Story [Multi-Fandom] The Count's Drabbles (12/30: "Ancillary Intervention Services" (Community))

Title: Unreality Check
Fandom: Sapphire & Steel


"This," Steel hissed, "is not reality!"

Sapphire knelt down in front of the old man's wheelchair. "Not as you would know it, anyway," she added gently.

"How do we get back?"

Steel snapped, "We're working on it."

"In the meantime," said Sapphire, "I'd like you to try something for me. Stand up."

This time, it was the old man who responded with a shout. "Are you mad? I haven't been able to do that in over twenty-"

Without a word, Steel kicked the chair over. The man leapt to his feet and rounded on him. And paused. "Ah. Not reality."

 

Title: Backstage Confidential
Fandom: Top Secret!


Nick Rivers smiled when the young blogger found him behind the fairground stage. He felt flattered that someone born well after the height of his career wanted to interview him.

"You were once the biggest star in the world," she began, reading from notes. He tried nodding humbly, but she wasn't looking. "Some say," she continued, "you were instrumental in bringing down the Iron Curtain."

"I wouldn't say instrumental, but I did my part."

"My first question, Mr. Hasselhoff," she said, "is whether you think your life since then has been a disappointment."

"Yes," he answered, grinning. "Yes, it has."

 

Title: A Fine Time to Leave Me
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Sixth


The Doctor shrugged. "If you really want to leave me, Evelyn, then there's nothing I can do to stop you."

"So you aren't even going to try?" she snapped.

"If your mind's made up, what would be the point?" he asked. He sighed dramatically and nodded toward the TARDIS doors. "The exit's right there."

She harrumphed and stormed out, only to find herself entering the console room again from the other side. "Nothing you can do, hmm?"

"I only wish I could take credit for this," he admitted. "I've been trapped in this recursion loop for the last four hours."

 

Title: The Beckoning
Fandom: When Things Were Rotten


Prince John's high whine echoed through the castle. "Hubert? Where are you, Hubert?"

It was even audible deep in the dungeons, where the Sheriff of Nottingham set down his heated nose pliers and motioned for Bertram to escort the prisoner they'd been torturing back to his cell. Seconds later, the Sheriff was racing upstairs. Never let it be said that he was ever disloyal to his Prince. It could be thought, of course, but the Sheriff would execute anyone who said it.

He found the Prince in his chambers, astride the royal commode. "Ah, Hubert, I'm out of toilet paper."

 

Title: Requesting Reptilian Relief
Fandom: Doctor Who


Henry sat in the seat offered by the maidservant; he watched as she took her own seat beside the veiled woman and held her left hand. "You may speak," the woman said.

"Madam, I am Henry Gordon Jago, impresario extraordinaire, late of the Alhambra Theatre in-"

The woman raised her right hand. "I know who you are and why you're here." She raised her veil and kissed the maidservant's hand with reptilian lips. "Leave us, Jenny." She grinned. "Do I startle you, Mr. Jago?"

"No, my maiden aunt shared accommodation, as it were, with her 'beloved Belinda' for forty years."

 

Title: Squirrels Interrupted
Fandom: Psych


Juliet stood by the cell door as Shawn slinked out. "Of all the stupid, idiotic, dangerous stuff you've pulled, Shawn Spencer," she yelled, "this has to be among the worst!"

He turned to her in confusion. "What did Lassie tell you I did?"

"He still doesn't know," she explained. "Shawn, you filled his car with squirrels. Not just a few but more than a hundred."

He chuckled. "Pretty funny, right?"

"On," she continued, "one of the hottest days of the year. You murdered dozens of innocent squirrels."

"I’m history’s greatest monster." He turned around and went back into the cell.

 

On TV in 1974, Jon Pertwee's Third Doctor regenerated into Tom Baker's Fourth. On stage, his regeneration went a bit differently.

Title: Critical Past
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Alternate Fourth


"Doctor! Jimmy! Look what I found!"

Earlier, the Doctor had managed to get the ancient library's computer system up and running again. "You can read almost anything from any period in history," he'd explained. "But stay away from anything after your time. Nobody should know his own future."

"What is it, Jenny?" Jimmy asked.

"It's not from your future, is it?" chided the Doctor.

"Sort of. It's a review of the play we'd gone to see the night we met you!" She pointed at her monitor. "It's pretty scathing."

The Doctor said, "Not because of us, I hope."

"Only mostly."

 

Title: Barfly
Fandom: Firefly


Jayne slammed his empty mug down on the bar so hard that the wood almost cracked. "What're you lookin' at?" he growled. "What's the matter? Never saw a man enjoying a drink or two before? Don't give me that! I'm not drunk! You're the one who's drunk!"

At a nearby table, Wash leaned closer to his wife. "Honeybunch, does Jayne have an imaginary friend he's been keeping a secret from the rest of us?"

"I think there's a bug on the bar," she explained.

Just then, Jayne slammed the mug down again, audibly squishing something. "Who's laughing now?" he barked.

 

Title: A Sticky Situation
Fandom: Pinky and the Brain


Pinky tried to pull himself up, but the treacle, already above his waist, held him fast. Of course, this meant that Brain was now in it up to his neck. "Nothing new there, then," Pinky quipped.

"Nothing new about what?" asked Brain.

"Oh, nothing. I was trying to remember how we got into this predicament."

Brain admitted, "I'm not sure, Pinky. I remember I'd just come up with a brilliant plan to take over the world when... " He trailed off.

"When what, Brain?" Pinky wondered.

"I have no earthly idea."

Pinky shrugged. "I promise not to tell if you don't."

 

Awww, Pinky and the Brain! Love those guys

 

I'm pondering how Brain's plan was supposed to work...

Awesome to see Pinky & The Brain fic! Love it.

 

Thanks.

Title: Mr. Monk and the Undead Menace
Fandom: Monk


"That's not how it works, Mr. Monk," Julie repeated patiently.

"Are you sure?" he asked. "If you look it up, I think you'll find I'm right about this."

"No," Natalie said, "she wouldn't. Zombies look the way they do because they're corpses who've come back to life. They don't become zombies because they look like that." She paused as she mentally confirmed that she'd got it right. "Eh, close enough."

"How many real zombies have you met?"

"None," Natalie admitted, "because there's no such thing as a real zombie."

He nodded smugly. "Then how can you be sure you're right?"

 

Love the logic

 

Thanks again.

Title: The Firebreather
Fandom:Seinfeld


Jerry didn't even look up from his newspaper as Kramer slid and stumbled into the apartment. "Jerry, you'll never guess what I've just seen! Not in a million years!"

"Was it a dragon?"

"No, it was a dragon!" screamed Kramer. "A dragon!" He paused for a second. "How did you know?"

Jerry nodded toward the window. Outside, the giant green figure hovered, the shadow of its great wings shrouding the entire block in darkness. Kramer blanched as he realized it was looking right at him. "Uh, Jerry? Can these things really breath fire?"

"Dunno. Ask George. She's his new girlfriend."

 

Title: Assassins' Cretin
Fandom: The Simpsons


The two men flashed their badges too quickly for Homer to read them. "Mr. Simpson," one asked, "do you recognize this man?"

"Your partner?" Homer shrugged. "No."

"Sorry," the second said as he pulled a crumpled photo from his other pocket. "This man."

Homer chuckled. "That's Hans Moleman!"

"That," the first man told him, "is Heinrich Molemanoni, a dangerous assassin! You, Homer, are the only one who can eliminate-"

"I do recognize you! You two are from that TV prank show, aren't you?" asked Homer.

"No, we only resemble those national treasures."

Homer nodded. "Okay, I'll kill Moleman for you."

 

"The Firebreather": I've never watched an entire episode of Seinfeld, and I have never found it that funny (I know that's blasphemy to most people, lol!), but this drabble was funny. I especially liked "Was it a dragon?"/"No, it was a dragon!"

"Assassins' Cretin": Woohoo, Simpsons! Moleman would be a good assassin...no one would ever suspect.

 

Title: Tiny Answer
Fandom: Danger Mouse


"From there," Danger explained, "we swing across on that rope, race up the bridge to the highest platform, and deactivate the Baron's diabolical device. Quite simple, really."

"If you say so," Penfold moaned as he continued to struggle against his bonds.

"What's the matter with my plan? If you still have questions, by all means, please let us hear them."

Penfold considered. "Well, my first question is: Why do birds suddenly appear every time we are near?"

"It's simple. I'm a mouse and you're a hamster," Danger told him. "Most of the time, they're trying to eat us."

"Oh, crumbs!"

 

Title: All an Allusion
Fandom: Psych


"It's all in your head, Spencer," hissed Lassiter.

"How would you even know?"

"Shawn," Henry tried, "you have to admit it's a stretch."

"It's not a stretch, dad!" Shawn insisted. "It should be obvious to even the most casual of observers that everything about this case is a reference to the seminal Krull."

"Every piece of evidence you gave us could just as easily apply to any 70s disaster flick," Henry explained.

Shawn turned to Juliet, but she raised he hands and stepped away. "Gus, old buddy," he said, "you agree with me, right?"

"Not until I see the Glaive."

 

I adore Shawn You captured him perfectly! And I love Gus's one-liner at the end.

 

Thanks.

Title: Can't Get You Out of My Head
Fandom: Eureka


Sheriff Carter gripped the sides of his head as hard as he could; his rational mind knew that his brain wasn't about to burst out through his skull, but it really felt like it.

"Jack, do you typically get headaches like this?" Dr. Blake asked.

"Like my head's ready to pop? Not usually, Allison. What's that?"

She held up the pill she'd been examining. "A sort of super aspirin we've been developing. It's supposed to cure any headache in seconds."

"And the chances that it'll turn me into some kind of rampaging monster?" he wondered.

"Twenty percent. Maybe thirty, tops."

 

Title: The Touch of Venus
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Third


The Doctor beckoned the two Jo Grants over and asked them to sit down beside each other. "I believe I've found a trick that just might work," he explained. "It's an ancient Venusian meditation technique."

He walked around behind their chairs and placed a hand on each Jo's forehead. "Now close your eyes and clear your thoughts. Breathe slowly." He started to raise his hands gradually; one Jo remained in her seat while the other rose awkwardly, her metallic skull affixed to the magnet in his palm.

The Doctor grinned. "I think, Jo, that I've just identified the robotic impostor."

 

Title: Andoria
Fandom: Star Trek


Admiral Walsh shook his head and started to walk away. "Forget it, Spock," he said. "It's Andoria."

Spock raised a single eyebrow. "I don't understand."

He turned to Captain Kirk, who just repeated, "Forget it, Spock. It's Andoria," before walking away himself.

Doctor McCoy was the next to say those same five words and leave, followed by Sulu, Uhura, Scotty, two crew members of lower rank, and a civilian who'd just been passing by.

"Do you want to join in the festivities?" asked Spock.

Ensign Chekov shrugged. "I do not know this reference everyone seems to be making," he admitted.

 

Title:Sensory Deprivation
Fandom: Sapphire & Steel


"Where are we now?" Steel demanded.

Sapphire tried to concentrate, even as she felt her senses growing fuzzier. "I can't be sure," she admitted.

"Then can you at least tell me when we are?" snapped Steel. "The present? The past? The future?"

"That ability is even weaker." She held a hand to her forehead and staggered forward.

Ignoring her distress, he asked, "What about your first five senses?"

"Intact. Is this how humans experience their world?" She paused, then added, "Future. We're in the future."

"How can you tell?"

"The present and past," she answered, "don't have giant robot spiders."

 

Title: The Bigger Man on Campus
Fandom: Gilmore Girls / Flash Gordon


Emily stomped down the stairs muttering to herself. Lorelai asked, "Do I want to know?"

"I could've smacked that man!"

"What man?" Rory wondered.

"That showboat Flash Gordon!"

Lorelai's eyes widened. "Savior of the universe?"

Rory glared at her. "Hush. What happened, Grandma?"

"It's your grandfather's big day at Yale," explained Emily, "and who do you think shows up on campus to completely overshadow everything else? Flash freaking Gordon!"

Still dazed, Lorelai asked, "Who saved every one of us?"

"We get it!" Emily snapped. "He's a fantastic guy! You sound like your father! 'Emily, I got to shake his hand!'"

 

Title: The Lackluster Leadership
Fandom: A Series of Unfortunate Events


Violet Baudelaire abdicated - a word which here means "gave up in favor of someone else" - her place as the leader of the group. "Klaus," she said, "perhaps you'd like to decide what we should do next."

Klaus, however, demurred - a word which here means "refused to accept the position being thrust upon him." "I'm sure you're doing a fantastic job," he replied.

After several minutes of this, Sunny grunted and usurped - a word which here means "took without really asking," usually quite rude unless you're a baby trapped on a mountainside with two indecisive teenagers - the leadership of the trio.