Story [Multi-Fandom] The Count's Drabbles (12/30: "Ancillary Intervention Services" (Community))

Title: Newman
Fandom: The Office UK


David sneered. "Hello, Newman."

The postal carrier, whose name he'd never learned, turned around. "Were you talking to me?"

"Who else would I be talking to?"

"My name's not Newman," the man said. "It's Surjeet."

"I know," David lied, "but Newman's the postman on Seinfeld. It's a joke."

"Newman is also fat, white, and unpleasant, so you have more in common with him than I do."

David hissed, "Get out."

Surjeet started to leave. "I'd call you by the name of some character with your job, but who'd make such a horrible show?"

David turned to the camera, smiling sheepishly.

 

Title: Multilevel Gemology
Fandom: Community


Vice Dean Laybourne opened the course listings to a random page. "You offer a class in Bejeweled?"

"Not just one class," Dean Pelton boasted, grinning, "but a whole series! You really have to have mastered Bejeweled and Bejeweled 2 before you can move on to the advanced Bejeweled Blitz." He leaned forward. "I really do think that video games are the great new narrative art form of this century."

"I see."

Missing the Vice Dean's dismissive tone, the Dean nodded enthusiastically. "Of course, we have to offer a class in Bejeweled Twist as well, but that's more of an elective."

 

Title: Laser Sunday
Fandom: Captain Laserbeam


"You'll be with me in spirit," Captain Laserbeam declared, "which is stronger than one hundred lasers. Also, I'll have my one hundred lasers."

Sally raised her hand. "Captain Laserbeam! Oooh, Captain Laserbeam!"

"Yes, what is it, Sally?" he asked.

"Captain Laserbeam, have you used all one hundred lasers before? Or are there some you've just never ever used before? I bet there are!" Saliva flew from her mouth.

"Well," he considered, "I admit some do get used more that others. How often has my laser hearing been-"

"You count hearing as one of your one hundred lasers?" Sally scoffed. "Lame!"

 

Title: Booze Found
Fandom: Arrested Development


Buster staggered into the model home's living room. He grinned at Maeby, drawled, "Howdy, brother," and passed out.

She stepped over him and went to the kitchen. A gallon jug, half full of orange juice sat on the counter next to a spilled glass. From several feet away, she could already smell the alcohol.

She opened up the fridge and checked the milk, the soda, the ketchup; each and every one had been spiked. She slammed the door quickly when she heard her Uncle Michael come in. "It wasn't me! I'm not the one who let Gangie near the fridge!"

 

Title: Between the Pages of Time
Fandom: Sapphire & Steel


"I am not," Steel insisted, "going to allow myself to get pulled into another piece of fiction! How often has Time trapped us within the narratives of books, films, television series-"

"Several," Sapphire admitted.

But he wasn't finished. "Audio dramas, video games, and the like? Need I remind you of last year and the... what was it called?"

"The animated gif." She shuddered involuntarily.

He nodded. "Right. Now, this book with the trigger, what did you say it was called?"

"Fifty Shades of Grey." She briefly described the storyline.

"Sounds revolting." He sneered. "Still, maybe we should consider going in."

 

Title: Chuck vs. the Vision
Fandom: Chuck crossover


Chuck grasped his head and staggered. "Did you flash?" Sarah whispered. He opened his eyes just in time to see the cops in the room share a glance.

"Flash?" the chief asked. "Is that like a psychic vision?"

Wondering what answer would best preserve their cover, Chuck settled for, "Kinda?"

"You're unusually calm about the idea," Sarah noticed.

The chief looked past her to the squad room. "Let's just say I have some experience in the subject." She gestured for two men to enter her office and said, "Agents Carmichael and Walker, meet Shawn Spencer, Santa Barbara's own psychic consultant."

 

Title: Herb Gathering
Fandom: World of Warcraft


"How could you do this to me? Do you know how long I spent traveling up and down the Cape of Stranglethorn gathering the herbs for my alchemy assignment? If you needed something to grind for your inks, you should've-"

I silenced her with a look. "I never touched your herbs," I hissed, my jaw threatening to come loose again. "Ask Taona'xili." I pointed toward the closed door to our other housemate's room; green smoke was seeping out around the edges.

We raced over, yanked the door open, and slammed it closed again. I asked, "Is the furbolg thing permanent?"

 

Title: Chuck vs. the Invites
Fandom: Chuck


Chuck was almost out of the Buy More when Jeff and Lester grabbed him by the shoulders. "Bartowski, is this," Lester asked, holding up a newspaper photo, "the party you promised to get us into?"

"I sent you guys like a dozen emails about it," Chuck insisted.

"I didn't get any emails," Jeff said. "Did you, Lester?"

"Not a one."

Chuck explained, "I sent them to your work emails."

"Our what?" Jeff wondered.

"The ones we all got from Buy More."

Lester scoffed. "I haven't looked at that in six months!"

"Wait," said Jeff. "Buy More gave us email accounts?"

 

Title: Fear of Flying
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Eleventh


As the jumbo jet taxied down the runway, the Doctor gripped his armrests tightly. "Amy," he announced through gritted teeth, "I think I've discovered something else about myself. I really don't like flying."

"Don't be a big baby," she hissed. "You've never had trouble flying anywhere in the TARDIS." She checked the safety belts of the passengers in the row ahead of him. "Even when it shook a lot harder than this."

"Fine, I hate aeroplane travel. Happy, stewardess?"

"Not if I have to listen to you whinge for the next six hours," she snapped. "And we're called flight attendants."

 

Title: Deep Blue
Fandom: Judge Dredd


"Let the kids have their fun for once," Judge Jiang said. "It's harmless."

Dredd rested his hand on the butt of his Lawgiver. "It's weird. I don't like it. That should be enough."

"It's not. Frankly, that's a good thing," Jiang explained. "If we banned this, the kids would just move on to something else. And the next craze could be something truly dangerous."

"They'll do that anyway soon enough," said Dredd.

Jiang smiled. "Exactly, so why rush it?"

Dredd grabbed the nearest teen, held him aloft by the scruff of his neck, and screamed, "Because their urine is blue!"

 

Title: Omnipotent Rage
Fandom: Red Dwarf


"Lister, you'll never understand the feeling of sheer power!" Rimmer shouted. "For one brief moment, I had absolute control over their every action, and they had to bend to my iron will!"

Lister lay back in his bunk and said, "You can have that moment whenever you want, Rimmer, because they were dolls. Admit it, you were playing with dolls."

"They're called action figures!" Rimmer bellowed, practically quivering with rage. "How could anyone calling himself a man make such a mistake? Well, okay, a couple of them were dolls, but that was just to fill in the ranks a bit."

 

Title: Like It's Your Last
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Sixth


"Hey, Doc," Frobisher said, "I got a question for ya."

The Doctor didn't bother looking up from the console. This was the ninth question in the last two hours; so far none had related to the others. "What now?"

"You know the expression about living each day like it's your last?"

The Doctor wanted to say that he thought the sentiment was trite and simplistic, but instead just replied, "Sure?"

"How's that work with time travel?" Frobisher asked. "I mean it can't be your last day if you've been to the future already, can it?"

"Congratulations, you've hurt my brain."

 

Title: Trumped Card
Fandom: Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.


Agent Coulson leaned close, looking the woman right in the eye. "Ma'am, do you see that word? S.H.I.E.L.D. Wanna take a guess how many times we've saved the entire planet?"

She wasn't fazed by this. "Don't matter," she said. "A driver's license has your date of birth on it. How am I supposed to tell how old you are from that?"

Coulson studied the identification. Holographic imaging technology and security chips embedded in each one, but sure enough, there was nothing to show age. "Well," he said, taking the beer off the conveyor, "I guess you caught me this time."

 

I love Coulson

 

Thanks. And now for a slightly older TV show.

Title: Chum for the Drummer
Fandom: Jabberjaw


The reporter leaned forward. "Tell me, Bubbles, how long have the Neptunes had a shark for a drummer?"

"Oh, a long time now," she answered. "I think he and Jabberjaw joined right around the same time."

"Jabberjaw is the shark," the reporter said.

She nodded. "Right, so then exactly as long."

"Aren't you at all afraid that he might go berserk and start trying to eat your fans?"

"We're not worried about that kind of stuff," she explained. "For a shark, he's practically a vegetarian. We only have to feed him the occasional drifter or nosy reporter, and he's fine!"

 

Anyone who's listened to Rob Paulsen's "Talkin' Toons" podcast will recognize what inspired this drabble.

Title: Consult Your Psychiatrist Before Using
Fandom: Animaniacs


"Come on, doc," Yakko said. "Laughter is the best medicine."

"You zhink so, do you?" Dr. Scratchansniff asked.

Yakko grinned. "Sure! You can't OD and the refills are free. I saw that on a bumper sticker once."

"Is zhat so? Zhen you are wrong!" The doctor pointed accusingly at Yakko. "Haff you ever seen someone pass out from laughing so hard? Haff you ever seen someone die from zhe laughing?"

"Well, no, but-" stammered Yakko, rubbing his neck thoughtfully.

"I have!" Everyone turned to face Wakko. He added, "It was both the most horrifying and awesomest thing I've ever seen."

 

Title: Quite the Character
Fandom: Castle


"Do you ever feel like you're just a fictional character and that your entire life, everything you've ever done or said or thought, was the invention of some writer?"

Detective Beckett smirked. "Of course, Castle. Every time you put out a new Nikki Heat book."

"That's not exactly what- Forget it. What about you, Javi? Do you ever feel like some invisible, omnipotent creator's dictating your every move?"

"Sounds like religion," said Detective Esposito. "But if you're wanting to know if I feel like a character in a book, nah. Sometimes I feel like I'm on a TV show, though."

 

Brilliant

 

Title: The Attitude Correction
Fandom: The Big Bang Theory


Leonard sighed. "It's just a commercial slogan."

"Well, it's a stupid one! A pig with an attitude isn't going to let itself get turned into bacon," Sheldon observed. "I want my bacon from docile, subservient pigs, thank you very much."

"It doesn't say the bacon has an attitude," explained Leonard. "It has attitude! It's like cool and edgy and hip!"

"Yeah, not buying it, buster."

Leonard didn't respond for a moment. "Are you just saying this to mess with me?" he asked.

"No, I'm emailing a transcript of this entire conversation to the idiots at Yakky Farms," Sheldon said. "Bazinga."

 

Title: Museum Piece
Fandom: My Mother the Car


When Jake had taken a new night watchman assignment at the museum, friends had joked about exhibits talking to him. Of course, that never really happened. Except for Gladys.

She was a vintage car, a 1928 Porter, or rather she was the ghost who'd been haunting said car since the sixties. She'd originally done it to watch over her son, but after he'd died, she discovered she was stuck.

* * *

"And eventually I was sold to this museum," she concluded.

"It sounds lonely," said Jake.

"I had a boyfriend - a living one - but he got banned and put on a list."

 

Title: Another Fine Mesh
Fandom: Farscape


"There's something alive in there," Chiana said.

Crichton tried to peer through the mesh covering the hatch. "Something big's alive or something small's alive?"

"Does it matter?" D'Argo asked. "In less than a hundred microts, anything in there will be busy coughing up its lungs."

This time, Crichton's gaze was on the mesh rather than through it. "And what about us? That doesn't look like it's gonna block much of anything."

As if on cue, something large burst out through the mesh and tackled Crichton to the floor before racing off down the hall. "It was that size," Chiana said.

 

Title: Practically Perfect
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Third


"The secret, Jo," the Doctor explained, "is to use the perfect ingredients in the perfect proportions. If any part isn't, well-"

"Perfect?" Jo guessed.

He rubbed his neck. "Yes, quite. It could prove disastrous."

He resumed his lesson, but it quickly dawned on Jo that he had missed something. "Doctor," she tried to interject. "Doctor. Doctor! DOCTOR!"

"What is it this time?" he groused.

She pointed. "Would you call that disastrous?"

"Ah."

* * *

A moment later, the TARDIS materialised outside the smouldering remains of the laboratory building. "That," the Doctor admitted, "was perhaps not the proper way to make a souffle!"

 

Part of me is surprised I didn't write this crossover years ago.


Title: Upon a Fiery Steed
Fandom: Arrested Development / Who's Harry Crumb?


"George Michael is fifteen," his father said. "He's not old enough to drive the stair car."

Maeby shrugged. "That detective he hired insisted for some reason."

"Sorry, what detective?"

* * *

George Michael leaned out of the cab and looked up. "Mr. Crumb, I'm not old enough to drive the stair car."

Crumb gripped the railings and braced himself. "Relax, you'll have a licensed adult with you. It's perfectly legal."

It wasn't. Harry Crumb's private investigator's license didn't include driving. As three judges had already explained.

"Now," he continued, "drive, my friend. Drive like the wind! And don't forget the Bonnie Tyler!"

 

Title: Unsafe House
Fandom: Get Smart


The Chief and his CONTROL team arrived just in time to see a dozen KAOS agents flee their safe house and run straight into the waiting prison vans. When the first couple filled up, they even queued patiently while a third one was brought around.

As the final batch was hauled off to a secret CONTROL prison outside Pacoima, Max finally emerged from the house. "How," the Chief wanted to know, "did you ever do it?"

Max grinned. "Simple! I just strolled in disguised as the one thing every KAOS agent fears most!"

"Freedom?" the Chief guessed.

"No, a bear!"

 

I love the BBT one