Story [Multi-Fandom] UDC VII: Drabbles Unchained (Week 17: Darkwing Duck)

Here are my drabbles for UDC 7. Like last time, I will be writing each week's set in a different fandom:

Week 1: The Simpsons
Week 2: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Week 3: Arrested Development
Week 4: Torchwood
Week 5: Seinfeld
Week 6: Jurassic Park
Week 7: The Avengers (UK)
Week 8: 30 Rock
Week 9: Sherlock Holmes
Week 10: Law & Order
Week 11: Dark Shadows
Week 12: Eureka
Week 13: The Pretender
Week 14: Castle
Week 15: Maverick
Week 16: Red Dwarf
Week 17: Darkwing Duck

* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Infant Infiltration
Fandom: The Simpsons
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Baby."


Maggie stopped sucking on the suction cup end of the dart and put her pacifier back in her mouth before slotting the dart into the gun. She only had this one left; if she didn't get Gerald with her first shot, she'd be toast.

She peered around the corner into the living room; three of the octuplets were standing guard. She was planning her strategy when she heard footsteps. The gun was hidden by the time her mother scooped her up. "Maggie! Why aren't you in with the other babies?" Maggie grinned as she was carried right into Gerald's stronghold.


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Kook in the Kitchen
Fandom: The Simpsons
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Child."


Kent Brockman took one glance at the sign bolted to the front of the tiny kitchen set and shook his head. "Forget it," he said. "There's no way I'm doing the segment with that there."

"What's wrong with the sign?" his producer asked.

Kent launched into a tirade about both the implied insanity of the "Kooking with Kent" spelling and the obvious way the letters "rusty" had been inexpertly whited out before "ent" had been painted over them.

"Yeah, well, we can't remove it," the producer explained. "It's covering up the sign for the infomercial that usually uses this set."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Visiting the Vegans
Fandom: The Simpsons
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Teenager."


As soon as Marge and Lisa entered the vegan diner, the teenager behind the counter called out, "Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to leave the restaurant."

Marge turned to Lisa. "What am I doing wrong now? I left all my leather at home like you told me." Lisa shrugged.

"It's your necklace," the teenager answered, his voice squeaking. "Pearls are an animal product."

"Mom," Lisa hissed, "just explain that they're not real pearls, and he'll let you in."

Marge looked down at her daughter. "Honey, I'll be over at the Krusty Burger with Bart and your father."



* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Edna or Emmanuelle
Fandom: The Simpsons
Rating: PG
Notes: The challenge theme was "Adult."


"How can we allow this purveyor of filth, this foul temptress to bewitch our innocent children?" Helen Lovejoy wailed. Around her, other parents and concerned citizens muttered in agreement. "Principal Skinner, we insist that you fire this pornographic starlet at once!"

Edna barked a laugh. "Foul temptress? Porn starlet? I wish! The only one purveying anything here is you, lady. Besides, like we already told you, those movies weren't porn; all European films were like that in the seventies."

"We can see your areolas!" Helen screamed.

"Honey, Edna said, "my areolas haven't looked like that in more than twenty years."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Gristly Old Men
Fandom: The Simpsons
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Elderly."


Abe glanced over at Jasper. If they didn't escape soon, starvation was certain. For one of them, anyway. Not for the first time, Abe pondered what it'd be like to eat his friend's corpse. He imagined that Jasper would be stringy and leathery, just like the meat Abe remembered from childhood.

He realized he was staring when he noticed Jasper staring back. Abe moaned, "You're thinking about eating me after I die!"

"Who says I was gonna wait?"

The closet door opened, and the nurse glared in at them. "Have you two been in here the whole last ten minutes?"

Thanks. This week, TNG.


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: The Spark
Fandom: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Healthy."


"A little healthy skepticism is a wonderful thing," Q said, "but too much can be downright fatal."

The two Pakleds shared a confused glance, before turning back to face the strange man. "What?" they asked in unison.

Q snapped his fingers.

* * *

Across the galaxy, Pakleds suddenly understood. Everything. The secrets of the universe were laid bare to them, and they wanted it all. The smartest race in history desired nothing more than total conquest.

* * *

Q snapped again, and the Pakleds reverted to their former slow selves. The dawn of the Pakled Empire would have to wait. For almost eighty years.


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: The Less-Severely Wounded
Fandom: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Injured."


Nurse Ogawa led the medical team into Holodeck Two. "Guys," she yelled, "we got a bleeder!"

* * *

Wesley looked up from his replicated chicken and waved as Barclay hobbled into the Mess Hall. A moment later, the engineer sat down across from him, laying his crutches under the table.

"What happened?" Wesley asked.

"Counselor Troi asked me to join her in Commander Worf's martial arts class," Barclay explained.

"And he broke your leg?"

"No," Barclay said, "she did!"

Wesley leaned close. "Did you hear what happened to Commander Riker on the Holodeck?"

"I was there when they brought him into Sickbay!"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: A Hole in the Net
Fandom: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Sick."


As Doctor Crusher came into Engineering, she asked, "How's the patient doing?"

"My cognitive functions are down six percent," Data said calmly.

Geordi shook his head. "Your neural net seems fine, Data. I can't see how-"

"Data," the doctor interjected, "what other symptoms are you experiencing?"

"There is an unusual prickling sensation along much of the surface of my skin," he explained, pointing to several discolored areas. "It is most... annoying."

"You have an itch?" Geordi asked, smiling.

Doctor Crusher grinned too. "An itch so strong he's having trouble thinking straight. Congratulations, Data, you're one step closer to being human."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: The Wrong Syllable
Fandom: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Stressed."


"Commander Worf," Admiral Nechayev hissed, "your orders were to know that speech perfectly, every syllable, every tone."

"My apologies, but some of those sounds were never meant to be spoken by a Klingon mouth," Worf said.

"You made fourteen mistakes in a speech that lasted less than two minutes," Nechayev explained. "Fourteen. Three of those were among the vilest insults you could make to a Kelian. It's only because of sheer dumb luck that they're not at war with the Federation already."

"Dumb luck?"

The admiral shrugged. "Your eighth mistake is being called the greatest pun of the last century."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: The Link and Lag
Fandom: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Frustrated."


After forty seconds without progress, Captain Picard grunted and turned off the computer. He stood, tugged his uniform back into place, and called the bridge.

"Captain?" the duty officer's voice responded.

Picard asked, "Is something wrong with the computer system?"

"The subspace connection's laggy. Half the crew's downloading the new Swimsuit Issue."

"Ah." He wasn't about to admit he'd been trying to do just that. "Picard to Engineering."

Geordi answered within seconds. Picard began, "Our subspace link-"

"We'll just have to ride this lag out," Geordi explained. "Until then, I can lend you my copy of the Swimsuit Issue."

"Fine."

Thank you. And now, it's Arrested Development.


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Playing with Fire
Fandom: Arrested Development
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Attraction."


Lindsay came home to find her uncle sitting at the kitchen table playing with fridge magnets. He was using one to repel others along the table, and then he flipped it over and giggled as the other magnets came rushing back.

"Uncle Oscar!" she snapped. "You're supposed to be watching Maeby!"

"She's helping me," Oscar slurred. "She's very smart."

Her daughter entered the kitchen and went straight to the fridge. "I've been explaining how magnets work."

"I'm being very careful," Oscar told her. He whispered to Lindsay, "I don't want to accidentally break one and risk causing a nuclear explosion."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: A Swing and a Miss
Fandom: Arrested Development
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Love."


"I thought you two'd given up on the whole 'open marriage' idea," Michael said.

"Yeah," Lindsay whined, "but sometimes I need to make sure I've still got it, you know?"

* * *

Lindsay leaned over the net, putting her face close to the tennis pro's. He immediately leaned away. "Mrs. Funkë, what about your husband?"

She tried to put her finger to his lips but missed. "What about him, Josh? Sometimes I don't think I'm his type, if you know what I mean."

The pro grinned. "Really?"

* * *

"Next thing I knew," Lindsay said, "Josh was offering Tobias a ride to acting class."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: She Said, "No, No, No."
Fandom: Arrested Development
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Commitment."


Michael shook his head. "No, we're not putting Gangy in a home. How could you even think that?"

"I didn't," George Michael said. "I asked if you were going to send her to rehab."

"Oh, sorry, buddy. I must've misheard you." Before his son could comment, Michael pressed on. "Anyway, no. We're not putting her in rehab, either. Remember what happened last time?"

* * *

The facility's security footage showed a dozen orderlies and security guards rushing into a narrow hallway. Somewhere out of view, someone screamed, "How'd she get a sword?"

To this day, Lucille Bluth isn't allowed back in Oregon.


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Husband of the Hour
Fandom: Arrested Development
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Marriage."


Michael took a moment to look at the clock before he groggily answered the phone. "Gob, it's three in the morning. Call Mom if you need bail money."

"I'm not in jail, Michael," Gob scoffed. "I'm in Vegas!"

"Still not giving you money."

"And I think I might be married," Gob added.

"Still not giving- what, AGAIN?"

"You don't have to say it like that," Gob whined. "Name four times I've done this before."

"Okay, fine," Michael agreed. "We'll start in high school with Jenny-"

"Oh, I forgot about high school. Okay, name, uh, six times I've done this before."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Happy Anniversary
Fandom: Arrested Development
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Anniversary."


When the doorbell rang, Buster yelled, "I'll get it!" and ran to the door while the rest of the family continued talking. A couple minutes later, he came back, carrying a large pink box. "Who ordered a cake that says 'Happy Anniversary'?"

George glanced over at Lucille. "I think we did, but I don't remember why. What's today the anniversary of?" Lucille shrugged and took another drink.

Everyone else avoided making eye contact with Michael until after he asked aloud, "You mean besides my wife's death?"

George grinned. "Of course!"

"That must be it," Lucille agreed. "Now who wants cake?"

* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Bring In the Noise
Fandom: Torchwood
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Snow."


Owen's jaw clenched as Jack replied, "Shouldn't you call a technician? Bad TV reception isn't usually a Torchwood matter."

"My television's HD," he growled into the phone. "It doesn't do static; if it loses reception, the picture just goes black. Sound familiar?"

* * *

Suzie pushed into the store's computer department as the 'static' leapt from one display model to another. "Harper, get over here with that thing!"

Owen finally caught up and handed Suzie the gizmo Tosh had shown them.

* * *

"A case two years ago I wasn't involved in," Jack said. "Sounds soooo familiar. Remember what Tosh's 'thing' was called?"

"Uh..."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Three's a Crowd
Fandom: Torchwood
Rating: PG
Notes: The challenge theme was "Sand."


"I don't believe it," Gwen said.

"If anyone could do it," Tosh pointed out, "it'd be Jack Harkness."

As if on cue, the man himself entered the Hub. "Is there a reason my ears are burning?" he joked. "What alleged exploit of mine are you two ladies gossiping about? I hope it's salacious."

Gwen asked, "Were you really in a ménage a trois with George Sand and Frederic Chopin?"

"No." Gwen's triumphant grin faded when he continued, "I was in a threesome with her once, and a couple different ones with Freddie, but never with the two of them together."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: When the Levees Break
Fandom: Torchwood
Rating: PG
Notes: The challenge theme was "Water."


Rhys was standing at the stove when he heard something splash against the kitchen tile. Without turning, he said, "Butterfingers."

"Uh, dear," Gwen corrected, "that was my waters breaking."

Rhys accidentally dropped the spoon into the pot as he spun around, grinning madly. "Really?" Then he looked down at the floor and winced. "Okay, you go in the other room and lie down. I'll call the midwife."

"Right." She started to leave, then turned back. "And Rhys, call her before you clean up the mess."

Rhys stared at the paper towels somehow already in his hand. "Sorry, panicking a bit."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: The Mess You Leave
Fandom: Torchwood
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Heat."


Ianto quietly listened as Jack went on about the previous night's conquest. "We get back to his place, and it turns out he has an extensive collection of magazines that share their titles with movies starring actors who were in Heat. You know, Pacino, De Niro, whoever. Except for Heat itself, it was almost all porn."

"So you went home with a man who reads Heat magazine," said Ianto.

"I hadn't thought of that. You're right. He probably only had the porn to add an air of respectability to his Heat collection." Jack sighed. "I feel so cheap and dirty."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: You Better Think
Fandom: Torchwood
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Clouds."


Gwen stared up at the sheer edifice. The building radiated authority, and she couldn't help feeling intimidated. "How sure are we really that these guys are basing their research off alien technology?"

"Completely," Jack said. "The Thinkery has been exploiting the technology of dozens of worlds to become the most prolific patent mill outside Asia. Makes sense, since the founder's an alien himself. But don't worry. That's not why we're here."

"We're not going to shut them down?" Gwen asked.

"Only if Soc doesn't cough up the twenty quid he owes me. Now look mean; you're here as my muscle."

Thank you. It's not every day I get to answer a challenge with an Aristophanes reference. For this week's set, I was inspired by the fact that four of the five themes were homophones.

* * * * * * * * * *

Title: The Sikh
Fandom: Seinfeld
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Seek."


Elaine stumbled into Jerry's apartment. Once she recovered her breath, she announced, "I'm converting to Sikhism!"

"Is this for a man or a job?" Jerry asked.

"How can you even ask me that?" she yelled. "Who do you think I am? George?"

He repeated, "So is this for a man or a job?"

"Fine! It's for both! Mr. Singh, who's one of the vice presidents - I don't remember which department - has this really cute nephew, and he..."

As she trailed off, she sank to her knees. Tears welled up in her eyes. "Help me, Jerry," she moaned. "I've become George!"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: The Snique
Fandom: Seinfeld
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Sneak."


Kramer whipped the curtain away from the large mockup ad. "Huh? Huh?" he asked hopefully.

George and Elaine stared at it, tilting their heads one way and another before wondering aloud, "What is it for?"

"Snique!" Kramer exclaimed, running his hand under the ad's sole word.

"But what is that?" Elaine pressed.

George shrugged. "Two levels not as good as unique?"

"It's Snique! Snique!" Kramer insisted. Still, the others seemed none the wiser. Kramer looked past them to where Jerry sat eating. "You know what it is, right? Tell them!"

"Are you sure," Jerry mused, "that it's not pronounced 'Snick'?"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: The Steel
Fandom: Seinfeld
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Steal."


Jerry easily parried his father's sluggish swing with his own blade, then stepped back before the elder Seinfeld could bring his weapon around for another attempt. "You're tiring, old man," he taunted.

Any response was cut short as the door opened, and Kramer slid into the apartment. "Hey, Jerry. Hey, Morty." He completely ignored their swords as he walked around them and plopped onto the couch. He grabbed the remote and turned on the television.

Jerry huffed. "Uh, Kramer, do you mind?"

Without turning around, Kramer waved dismissively and said, "No, no, you two go right on ahead with whatever."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: The Cher
Fandom: Seinfeld
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Share."


"Tell me again, George," Elaine said, "why you're going to the Halloween party as Sonny Bono."

Instead, Jerry answered, "It's a couple's costume thing. His girlfriend's going as Cher, so he's gotta be Sonny."

"Why can't he be Gregg Allman?" she asked.

George pointed at her as he yelled, "Thank you!"

"George as Gregg Allman? Really?" Jerry replied. "Anyway, you wouldn't catch me doing a couple's costume."

"Not even if you got to dress as Superman to her Lois Lane?" Elaine asked. "Or Han Solo to her Princess Leia?"

"I have to admit, I would make a great Han Solo."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: The Cell
Fandom: Seinfeld
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Sell."


Jerry didn't uncross his legs as he slowly shifted ninety degrees so he could stare at a different wall for the next few hours. He was not going to let this time in solitary confinement - however long it had been - get to him. It wasn't his fault he was here. Okay, that was a lie; he had knifed that guy in the yard, after all.

* * *

He awoke with a start. "Sorry, prison flashback," he muttered before he realized he was on the C train. He grinned at the old woman sitting beside him. "You know how it is, right? Right?"

* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Man of Action
Fandom: Jurassic Park
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Serious."


The figure in the dark green turtleneck adjusted it to better hide the scars on his throat. He then pulled on the black leather gloves, one also hiding ancient damage and the other to keep him from looking like Michael Jackson.

He donned his sunglasses and checked his reflection. "Almost can't tell," he rasped. After he finished by putting on his shoulder holster and company badge, Dennis Nedry left the hotel room.

* * *

In the lobby, Ian Malcolm's first words to him were, "Have you lost weight?"

"Shh, or being poisoned and partially eaten will become the hot new diet fad."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Delay of Game
Fandom: Jurassic Park
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Silly."


Manuel looked out at the overrun cricket pitch and sighed. Luckily, nobody had been hurt, but it would take days to repair the damage the compies were causing. He glared back at Julio. "This is all your fault."

In the years since the tiny dinosaurs had reached the mainland, they had become a common and sometimes deadly pest, first in Costa Rica, then spreading outward. And that was why, he fumed, when your compy fence had a hole, you fixed it immediately.

"I was going to do it in the morning," Julio protested.

"You've been saying that for two weeks!"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Junket Science
Fandom: Jurassic Park
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Charming."


"We're back in two!" a voice announced from the booth as the makeup staff swarmed onto the set to touch up the anchors' faces. "What about me?" Ian asked.

"You're perfect, Dr. Malcolm," one said.

Ian leaned across the desk toward the female anchor. "You hear that? I'm perfect. So, ah, I thought we had real chemistry here. Maybe after this interview, you and I could, uh, go out for drinks or something."

"I don't date guests," she replied. Nodding toward her colleague, she added, "My husband's been known to, though."

"You're never going to let that go, are you?"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: One Final Gesture
Fandom: Jurassic Park
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Rude."


As Ellie raced for the stairs, desperate to put as much distance between herself and the raptors as she could, her foot brushed against something. In the part of her mind that noticed it, she worried that it might be another part of Ray, like the arm she'd found earlier. So she didn't so much as glance down and had forgotten all about it within seconds.

Her worry had been right; it had been something of Ray's: his other hand. In a final, futile act of defiance, Ray had tightened it into a fist, except for the raised middle finger.


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: A Happy Meal
Fandom: Jurassic Park
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Funny."


Three days after the Tyrannosaur's rampage through San Diego, as the list of the victims was still being compiled, someone discovered the secret of one of the dead. Max Dunlevy, on the last evening of his life, had been working as a party clown.

As word spread, on television, in the papers, and through the nascent internet, news anchors and headline writers around the globe all made variations of the same joke: "I bet he tasted funny."

Despite rumors to the contrary, a few people did laugh at the joke. They just all happened to be the ones telling it.

Despite rumors to the contrary, a few people did laugh at the joke. They just all happened to be the ones telling it.

Not unlike the fact that the Lawyer getting eaten was funny for everybody... only not the lawyer himself because he got eaten...

...and what was the gadget the messed up the reception on the TVs up there?

It wasn't the gadget that messed up reception. The creature was messing up the televisions; the gadget was to capture the creature. And now, we're needed.


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Weather or Not
Fandom: The Avengers
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Stormy."


Steed paused. At the other end of the hallway, in front of a large window, stood two young girls in school uniforms. As he looked closer, he could see that they were twins, identical in every aspect except hair colour. He smiled. "Who might you be?"

The girl whose long, straight hair was jet black answered in a monotone, "I'm Sunny."

The girl with stark white hair added equally robotically, "I'm Stormy."

In unison, they asked, "Would you like to play with us?" and levelled pink Tommy guns.

He pushed by and crashed through the window, shouting back, "Maybe later!"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Tara Under Glass
Fandom: The Avengers
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Trapped."


Steed tapped playfully on the thick glass, but Tara just stood on the other side and glared. She hadn't swum back up for air in almost thirty seconds; she really did have remarkable lung capacity, he mused.

He shrugged, feigning confusion. She held up three fingers. "Ah, charades!" he yelled. "Three words? Get you out?" She touched her nose. He glanced around, then shrugged again. "How?"

She pointed behind him, and he turned. Among the trophies stuffed and mounted on the far wall was a large swordfish, maybe ten feet long. Some days, Steed thought, he really loved his job.


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Escape
Fandom: The Avengers
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Escape."


Emma found Steed at the bar, holding a drink that didn't seem at all his usual style. "What is that in your hand?" she asked.

Steed smiled. "Ah, Mrs. Peel! My new friend Ramon introduced me to this. It's called a..."

He turned to the bartender, who said, "A Piña Colada, sir."

"Exactly," Steed agreed. "Ramon, one of these for Mrs. Peel, and a bottle of your best champers. It's time to celebrate!"

"Celebrate what?" Emma wondered.

Ignoring her, Steed glanced outside at the darkening sky. "Might rain. Wouldn't want to get caught out in that without an umbrella, eh?"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: And Not a Drop to Drink
Fandom: The Avengers
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Rescue."


Steed sat on the edge of the church's spire - the only part still above the water - and played Patience by the light of an electric lantern as he waited for morning. The deck he'd found in the vestry was missing a few important cards, but Steed had adapted.

And then a sudden gust blew most of the rest of the cards into the water. Clutching his bowler, Steed looked up to see a helicopter descending toward him. A rope ladder unfurled beside him, and Cathy Gale leaned out of the chopper's cockpit. "What are you waiting for, Steed?" she asked.


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Kick It Up
Fandom: The Avengers
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Recovery."


Emma's right foot slammed into the third villain's chest, knocking him smashing back through the wooden fence. She didn't bother lowering it as she spun around on her heel toward the fourth and last. He tried to dodge back out of its way, but she switched and swept with her left, then followed with a karate chop to the neck. He sprawled and lay still.

Steed, who hadn't helped at all, stood by the garden gate and clapped. "I say, Mrs. Peel, excellent recovery."

"Recovery?" she asked.

"From that little stumble there about halfway through," he said, grinning.

"I never!"

* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Err Play
Fandom: 30 Rock
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Mistakes."


"Okay, folks," Liz announced as she circled the table, "we need sweeps stunts! Let's hear some pitches!"

Toofer raised his hand. "I did have one idea. We could do an episode where we intentionally slip in dozens of mistakes, like misspelled signs, flubbed dialogue, and funny background stuff. And then we let viewers email in with all the ones they catch. We could even offer prizes for whoever finds all of them first."

Liz harrumphed. ""Haven't you ever watched our show? How are people supposed to distinguish between the intentional mistakes and all the unintentional ones we make every week?"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Join the Club
Fandom: 30 Rock
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Corrections."


Jack waited until Tracy was seated before he announced, "I have good news. I've arranged for your novel to be The Today Show's Book Club selection for next month."

Tracy jumped to his feet. "No way!" he yelled. "I'm not gonna do it!"

"But this is a big honor," Jack insisted.

"Forget it, Jack Donaghy! Being in a book club can only cheapen the seriousness of my novel and compromise my integrity as a artist! Good day!" He started to storm out.

"Tracy, the book was entirely ghostwritten," Jack pointed out.

"Fine, it'd compromise my ghostwriter's integrity as a artist!"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: The Raw Prank Redemption
Fandom: 30 Rock
Rating: PG
Notes: The challenge theme was "Prank."


"This is so unfair, Liz!" Lutz whined. "You don't yell at the others when they pull pranks on me!"

Liz held up one finger. "First, yes, I do. I yell at them all the time."

"Only when the pranks in some way inconvenience you," he pointed out.

She looked at him askance for a moment before raising a second finger and continuing, "Second, you went way too far this time. Way too far."

"Frank Rossitano is the reason I'm completely bald."

She glanced at his receding hairline. "Lutz, you're not completely bald."

He whispered, "I wasn't referring to my head."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Shoe Business
Fandom: 30 Rock
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Sabotage."


As soon as Jack stepped up onto the stage, he started sniffing the air. "Jonathan, what is that stench?"

"I don't smell anything, sir."

Jack paced back and forth, then stopped in front of the trivection oven display model. He opened the door and staggered back. "Someone cooked their shoes in my oven! Right before my presentation! It smells like an arson fire at a Foot Locker!" He paused. "Wait, no. A Lady Foot Locker. Lemon!"

"I swear I was just trying to dry them," she protested. "I stepped in a puddle on 51st."

Jack glared. "And?"

"They, uh, melted."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: J/K
Fandom: 30 Rock
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Revenge."


"Vengeance shall be mine!" screamed Jenna.

Liz heard her from three floors down and rushed up the stairs. As she staggered into Jenna's dressing room, she blurted, "What's happened now?"

"This rag misspelled my name!" Jenna threw a newspaper at Kenneth, who handed it to Liz.

"'Kenna Maroney'?" Liz read. "As typos go, that's not so bad. I was worried they'd called you 'Jenna Moroney' again."

"Don't you get it?" Jenna insisted. "Kenna's the term fans use for shipping me with Kenneth here."

Liz said, "I really don't think that's a thing."

"Oh, it's a thing, Liz. It's a thing."

I didn't include them, but if you'd like, feel free to imagine the words "The Adventure of" in front of some or all of these titles.

* * * * * * * * * *

Title: The Master of Elusion
Fandom: Sherlock Holmes
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Enemy."


Holmes collapsed the telescope and handed it back to me. "There is no doubt about it, Watson! That is indeed my old nemesis, Professor Moriarty."

"I knew that bounder looked suspicious!" I ejaculated.

"Oh, not the figure in the dark coat," Holmes corrected. "He is merely one of Moriarty's myriad subordinates. No! Moriarty is the one on the right."

Disbelieving what I had heard, I reopened the telescope and looked myself. "I merely see a small girl, perhaps eight or nine years of age."

"That," explained Holmes, "should prove to you just how talented a master of disguise Moriarty is!"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: The Stricken Sleuth
Fandom: Sherlock Holmes
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Attack."


Lestrade expressed his condolences, while Mrs. Hudson wailed all the way back down the stairs. I closed the door and grinned.

"I fear, Inspector, you've been caught up in a minor deception," I admitted. "Holmes has nothing more serious than a case of ennui."

"Minor?" Lestrade protested. "I'd been told he was dying!"

"A necessary ruse," Holmes explained. "For the past four days, I've been working down at the docks as I pursued a case, while the good doctor maintained the illusion that I was on my deathbed here."

"Have you cracked it?" I asked.

He nodded. "And three others."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: The Winding Narrows
Fandom: Sherlock Holmes
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Negotiate."


"The game is afoot!" Holmes plunged headlong into the narrow alleyway. Desperate not to be left behind, I raced after him. My friend negotiated the warren of passages with an alacrity as boundless as his earlier languor.

I struggled to keep Holmes in view; of the miscreant he pursued, I saw no sign. My earlier fears had intensified, as I was sure that if I became lost in there, I'd never escape.

And then, with little warning, we were out and back onto a major thoroughfare. I still didn't see our quarry, but Holmes was now chasing a fleeing hansom.



* * * * * * * * * *

Title: The Cause of Peace
Fandom: Sherlock Holmes
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Truce."


Mycroft Holmes didn't even rise from his desk as we entered. "The ambassador from Kosovo had wanted to thank you personally for your part in unmasking the traitor and assuring a successful conclusion to the treaty negotiations. I politely declined on your behalf, of course."

"Of course," was all his brother muttered.

"So I must convey them in his stead. 'Thanks to you, a fragile truce may become a lasting peace.'"

I'd barely begun to smile when both Holmeses turned to me and commanded, "Don't even think it!"

I fear my subsequent attempts to feign ignorance were less than successful.



* * * * * * * * * *

Title: The Other Woman
Fandom: Sherlock Holmes
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Friend."


I had almost made it through the door to our rooms at 221B when I heard Holmes behind me asking, "Who is she, Watson?"

"Why, Holmes," I lied even as I turned around, "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Do you really think I haven't observed your habits in the months you have lived here?" He explained, "You're wearing no fewer than five articles you only don when entertaining one of the fairer sex."

"If you must know," I shot back, "I'm dining tonight with Colonel Cranmer's daughter."

"Odd, I wouldn't have thought that you were her type."

* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Sucker’s Bet
Fandom: Law & Order
Rating: PG
Notes: The challenge theme was "Sky."


Mike entered the hotel room to find his partner, Phil Cerreta, already standing over the naked corpse of a man lying near the bed. "Lemme guess," Mike said, glancing over at the handcuffed woman crying in the corner. "Lovers' tiff?"

Phil nodded. "Adele over there discovered that her boyfriend of six hours, Raymond here, only went out with her because of a bet. After sleeping with him."

"So she shot him?" Mike asked.

"Nine times, at least three after he was already on the floor. I guess she's never seen Guys and Dolls."

Eventually, Mike replied, "Yeah, neither have I."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Sun
Fandom: Law & Order
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Sun."


As the officers trooped into her office, Lieutenant Van Buren asked, "Find out anything in the archive search?"

Ed said, "I learned that New York used to have a newspaper called The Sun." Behind him, Lennie snorted derisively.

"Is something the matter?" Van Buren wondered.

"He's just upset," Ed explained, "that I didn't know about a newspaper that stopped publication how many years before I was born?"

Lennie turned to Van Buren, but she cut him off before he could speak. "Before you say something you'll regret, I was born a couple years after it folded myself."

He scowled silently.


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Jack Knows
Fandom: Law & Order
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Moon."


"What is your secret?"

Jack looked up from his paperwork. "I hadn't realized you were still here, Mr. Cutter. Don't you have a case you should be preparing for?"

"How do you do it?" Michael persisted.

This time, Jack didn't bother looking up. "Do what?"

"Come on, I've seen clerks fresh out of law school gazing adoringly whenever you walk by, and it's no secret how many of your ADAs you've slept with."

"Isn't it?" Jack wondered. "Just how many do you think I've had?" Michael held up some fingers. "You're off by two," Jack corrected him.

"In which direction?"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Doing Interviews
Fandom: Law & Order
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Stars."


After seven hours of interviews, Detectives Lupo and Bernard finally shuffled into a break room and sat down.

The real A-listers, the stars with enough clout do so, left right away after agreeing to speak to officers in the morning. The rest had to be interviewed in the theatre.

Of course, whether the police liked it or not, the level of celebrity (and power) determined who got interviewed when. The detectives hadn't seen anyone they recognized in over five hours.

"I don't think," Lupo moaned, "I'll ever be able to see a movie or watch a TV show ever again."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Culpability
Fandom: Law & Order
Rating: PG
Notes: The challenge theme was "Lightning."


Streaks of blue electricity crackled over the length of the Manhattan Bridge. It lanced through dozens of cars, frying their trapped occupants. Those on the foot and bike paths fared no better. But the worst carnage came in three packed subway trains, turned charnel houses in an instant. Fires along the bridge kept rescue crews at bay for hours afterward.

* * *

Arthur took off his reading glasses. "You want to charge who with murder?" he asked again.

Jack remained undeterred. "If the paint had been nonconductive like it was supposed to be," he reiterated, "far fewer people would be dead now."

* * * * * * * * * *

Title: The Cult of Youth
Fandom: Dark Shadows
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Fun."


Barnabas and Roger pulled their hoods forward to hide their faces. They doubted anyone in this cult was more than thirty years old, and they didn't want to be caught before they'd found David.

They'd barely begun when, as one, everyone turned toward the dais. A tall figure stepped forth and lowered his hood; his hairless skull gleamed in the light of the braziers. "We," he intoned, "are the Young!"

Cultists cheered, and the two Collins men glanced warily at each other. The man continued, "We shall set the world on fire, and we shall burn brighter than the sun!"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: The Play's the Thing
Fandom: Dark Shadows
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Play."


Elizabeth frowned when she heard the front doors open and close. She loved her brother dearly, but she dreaded the thought of interacting with his new bride, Cassandra.

She downed her drink before going out into the hall. "Roger, how was Boston?"

Before he could answer, Cassandra gushed, "It was glorious! Roger took me to see the most delightful little comedy!"

"My dear," Roger asked, "would you excuse us? I need to discuss business with my sister."

Cassandra said, "Of course, darling," and went upstairs.

As soon as she was gone, he whispered, "Elizabeth, I took her to The Crucible."



* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Showdown Among the Ruins
Fandom: Dark Shadows
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Laugh."


Quentin froze as the hideous laughter echoed through the ruin. "Did you really think you could escape me so simply, Mr. Collins?"

"What can I say?" Quentin quipped. "I live in hope."

The ghostly figure coalesced in front of him. "Now you will die in terror!" Before it could act, Quentin drew his revolver and fired three times. "Fool! I am not so easily killed." It reached out, and Quentin flew back and crashed through the crumbling wall.

A moment later, Quentin stepped back out and calmly brushed away some of the dust on his clothes. "Neither am I. Fool."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: A Part of the Game
Fandom: Dark Shadows
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Games."


Professor Stokes found the children sitting around a board on the floor. "Where did you get that?" he demanded.

"We found it upstairs," Amy said.

"You must stop playing that at once!"

"Why?" David wondered. "It's just a board game. Nothing's going to hap-"

* * *

"Pen." David gasped as Amy quickly pulled him onto the sidewalk, out of the path of speeding traffic.

"Where are we?" she asked.

"I don't know, but it sure doesn't look like anywhere in Collinsport. Look!" He pointed up at a street sign and whined, "We're on Mediterranean Avenue! That's the worst street in the game!"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Stolen Summer
Fandom: Dark Shadows
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Vacation."


David moaned and started to slam his textbook closed, but Victoria placed her hand on it, holding it open. "We're not finished with math yet," she said calmly.

"Aww, but it's a beautiful day outside!" he complained. "Why can't I study out there today?"

"Because you get distracted too easily," she answered.

"You know," he said, "if I went to school like regular kids, I'd be out on summer vacation now, and I wouldn't have to do any math at all!"

She peered down at him. "Now remind me, David. Why aren't you in school with the other kids anymore?"

Thanks.

* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Dr. Popular
Fandom: Eureka
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "See."


"Of course not everyone in the world hates Dr. Parrish," Fargo explained. "Only those people who've ever met him."

"That's called jealousy," Parrish said.

"Surely it can't be as bad as all that."

Fargo laughed. "Oh it can. Dr. Parrish, how many countries are you no longer allowed in?"

"Seventeen, Dr. Fargo," he answered. "But four of those only did it preemptively, the cowards."

"Says the man denounced by the Vatican," Fargo taunted.

Parrish scoffed. "Ah, that's where you're wrong. It's a common lay mistake; the Holy See is often confused with the Vatican itself, but they're entirely distinct entities."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Stark's Trick
Fandom: Eureka
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Hear."


Allison smiled as Nathan strode into her lab, but her joy was muted. "I thought you had a hearing with a certain Senate subcommittee to attend this afternoon," she said.

"And as far as they know, I'm having a video conference with them as we speak," he explained.

"Oh, really? How are you managing that?"

He answered, "Hologramatic avatar."

"What poor shlub did you rope into operating it?" she asked.

"Fargo. Before you judge, I warned him what would happen if he failed me."

Just then, Fargo ran down the hall, screaming, "Stark's gonna kill me! Stark's gonna kill me!"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Touch Typing
Fandom: Eureka
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Touch."


Zane waved his hand over the sensor, and a glowing virtual keyboard appeared in the air at his fingertips. He typed a quick message then nudged the keyboard toward the sheriff. It hovered over smoothly and stopped right in front of Jack.

"Go on," Zane said, "type something. Just reach out and touch the keys like you would any other keyboard."

"Yeah, I grasped that part, but what am I supposed to type?" Jack asked.

"For starters, you could try answering my question." Sure enough, the sentence "Is this cool or what?" hovered over the keyboard.

Jack carefully typed, "What."



* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Field of Study
Fandom: Eureka
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Sense."


Even as the anomaly quietly throbbed in the middle of the clearing, Henry was busy staring at the waveforms and abstract shapes flashing across his monitor. "This can't be right. Allison, do these readings make any sense to you?"

"No," she admitted.

Soon, every scientist on the site was standing around the monitor, trying to decipher the results. And then Henry heard chuckling. "Can we help you, Jack?" he snapped.

"Come over here a second." Reluctantly, Henry joined Jack at the clearing's edge. And he groaned. Without another word, Henry strode back and rotated the monitor the right way around.


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Morning Joe
Fandom: Eureka
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Smell."


Jack stepped out of the station and took a deep breath. Of all the smells that had permeated Eureka, this was one of the most pleasant. He'd take the deep, rich aroma of coffee any day over that sour cabbage stench that had blanketed the town for a week the month before.

His phone rang. "Jack," Allison's voice shouted, "you have to get everyone inside now!"

Jack winced; he knew where this was headed. "This is about the coffee smell, isn't it?"

"That's not coffee. It's hexathermine gas," she explained. "More than a few minutes' exposure could melt your lungs."

Thanks.

* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Code Dependent
Fandom: The Pretender
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Past."


Broots pushed the keyboard away in frustration. "I can't do it, Miss Parker."

"You're useless," she grunted.

"What can't you do?" Sydney asked.

"There's one firewall I can't get past," Broots explained. "I need a code, but if I enter the wrong one, kablooey."

Miss Parker sneered. "I stand by what I said."

"Come on," he whined. "This is Jarod we're talking about here. He's not just going to let me in until he, uh, wants me in." He considered for a second. "When you call me useless, do you mean at this job or as a human being?"

"Guess."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Present Day
Fandom: The Pretender
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Present."


"I'm familiar with the concept of presents," Jarod said. "Birthday presents, Christmas presents, Valentine's Day presents to your girlfriend." Some of the boys around him expressed their disgust at that one. "But," he continued, "I wasn't aware today was a big day for giving presents."

"Oh yeah," Daquan explained, "it's... uh..." He turned to his friends, all of whom started trying to think of something to say.

Near the back, Chris offered, "Present Day?" Several boys were disappointed at this answer, but the rest immediately latched on to the idea.

Jarod teased, "I remember now. The traditional present's socks, right?"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Jarod on the Bubble
Fandom: The Pretender
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Future."


Jarod's computer search was interrupted by a familiar head of scraggly hair leaning over the partition. "So," Mikey asked, "I just put a down payment on that jet I've been eyeballing! Have you decided what you gonna buy yet?"

Jarod said, "I was thinking of saving up for a-"

"What? When the IPO drops next week, we're all gonna be millionaires!" Mikey quickly lowered his voice. "By the time the new millennium rolls around, Jarod, we'll practically own the internet. When you think about save for the future, remember the future is now, my friend, and that future is epagers.com."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: The Red-Headed Stranger
Fandom: The Pretender
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Memories."


"Who was he?" Jarod yelled into the phone. "Who was the man with the red hair? And what did he want?" He jabbed at the monitor with his outstretched finger.

Hundreds of miles away, Sydney explained, "Jarod, that's Dr. Stormire."

* * *

Three weeks later...

Jarod watched the sim and thought back to the day he'd been run through it. Sydney and Dr. Stormire had been having another of their rows, to nobody's surprise. In all the years they'd worked together, they had spent more time at each other's throats - only rarely literally, fortunately - than they ever had collaborating peacefully on anything.


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: What You Put In
Fandom: The Pretender
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Expectations."


"I had understood," Mr. Parker growled, "that it was the job of your project to expect the unexpected."

"Only within the parameters of the simulation," Sydney explained. "Pretenders aren't psychics; they can only work with the information they're given."

Mr. Parker stood up and leaned forward over his desk. "And whose responsibility is it to make sure they have all the information they need?"

"Whose responsibility is it to make sure I have the information to give them?" Sydney shot back.

"Ah. We can't very well blame the client, though, can we? We'll need to find someone else to scapegoat."

* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Castle vs. Castle
Fandom: Castle
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Castle."


"For five years," Castle explained, perching himself on the corner of Ryan's desk, "I couldn't get the rights to richardcastle.com."

"Someone was squatting on it?" Esposito asked.

"Nope. The guy's name really was Richard Castle; since, unlike me, he was born with the name, I had no grounds to contest it."

"So how much did you pay to get it from him?" Ryan wondered.

"Nothing," Castle answered. "He gave it to me in gratitude, saying I was responsible for eighty percent of the sex he had after his divorce." He nodded. "I've helped a lot of Richard Castles that way."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Martha and the Doctor
Fandom: Castle
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "House."


Alexis set down her books. "Is Grandma home?"

Her father nodded sadly. "She's seeing an oncologist," he said.

"Oh no!" Tears started to well in her eyes. "Is everything okay?"

"No, I mean yes," he blurted, trying not to laugh. "But no, I meant she's seeing an oncologist."

She slapped him across the chest. "You did that on purpose."

Laughing openly, he added, "It gets better. His name's James Wilson."

"Ooh, does he look like Robert Sean Leonard?" she asked.

"Only if RSL were sixty and black."

"Well, when she gets home," Alexis said, "I'm telling her what you did."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Count Me Out
Fandom: Castle
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Hut."


Javier Esposito called out the snap count. The ball was hiked, and he faded back, looking for someone to pass it to.

In the stands, Ryan, his arm still in a sling, and Backett sat down beside Rick and his family.

After the usual pleasantries, Beckett said, "You know, Castle, we could probably get you a position on the precinct's squad."

"This may surprise you," Rick replied, "but I was never exactly an athlete as a kid."

Both cops shook their heads. "Nope, not surprised at all."

"Rick," Martha began, "you know you were always quite good at-"

"Hush, mother."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Hard Questioning
Fandom: Castle
Rating: PG
Notes: The challenge theme was "Tent."


The door to the interrogation room flew open, and Beckett stormed out. "That was..." she began, trailing off into shudders and mutters of revulsion.

Seconds later, Castle rushed out behind her. "Come on, surely this can't be the first time this has happened."

"The first time what has happened?" Esposito asked.

Beckett said, "I was questioning the suspect."

"Leaning over him, being all dominating," Castle added. "And let's just say that he was hiding a not very little something under the table."

"That's disgusting, but I'm used to it," Beckett insisted. "Usually, though, these idiots don't finish before I do."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Scene and Heard
Fandom: Castle
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Cave."


Beckett looked out across Grand Central Station and grunted in annoyance; the usual crowds were augmented by a large performance art showcase and by the hundreds of tourists who'd flocked to see it.

Even though Castle was several paces behind her, she could feel that he'd heard her and was about to comment. "I can be as big a fan of performance art as anyone else," she cut him off, "but not when it's in my way."

"I was going to suggest cutting across the Dining Concourse downstairs," he said.

"Fine, but we're in a hurry. No stopping for cheesecake!"

* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Wun
Fandom: Maverick
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Wife."


The man in black stepped past his men and rubbed at his thin moustache. "Wun," he hissed.

"Sorry?" Bart asked.

"Wun," the man repeated.

"One what?"

The man pointed his revolver at Bart's head, and his men copied the motion. "I'm tewwing you, Mavewick," he said calmly, "to wun."

* * *

Bret glanced up from the campfire as Bart stumbled into the clearing. "What brings you by?" he asked.

"Wunning fow my wife. Er, running for my life," Bart answered.

"Anything I can do to help?" Bret offered.

Bart considered. "You wouldn't happen to have a spare horse lying around, would you?"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Pinned Hopes
Fandom: Maverick
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Mother."


Maverick glanced around the Colonel's study. He needed to find a way to ingratiate himself to the old man and fast. Then he saw the answer along the far wall.

The Colonel returned a moment later. "Young man, what are you doing?"

"Just admiring your collection. I'm something of an amateur lepidopterist myself," Maverick lied.

"Bah," the Colonel scoffed. "Another butterfly fancier, no doubt."

"No sir, moths all the way for me."

The old man beamed. "Fantastic! I always enjoy meeting another mother! What's your rarest find?"

Maverick, having exhausted his knowledge with 'lepidopterist,' discovered the flaw in his plan.


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: A Royal Mess
Fandom: Maverick
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Daughter."


Bart laughed. "She claimed to be the daughter of the king of where?"

"Saskbertoba," Bret repeated. Outside their compartment window, more of the West Texas plains seemed to whiz past before receding in the distance.

"Shouldn't someone let Victoria know parts of Canada have their own royalty?" wondered Bart.

"Whenever the 'princess' would mention her homeland," Bret explained, "she'd point in a different direction. Any time it was even vaguely northward, it was a miracle."

"So then why, brother dear," Bart asked, "did you go along with her little charade?"

Bret admitted, "Well, I wasn't doing anything else that afternoon."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Nun but the Brave
Fandom: Maverick
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Sister."


"But I cannot go out there dressed as a nun!" Siobhan protested. "It'd be a blasphemy!"

Maverick grinned. "Bless your little Irish heart. I'm sure He'd forgive you just this once. Unlike some." Cabrera's men had surrounded the convent for hours now, and Maverick had little doubt what would happen to either of them if caught.

"Aye, but what about you, Bret?" Siobhan asked. "A priest's collar won't hide that pretty mug of yours."

"No, but this will." He held up his own chosen disguise. "Hey, if I have to be a nun, why shouldn't I be the Mother Superior?"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: The Aunt Swarm
Fandom: Maverick
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Aunt."


"So help me, Maverick, I'm getting married!" Dandy Jim vowed.

"Congratulations! I'll believe it when I see it."

"Well, there is an obstacle," Jim admitted. "Or rather, three obstacles."

Maverick nodded. "I knew it."

"Before we can get married, we - by which I mean you - have to do something about Lulabelle's aunts."

"I take it you don't mean the insects," Maverick said.

"Three insatiable elderly spinsters," explained Jim. "Whenever lovely Lulabelle's back is turned, they begin pawing at me like jackals." He pointed past Maverick. "There's one of them now."

Maverick turned and blanched. "Yeesh."

"And that's the pretty sister."

* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Out of You and Me
Fandom: Red Dwarf
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Assume."


Lister watched sadly as the crates floated out of the airlock into the vastness of space. Sure, they'd been infested with robotic mites, but he'd wanted a chance to see what else might've been in them before Rimmer ejected the lot.

"Oh man, I'd wanted to take a look first," he moaned.

"I'd presumed you already had," Rimmer replied, his smile suggesting otherwise.

Sensing an opening, the Cat grinned. "You know what happens when you presume, buddy!"

"You make a pres out of you and me?" Rimmer asked, bemused.

"Exactly!" the Cat shouted before he realised he'd messed up somehow.


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: A Pithy Problem
Fandom: Red Dwarf
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Misunderstand."


Even before they reached Starbug, Lister and Rimmer were screaming for Kryten to start the engines. They leaped through the closing hatch, and the ship was just rising above the trees as the first angry GELFs burst into the clearing.

"What happened, sirs?" Kryten asked once they were safely away."

"It was a simple misunderstanding," Rimmer explained. "I was just complimenting the chief on his nice pith helmet. Pith," he repeated, emphasising the last sound. "And suddenly he went mad."

Lister rolled his eyes. "You smeghead, he wasn't wearing a helmet. That was a bald spot."

"Ah. Live and learn."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Everything and Nothing
Fandom: Red Dwarf
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Confuse."


"I don't get it!" shouted the Cat.

Rimmer rolled his eyes. "Now there's a shock."

Exasperated, Lister asked, "What is there not to get?"

"You mean besides everything?" the Cat demanded.

"Yeah, besides that."

The Cat pondered, his head tilting one way and then another. He started to speak several times but stopped. Finally, he said, "Nothing, I guess."

Somewhere above him, a light flickered to life. His slack jaw rose until it became a grin, and it kept going. He raised a single finger. "Of course! I understand completely!"

"Could someone explain," Rimmer asked, "what the smeg just happened?"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Brighter Than the Sun
Fandom: Red Dwarf
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Deny."


"I do not have a problem, Mister Lister, sir!"

Lister pointed out through Starbug's open hatch. "You polished the asteroid, Kryten!" The black rock gleamed under the light of the system's twin suns. "That's a cry for help, man!"

"What was I supposed to do?" Kryten asked. "I was stranded here, alone, with no idea when or even if rescue was coming. I had to occupy my time somehow."

Lister patted him on the shoulder. "You know we'd never leave you. How'd you polish this entire asteroid in only nine days?"

"It wasn't much. I barely finished the fourth coat."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Locked Out
Fandom: Red Dwarf
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Admit."


Lister pounded on the outer airlock door. "Let me in, Kryten! Let me in!"

Several metres away - that may as well have been kilometres - on the other side of the sealed airlock, Kryten waved and tapped the comm button. "I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave," he said.

"Stop playing around!" Lister yelled. "My suit's running out of air! I'm starting to feel- 'Dave'? Since when do you call me Dave?"

"It's in the script, Mister Lister, sir." Kryten peered up and down the corridor, then held the sheet up to the inner airlock door. "I'm required to say it."

* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Two Too Vicious
Fandom: Darkwing Duck
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Weapon."


Darkwing fell back out of the way as several wooden darts flew through the space he'd just inhabited and embedded themselves in the wall behind him. Almost immediately after, a giant watery mace descended toward his head. He rolled aside, and it smashed into the floor, leaving a deep crater.

He climbed to his feet, panting. "When," he wheezed between breaths, "did you two get so... good?"

Bushroot and Liquidator glanced toward each other. "Really?" Bushroot asked. "You think so?"

"Oh yeah. There's no way I can beat you, so..." In a cloud of smoke, he vanished.

Liquidator yelled. "Cheater!"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Leather or Not
Fandom: Darkwing Duck
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Helmet."


Gosalyn leapt from the Ratcatcher's sidecar and tossed her helmet back inside. "Why," she asked, "doesn't Launchpad have to wear a helmet when he rides with you?"

"Are you crazy?" Darkwing barked. "Launchpad wears one all the time! What do you think that leather thing with the goggles is?"

"That's a helmet? I thought it was just an old-timey pilot's hat."

"Correction," he said, "an old-timey pilot's helmet."

Gosalyn grinned. "Can I get a leather helmet like Launchpad's?"

"Forget it!" He tapped the top of her head. "I want something stronger than leather protecting what's inside there."

"Aww! No fair!"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: F.O.W.L Air
Fandom: Darkwing Duck
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Shield."


The last escape pods flew away as Steelbeak and his henchmen fled the slowly sinking airship. "How," Darkwing yelled over the ship's massive rotors, "are we going to get off this thing?"

"We might not have to!" Launchpad pushed his way across the control deck and began wrestling with the steering column. "If I can just," he grunted, "level her out!"

Impossibly, he succeeded, and the lumbering airship was flying straight again. "Hey, DW, how about we deposit this baby in front of S.H.U.S.H. HQ?"

"Don't be silly!" snapped Darkwing. "What kind of good guys have a humongous hovering stronghold?"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Now You Don't
Fandom: Darkwing Duck
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Cloak."


Somewhere in the chamber, Negaduck laughed. Darkwing tried to figure out where, but the voice echoed all over the place, and the villain's invisibility cloak gave him an insurmountable advantage. Unless...

"Two can play at that game, Negaduck!" Darkwing drew out his own invisibility cloak and draped it over his head. He immediately vanished, leaving the chamber apparently empty.

"So what?" Negaduck asked. "How does me not seeing you help make up for you not seeing me, Darkwing Dolt?" For a long moment, Darkwing didn't answer. "Well?" snapped Negaduck.

"I'm thinking! This all seemed so logical in my head earlier."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Quit Bugging Me!
Fandom: Darkwing Duck
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Transmitter."


"I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am the crossword that someone already finished in pen! I am Darkwing Duck!"

"How," Megavolt groused, "did he find me so quickly?"

Darkwing landed a few feet away. "Hard work and logical deduction," he answered.

"You planted a bug on me, didn't you? Where is it? Is this it?" Megavolt slapped at something on his chest. "Eww, that was a real insect."

"I told you there's no bug!" insisted Darkwing.

Megavolt concentrated; electrical energy cascaded over him. Almost immediately, something on his collar burned out.

Darkwing blushed. "Oh, that bug?"