because of my new super muscliness, my daddy says I'm going to a special school to be a vampire sayer!"

"What's a vampire sayer?" Phil asked.

"Don't you know nothing? It's someone who fights vampires!"

"But, Angelica," Tommy said, "fighting is bad. My mommy said you should never hit people."

Angelica rolled her eyes. "Dumb baby, vampires aren't people. They're mean and nasty and-"

"Meaner than you?" Chuckie asked.

"No, she's right," Lil said. "Our mom's always yelling about the vampires when she watches baseball."

 

I'm posting these together for obvious reasons.

Title: History Lies - Alliance Version
Fandom: World of Warcraft
Originally Posted: 18 July, 2010


"This can't be right." The dwarf slammed the book down. "I remember everybody who was there that day, especially those we lost. You'd think someone would've noticed him!"

"Are we mentioned at all?" the gnome asked.

"Not a one. Forty of us, brave and true, but according to this, it's like we never existed."

"This makes no sense!" the night elf cried. "We carried her head into Stormwind! They hailed us as heroes! And now all the credit's been stolen by some charlatan?"

The human squirmed uncomfortably. "Why are you all staring at me?"

"He's your king," the dwarf said.


* * * * * * *

Title: History Lies - Horde Version
Fandom: World of Warcraft
Originally Posted: 18 July, 2010


"This can't be right." The orc threw the book back to the Forsaken, who caught it and set it down.

"Oh, it's what da humans be sayin'," the troll confirmed. "Dey can't be lettin' us Hordies get da credit for killin' da one who had dem all fooled."

"Her head was displayed over Orgrimmar!"

The tauren sighed. "How many days before it vanished? Our leaders only recently learned that humans took it back to Stormwind."

"Let me guess," the Forsaken said. "They'd rather give Wrynn credit for killing Onyxia than admit to being robbed?"

"Sounds about right," the others agreed.

 

Title: Pitching Death
Fandom: World of Warcraft
Originally Posted: 18 July, 2010


Arthas stood above the assembled heroes. "Join with me, and you shall be immortal!"

"Never!" a paladin yelled.

"Wait a moment," a rogue said. "What do you mean, 'immortal'? Do you mean actually alive forever or just undead like your other underlings?"

"Well, that's a form of life," Arthas hedged.

"No, it's not!" the paladin shouted. "Everything you've been doing has been about destroying life!"

"I gotta go with him," the rogue said. "We've kinda been rekilling all your henchthings since we got here, so they're not seeming very 'immortal,' really."

Arthas nodded. "I really should work on that pitch."

 

Title: Morning Briefing
Fandom: World of Warcraft
Originally Posted: 23 July, 2010


General Marcus Jonathan stared at the assembled guard captains. "As you may have heard, our king has welcomed the Death Knights into the Alliance." He waited for the grumbling and muttering to subside. "This means," he continued, "that they are to be afforded all the respect we show to living citizens.

"Which brings us to their arrival yesterday, when they were subjected to repeated attacks, mostly involving spitting and rotten fruit, and mostly coming from City Guards. I understand the anger and frustration, but one thing puzzles me. When did it become policy to carry rotten fruit while on duty?"

 

Title: Booreka: The Egg Head
Fandom: Animaniacs / Eureka
Originally Posted: 23 July, 2010


Sheriff Carter watched the scientists working, his attention drawn to one in particular. "Alison," he whispered, "who is that?"

She nodded. "Ah, that's Doctor Alfred Noboo. He's the department head."

"And you've noticed he's a..."

"Yes, Carter," she said, "everyone knows. But don't tell Fargo. He still thinks he's the only one.

From somewhere, Fargo screamed, "Noboo's a chicken, I tell you! A giant chicken!"

"Chicken or not, he's the best in his field," Alison explained. "Global Dynamics doesn't discriminate."

"Fair enough," Carter said. "Was he created in a lab here?"

"No, we recruited him out of Stanford, I think."

 

"No, she's right," Lil said. "Our mom's always yelling about the vampires when she watches baseball."

 

These were two more of my bonuses for UDC 1. There's only one more after these two, but it'll have to wait.


Title: Family Time
Fandom: The Incredibles
Rating: G
Originally Posted: 23 July, 2010
Notes: The challenge theme for Week 7 was "Meal Time!"


"Can I go watch TV?" Dash asked.

"No," Bob grunted, bits of pea flying from his mouth.

"You know the rules," Helen said.

Dash grumbled and went back to eating. Just then, the alert signal in the other room began beeping.

Helen looked at Bob. "That goes for you too."

"But it could be a meteor headed toward Earth!"

"Fine," she said, "go see what's the matter."

Bob left the room, then returned moments later and sat back down.

"Dad, what was it?" Violet wondered.

"The Human Tortoise," Bob muttered.

"There, see?" Helen asked. "You'll even have time for dessert."


* * * * * * *

Title: The Optical Overload Outrage
Fandom: The Middleman
Rating: G
Originally Posted: 24 July, 2010
Notes: The challenge theme for Week 8 was "Contrasting Themes."


Wendy screamed and threw herself backward as one final ray from the villain's optimaser streaked past her.

"Crayola box with sharpener!" her boss shouted. "Dubbie, are you all right?"

Wendy sat up. "My brain hasn't exploded from sensory overload, but everything does look brighter."

"Like a television with the contrast turned all the way up?"

"Yeah," she said. "It's giving me bit of a headache."

"Relax, hophead," Ida's voice cut in. "It was a glancing blow. The effects should wear off in a few days. Too bad, too. Messing with her eyesight could only improve her painting."

"Hey!" Wendy yelled.

 

Title: The Royal Visit
Fandom: World of Warcraft
Originally Posted: 29 July, 2010


In a remote corner of Azeroth, in a place few knew existed, a horse was pulled to a halt outside a ramshackle hut. A tall, broad figure leaped down and strode to the hut's door. The man knocked twice, said, "Swordfish," and went inside.

The interior was far more ornate and spacious, but he ignored it. "Ah, King Varian," the goblin owner said, bowing nervously.

Varian removed his helmet. "Is Mllrglhrglwrgl available?"

"I'm, ah, afraid not, your majesty." The goblin gulped nervously.

"Too busy for me?" Varian yelled.

The door to Mllrglhrglwrgl's room opened. Varian hissed, "You!"

Thrall nodded. "Varian."

 

Title: Saturday Morning
Fandom: The Cosby Show
Originally Posted: 29 July, 2010


Cliff smiled. Claire and the kids were away for the weekend. It was Saturday morning and he was alone with a meatball sandwich. Closing his eyes, he took a bite.

SCREEEEEEEEEE!

Bread, meat, and sauce flew in different directions. Cliff dropped the mangled remains and picked up the other half.

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Cliff jumped up and ran outside. "It's Saturday!" he shouted at the construction crew across the street. "Don't you take any time off?"

"They're paying us overtime!"

"So what am I supposed to do?"

* * *

Cliff sat down, adjusted his new soundproof headphones, and ate his sandwich in blissful silence.

 

Title: CSI: Crossroads - Lost and Found
Fandom: World of Warcraft
Originally Posted: 29 July, 2010


The undead medical examiner knelt down over the body. "The scavengers sure got to her. Raptors, even some of the tallstriders took bites. But there are still signs of both blade and magic attacks."

The orc stood nearby, looking off into the distance. "Quilboar?"

"Can't say one way or the other, lieutenant. Back at the Crossroads, in my lab, sure, but not here."

"The big question, is it her?"

"Preliminary guess, yeah, it's her."

"I'd better get on the channel to the search parties, then." The orc whipped off his sunglasses. "We've just found Mankrik's wife, and it was murder."

 

Title: Epicus Maximus
Fandom: World of Warcraft
Originally Posted: 30 July, 2010


Thrall welcomed the new arrivals. "Greetings, adventurers! I have a task for you!" But they weren't looking at him anymore; they were staring out into the mist. At him.

"Do you see that?" one of them asked.

"Every day," he said.

The questions came quickly, as they always did.

"Is that guy playing the guitar?"

"While riding a devilsaur?"

"That's riding a flying shark?"

"With a laser on its head?"

"That is the most epic thing I have ever seen!" The others all agreed.

"You get used to it," Thrall said. "Anyway, I'll still be here when you're finished gawking."

 

Title: Desert Auction
Fandom: World of Warcraft
Originally Posted: 5 August, 2010


Desert winds scoured the small, isolated hut with blasts of sand, but the structure held firm. Inside, four figures hunched over a tiny wooden table, eying each other warily.

"The wind be howling tonight, mon."

"So what? The wind be doing that every night. Are you gonna be jawing like this all evening, or do you wanna be starting now?"

"Don't go saying that to me, mon. Look to your partner. It's his turn to start."

The others all turned to the indicated player. "Oh, it's on me, is it?" He examined his cards. "Fine, I bid eight, no trumps."

 

Title: The Dark Portal
Fandom: World of Warcraft
Originally Posted: 5 August, 2010


I'd used mage portals before; a second of airiness, like racing over a hill, but otherwise just like stepping through a door. This, though, was completely different.

I stepped into the swirling vortex, and I felt every cell of my body yanked forward. My stomach churned. My head pounded. I wanted to be sick in every way possible. Seconds seemed like hours, excruciatingly painful hours.

Eventually, in the distance, a black speck grew larger and more distinct, and I was spat out. "Outland," I muttered, right before all those ways I wanted to be sick finally caught up with me.