Story [Multi-Fandom] The Count's Drabbles (5/26: "Moving House" (The Addams Family))

Title: Mondays
Fandom: Doctor Who / Garfield
Doctor: Eleventh


"Why," the man in the bow tie asked, "do you hate Mondays?"

The question took Garfield aback. "You speak Cat?"

"I speak everything." The man grinned. "Why do you hate Mondays? I quite like most of them. Easily in my top four days of the week. Tuesdays, on the other hand, I avoid whenever possible. They're so dull and uninteresting."

Garfield raised his head and stared at the man for a long moment, as his mind tried to make sense of what it had just heard. Finally, he just jumped down from the sill and walked back into the house.

Title: In the Worst Way
Fandom: Torchwood


"Just how bad are we talking about here?" Rex demanded.

Jack shrugged. "That depends. Bad in what way?"

"I mean, what are some of the worst ways you've died?"

"If you mean worst in terms of violent deaths," Jack explained, "then I gotta go with being eaten. And the smaller the creatures, the worse it is. Piranhas are much worse than lions, but bugs are a million times worse than piranhas. Have you ever been eaten by ants? I have.

"But for sheer terror, nothing beats being buried. For millennia."

Rex snarled, "I'm really hating you right now, Jack Harkness."

Title: Shell Game
Fandom: Doctor Who


Davros studied the three Daleks in front of him. He knew that if he admitted aloud that he knew one of them was really his most hated enemy, the Doctor, but didn't know which one, the other two would immediately sacrifice themselves - and him - to destroy the Time Lord. It was the obvious logical answer.

It had one major flaw, however: Davros had no intention of dying anytime soon, or of getting stranded on this nameless rock. Of course, the very notion that his perfect creations could ever be flawed in their thinking was something else he could never admit.

Title: The Cap's Roast
Fandom: Firefly


Wash stood at the makeshift podium. "What can I say about Malcolm Reynolds that our other roasters tonight haven't already? Quite a few things, in fact, but he's my captain. And he's armed."

The rest of the crew chuckled.

"It's no secret that there have been times," Wash continued, "when I've been jealous of Mal's history with my wife. Recently, however, I've seen him naked, and now not so much. Well, maybe just a little. The teeniest, tiniest bit," he added, his voice rising. And then he noticed Mal unholstering his gun. "Right, moving on. How about that Inara, huh?"

Thanks.


Title: Alfie's Big Night
Fandom: Doctor Who


Craig looked over toward Sophie and shrugged. He couldn't follow this music any more than she could - when had they got old? - but it was important that they show their support for Alfie.

Their son, already in costume rushed over to their table. "Hi, Alfie," Sophie said.

"Mum, not so loud. Around here I'm-"

"Stormageddon, Dark Lord of All?" Craig asked.

"How did you know?" Alfie demanded.

"You called yourself that when you were a baby. I mean, not a baby. Babies don't talk, but little, yeah?"

"Funny," Sophie said, "I don't remember that."

Craig stammered, "Really? Uh, don't you?"

Title: The Disk from Heaven
Fandom: Conan the Barbarian


"By Crom!" Conan gasped. The giant disk slowly descended from the heavens and settled somewhere in the next valley. He quickly untethered his horse and rode on toward it.

By the time he found the object, the morning sun had risen. It was silver, as reflective as any mirror but somehow fluid. A hole opened in the disk's side, and three figures emerged. Conan wondered what manner of creatures they were before he realized they were merely humans in bizarre costume.

"Remember where we parked," the one in the lead said. "And this time, don't go stepping on any butterflies!"

Title: Ranks and Titles
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Ninth


The old man slammed his cane's silver head down on the desk, denting the wood. "Who do you think you are, boy, to talk to me like that? I am a former senator from the great state of Georgia!"

The Doctor barked out a laugh. "And I'm a former Lord President of the High Council of Time Lords on Gallifrey, but do you see me going around bragging about it? No!"

The old man just glared silently at him.

* * *

"Did you mean that?" Rose asked. "All that back there about being president of the Time Lords?"

The Doctor didn't answer.

Title: A New Tenant
Fandom: Dark Shadows / Sesame Street


"The Old House of Collinwood, where a new, terrifying evil has taken up residence, a being who is the very definition of a monster."

* * *

Elizabeth poured herself another drink. "Cousin Barnabas, we understand you have a new tenant."

"Yes, just for the summer," Barnabas explained.

"I would've thought it too dreary for a vacation home. No offense."

He shrugged. "None taken. Apparently, that's the very quality he was seeking."

"You must invite him over here for dinner one evening," she suggested. "We're all curious to meet him."

"I'm afraid that wouldn't be possible, Elizabeth. Oscar is rather the grouchy type."

Thanks.

Title: Under Pressure
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Sixth


Mel glanced up as the TARDIS doors opened. "Doctor!" she shrieked. "You're... skinny! Your clothes are just hanging off you!"

The Doctor stepped up to the console and closed the doors. "It's not what you think, Mel."

"Where's the scale?" she wondered.

"It doesn't matter," he explained. "I weigh the same as I did before. I'm just denser now because of the tremendous air pressure outside. I'll soon be back to my old self."

"Air pressure?" she asked incredulously.

"Your waifish frame would have been crushed instantly." He snapped his fingers. "Luckily, I had the girth necessary to survive it."

Title: Insert Token Here
Fandom: Masters of the Universe


"It's tokenism, plain and simple," Moss Man groused. Heroes at other tables looked away. "Lots of humans, but only ever one of any other race. How have you put up with it for so long?"

"Got used to it, I guess," Stratos said, poking at his salad. "Anyway, it's not any better over on Skeletor's side."

"But they're the bad guys. They're supposed to do bad things. And how about the fact that there's zero overlap between our tokens and theirs? 'One of your kind joined our enemy, so none of you get to be on the side of good.'"

Title: Time Cup
Fandom: Star Trek


"Captain's log, Stardate... nobody's sure anymore. For the past seven days, we have thought we were in orbit around Earth in the year 1066. But a recent discovery has cast serious doubts on all our beliefs."

* * *

"It's plastic?" Kirk asked incredulously.

Spock examined the cup in his hands. "While it appears to be a wooden cup consistent with this period in history, it is actually composed of polymer chains in advance of even Federation technology."

"Could it be alien?"

Spock said nothing as he handed the cup over to let Kirk read the embossing on its base: "Made in China."

Yes, I wrote this one on the day in question, which means I'm now about four months behind on posting these.


Title: Pirate Booty
Fandom: How I Met Your Mother


"Every year, GNB threw a party for Talk Like a Pirate Day, and every year, Barney joked that he was going to-"

* * *

"Snag me some pirate booty." Barney flipped down his eyepatch and growled.

Robin looked around at the crowd. About half the crowd were in full pirate regalia, maybe sixty percent if she counted the serving wenches. The rest were all in nice suits. "Barney, why isn't everyone in costume?"

"They are," he said. "It's mandatory."

A moment later, she realized. "They're dressed as you! Barney Stinson, have you been engaging in piracy?" she asked.

He snorted derisively. "Please."

Title: You Have Been Judged
Fandom: Dark Shadows


"Quentin Collins," the deep voice intoned. Quentin couldn't tell if it came from outside his head or inside it. "You have been judged and found wanting."

Quentin set down the book he'd been trying to read. "Who's there?" he asked as he rose to his feet. "What do you mean, 'Found wanting'?"

For a long moment, there was no answer. Now Quentin was more convinced than ever that it was entirely inside his head. Then he felt the brushing against his leg.

The small gray kitten looked up at him. In the same voice, it said, "My name is Mogadorn."

Title: The Morgenstern Exclusion
Fandom: The Big Bang Theory


"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

* * *

Penny blushed as she opened the door. "Leonard! I, uh, thought you guys had your fencing class tonight."

"We did," he said, "but we left early after Guess Who got kicked out."

"What did Sheldon do this time?"

Leonard laughed. "Ha! Gotcha! Sheldon's still there. He wasn't going to leave just because Raj got asked to."

Penny tried again. "Okay, what did Raj do this time?"

"Apparently they have a rule against quoting The Princess Bride," he explained. "Why is your date licking your counter?"

"I forget."

Thanks. Now I expect this will need no explanation whatsoever (especially since the "Lesser-Known Fandoms" thread is long gone).


Title: Two by Two
Fandom: The Avengers (UK) / Modesty Blaise


Willie studied the rival pair across the room. "Honestly," he said, "I could see meself spending a quiet evening or seven with 'er, but something about Steed gets right up my nose. How 'bout you, Princess? You seemed awful chummy with 'im earlier."

Modesty shrugged. "Perhaps. As for Mrs. Peel, though..."

* * *

"I can't stand that woman," Emma groused.

"Why, Mrs. Peel," Steed chuckled, "I wouldn't have figured you for the jealous type."

"Jealousy has nothing to do with it. I just don't trust her. What about you and Mr. Garvin?" she asked.

"You know, I don't think he likes me."

Title: Like Pokemon
Fandom: How I Met Your Mother


"So it's just like Pokemon?" Marshall asked.

Barney rolled his eyes. "No, it's completely different. Pokemon's about cute little creatures. This game's all about hot chicks."

"That you collect," Marshall said.

"Yes."

"And make fight against each other."

"In their underwear!" Barney added.

Marshall nodded. "So it's exactly like Pokemon, except with hot women."

"Which makes it nothing whatsoever like Pokemon," Barney insisted.

Ted walked in. "Hey, what's up?"

"Barney's showing me this new game app on his phone," Marshall explained.

Ted took a look. "I heard about that game. It's basically Pokemon for perverts."

Barney yelled incoherently and left.

Thanks.

Title: My Favorite Wives
Fandom: Firefly


Jayne Cobb sat back on his throne and smiled as his eighteen favorite wives and forty favorite children knelt before him in two perfect rows. He stepped down and walked between them, patting some of the younger ones on the head.

* * *

"Eighteen wives?" Kaylee gasped.

"Eighteen favorite wives," Jayne corrected. "I don't know how many total."

Wash said, "I never really pegged you for the marrying kind."

"It's different when you're king. Everyone has to obey you."

"Or they don't get to be one of your favorites?" Wash teased.

"Nah," Jayne said. "That's more about the wives with big knockers."

Title: The Worst Wedding Ever
Fandom: Four Weddings and a Funeral / Doctor Who


Gareth sat down on the edge of the bed and untied his shoes. "Still, I think young Charles will recover quite well from this whole ghastly evening."

"What's the worst wedding you ever attended?" Matthew asked.

"Funnily enough, I was pondering that very question earlier," Gareth said. "About seven years ago, I went to one where a guest was killed right outside. It was all very tragic.

"Except," he added, "sometimes, just sometimes, I remember it differently. He wasn't killed, but then giant flying bugs killed everyone else. Or something. It gets rather fuzzy."

"Were you drunk?" Matthew asked.

"Probably."

Title: Waking Gomez
Fandom: The Addams Family


Morticia tapped her sleeping husband on the shoulder. He sat up, yawning, just in time for an oncoming model train to miss his head. "Gomez, darling," she asked, "is there something different about you this afternoon?"

"I can't think what," he said. "I feel the same as ever, narcolepsy aside."

She studied him for a long moment. "Where is your moustache?"

"I lost it to Fester in a game of chance," he told her. "I wonder if that could be why I've felt so sleepy ever since then."

"Well, get it back from him. We have company coming over tonight."