Story [Multi-Fandom] The Count's Drabbles (12/30: "Ancillary Intervention Services" (Community))

Discussion in 'Non Star Wars Fan Fiction' started by Count_Drabbu, Jan 1, 2012.

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  1. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Indy's Pet
    Fandom: Indiana Jones


    Jock took one look at the creature Indy held under his arm and shook his head. "No way am I going up with that thing."

    "Says the man with snakes on his plane."

    "Hey!" Jock yelled. "My babies wouldn't hurt a fly, but that's liable to peck your eyes out. Why do you want to bring it, anyway?"

    "She's been following me since Tuesday, and I don't have the heart to turn her away," Indy admitted. "Besides, can you imagine the look on Marcus's face when I bring back a living dodo?"

    "Well, you ain't doing it in my plane!"
  2. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Pilot Test
    Fandom: Darkwing Duck


    Goslyn watched as the villain's copter receded into the distance. "That's just great! With Launchpad away on vacation, how are we going to catch Quackerjack now?"

    "Relax, I've taken care of everything," Darkwing said. He let out a loud whistle, and the Thunderquack wobbled down toward them. "I hired a temp."

    The craft landed, and the hatch opened to reveal a sullen young dog. "This so wasn't in the job description," she muttered.

    Darkwing insisted, "It was too! Flying was at the top of the list!" He and Goslyn climbed aboard.

    "Yeah, well, my paperwork from the agency said filing."
  3. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Like a Black Hole
    Fandom: Doctor Who
    Doctor: Eleventh


    Amy asked, "So it's like a black hole?"

    "Yeah, sure, that's a great way to think of it," the Doctor said.

    She frowned. "I hate it when you do that. What's the matter with it?"

    "There's nothing the matter," he insisted, "except that it's wrong in every particular. But if it helps, you should absolutely go right ahead and keep thinking it."

    "Fine, hotshot. If it's not a black hole, what exactly is it?"

    The Doctor's explanation lasted five minutes and included charts and graphs. Long before he finished, Amy decided she'd just think of it as a black hole.
  4. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Virtual Realty
    Fandom: Psych


    Gus laughed. "Shawn, that's the nuttiest thing I've ever heard you say."

    "Don't exaggerate. It's not even the nuttiest thing you've heard me say this year," Shawn objected. "It's maybe fifth. And just like two of those four nuttier things, it happens to be true."

    "You think this is all a virtual reality simulation," Gus repeated.

    "I know it is. It's not even a good one. Look around you, Gus, and tell me you haven't noticed the world only has 16-bit graphics. We're living in a Super Nintendo."

    Gus said, "I liked the Super Nintendo."

    "Not the point, man."
  5. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Exclusions May Apply
    Fandom: Doctor Who


    "Will you excuse us, sweetheart?" Wilf pulled Sylvia into the other room. Once they were alone, he asked, "Are we sure this is such a good idea?"

    "Yes!" she snapped. "I think donating blood is a very good idea!"

    "But should Donna? After, you know, travelling with him?"

    Sylvia considered. "You think he may have taken her to South America or someplace?"

    "Possibly," he said. "We don't know, and she doesn't remember. She's been to other worlds, other times. Who knows what she encountered?"

    "You're right," she admitted. "How are you going to break it to her?"

    Wilf gasped, "Me?"
  6. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Medusa
    Fandom: Star Trek: The Next Generation


    Dr. Pulaski made a quick visual inspection of the ensign's corpse without instruments. "Commander Riker," she asked, "this planet we're orbiting around, are the natives sentient jellyfish of some kind?"

    "Yes," he said, mildly surprised. "How could you tell? Do you think they killed him?"

    "I can't say for sure until I've run tests to confirm it, of course," she explained, "but the external wounds are consistent with terrestrial jellyfish. On the other hand, they're too precise to be the work of an animal."

    A moment later, she added, "Yes, I know. And no, Starfleet doesn't pay me nearly enough."
  7. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: What It Appears to Be
    Fandom: CSI: Miami


    Horatio glanced down at the body. "What do we have?"

    "I'm not sure," Alexx admitted. "It's either a murder made to look like a suicide or a suicide made to look like a murder."

    "Well," he said, donning his sunglasses. "It looks like..."

    Everyone watched him expectantly. After a long pause, he yawned. "It looks like I have nothing."

    "Having trouble sleeping?" she asked. "Maybe you should take a nap and let someone else lead this investigation. Oh, and it's definitely suicide."

    He whipped off the glasses. "In that case," he said, putting them back on, "I... still have nothing."
  8. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Sock It to Me
    Fandom: Doctor Who
    Doctor: Seventh


    "Benny," the Doctor wondered, "why is there a sock hanging from the TARDIS door?"

    She tried hard not to laugh (and very nearly succeeded) as she explained, "I think it means that Ace has a guy in there and doesn't want us disturbing them."

    "Why would we disturb them, unless... in MY CONSOLE ROOM?" he roared.

    "What about your console room, Professor?"

    The Doctor and Benny slowly turned and found Ace standing beside them. "What are you guys looking at?" she asked.

    The Doctor pointed with his umbrella. "Did you put that sock there?"

    "Me? I thought it was Benny's."
  9. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Crate Expectations
    Fandom: Eureka / Mystery Science Theater 3000


    Jack let out a low whistle at the sight of rows upon rows of crates stacked almost to the ceiling. "What are these?" he wondered. "Old experiments?"

    "Probably," Allison explained, "but not ours. Not originally, at least. Global Dynamics sometimes acquires the assets of other companies." She showed him the readout.

    "Gizmonic Institute? Never heard of it."

    "Judging by what we've inventoried so far, I'm not surprised," she said. "It's mostly cheap junk and film reels of old movies."

    Jack grinned. "Good ones?"

    "The worst. We'd never even opened these or remembered they existed until Dr. Forrester found them."

    "Who?"
  10. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: The Reptile
    Fandom: Seinfeld


    Jerry and Elaine grinned as George trudged in. "So," Elaine wondered, "how was your date?"

    Jerry asked, "Did you finally get her to take off that costume?"

    "Oh, she took it off all right."

    "And?" Jerry pressed. "What's she look like under the lizard woman makeup?"

    "That wasn't part of the costume," George explained. "She really is a lizard woman."

    "Get out of town!" Jerry yelled. "You're kidding, right?" George shook his head.

    Elaine stared at him for a long moment. "George, did you have sex with her?" He nodded sullenly.

    "Tell us," Jerry said, "what was it like?"

    "Painful."
  11. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Kinda Like Ghosts
    Fandom: Ghostbusters


    "That's not really within our area of expertise," Peter said.

    "Your ad," the woman insisted, "says, 'Paranormal Investigation and Elimination.' One would certainly think that this counts as paranormal."

    * * *

    "Why did you say yes?" Ray shouted. "What do we know about slaying vampires?"

    "They're still undead, right? That makes them at least kinda like ghosts."

    Ray turned to Egon. "In other words, she was hot."

    Egon nodded. "On the other hand," he said, "Peter does raise an interesting question. How would our equipment designed for ghosts work on vampires?"

    "Thank you, Egon. I- Hey! Her being hot was entirely immaterial!"
  12. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Visiting Hours
    Fandom: The Goonies


    Jake and Francis peered through the Plexiglas at the tall, handsome man. Francis picked up the phone. "Who're you supposed to be?" he demanded.

    "Me Sloth." More slowly, he said, "Sorry, I am Sloth."

    His brothers stared, mumbling, "What? How?"

    Sloth deliberately pronounced, "I had reconstructive surgery," and smiled. "Chunk and friends get everyone to help pay."

    "While we're rotting in here," Jake complained, "you're out getting fancy facelifts? What'd we do wrong?"

    Sloth ignored the question. "Now people want me run for mayor," he continued. "But I say no. I have too much family baggage to be viable candidate."
  13. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Without a Clue
    Fandom: Better Off Dead


    Lane chuckled nervously and stared at the camera. "How clueless were my parents?" he repeated. "My mom didn't realize that my brother was mute until his wedding day. She had assumed for over twenty years that he talked normally but she just always missed it."

    "Was that before or after the divorce?"

    "After. And there's another example," Lane said. "They broke up in March and didn't discover until Christmas that they'd left each other for the same guy. They both invited him to dinner at our house. That was the same Christmas that my father came out of the closet."
  14. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: The Surprise in the Hat
    Fandom: Indiana Jones


    "What," the elderly haberdasher asked, "did you do to this hat?"

    "Well..."

    * * *

    From three stories up, Indy watched as his fedora landed on the street below, right in the path of a speeding motorcycle. Without slowing, the bike raced right over it, spewing green ichor over the ground.

    * * *

    "How did it fall out a window? And what is this mess inside?"

    "Maybe fall wasn't the right word," Indy admitted.

    * * *

    Indy was reaching across the nightstand for his fedora when he saw the snake's head rise from it. Shrieking, he immediately lashed out, sending the hat right out the window. "Whoops."
  15. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Salvage Wrongs
    Fandom: World of Warcraft


    Larz Breakpedal adjusted his ears inside his helmet before sealing the faceplate. "Remember," he said to the oaf he'd hired back in Booty Bay, "if you stop pumping, I die and you don't get paid."

    Minutes later, he was diving toward the spot where, if his calculations were correct, Uncle Jally's ship had gone down. If he could salvage it before his cousins, he'd be... having trouble breathing!

    He looked up, but there was no sign of the boat, just his severed air hose slowly sinking, and a giant shadowy shape swimming right toward him, its maw opened wide. "Again?"
  16. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: The Most Dangerous Class
    Fandom: Community


    "I swear," Dean Pelton insisted, "that the brochure only talked about six weeks exploring exotic wilderness. It didn't say one word about us being abducted so we could be hunted down for sport."

    Two cages over, Jeff said, "Don't worry, guys. I promise, we will get out of this."

    Abed shrugged. "I wouldn't be so sure about that. It seems more likely that we'll all be killed except for the prettiest one."

    Annie and Britta both grinned smugly, saw the other's smile, and scowled. Meanwhile, the dean sighed, "Jeffrey."

    "The innocent pretty one," Abed quickly amended, and Britta swore loudly.
  17. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Can you believe I'm still more than five months behind on these? This one was written May 18.


    Title: Gang Aft Agley
    Fandom: Babylon 5


    "There you are!" G'Kar shouted when he found Michael in Blue Sector.

    "Can this wait?" Michael asked, firing several quick shots through a doorway before ducking back. "I'm kinda busy right now."

    "As am I, but we must speak about this upcoming state dinner!"

    Michael signaled for two men to go through the door; both were blasted within seconds. "Zack has the arrangements!"

    G'Kar thrust a sheet at him. "Do you mean these?" They were plans from a wedding reception.

    "Fine," Michael said. "If I live through this, I'll deliver the real arrangements personally this afternoon."

    "That's all I ask."
  18. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Captain Stottlemeyer and the Canadian Confusion
    Fandom: Monk


    Leland rolled his eyes as Randy came into his office. "Cap," Randy asked, "do you think I'm Canadian?"

    "Not unless you lied on your resume," Leland said.

    Randy quickly said, "No! No, it's not that. It's just sometimes people mistake me for a Canadian."

    "Sometimes?"

    "Well, one time," Randy admitted. "It was this morning, actually. The staff at the coffee shop thought I was."

    "Is this the same coffee shop where you tried to get a discount last week by pretending to be Nathan Fillion?" Leland asked.

    "Yeah, and?" After a long, silent moment, Randy gasped. "Wait, is he Canadian?"
  19. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: In the Dark
    Fandom: House


    Wilson was sure his eyes were open, but he couldn't see anything. "House?" he called out.

    "Yeah?"

    "I think I've gone blind," he said.

    "You and me both," House told him. "That or it's just pitch black in here."

    "And where is here?"

    House said, "I was hoping you could tell me. What's the last thing you remember?"

    Wilson thought about it for a moment. "Your wedding to Stacy," he answered. "I'm standing next to you as best man. After that, it's all a blur."

    "I never married Stacy."

    "I was afraid you were going to say something like that."
  20. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Spider in the Web
    Fandom: Doctor Who
    Doctor: Fourth


    The Doctor could feel the threads of his scarf straining, and a few were already snapping under the strain of bearing his weight. Still, he resisted the temptation to climb back up; he clung to the fringe by his fingertips, dangling precariously far above the scheming Terileptils.

    And then he noticed that he was a few inches lower. He looked up and discovered that the pipe he'd tied the scarf around was sagging. Desperately, he started to pull himself up.

    * * *

    The Terileptils scurried over to see what had landed on their leader. The Doctor disentangled himself and stood up. "Geronimo?"
  21. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    I originally posted this in a response to a post on another board, where people started suggesting alternative ads.

    Title: A Siri-ous Matter
    Fandom: Doctor Who
    Originally Posted: May 24, 2012


    "SIRI, WHERE IS THE DOC-TOR? WHERE? WHERE?"

    "I have found several doctors' offices in your area. Here is a map."

    "NO, THE DOC-TOR IS OUR EN-EM-Y! WHERE IS HE? TELL US NOW!"

    "I don't understand the question. Could you repeat it?"

    "WHERE IS THE TIME LORD KNOWN AS THE DOC-TOR?"

    "I believe he is known by that name everywhere. Other names he is known by include the Oncoming Storm, Theta Sig-"

    "BUT WHERE IS HE LO-CA-TED NOW? HOW DO WE FIND HIM?"

    "I'm afraid I don't have that information. Would you like me to play some music?"

    "YES. ZY-DEC-O, PLEASE."
  22. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: You're a Card
    Fandom: How I Met Your Mother


    Barney set the cards in the middle of the table and waved his hands over them. He started to lean closer, but sat back suddenly when his turban almost slipped off. "Cut the deck," he said to Ted, "and the tarot shall tell your fortune."

    "You do realize those are baseball cards, right?" Ted asked.

    Barney rolled his eyes. "Yes, I'm not an idiot. But the magic shop had closed, so it was either these or Garbage Pail Kids. Don't worry, though. I have a cheat sheet telling me which card is which."

    Marshall wondered, "Who's Death?"

    "Alex Rodriguez, duh."
  23. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: My Cups Runneth Over
    Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer


    "Xander? Uh, Xander? Eyes up here, mister," Willow said, wiggling her fingers in front of his face.

    He shook his head and looked her in the eye. "Sorry, I got a bit distracted there."

    She squeezed her breasts together with her forearms. "So you like them?"

    "I'm a guy. What do you think?"

    "But do they look real?" she asked.

    "Not at all," he answered. "You look like you could topple forward at any second."

    She pouted. "The guy who sold me the spell said nobody-"

    "Will, you know I love you, but DDs will never look natural on you."
  24. NYCitygurl NSWFF Manager

    Manager
    Member Since:
    Jul 20, 2002
    star 9
  25. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Thanks. I hadn't realized until after I'd posted it that I'd put up a Buffy drabble on Halloween. Just worked out, I guess. One day, I helped some friends rearrange furniture, and afterward, we watched The Warriors, which I'd never seen before. That night, I wrote this.


    Title: Escaping the City
    Fandom: The Warriors / Doctor Who (8)


    Mercy looked out past the Wonder Wheel toward the rising sun. "I want to come with you. I want to travel."

    "Do you now? Have you ever been anywhere you couldn't reach by subway?"

    "No," she admitted, "but I know I'd like it."

    "You don't need me for that. There's a whole world right here waiting for you to discover it."

    Her defiant expression was undercut by the tears running down her dusty cheeks. "Please, Doctor, I want to see the universe as you've seen it."

    He studied her for a long moment. "Yes," he decided. "You can come along."
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