Story [Multi-Fandom] The Count's Drabbles (12/30: "Ancillary Intervention Services" (Community))

Discussion in 'Non Star Wars Fan Fiction' started by Count_Drabbu, Jan 1, 2012.

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  1. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Dial Q for... Where's the Q on This Thing?
    Fandom: The Guild


    Bladezz took out his cell phone, looked at it, and put it back away. "Can I borrow someone's phone?" he asked. "Mine's dead, and I gotta call my mom."

    "Sorry, no can do," Zaboo said.

    Vork grunted. "There's a pay phone in the kitchen, but be quick about it!"

    Bladezz left the garage but returned a few minutes later and asked, "Uh, Vork, how does that relic work? It doesn't have any buttons on it."

    "Are you telling me you've never seen a rotary telephone before?" Vork yelled.

    Zaboo said, "It took me a few tries my first time, too."
  2. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Afraid of the Dark
    Fandom: The IT Crowd


    Both Roy and Moss gasped as the lights and computers went out, plunging the room into total darkness.

    After a moment, Roy stammered, "Moss? Are you okay there, buddy?"

    "I'm fine," Moss said.

    "Yeah, me too," Roy lied. "I'm totally not afraid of the dark."

    Moss asked, "Really? I'm terrified by it."

    "But you just said you were fine!"

    "I am," Moss said. "Everything's working up here on the sixteenth floor."

    The lights in IT flickered back on; Moss's seat was empty except for a single speaker.

    "You can come back down," Roy said.

    "You won't fool me that easily."
  3. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: What You Feel
    Fandom: James Bond


    Bond's back arched, and he rolled over onto the bed. Carlotta calmly rose, donned her robe, and glanced back to see him still lying contorted. "If I didn't know better, I'd think I was just that good. Sadly, what you feel," she said, "is the effect of a poison my chemists have devised. I've been told it's like twenty minutes of intense orgasm. Not the worst way to die, but I've never tried it myself."

    "I-" Bond gasped, falling off the bed. Seconds later, he stood, Walther in hand. "Haven't either," he replied coldly. "We were told the same thing."
  4. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: The Tick vs. Ticks
    Fandom: The Tick


    "Egads, Arthur! This is horrific! It's just like that time I had to fight that Barry guy all over again, only now there are millions of him!"

    "No, Tick, these are the actual insects. They had the name before you did."

    "Really? Does that mean I have to give up my name? It's on all my stuff."

    "No, you're 'the' Tick, with a capital T. They're just ordinary ticks."

    "So I'm still the only 'the' Tick? Cool beans! Oh, and Arthur, they're arachnids, not insects."

    "I need to take a nap now, Tick. Talking to you has hurt my brain."
  5. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Time Flies
    Fandom: Doctor Who
    Doctor: Third


    Liz glanced up from her work as several somethings buzzed past her head. "Don't swat them!" the Doctor yelled. "Time flies can age your hand right off. They escaped from my console. I guess you could say it really did have a few bugs in it."

    Ignoring the quip, she just asked, "Time flies?"

    "Fortunately, I have just the thing. Time flies like an arrow." He grinned and held one up.

    Liz shook her head. "Of all the idiotic..."

    But the insects were already gathering around the arrow's tip. "You were saying, Liz?"

    "That's it," she decided. "I'm going home."
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  6. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Hej, Gallifrey!
    Fandom: Doctor Who
    Doctor: Tenth

    "Is this Panacea?" Majenta asked.

    The Doctor paced around the large chamber, confused. "No, it's the Panopticon! On Gallifrey!"

    "That's not possible, is it?"

    "No, it's not! Unless..." He stopped, knocked on a column, and grinned. "It's a reproduction. But it's a brilliant one! Why would someone recreate all this?"

    While he continued babbling, Majenta found the nearest exit. A moment later, she returned, carrying a paper sign. "Doctor," she said, handing it to him.

    "Of course!" he shouted. "I should have realised we're on one of the IKEA planets. Ooh, look! It even comes with a sonic hex key!"
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  7. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    In case you're curious, the drabbles posted yesterday, today, and tomorrow all feature companions from various Doctor Who comics. I wrote these back in March after I realized that I'd never included them in anything I'd written before.


    Title: Getting the Shaft
    Fandom: Doctor Who
    Doctor: Eleventh


    "Kevin!" Amy screamed as she and the others raced back to where he'd dropped from sight. When they got there, they found a large hole surrounded by the broken edges of wooden boards.

    Rory peered into the darkness. "Kevin?"

    "I'm about halfway down, wedged in pretty tight but otherwise fine."

    "This must be an old ventilation shaft for an abandoned mine," the Doctor said. "They boarded it up and let the desert bury it."

    "Guess they never anticipated a robot dinosaur blundering by," Kevin quipped. "Oh, that's not good. Guys, something's alive down here, and I think it can climb!"
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  8. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Destrii Rides Again
    Fandom: Doctor Who


    Mickey held Rose tight, and they kept their heads down as the stampeding beasts raced past them. As the pounding hoofbeats faded in the distance, a voice said, "You can open your eyes now."

    An alien woman with bluish skin and fishlike features stood over them, wielding a long staff. "You must be the Doctor's latest travelling companions." She helped them up. "I'm Destrii."

    "You travelled with the Doctor?" Rose asked.

    "You didn't think you were the first, did you?"

    Mickey said, "We just hadn't thought that some wouldn't be..."

    "Human?"

    "No!" Rose yelled a bit too loudly. "Or maybe."
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  9. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Doctors and More Doctors
    Fandom: Doctors / Doctor Who


    "Your credentials certainly seem to be impeccable," Dr. Parsons said. "Welcome to the Mill, Dr. Smith."

    "My pleasure," he replied as he slipped the psychic paper back into his pocket.

    * * *

    "Why do I," Martha asked, "have to play your nurse? I do have medical training, remember?"

    "Precisely! That's just why I need you up here dealing with my new patients while I have a scout around looking for any trace of our vitavore friends."

    "Wait a minute," she started to say, but he was already leaving the room. She yelled after him, "Doctors do meet with patients too, you know!"
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  10. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Vuvuzelas in the Mist
    Fandom: Doctor Who


    The Doctor raced through the stands, weaving around people even as he stared straight up at the sky. Behind him, Amy and Rory struggled to keep up.

    Over the roar of the crowd, Amy yelled, "I hate those stupid vuvuzelas!"

    "You bought me one for my birthday last year," Rory said.

    "As a gag!"

    The Doctor spun around. "Next year. She bought, or will buy, you one next year." He snatched someone's vuvuzela and aimed it straight up. He held his sonic screwdriver near the mouthpiece and activated. A spaceship shimmered into view above them, and the Doctor grinned. "Gotcha."
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  11. NYCitygurl NSWFF Manager

    Manager
    Member Since:
    Jul 20, 2002
    star 9
    I love the IKEA planet! Brilliant :D
  12. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Thanks.

    Title: Audio Science
    Fandom: Community


    Britta set her bag on the table, then turned to Abed and Troy, who were sharing a set of headphones attached to an mp3 player. "What are you guys listening to?"

    Abed pressed a button on the player before answering, "Inspector Spacetime."

    "What, like a soundtrack or something?" she asked.

    "No, silly," Troy said. "It's an audio drama," he added, carefully pronouncing the phrase.

    "A what?"

    "It's like an episode of the TV show, but without the pictures," Abed explained. "We have to use our imaginations."

    Troy nodded. "It's making my brain hurt kinda, but in a good way."

    "Whatever."
  13. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: What You Did
    Fandom: Doctor Who
    Doctor: First


    The Doctor grabbed Steven by his shoulders and yelled, "Do you realise what you've done?"

    "I was just trying to stop that clicking sound, I swear."

    "And in the process," the Doctor said, "you may just have solved one of the great puzzles of time travel! You're a genius, my boy!"

    Something on the console made a clattering ping. "Or you may just have doomed us to an eternity trapped in the vortex."

    "I'm sorry?" Steven offered. "I didn't mean-"

    He was interrupted by the familiar roar of materialisation. The Doctor harrumphed. "Or you may just have done nothing whatsoever."
  14. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: The Mondasian Electro-Fork
    Fandom: Doctor Who
    Doctor: Second


    The Doctor held his discovery out for the others to see. "Jamie, Victoria, do you know what this is?"

    "No," Jamie said, "but I'm sure you'll be telling us."

    "It's a Mondasian Electro-Fork!"

    "As in Mondas?" Victoria asked. "Isn't that where you said those Cybermen came from?"

    "Yes, but this predates their creation by a few millennia." The Doctor pondered. "So how did it get way out here?"

    Victoria peered at the device. "Doctor, why does it say, 'Made on Earth'?"

    The Doctor grunted and tossed it aside. "Of course," he muttered. "All the cheap knockoffs come from there anymore."
  15. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Return to Cathay
    Fandom: Doctor Who
    Doctor: Third


    Jo looked around at the ornate gardens in which the TARDIS had arrived. "Where are we, Doctor?" she asked. "China?"

    He smiled at her. "Exactly, though at this point in history, it's known as Cathay. We are in the court of the great Kublai Khan."

    "Isn't this where Marco Polo visited?" Jo wondered. "Do you think we could get to meet him?"

    The Doctor blanched at the idea. "That might be a bit awkward, Jo. He's met one of me already." He glanced around nervously, but Jo grabbed him by the sleeve and pulled him along.

    "Don't you dare, Doctor."
  16. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Domestic Squabble
    Fandom: Doctor Who
    Doctor: Fourth


    Leela pushed the Doctor back. "There are creatures ahead," she warned. "They may be dangerous."

    He looked past her. "Those are cows, Leela. They're harmless." He walked up to the nearest animal and patted its head. "See?"

    "Why does it not attack?"

    "Well," he said, "they're domesticated." She stared blankly. "Tame?" he tried. "They've been bred by humans for centuries to become docile."

    "Why?" she asked.

    "For food, mainly."

    Leela laughed. "People made these creatures slow and stupid to remove the challenge from hunting them? How pathetically lazy are they?"

    She strode away as the Doctor stood there, confused. "Lazy?"
  17. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Worlds Within Words
    Fandom: Doctor Who
    Doctor: Fifth


    Nyssa leaned over the railing. "Doctor? How many of these books have you read?"

    From three levels below, he replied, "A few thousand, perhaps."

    She gazed up and down the rows of shelves. "But there must be millions here! Why would you have so many more books than you could ever read?"

    "It's not me. The TARDIS collects them," he explained. "One of these centuries I really should find out how."

    * * *

    Rory found the Doctor slumped in the Library. "Have you ever," the Doctor asked bitterly, "remembered something you were supposed to do only after the opportunity had passed?"

    "Constantly."
  18. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: On Little Cats' Paws
    Fandom: Doctor Who
    Doctor: Sixth


    "Yo, Doc!" Frobisher yelled. "I found the door!"

    The Doctor rushed over, asking, "Is that what you call stealthy?" Then he saw the dozen guards in the open doorway, their laser rifles aimed straight at the pair. "Ah."

    Frobisher shrugged his flippers. "Yeah, we were made the moment we climbed over the first wall."

    "You thought you could just sneak in?" the lead guard snorted. "A waddling bird and a clown?"

    "Clown?" the Doctor fumed. "Clown? CLOWN?!" The guards all turned their attention (and guns) toward him, leaving them unprepared when Frobisher leaped straight into their midst and started swinging.
  19. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: The Man Who Destroyed the World
    Fandom: The West Wing (AU)


    The cracked screen in the corner flared to life; every weary eye turned toward it, out of obligation rather than curiosity. Everyone knew who would appear: the man who had destroyed their lives, who'd destroyed the world.

    "...Oday... scored ...cisive victo... of freedom and..." His voice continued to drone, boasting of his army's great triumph -- slaughter would be more apt -- over the final remnants of Vinick's protest movement.

    He finished, and the screen went dark. Still, nobody said a word; they didn't dare. Even in the most ravaged of the nuclear wastes, they knew President Josiah Bartlet had spies everywhere.
  20. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: The Red Menace
    Fandom: Doctor Who
    Doctor: Seventh


    "Professor," Ace asked as she absently rocked the wooden horse, "why do these cellars always have the same junk in them?"

    "People tend to collect the same things," the Doctor explained. "Especially," he added, gesturing toward a large dollhouse, "if they ever have children."

    "And why is there always a fez?"

    He followed her gaze; the small, red hat sat atop an antique loom. "I thought you liked fezzes."

    "Fezzes are cool and all, but... was that one there before?"

    Sure enough, there was a second fez on a cluttered end table.

    "They're multiplying," he hissed. "There's another behind you."
  21. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Lost in the Midlands
    Fandom: Archer / The Archers


    Sterling was stepping into the local pub when his mother finally answered. "Where are you?" she demanded.

    "Hello to you too," he said. "The GPS was a POS, and now I'm LOS-T. Hold on." He caught the barmaid's attention. "Where am I?"

    "The Bull," she answered.

    He snapped, "The town!"

    "Ambridge."

    "Why does that name sound familiar?" Malory wondered. "I think we have cousins there. If anyone asks, give a false name."

    "Like what?"

    "You're a spy! Make something up!" She hung up.

    The barmaid asked, "What I get you, Mister...?"

    "Uh, Solomon Grundy."

    "Oh, arr, did you say 'Grundy'?"
  22. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Away on the Motorway
    Fandom: Torchwood


    When Tosh returned from the loo, she found Jack alone in the booth, staring out at the traffic on the M4. "Where's Ianto?" she asked.

    "Over behind the counter," he said, "trying to teach the waitresses how to brew a proper coffee."

    "How's that going?"

    Jack grinned. "As well as you'd expect." They heard shattering glass and two women screaming.

    Tosh wondered, "Do you think the others are having more fun back at the Hub?"

    "I sure hope not."

    * * *

    "Why," Owen yelled, slamming a new magazine into his gun, "did you let it out?"

    "I didn't mean to!" Gwen snapped.
  23. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Disguise the Limit
    Fandom: Get Smart


    "Professor, are you insane?" Max yelled. He turned to the Chief. "What kind of maniacs are we hiring nowadays?"

    "Agent Smart," the Professor explained, "these weapons are designed to resemble items you have around your home."

    Max fumed. "Guns that look like baby toys? Diaper grenades? If I even tried to bring these home, 99 would kill me!"

    "Surely he's joking?" the Professor asked.

    "I'm afraid not," the Chief said. "Is there something else we can disguise this equipment as?"

    "I have a gun that looks like a Playboy."

    "I knew it!" shouted Max. "He's trying to get me killed!"
  24. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: The Cubicle Farm
    Fandom: Doctor Who
    Doctor: Fourth


    "Sarah Jane, do you really think I would do something crazy?" the Doctor asked. Before she could answer, he leapt from his chair and picked it up. The reporters in nearby cubicles looked up from their work and watched as he jumped onto Sarah Jane's desk; he began spinning, holding the chair at arm's length. When he finally let go, the chair flew at a section of bare wall. Improbably, the wall shattered, revealing a darkened room and three tentacled aliens, who were as startled as the humans.

    Climbing down, he said, "I don't know where I get this reputation."
  25. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: A True Hero
    Fandom: Thor


    "You're our hero, Thor!"

    Thor turned and looked down at a group of schoolkids. "I thank you, kind children! But look not up to me for, verily, you are in the presence of a true hero!"

    "You mean our teacher?" a girl asked.

    "Uh, yes," he stammered, blushing, "she's a hero also!"

    "You meant that fireman over there, right?" a boy guessed.

    Another tried, "Or that cop?"

    "Yea, you are assuredly surrounded by worthy heroes all!"

    The girl wondered, "Then who did you mean?"

    "Why, this humble waffle cart owner!" Thor bellowed. "How does he make these things so tasty?"




    When I first wrote this back in April - I wanted to do something with the exaggerated, Hostess-ad version of the character - the punchline involved a different kind of food cart, one that's more common on the streets of New York. But then The Avengers came out, and it ended with that scene. So I've changed it. And yes, we have waffle carts here.
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