Story [Multi-Fandom] Salacious' Drabbles (12/31: "Supplemental Interpersonal Relations" (Community))

Title: The Exterminator
Fandom: Matlock / Doctor Who
Originally Posted: 12 December, 2010


"That's him," Mrs. Gibbons said, pointing at the defendant's table.

"You're sure?" Ben asked.

"Positive, Mr. Matlock."

"Would it surprise you to learn that the Dalek sitting there isn't, in fact, my client? That it's not even an actual Dalek?" Ben grinned. "It's just an empty shell, operated by remote control." He stopped by the bar, and Conrad handed him a radio controller. "Recognize it, Mrs. Gibbons? The police found it and the shell in your home this morning."

"Mr. Matlock," the judge asked, "where exactly is your client?"

"He's that Dalek back there, Your Honor. Or maybe that one."

 

The Exterminator-Might be a bit of a problem if they're Paradigm Daleks. Otherwise, quite clever.

 

Why would that make a difference? Would they really be that much harder for some middle-aged woman to imitate with a remote-controlled mock-up?


Title: Exit, Pursued by a Bear
Fandom: World of Warcraft
Originally Posted: 12 December, 2010


"She's gone mad!" Glilby screamed as he ran toward the temple guards.

"What did you do now, gnome?"

"Nothing! I swear!"

* * *

With stealth and cunning, Glilby slipped through the bushes, stopping just outside the Moonwell's glow. There she lay, alone, in the shallow water, only her head above the surface. Glilby froze, not even breathing.

And suddenly she stood, water rolling down her smooth blue skin. Glilby let out a single, tiny gasp. She turned, staring right at him. And she transformed.

* * *

As the bear chased Glilby away, the guard shrugged. "That's what you get, gnome, for messing with druids."

 

Lesson learned, I guess.

I like the title on this one. It's my favourite stage direction.

 

I mean not being able to get them confused.

 

Thanks, Id. I wrote that one while in line for the Cataclysm midnight release, and yes, the title came first. RK, I thought you might mean that at first, but as a criticism, it made even less sense than the other, so I figured I had to be wrong.


Title: Stain Safety
Fandom: G.I. Joe
Originally Posted: 12 December, 2010


"Billy, I feel like a god! We should find more hobos to kill!"

"But James," Billy complained, "what are we going to do about this mess? Mom will be home soon!"

"Maybe throw a rug on it?" James suggested.

"No!"

Both boys turned toward that voice. "Doc!"

"To get rid of bloodstains, you need to scrub well with a strong bleach," Doc said. "Be sure you get it all, too. The brain chunks become like cement if you don't get them right away. Oh, and open a window or you'll die."

"Now we know!"

"And knowing is half the battle."

 

GI Joe!

 

Title: Physics Fun
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Fifth
Originally Posted: 12 December, 2010


The Doctor glanced back over his shoulder to Nyssa. "What did you think?" he asked. He noticed she wasn't smiling. "You didn't have fun?"

"Well, as an exercise in applied physics, it was interesting," she said, "but I wouldn't call it fun."

The Doctor tried to turn around to face her, but the bar held him tight. "It's not about the application of physics, Nyssa. It's about letting the roller coaster pull you through the drops and twists and turns, about-"

"Nausea, Doctor?"

"Ah," the Doctor said. "Have I mentioned that some include loops? Now there's some interesting applied physics."

 

I wrote this on a Sunday as a standalone, but the next day, someone suggested I use the theme again. So I did, for a week. Seven days, seven fandoms, one recurring theme (originally posted together at the end).


Title: The Primal Terrors
Fandom: Indiana Jones
Originally Posted: 19 December, 2010


"Indy, I think we're in trouble! There's something coming! Lots of somethings!"

Suspended several meters above her, Indiana kept his attention on the gem he was trying to extract from the statue's eye socket. "Does it sound like snakes?" he asked. "If not, don't bother me! I'm-"

The first creatures stepped into the room. They were reptilian, like some kind of dinosaur but not one he'd seen in any museum. About four or five feet tall, they were definitely carnivores. They moved with almost mammalian - no, Indy thought, avian - intelligence. "Start climbing," he whispered. "Slowly."

"What?"

"Climb!" he yelled. "Climb!"

 

Title: Jack's Pet
Fandom: Will & Grace
Originally Posted: 19 December, 2010


"Rosario, where is my-" Karen stopped as she entered the strange white room. What was left of Rosario lay on the floor, being gnawed by some large creature. "Jack honey!" Karen yelled. "Jack!"

Moments later, Jack came into the room. "Bad velociraptor!" he scolded. "Bad! Rosario hadn't made my breakfast yet!"

"What is that thing?" Karen asked.

Jack grinned. "She's my velociraptor."

"Your what now?"

"It's a dinosaur," he said.

"Honey, you have to speak English." Karen watched the raptor eat. "Where did you get it?"

"Pet store in midtown," Jack said. "Why?"

"Do you think I could get one?"

 

Title: Dribbling Dino
Fandom: Wonderfalls
Originally Posted: 19 December, 2010


The raptor on the customer's jersey turned to face Jaye. "Break the chain."

"What chain?" Jaye whispered. "I already threw that letter away, despite the warnings about losing my hair or my dog getting run over even though I don't have one."

"Break the chain."

"Fine!" She handed the perplexed customer his bags.

"Jaye!" the mouthbreather yelled. "We need to talk now!"

"I'm busy. Scream at somebody else."

"I can't. Peggy yells at me. I yell at you. You yell at... whoever," he said. "That's how the chain works."

Jaye grinned. "Not anymore. You and I are breaking this chain!"

 

Title: Feather or Not
Fandom: World of Warcraft
Originally Posted: 19 December, 2010


Grodlock tossed one of the strider's legs behind him and started eating the other. He peered over the campfire at the blood elf. "Sure you don't want some?"

"No thank you," she said. "Sharing your fire is generosity enough."

As he ate, he realized she was staring past him toward his pet. "Ever been this close to a raptor before?" he asked.

"No. Why is it wearing those feathers?"

"Dunno. They all have them," he said. "Hey, Charlie, why you got those feathers?"

"No idea," the raptor admitted. "It's one of those things you do just because everyone always has."

 

Title: The Devil's Claw
Fandom: Sherlock
Originally Posted: 19 December, 2010


"As I've told you before," Sherlock snapped, "once you have eliminated the impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."

"But you've done it backwards, surely. The idea of a velociraptor running around London is impossible," John said.

"Velociraptors, plural. At least four of them. No," he amended, "five."

"You're telling me you deduced the number of raptors from the crime scene?"

"No, I counted." He nodded toward something over John's shoulder.

John turned slowly and saw the five raptors stalking toward them. "My life was so much easier before I met you."

"Easier, but much less fun."

 

"My life was so much easier before I met you."

So much easier, but so much more boring.

 

Thanks, both of you.


Title: Chaos Reigns
Fandom: Quantum Leap
Originally Posted: 19 December, 2010


Sam stared at the reflection in the water, barely believing it. He tried turning his head, but it turned with him. How was this possible? He'd overshot his lifetime before, but there was always a reason, and even then he'd never gone back more than a couple centuries. And yet, staring up at him was a face unseen for over sixty-five million years. "I'm a velociraptor," he said, almost convincing himself. "Oh boy."

So why was he here? Could Al find him? He was distracted as a giant mosquito landed on his neck. Without thinking, he squashed it. And Leaped.

 

Raptor Week ends with...


Title: A Raptor Runs Through It
Fandom: Quark
Originally Posted: 19 December, 2010


Quark ducked behind a tree as creatures burst from the foliage farther down the trail. They turned their large, reptilian heads from side to side, searching. "What are those?" he wondered.

"I believe those are called velociraptors, Commander," Ficus said, remaining out in the open, "carnivorous dinosaurs from your planet's Cretaceous Period."

"Look at those claws!" Quark gasped. "Why are you just standing there? Hide! Hide!"

"You forget, I am a Vegeton. Carnivores would have no interest in eating me."

"Ficus, we both know you're a Vegeton," Quark said, "but do those things know?"

"Ah. Might I suggest running, Commander?"

 

You know, with Raptor Week I was half expecting to see a Primeval drabble.

Excellent job on all of these, really.

 

Thanks. I wanted to avoid obvious fandoms (and only included WoW because I was on the subway and needed an idea quickly).


Title: The Engulfing Dread
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Seventh


Ace and Benny smiled as the hostess led them along the wooden walkway, but the Doctor seemed distracted. Their table, like the others, was on pontoons; the black water of the lake lapped against them inches from diners' feet.

"Don't drop your fork," Benny joked as they sat down.

"Professor," Ace asked, "what's wrong?"

He shook his head. "Don't you feel it? Dread, like the universe is threatening to engulf us."

"I don't feel anything," Benny admitted. "Uh, Doctor, does the universe have tentacles?"

As more tentacles burst from the water, the Doctor yelled, "Ace! Benny! Drop your forks! Now!"

 

Looks like the doct's intuition/feeling was right on the mark and the wonderful tranquil atmosphere is really spoilt now by a rapacious thingamabob with tentacles LOL

 

Thanks. I wrote that one after coming home from an event at an art space with a pond built into the floor. The tables weren't on pontoons, though, just metal walkways built above the water.


Title: Silent Witness
Fandom: The Closer / Friday the 13th
Originally Posted: 21 December, 2010


"Hi there. I'm Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson, and I'll just be needing to ask you a few questions, if you don't mind." She sat down without waiting for a response. "Thank yooouuu. Are you comfortable? Do you need anything?"

He sat there, not saying a word.

"I understand," she said. "Are you sure you wouldn't be more comfortable without that mask? I bet you look just fine under there." She reached across the table, but he grunted and leaned away from her. "Fine, suit yourself, Mr. Voorhees. Tell me, where were you on the night of the thirteenth, hmm?"

 

Title: Yule Be Sorry
Fandom: Police Squad!
Originally Posted: 24 December, 2010


Billy Joe pointed his gun toward his hostages as something jangled on the roof. "What the...?"

"Every time a bell rings," the little girl said, "an angel gets-"

"I'll ring your bell!" he snapped. There was a loud rumbling, and a large red shape rolled from the fireplace. "Santa?"

"Someone's been a naughty boy."

"I didn't mean to. It's been a rough year."

"In that case..." Santa threw his beard, knocking Billy's gun from his hand. He then tackled and cuffed him.

"You're not Santa!" Billy cried.

"I'm Frank Drebin, Police Squad!"

The girl laughed. "Santa doesn't come in July!"

 

Title: To Live and Dine in Santa Barbara
Fandom: Psych
Originally Posted: 24 December, 2010


"Shawn," Gus said, "this isn't going to work."

"Shush. You'll blow my cover."

"What cover? You called an hour ago and told them you were coming."

"Anonymously," Shawn added. "I called them anonymously and hinted that the restaurant critic for a prominent regional website might be stopping by. That's all."

"First, you told them what you'd be wearing. Second, what website would hire you as a critic?"

"Buzz's blog, where I have a weekly column."

"How many weeks have you been doing this?" Gus asked.

"This will be my second, but last week, I gave Dunkin Donuts a glowing review."

 

Title: Sank a Spaceship
Fandom: My Name Is Earl / Doctor Who
Originally Posted: 24 December, 2010


I'm not proud of anything on my list, but some I'm more not proud of than others. Once I may have almost doomed the world.

"We shouldn't mess with it," Randy said. "It says 'Police' on it."

"Shut up and help me," Earl grunted.

"But it's heavy, and it feels weird," Randy complained as they dragged the box down to the dock. They tipped it into the lake, and it sank immediately.

Moments later, a man ran toward them, panting. "Have you seen a large blue box?" he asked.

"You sound like Crocodile Dundee," Randy said. "'That's not a knife!'"

 

Title: The Party Favor
Fandom: Up
Originally Posted: 25 December, 2010


"No," Carl said, "I don't want to. Can't you ask somebody else?"

Russell pondered. "Well, there's Billy's dad, but he's all skinny, and he sounds like that duck from those commercials."

Carl grumbled, groused, then muttered, "All right, fine. I'll do it."

"Yay! Thank you! Dug, Mr. Fredericksen's going to play Santa for the Wilderness Explorer Christmas party!"

"That cannot be right," Dug said. "You cannot play Santa. Santa is a real person. I have been watching the television, and they say that Santa brings presents to those who are good, and I have been a good dog all year."