Story [Multi-Fandom] The Count's Drabbles (12/30: "Ancillary Intervention Services" (Community))

Discussion in 'Non Star Wars Fan Fiction' started by Count_Drabbu, Jan 1, 2012.

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  1. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Vitamin Me
    Fandom: How I Met Your Mother


    Barney grinned. "So I said to her, 'Why are you taking Vitamin C when you should be taking Vitamin Me.'" He didn't notice he was the only one laughing at his joke.

    "Really," Lily deadpanned, "you don't say. And what was her response?"

    He shrugged uncomfortably. "I don't remember."

    "Was it something like, 'I don't think you're supposed to be taken internally'?" Ted asked.

    Barney scoffed. "Uh, what? No! Why would you think she said anything like that?"

    Ted handed him his smartphone. "It's up on YouTube."

    Barney watched the video through a couple times. "I can work with this."
  2. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Geistlich
    Fandom: Star Trek: The Next Generation


    "No, no, no! Zis is all wrong!" the holographic teacher screamed. "You are not playing ze vay I have been telling you! Vhere is ze emotion? Vhere is ze feeling? You must play geistlich!"

    Reg tried to mentally unravel the untranslated word. "You want me to play like a ghost?"

    The teacher gestured emphatically as he ranted. "Nein, Mr. Barclay! Vit great feeling! Vit spirit! I must hear ze music of your heart, not just your head."

    "I'll never get the hang of this," moaned Reg.

    "You vill! And vhen you do, you vill be ze greatest triangle player ever!"
  3. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: The Infatuation Incitation
    Fandom: The Big Bang Theory


    "I assure you, Amy Farrah Fowler, that no human female has ever had a 'crush' on me," Sheldon insisted.

    "Unless," Leonard chimed in from the kitchen, "you count Howard's cousin."

    "Esther was not infatuated with me! We had a few pleasant conversations and one date two years ago, but that's all."

    Amy gasped. "You dated?"

    "He took her to her bat mitzvah," Leonard said.

    "That was more about upsetting her parents than any romantic intentions," Sheldon explained.

    "I imagine dating a grown man would do that," Amy agreed.

    "Oh, it wasn't that," Sheldon said. "It was because I'm not Jewish."
  4. NYCitygurl NSWFF Manager

    Manager
    Member Since:
    Jul 20, 2002
    star 9
    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] I love that :D (Partially because it's so true :p )
  5. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Thanks.

    Title: The Alley
    Fandom: Star Trek: The Next Generation


    Commander Riker cleared a winding path through the thick foliage, ignoring the varied small creatures scurrying out of his way. "Mister Data?" he called out. "Mister Worf? Are you in here somewhere?"

    "We are over here, Commander," Data yelled back.

    Following the sound of his voice, Riker soon found them standing at the end of a narrow lane that cut straight through the jungle. "Why couldn't you program the holodeck with a normal bowling alley?"

    "Despite appearances," Data explained, "this lane does conform with professional bowling regulations. And Mister Worf seems to prefer it."

    He snarled, "It matches my ball."
  6. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: An Indecent Exposé
    Fandom: The Simpsons


    Kent winced; he thought he'd destroyed this footage decades ago. On the monitor, some former anchorwoman whose name he'd long since forgotten -- though he was pretty sure he nailed her at some point -- was asking, "Kent Brockman, are you naked from the waist down?"

    A much younger Kent replied, "You bet. Glen does it all the time behind his desk, and as long as Smitty here only shoots me above the waist, what's the big deal?" He leaned close to the camera and whispered, "You are, right?" The camera's image nodded.

    "Kent," she yelled, "you're reporting from the town square!"
  7. NYCitygurl NSWFF Manager

    Manager
    Member Since:
    Jul 20, 2002
    star 9
  8. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Thanks.

    Title: Morning and a Myrka
    Fandom: Doctor Who crossover


    The two Silurians watched as the Myrka rose from the inky depths of the lake and began its slow march toward the nearby human settlement. By the time the sun rose in a few hours, it would be too late. First, this Pawnee would fall, and then all of-

    The shot hit the creature right between the eyes; it was already dead when it collapsed.

    * * *

    Ron Swanson examined the animal he had just killed. Behind him, Tom yelled, "What is that thing? Some kind of dinosaur?"

    "I don't know," Ron admitted. "I wonder if anyone's ever made dinosaur jerky before."
  9. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Gob's Wingman
    Fandom: Arrested Development


    "Uncle Gob," George Michael stammered, "I'm not sure this is such a good idea."

    It really wasn't.

    "Listen, kid, if you're going to be my wingman, you need to have more confidence. You can't be shy."

    George Michael nodded. "Fine. I'm confident that this is a bad idea."

    Gob glanced again toward the woman at the far end of the bar. "Why? What's wrong with her?"

    "She has snakes for hair."

    "Those are called dreadlocks," Gob insisted.

    They were snakes.

    "And the guys around her are all stone," George Michael added.

    Gob considered. "Okay, what about that redhead over there?"
  10. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: My Fan
    Fandom: Doctor Who
    Doctor: Fifth


    Peri glowered at the woman across the market square. "Doctor, who is that? She's been watching us for fifteen minutes."

    "Nearer thirty," he corrected. "I've never seen her before, not that I recall, anyway. Still, from the way she's been grinning, it's obvious who, or rather what, she is: a fan."

    "Of what?"

    He smiled. "Me."

    "Since when do you have fans?" she asked incredulously.

    * * *

    As the pair descended into squabbling, River decided she'd seen enough and went back to her shopping. But she was definitely going to have to mention this to her Doctor the next time they met.
  11. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Mr. Monk Flips the Bird
    Fandom: Monk


    "Why," Monk asked with obvious horror, "did you think I'd want that dirty, diseased creature in my home?"

    The bird squawked, "Cleaner than you are, buster!"

    "I doubt that very much."

    Natalie explained, "The guy at the pet store did say it was very hygienic, and when I saw that it was actually called a Monk Parrot, how could I say no?"

    "No," Monk said. "See how easy that was? Now take it outside."

    The bird flapped angrily. "Don't wanna go outside! Too many germs!"

    "How long did it take you to teach it that?" Monk asked.

    "About an hour."
  12. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Not on Your Nellie
    Fandom: The Office / Animaniacs


    "Dwight," Jim said, "I don't like Nellie any more than you do, but I don't think making petty insults is going to help us."

    "I'm not calling her chicken. I'm saying that Nellie Bootram is a chicken; she's a giant chicken in a cheap red wig." Dwight thought for a moment. "Okay, the 'cheap' part may be a petty insult."

    "No," Meredith interjected, "it's pretty cheap."

    Dwight asked, "Does anyone else here see that Nellie's a chicken?"

    Creed raised his hand. "I do, but I didn't want to say anything after nobody believed me about Angela being a talking eggplant."
  13. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Deus ex Machinations
    Fandom: Firefly


    "Madam President, the Party will not stand for this!" The Senator jumped onto the President's desk and aimed his laser pistol at her head.

    She sat calmly looking up at him. "Again?" she sighed. In that moment, she lashed out and kicked the desk out from under him. He fell forward, and she slammed the heel of her hand into his throat. She followed with a roundhouse kick, and he-

    * * *

    "River!" Simon yelled. "Wake up!"

    River glared at her brother. "Jerk. I was dreaming I was the President of the Alliance."

    "Was it exciting?" he asked.

    "No, just budget negotiations."
  14. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Like Clockwork
    Fandom: Doctor Who


    Fitz looked back at Trix and grinned as he entered the antique store. "You gotta learn to trust me. I've been doing this awhile." Moments later, the shop's front window shattered as the giant clockwork pterodactyl crashed through it before flying away.

    Fitz stepped through after it, and Trix pointed in the direction it had flown. He ran off, but she waited patiently; almost as soon as Fitz was out of view, the shop's owner came out.

    "Did you see the tall, skinny moron who broke my window?" he yelled. Instead of answering, Trix just reached for her charge card.
  15. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Internship Opportunity
    Fandom: Community


    The others looked up as Jeff entered the study room. "You seem puzzled," Abed observed. "But I can't tell if it's good puzzled or bad puzzled."

    Troy asked, "There's a good puzzled?"

    "I've been offered an internship for this summer," Jeff explained, "at one of the most prestigious firms in Washington, DC."

    Everyone congratulated him. "Then why aren't you happy?" Annie wondered.

    "I am, kinda. But I never applied for it. So who did?"

    "Don't look at me!" Pierce insisted.

    Shirley said, "Nobody was."

    "Good!"

    Jeff stared across the table. "But we are now. Pierce, what are you up to?"
  16. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Texas Tea Time
    Fandom: Dallas / Animaniacs


    "My daddy started this company," J.R. said, "and I'm not about to let three deranged puppy children steal it out from under me!"

    Yakko glanced toward his siblings, who just shrugged. "Uh, mister, we don't want your company. We want your hat."

    "It's worth six points in our scavenger hunt!" Dot added.

    J.R. laughed. "Why didn't you say so? I thought you were the new muscle that stupid Godpigeon was sending over."

    The office doors flew open, and three pigeons entered. "That would be us," Squit said. "We're the muscle!"

    Pesto screamed, "Did you just call me a bivalve mollusk?"
  17. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Irregular Dental Care
    Fandom: Doctor Who
    Doctor: Third


    "Tell me, Doctor, when was your last visit to a dentist?"

    For a moment, the Doctor considered lying; this dentist had been fully vetted by UNIT, but even the Brigadier was often sceptical of the Doctor sometimes. On the other hand, he thought, the instruments in his mouth would garble any answer beyond recognition anyway, so he told the truth.

    The dentist took a step back. "Did you say 1881?"

    The Doctor shrugged with his eyebrows.

    "Really?" the dentist asked. "Who was your dentist, Doc Holliday?"

    The Doctor shrugged again.

    "I see. I think I gave you too much anaesthetic."
  18. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: College Ill
    Fandom: Arrested Development


    "I don't know that I even want to go to college," George Michael said. "It's too expensive."

    "Don't be stupid!" his father shouted. "Of course you're going to college!"

    Maeby said, "I didn't even apply to any colleges."

    "Yet somehow you still got a full ride to Harvard," George Michael moaned.

    "No I didn't," she hissed. "That was Surely." She looked thoughtful for a moment. "When they offer you a full ride, is that just to the college or does it include the ride back, too?"

    Lindsay asked, "Do you want me to call the Harvard people and find out?"
  19. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: A Switch in Time
    Fandom: Doctor Who
    Doctor: Eleventh


    As the flash faded, Amy leaned against the console and grunted. On the other side, a vaguely familiar brunette woman was staggering to her feet. "Who are-?" Amy's voice sounded wrong. She looked down at herself; she was now a he! That meant... "Rory?"

    "Amy?"

    "What happened to us?"

    "I'd have thought that obvious," said the Doctor, as male as ever.

    "Got that part, thanks," Amy snapped. "But how did it happen? Why weren't you affected?"

    As the Doctor droned on, Amy and Rory ran from the room. "Where are you going?"

    Amy yelled, "I'd have thought that was obvious!"
  20. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Wounded Gazelle
    Fandom: Wonderfalls


    Jaye stared out the car window and for the hundredth time moaned, "Are we there yet?"

    Her mother had long since given up responding that, since they were driving through undeveloped pine forest, they were very unlikely to be anywhere yet. Instead, she asked, "Why did you really want to come on this trip?"

    "I haven't figured that out yet," Jaye admitted. "I was encouraged to." She didn't say by whom.

    "When we get to the hotel, maybe you can-"

    Something under the rental car's hood popped, and it suddenly slewed toward the shoulder. Mother and daughter swore in unison.
  21. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Recruiting Talent
    Fandom: Eureka / Phineas and Ferb
    Setting: After "Founder's Day"


    "What are you doing, Fargo?" Jo demanded.

    "Recruiting new talent for GD, what's it look like?"

    She said, "You're going to reveal our secret."

    "How?" Fargo asked. "Nobody could know that, in another timeline, these people already worked here. I, however, know they can do the job."

    "Is this about Julia?"

    "Duh, no! Also, she already said no. But what about some of these others?" He pulled up a file. "In our timeline, this was one of our best researchers."

    "And here," Jo countered, "he's evil. The word's even tattooed on his arm."

    "Maybe Heinz Doofenshmirtz wasn't the best example."
  22. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Ember Waves
    Fandom: How I Met Your Mother
    Rated: PG


    Clint slid into the seat across from Ted. "Well, since you asked, things aren't going so great."

    "I hadn't asked," Ted said, but Clint didn't seem to notice.

    "It's like the spark has gone out of our love life," he complained. "Last week, she asked that we change our safe word to 'the.'"

    * * *

    "Kids, at that moment, I swore I'd never tell you that your mother and I even have a safe word."

    * * *

    "What was wrong with 'Sisyphean'?" Clint wondered. "She told me she thought it was too hard to say, but I was the one wearing the ball gag!"
    Last edited by Count_Drabbu, Nov 29, 2012
  23. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Trivial Pursuits
    Fandom: Firefly


    Kaylee pointed to another bar across the street. "Maybe he's in that one."

    "No, that one looks too intellectual for Jayne," Simon said, pointing at a sign advertising the bar's weekly trivia contest.

    Behind them, River asked, "Simon, why are trivia contests always held in bars?"

    "Because they know you'd win if you were allowed in," he answered.

    "Obviously, but besides that, why?"

    The siblings smiled, and Simon explained to Kaylee, "It's a running joke from when we were little."

    Kaylee nodded. "So why do they have them in bars?"

    Simon guessed, "Some people need to be drunk to play?"
  24. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    Title: Detente and the Cold War
    Fandom: Community


    Troy nodded politely through Vice Dean Laybourne's pitch. "I see," he lied. "That's very interesting. So you know all of Greendale's ventilation shafts?"

    "Intimately."

    Troy grinned. "That means you know where Annie's Boobs is, right?"

    Laybourne spent a moment mentally parsing the question. "Ah yes, you mean the monkey. Let's just say that we have a... detente."

    * * *

    Laybourne raised his hand to deflect one pen, but the next bounced off his forehead. "Soon, you little creature," he growled up at the open vent, "you will run out of things to throw, and then where will- put that book down! Ouch!"
  25. Count_Drabbu Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2007
    star 2
    I wrote this one on the holiday in question, which should indicate how far I still have to go in my backlog of these things.


    Title: Back and Fourth
    Fandom: Get Smart


    Of all the days, Max thought, to get stuck on an undercover assignment. He and 99 had been planning to take the twins to see the fireworks over the Potomac; now he was going to miss it, and all because, of the two agents available, his British accent was better than Larabee's.

    Even worse was the dreadful woman from Texas who'd been pestering him constantly. "Lord Smedley," she drawled, "you don't have the Fourth of July in England, do you?"

    He replied, "Would you believe, we don't have the fourth of any month in England?"

    Yes, she would. "Wow, really?"
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