Story [Multiple Fandoms] UDC 4: Carry on Drabbling - Week 20 posted! (100 Fandoms and Done!)

This is the thread for my responses to the fourth Ultimate Drabble Challenge. The first two weeks were posted to another thread, but it's no longer available to me. Anyway, as with my responses to the first challenge, these will all be in different fandoms, with one slight difference. In each set, at least two drabbles must be in fandoms I have done before (but not for this challenge). [Also, for Week 1, I allowed myself to use fandoms starting with X, Y, and Z, as well as A and B, since they had only been available for one week in the previous challenge.]



As of Week 20, the following hundred fandoms have been used:
(list may contain spoilers)

* Alice in Wonderland (Week 2)*
* Animaniacs (Week 1)*
* Are You Being Served? (Week 2)*
* Arrested Development (Week 2)*
* Arsène Lupin (Week 1)*
* Atom Ant (Week 1)*
* Better Off Ted (Week 2)*
* The Big Bang Theory (Week 3)
* Black Books (Week 3)
* Blue's Clues (Week 1)*
* Bones (Week 3)
* Chuck (Week 2)*
* Community (Week 4)
* The Completely Mental Misadventures of Ed Grimley (Week 4)
* Count Chocula (Week 3)
* Darkwing Duck (Week 5)
* Dilbert (Week 3)
* Doctor Who (Week 5)
* The Drew Carey Show (Week 4)
* The Electric Company (Week 6)
* Eureka (Week 6)
* Family Matters (Week 5)
* Farscape (Week 4)
* Ferris Bueller's Day Off (Week 4)
* FoxTrot (Week 5)
* Gargoyles (Week 7)
* Get Smart (Week 7)
* Ghostbusters (Week 5)
* G.I. Joe (Week 6)
* Goofus and Gallant (Week 6)
* Gremlins (Week 7)
* Harry Potter (Week 7)
* Highlander (Week 7)
* Home Improvement (Week 6)
* Hong Kong Phooey (Week 8)
* Horse Feathers (Week 8)
* House (Week 8)
* Human Target (Week 8)
* I'm Sorry, I'll Read That Again (Week 9)
* Indiana Jones (Week 9)
* I Spy (Week 8)
* The IT Crowd (Week 9)
* James Bond (Week 9)
* Jonathan Creek (Week 10)
* Jurassic Park (Week 10)
* Kim Possible (Week 9)
* Knight Rider (Week 11)
* The Knights of Prosperity (Week 10)
* Kung Fu Panda (Week 11)
* Law & Order (Week 10)
* Lobo (Week 11)
* The Lone Gunmen (Week 12)
* Looney Tunes (Week 10)
* Lost (Week 12)
* M.A.N.T.I.S. (Week 13)
* Masters of the Universe (Week 12)
* Modern Family (Week 11)
* Monk (Week 12)
* My Mother the Car (Week 13)
* Mystery Science Theater 3000 (Week 11)
* National Treasure (Week 13)
* Nebulous (Week 14)
* Nero Wolfe (Week 12)
* Night Court (Week 13)
* Ocean's Eleven (Week 15)
* The Office (Week 13)
* Over the Hedge (Week 14)
* Paranoia (Week 16)
* The Perils of Penelope Pitstop (Week 14)
* The Pretender (Week 15)
* Profit (Week 16)
* Psych (Week 14)
* Pushing Daisies (Week 15)
* Quantum Leap (Week 14)
* Quatermass (Week 16)
* Raffles (Week 17)
* Raines (Week 16)
* Red Dwarf (Week 15)
* The Red Green Show (Week 17)
* Robbie the Reindeer (Week 15)
* Sapphire and Steel (Week 18)
* Seinfeld (Week 16)
* The Simpsons (Week 18)
* South Park (Week 17)
* Space Ace (Week 18)
* Teletubbies (Week 19)
* The Thin Man (Week 17)
* 30 Rock (Week 19)
* This Is Spinal Tap (Week 18)
* 24 (Week 17)
* Ugly Americans (Week 20)
* Up (Week 19)
* Veronica Mars (Week 20)
* Viva Variety (Week 18)
* Wacky Races (Week 20)
* Wallace & Gromit (Week 19)
* The Wild Wild West (Week 20)
* World of Warcraft (Week 19)
*

 

Week 3

* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Death by Elocution
Fandom: Dilbert
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Truth."


"You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!"

Dilbert ran into the conference room. "What's going on in here? I heard shouting."

"Oh, that," Dogbert said. "I'm coaching your boss for tomorrow."

"How'd I do that time?"

"Almost perfect. Wagging the finger was a great touch, but don't forget the pointing."

"Wait," Dilbert wondered, "isn't that the same speech he gave the last time he testified before Congress?"

"The last three times," his boss corrected.

"He's not testifying tomorrow," Dogbert said. "That's next week."

"Then what's tomorrow?"

The boss smiled proudly. "I'm giving a toast at my cousin's wedding!"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: You Can Depend
Fandom: Black Books
Rating: PG
Notes: The challenge theme was "Trust."


"I can be trusted with responsibility," Bernard said. "I'm a business owner."

"Really? How is business?" Fran asked. She tapped the top book of a pile, and nearly choked on the cloud of dust.

"Good. It's really... good. And what about that time I helped you look after your friend Kathleen's brat?"

"You mean Isabella's brat, er, child. And Isabella hasn't spoken to me since that day."

Bernard refilled his wine glass. "You're better off, really. All that kid did was curse like a sailor."

"He didn't know any of those words until you used them in front of him!"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: The Roastmaster Catalysis
Fandom: The Big Bang Theory
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Honor."


Sheldon held the paper inches from Leonard's face. "Read it and weep. The University Roastmasters' Guild has invited me to be the guest of honor at their dinner next month."

"You do realize that means they want to roast you, right? As in make fun of you?"

"I'm familiar with the concept of a roast, thank you," Sheldon said. "Although the group's name does make more sense now. A roast might be fun."

"Except you have no sense of humor," Leonard pointed out.

"I most certainly do!"

"Not about yourself."

"That's true," Sheldon admitted. "But I do like being honored."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: The Old in the Newbie
Fandom: Bones
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Loyalty."


"Bones," Booth asked, wrinkling his nose, "is that your latest intern?"

"Yes, and I've already talked to him about his odor."

"The smell's the only thing you've noticed? Nothing else?"

"Such as?" Temperance asked, nonplussed.

"How about he's falling apart out there?"

"He seems quite composed to me."

"I meant literally," Booth said. "And tell me you haven't noticed that, even as we've been talking, he's been taking bits from that brain and eating them."

"Encephalophagy, while not common, is practiced in many parts of the world. Wait, is this because he's a zombie?"

"Uh, yeah."

"You're prejudiced!" Temperance yelled.


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Night of the Stalker
Fandom: Count Chocula
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Love."


"Children just love my chocolaty, marshmallowy Count Chocula cereal," the vampire said. "It's a spookily delicious part of this balanced breakfast!" His cackling faded as he looked left and right. "Where are they?"

A knock echoed through the castle. "Ah yes, that must be them now!" He swept along the dark hallways, opened the massive iron gate, and groaned.

"Oh no, not again! Why must you moody teenage girls keep tormenting me? I'm not dark or brooding! I'm a happy vampire! Happy! But not sparkling," he added quickly. "And you never even want to try any of my yummy cereal!"

 

Week 4

* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Starey Lewis
Fandom: The Drew Carey Show
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Gaze."


Mimi felt the disturbance before she even looked up. Drew's idiot friend Lewis was ducking behind a cubicle wall, just peering over the top at her, not so much as blinking. "What do you want, dillweed?"

"Nothing."

"Then stop staring at me!" She tried to return to work, but those eyes never left her. "Want me to ram this pencil in your eye?"

"Are you flirting with me?"

* * *

After Mimi ran screaming from the room, Drew turned to Lewis. "Thanks. Now I can get into Mr. Wick's office."

"Why couldn't you do this yourself?" Lewis asked.

"I have enough nightmares."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: The Better Part of Valor
Fandom: Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Rating: PG
Notes: The challenge theme was "Wink."


Sloane struggled to stay calm as Ferris walked to the podium.

"I have a brief statement to make. Despite what I earlier told my staff, I spent this weekend with a woman I've been seeing for some time."

Reporters' hands shot up. "Senator, who was she?"

"She's married and has children. I must, for their sakes, respect her privacy. I'll be spending this difficult time with my wife Sloane and our family."

* * *

"Ferris," Sloane said in the hallway, "you could've admitted I'm the one you're having an affair with."

Ferris grinned and winked. "Mrs. Bueller, where's the fun in that?"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Taking the Shot
Fandom: Farscape
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Distance."


"I can hit it."

"Crichton," D'Argo said, "it is too far."

"I can do it," John insisted, "but it'd be a whole lot easier without you breathing down my neck."

"There's too much at stake, and I'm in no mood to deal with your ego right now. That is an impossible shot, and you are going to lose us all our currency."

"Trust me. It's just like making a shot from the three-point line at the buzzer." He stared at the target, held the sphere up with both hands, and threw. "Maybe not just like."

"I hate you," D'Argo hissed.


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: The Day Before Yesterday
Fandom: The Completely Mental Misadventures of Ed Grimley
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Cold as Ice."


Ed tied his parka tighter. "Give me a break! I'm freezing here! Have we entered the ice age predicted by that scientific genius, Mr. Roland Emmerich? I do believe we have."

He danced across the apartment. "Oh, look! Moby's bowl has frozen over! That clinches it! We're as doomed as doomed can be, you know."

There was a knock at the door. "Who can that be at a time like this?"

"It's Mr. Freebus! There are icicles hanging from our ceiling! Did you turn your thermostat down again?"

"Hold on, let me check! Nope, twenty below zero, same as always!"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Fire Safety
Fandom: Community
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Eternal Flame."


Dean Pelton grinned. "Voila!"

"It looks like a birdbath," Abed said, "but on fire."

"Who's up for squab?" Jeff quipped.

"It's an eternal flame, to remember those of Greendale's family that we've lost."

"Wait, someone died?" Annie whimpered. "When?"

"Well, no," the Dean explained. "It's just... in case someone... passes on." He reached behind the memorial, and the fire went out.

"You turned it off," Abed said.

"Fire codes won't permit it at night, and the budget says we can't run it during the day. It's just for special occasions, really."

Jeff nodded. "So it's a loose definition of 'eternal.'"

 

Week 5

* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Controlled Descent
Fandom: Ghostbusters
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Steps."


Ray peered over the railing at the dining room below. The drop was too far to jump, especially with the proton pack strapped to his back. But, he considered, if he used one of the tables to break his fall, he just might make it.

He carefully climbed over the rail, positioned himself, and dropped. He tucked his knees but landed on his stomach, collapsing the table beneath him.

"You okay there, buddy?" Peter asked.

Ray staggered to his feet. "How'd you guys get down here so fast?"

"We took the stairs," Egon said.

"Stairs? Where?"

Winston pointed. "Right there."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Key Notes
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Stride."


The Doctor tromped into the console room, head down, hands in pockets, and scarf trailing behind. "Hello, what's this then?" he asked.

"It's a piano, Doctor," Leela said. "You made me help you carry it up here. Do you not remember?"

"Of course I remember!" he shouted. "Three flights of stairs would be hard to forget."

"It was seven, Doctor."

"Did I tell you why?" the Doctor asked.

"You want me to learn to play it," Leela answered. "You also talked about friends' lists and fat swallows."

"You mean Franz Liszt and Fats Waller."

"I don't know what those are."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Stumble Bumble
Fandom: Darkwing Duck
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Stumble."


Megavolt tensed as he heard the puff of smoke. "Not again," he moaned.

"I am the terror that flaps in the night!" that familiar voice echoed. "I am the cultural reference you don't quite understand! I am Darkwing Duck!"

"It's lights out for you, evildoer!" he shouted as he dropped from the rafters, hit the floor, and... tripped over his cape. "Oops." He fell forward, rolling along the tile and slamming into Megavolt.

A moment later, Darkwing sat up, shaking his head. He glanced over at Megavolt's unconscious form. "Not how I intended it, but a victory's a victory, eh?"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Kitty Calamities
Fandom: Family Matters
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Leap."


Laura smiled at the familiar sound and flickering of the lights. "Steve!" she yelled. "I'm upstairs with dad!"

"Where's he working now?" Carl asked.

"He's in Africa, helping remote villages to- Steve, what happened to you?"

Steve staggered into the room, his clothes in tatters. "Hi, Laura, Big Guy. It was nothing much, just a disagreement with some leopards." He collapsed facedown at their feet.

"Is he hurt?" Laura asked.

Carl shook his head. "I don't think so." In the doorway, something growled. A leopard stalked toward them, followed by two others. "Although," he amended, "I'm considering hurting him myself."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Lost Causes
Fandom: FoxTrot
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Fall."


Jason typed furiously, "This is the biggest scandal since Watergate! No, since Teapot Dome!" He waited for a response.

"IDK wut that is."

Jason started to type, then stopped. Yes, he was upset - livid, even - but he shouldn't take it out on guildies, no matter how clueless. Instead, he logged out and screamed at the ceiling.

His mother came in and started picking up strewn clothes. "What's the matter?"

"The Alliance get Worgens, while we're stuck with stupid goblins!"

"I thought you were in here looking up jobs," Andy said. "Thirty-one is too old to be sponging off your parents."

 

Week 6

* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Lending a Hand
Fandom: Goofus and Gallant
Rating: PG
Notes: The challenge theme was "Gallant."


"Hurry!" the standing figure hissed, waving the flashlight.

The kneeling figure calmly asked him to keep it steady as he kept working. "Shouldn't you just have asked the security guard to let you into your office?"

"I, uh, didn't want to disturb him."

"That's nice. Got it." He opened the door and stood.

The other pushed past him. "Okay, Gallant, I can take it from here."

Gallant stepped inside. "No, really, it's... Goofus, why are there pictures of someone else's family in your office?"

"Because," -- he drew his gun and shot Gallant between the eyes -- "I don't really work here.


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Carter Before the Horse
Fandom: Eureka
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Filial."


Henry explained, "It's not that their minds were swapped. It's more that they've been imprinted on each other. Chances are that the imprints will fade with time."

"How much time?" Jack asked.

"We just don't know," Allison said. "I'm sorry."

"No, no, I know you're doing everything- Fargo, stop feeding Zoe carrots!"

"But Cordelia likes it when I do," Fargo protested, stroking Zoe's hair as she ate.

"That's not Cordelia!" Jack snapped. "And what am I going to do about Cordelia? Zoe thinking she's a horse is bad enough, but I also have a horse that thinks she's my daughter."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Under the Helmet
Fandom: G.I. Joe
Rating: PG
Notes: The challenge theme was "Vexation."


"Why," Cobra Commander shouted, "must everything in life be a continual source of vexation for me?"

Tomax began, "I don't know..."

"What you could mean," Xamot finished. Destro and the Baroness took a sudden interest in the ceiling.

"Really? Nobody knows anything about this?" Cobra Commander lifted his faceplate.

The others winced and tried to look away. "Your, uh, tumor is looking better today," the Baroness offered.

"It's not a tumor!" Cobra Commander screamed. "It's gum! What idiot threw gum in my helmet?"

The door hissed open, and Firefly entered. "Anyone seen my gum? I... guess you can keep it."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: A Sour Patch
Fandom: The Electric Company
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Sublime."


"I haven't been feeling so good, Easy," Carmela admitted. "It's gotten so bad, I've made a mood chart." She held up a cardboard sign split into yellow, green, and orange stripes.

"Words!" Easy Reader said. "Groovy! Down here, in the orange area, it says, 'Orange.' In the green, it says, 'Lime,' and in the yellow, it says, 'Lemon.' Right! Because lemons are yellow, limes are green, and oranges are orange!"

"The sourer the fruit, the sourer my mood," Carmela said.

"What are you today?"

She put a marker on "Orange."

"Sublime!"

Carmela moved it up to "Lemon." "I hate puns."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Deep Impact
Fandom: Home Improvement
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Superficial."


"Yes, Al," Tim said, "to the naked eye it would appear we're trapped and going to die under several feet of snow. But look on the bright side. This tent survived an avalanche!"

"If you'd listened to me and stayed in the normal camping area, it wouldn't have had to. I take it you have a harebrained scheme to get us out of here?"

Tim held up his homemade roasting torch. "At the normal setting, it roasts weenies and toasts marshmallows. But on full, it's a flamethrower! We'll melt a tunnel to freedom! Brilliant, right?"

"I don't think so, Tim."

 

Week 7


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Neville and the Animagus
Fandom: Harry Potter
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "No Turning Back."


Hermione saw the flashes from around the corner. Neville, crouched on the floor, was aiming his wand at a cat cowering in an alcove.

"What are you doing?" she demanded.

Tears ran down Neville's cheeks. "It's Professor McGonagall," he said, "but she won't change back. I don't think she can, so I'm trying to help, but it's not working."

"Are you sure it's not just an ordinary cat?"

Neville seemed uncertain. "It looks just like her."

"Really?" a voice behind them asked. "That's what you think I look like? Heaven help anyone relying on you for feline identification, young man."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Once More Unto
Fandom: Gremlins
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "No Backing Down."


Gizmo stared down at the seething sea of green. The streets were already clogged, and the continued rainfall was still birthing wave upon wave of new gremlins.

"Billy? Kate?"

"Yeah, Giz?" Billy asked.

"It's time." They carried him over and strapped him into his mech suit before closing and locking the cockpit's clear cover.

"Do we stand a chance?" Kate wondered.

"Dunno," Billy admitted.

Without another word, Gizmo's mech ran straight to the window and crashed through, weapons ablaze as it plummeted toward the Gremlins far below.

"Ready?" Billy asked.

Kate shrugged, hefted her gun, and ran after Gizmo. "Never."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Just a Minute
Fandom: Get Smart
Rating: PG
Notes: The challenge theme was "Nowhere to Run."


"There's nowhere to run, Smart," KAOS agent Welch hissed.

Max peered over the roof's edge. The view alone made him dizzy, and he had to stagger back.

"Good," Welch said, "it would've been unfortunate if your career at CONTROL ended prematurely."

"Don't you intend to shoot me?" Max asked.

"In a minute, yes. But every minute is precious, don't you agree?"

"Absolutely! Especially this one minute in July, 1985, when-"

"Sadly," Welch said, "I don't believe you'll live to see that one."

"Would you believe next spring, in-"

"Sorry, no."

"How about later tonight?" Max asked. "Hogan's Heroes is on."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Traitor in Their Midst
Fandom: Gargoyles
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "No One to Trust."


"We cannot trust the humans!" Goliath erupted. "They will all turn against us as soon as it is convenient for them!"

Hudson didn't even look up from the television. "So you and Eliza had another fight?"

"It was not a fight! It was a betrayal!"

"A betrayal, eh?" Hudson chuckled. "You are not her leader, lad. How many times have we explained that you must learn to compromise?"

"There can be no compromise!"

"Aye? And what issue can be such import, pray tell?"

"That woman wants to start the kids on Episode One," Goliath said, "rather than the Original Trilogy!"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: No Hiding Place
Fandom: Highlander
Rating: PG
Notes: The challenge theme was "No Place to Hide."


Duncan brushed glass off his bare shoulders. He could sense Kesler approaching and knew that meant Kesler could sense exactly where he was as well.

He silently cursed himself again for being caught unarmed and looked around the tiny shop for anything useful. A moment later, when Kesler leaped in, sword swinging, Duncan brought up a wire display rack to block it, then plunged a shard of glass into his neck. Kesler staggered, dropping his sword. Duncan grabbed the weapon and swept it around in an arc.

As the Quickening subsided, Duncan muttered, "'What can happen at a nude beach?'"

 

Week 8

* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Thief of Hearts
Fandom: Hong Kong Phooey
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "A Little Bit of This."


"With a dash of 'Hiiiyah!' and a smidge of 'Yeeewowza!' I whooped those crooks single-handedly," Hong Kong Phooey boasted. "Or at least that's what I would say if I weren't so modest."

Behind him, Spot shook his head sadly.

"You forgot handsome," Rosemary said. "Why won't you ever marry me?"

"What can I say? Fighting crime takes up all my time. Hey, I made a rhyme!"

Rosemary put a hand to her forehead. "Oh, Phooey, my hero!" She swooned backward and fell to the floor.

"See that, Spot? My rugged good looks are almost as powerful as my Kung Fu!"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Mixed Doubles
Fandom: I Spy
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Anything but That."


"Scotty, where did Fong say he dropped the chip again?" Kelly asked.

"'In the mixing vat,' he said."

"There are two vats."

"I see that."

"Do you want the chocolate or the vanilla?"

His partner stared at him for a long moment before speaking. "The vanilla."

* * *

Kelly struggled to keep his head above the surface. "Any luck over there?"

"Only bad."

"Same here. Wait, something's wedged in the blades. Hold on. I got the chip!"

"Great! Oh, Kelly?"

"Yeah, Scotty?"

"I don't ever want to see, smell, taste, or hear the word pudding again for as long as I live!"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Bird Brains
Fandom: Horse Feathers
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Not for Nothing."


The tour guide stopped by statue and looked back at incoming freshmen and parents. He gestured up at the figure in cap and gown, with a thick moustache and a cigar clenched in his teeth. "This," he said, "is one of Huxley's more, uh, controversial presidents, Quincy Adams Wagstaff."

"Like Wagstaff Hall?" a father asked.

"No, that's named for his son, who later became president himself."

"Then why'd the dad get a statue?" someone asked.

"It was a gift."

"Why would somebody give the college-"

"No," the guide said, "it was a gift from the college. To the campus pigeons."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Multiple Choice
Fandom: House
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Everything Else."


"Do you have a reason for hovering?" House asked without looking away from the television.

"Autopsy results for Smith," Taub said.

"I was right, wasn't I?"

"Well, he did have everything you said he did," Taub admitted.

Now House did turn to face him. "I sense a 'but' coming."

"But," Taub said, "he also had everything I'd suggested. And the ones Thirteen diagnosed."

"I notice you didn't mention-"

"Foreman was right too, as were Dr. Wilson and that girl selling chocolate. The only diseases he didn't have were those Kutner guessed."

"Find little Suzy or whatever. Offer her Kutner's job."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Setting Priorites
Fandom: Human Target
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "What Matters Most."


"Right now," Chance said, "my only goal is keeping you alive until we can get out of here."

"What about all the rest of these people?"

Chance looked around at the staff and other visitors, many of them families, milling about, unaware of the danger they could be in. That was the trouble with doing this job in public places. "Yeah, okay, them too."

"And the animals?" They walked quickly past the zebra enclosure and up toward the pachyderms.

"Humans first, always," Chance answered. "Cute or endangered animals second. Ugly, plentiful ones or anything I just don't like, distant third."

 

Week 9

* * * * * * * * * *

Title: By the Throat
Fandom: James Bond
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Necklace."


Bond rose as the door clanged shut behind him. The guards had left him nothing but his briefs, and even those had been examined.

"James?" Letya sat in the cell's corner. She'd been stripped, also, left with only panties... and the gold necklace he'd given her.

"Give me the necklace," he said.

"But, James-"

"Necklace," he snapped. Reluctantly, she handed it to him. He twisted the clasp and removed the wire hidden in the chain. He tossed the necklace back to her.

"All this time I was wearing razor wire around my neck?"

"Monofilament. Perfectly safe."

"Really?" she asked.

"Probably."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: The Constance Gardener
Fandom: I'm Sorry, I'll Read That Again
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Earrings."


"Hello!" Lady Constance said. "Grimbling, who's our young visitor?"

"This is the new gardener, Jack. I'm showing him the ropes. Now this one's jute."

"Hello, ma'am," Jack said.

"Call me Lady Constance! Call me Sweetie! Call me yours!"

"Please, Lady Constance, I-"

"Psst," Grimbling whispered. "Pay her a compliment."

"A compliment, right. I, uh, like your earrings."

"Thank you!" Lady Constance said. "They say it's the first thing to go, but mine's strong as ever! I say you're as young as you feel. How old are you, Jack?"

"Twenty-one, ma'whoa! Lady Constance!"

"Oh, it's so great to feel twenty-one again!"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: What the Hexahedron?
Fandom: Kim Possible
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Watch."


"Tweebs, why is a white cube hovering over our backyard?" Kim asked.

Neither stopped staring at the television. "Shh!" Jim hissed.

"Right, new question. Why is Bonnie on our TV? Did you kidnap her and put her in that white cube thing?"

"That dimensionally recursive white cube thing," Tim bragged. "One room, folding back on itself."

"She's been chasing herself for the last half hour," Jim added.

Kim sighed. "You have to let her out."

"Why won't you answer me?" Bonnie yelled at her own back. "Fine, be that way!"

"Okay," Kim said, grinning. "Fifteen more minutes, but that's it."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: The Flux of Terror
Fandom: Indiana Jones
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Belt."


Indy downed the shot of tequila and looked around the cantina. Barely any of the blazing desert sun's light made it inside, though plenty of the heat did. A few regulars sat in corners, ignoring everything but their drinks. One was snoring.

Something rumbled unpleasantly in Indy's stomach. "Julio!" he snapped. "Julio!"

The bartender looked up from his newspaper, then slowly came over. "You want another, Professor Jones?"

"I thought you didn't water down the drinks in here."

"I've never watered down a-"

Indy grabbed him by his collar. "Julio, just give me the toilet paper."

"I'm still reading it."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: An Important Lesson
Fandom: The IT Crowd
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Ring."


"How could you not think that movie was scary?" Jen asked.

Roy laughed. "Totally unrealistic. I've never seen a girl come out of a videotape. Though there were some porn films where I wouldn't have minded."

"I thought," Moss said, "that it was a parable about the need for early adoption. If Naomi Watts had switched to DVD like she should have, nobody would have died. Relying on obsolete technology kills you!"

Jen looked around at the boxes overflowing with ancient computer hardware. "And what's all this, then?"

"Don't worry. You're perfectly safe while we're here," Moss said. "We're professionals."

 

Week 10

* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Neptune's Might
Fandom: Jonathan Creek
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Hero."


"It never felt right," Jonathan said. "Why keep swimming toward the island after the lighthouse light went out? He wasn't Leander, swimming out to meet his lady love. It was a morning constitutional."

"Maybe he tried to turn around but got lost," Maddy suggested. "The coroner said he drowned first."

"With the tide that morning, he would've had to have drowned within a few feet of those rocks. It's likelier he was drowned elsewhere and dumped into the water there."

"But who did it?"

"Only one suspect could've also reprogrammed the lighthouse," Jonathan said. "The next trick is proving it."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Free Lancer
Fandom: Law & Order
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Lancer."


Briscoe set down the phone and nodded to Green. "Guess what someone found in Brownsville."

"Red '62 Dodge Lancer GT? Long way to go to ditch a car."

"It's rush hour," Briscoe said. "You drive."

* * *

"It was sitting there with the keys in the ignition."

"And you didn't consider taking it?" Briscoe asked.

"Who wouldn't? It's obviously abandoned, and an old car's gotta be worth something, right? But I saw all the blood on the seat and called you guys."

Green looked at the guy's back. "You mean you sat in the blood."

"Is it noticeable?"

"From space," Briscoe said.


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Fast Action Zero
Fandom: Looney Tunes
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Smart Guy."


"Beep beep!" The Road Runner (Velocitus jonesii) raced along the highway; nothing and nobody interfered with his journey. Suddenly he stopped. The wind blew, insects buzzed, but nothing else made a sound. Was he really all alone?

* * *

"Thank you for coming today. It's a pleasure to meet someone of your renowned intellect."

Wile E. Coyote (Genius superior) leaned toward the microphone. "It is I who should be thanking you, Senator. I just wish I were here under better circumstances. The Acme Corporation's long and storied existence could come to an abrupt end, ladies and gentlemen, without an emergency government bailout."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Operation: Squeeze Play
Fandom: The Knights of Prosperity
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Big Guy."


"Squatch!" Eugene yelled over the radio. "You gotta get Rock out of there now! Goldblum's on his way back!"

Squatch looked back at the window he'd barely squeezed through. "Ain't gonna happen, chief!"

"He's right," Rockefeller admitted. "That's a tiny square hole, and I'm a big round peg."

"I don't think that's correct," Esperanza said. "Isn't it supposed to be the hole that is round and the peg that's esquare?"

"Like that show," Gary agreed, "with the Sarah Jessica Parker?"

"Guys!" Eugene screamed. "Guys, we need to focus on what's important here!"

"He's right," Rockefeller said. "I remember that show."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Egg Hunt
Fandom: Jurassic Park
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Chick."


"Quick, hide the eggs!" the captain ordered as the Costa Rican patrol boat came alongside.

Ten minutes later, an inspection team boarded the ship. "You know the waters around Isla Sorna are restricted, yes?" the team's leader asked.

"We must've drifted in the rough weather," the captain lied. "Who'd be so foolish to go there intentionally?"

"Smugglers. Dinosaur chicks have become popular among spoiled American teenagers. Where do you think they get them?"

"Maybe it'd be good if some of those brats got eaten, eh?" The captain laughed nervously.

The inspector leaned close. "No, captain," he whispered, "it would not."

 

Week 11

* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Shot Chocolate
Fandom: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Bite the Bullet."


"This week," Dr. Forrester said, "our invention answers the classic question, 'They melt in your mouth, not in your hand, but what about when shot from a gun?'"

He held up a pistol; freezing vapor rose from its barrel. "It's supercooled so that the chocolate stays solid even as it flies through the air. You can even catch it in your mouth. Frank will demonstrate."

"Actually, Dr. Forrester, I made this instead." Frank set a watermelon with a drawn face on a pedestal.

"It's perfectly safe," Dr. Forrester said.

"Don't wanna."

"Fine, baby, whatever." He fired, and the watermelon exploded.


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Uncle Sitters
Fandom: Modern Family
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Break the Ice."


Mitchell opened the door for Alex and followed her in. "We're home!"

Cameron looked up from feeding Lily. "How was it at your uncle's law firm?" he asked Alex.

"Awesome."

"She conked out on a sofa," Mitchell said. "How was it here with Luke all night?"

"He didn't break anything?" Alex asked.

"Uh, no," Cameron evaded, "not a thing."

"Show me," Mitchell insisted.

* * *

Cameron opened the freezer; its contents had been encased in a single, solid block of ice. "I don't know how it happened."

"So much for frost free," Mitchell sighed.

Alex nodded. "That's exactly what our mom said."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Breaking Training
Fandom: Kung Fu Panda
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Knock on Wood."


Po lashed out with his foot, smashing a training dummy. He whipped around and smacked another with his open palm, knocking out its middle section. "Ha!" he yelled, puffing out his chest. It slapped into a third dummy, reducing it to splinters. "How was that, Master Shifu?"

"Good. Now you will go again."

Po looked around the devastated training area. "Are there more dummies?"

"We have them made in the valley," Shifu said. "When we run out, whoever broke the last one must go down to get more."

Po groaned. "That would be me, wouldn't it?"

"That would be you."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Hook 'n' Slash
Fandom: Lobo
Rating: PG
Notes: The challenge theme was "Off the Hook."


Lobo pulled himself up from the mud, muttering, "That almost hurt." He looked around, but his target had run away. "Ah, baby doesn't wanna come out and play?"

He was answered by a whoosh. He turned to see two missiles flying toward him. "Cute." He lashed out with his hook, whipping its chain to one side, then the other. It sliced through each missile, and they exploded without even mussing his hair.

"That all you-" Something exploded right behind him, and he recognized the debris as it fell. "You fragged my bike!" he screamed. "Nobody frags the Main Man's bike!"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: KARR Jack
Fandom: Knight Rider
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Back Seat Driver."


"I am grateful to you for my reactivation," KARR said, "but I have a mission I must carry out now."

"Mission? What mission?" the human - KARR hadn't bothered to ask her name - wondered.

"Revenge. I will destroy those responsible for the state in which you found me."

"You mean killing people? I'm not getting mixed up in that," the human said. "Turn this thing around now." She reached for the controls.

"I am in charge here," KARR insisted. "I do not need a backseat driver."

"I'm in the front seat."

"That is convenient," KARR said as he activated the ejector.

 

Week 12

* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Mr. Monk and the Whispers
Fandom: Monk
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Saint."


"If you'll excuse us, Your Excellency," Leland said. He watched as Randy and the officers led the prisoner from the cathedral, then followed them out.

The archbishop grinned. "Thank you, Miss Teeger," he said, before yelling, "and you, Mr. Monk!"

"Don't mention it!" Adrian shouted from the doorway. "Can we go now?"

"I'm sorry about that," Natalie whispered. "Mr. Monk's just, well..."

"I understand," the archbishop whispered back. "You have the patience of a saint."

"Of course saints are patient!" Monk yelled. "It's easy when you're dead! Can we go now?"

Natalie scowled. "Ears like a bat."

"I heard that!"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Dead Drop
Fandom: Lost
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Sinner."


A theme park, Sayid thought, was an unnecessarily ostentatious location for a simple exchange. Where was his contact? Sayid finally spotted him, exiting the log flume. The man was gesturing back toward the ride. Had the idiot left the package?

Sayid quickly jumped the barriers and ran to the woman and small boy boarding the fake log. "Honey! I can't believe I almost missed you guys," he said, climbing in.

The ride started. "Who are you?" the woman asked.

"Nobody of consequence."

"You lied," the boy said. "That's a sin."

Sayid found the package under the seat. "I've committed worse."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Villain Material?
Fandom: Masters of the Universe
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Savior."


Skeletor pinched the air where his nose used to be. "Beast Man, where did you find this guy?"

"Spikor and I were raiding this village, and there he was. We got to talking, you know, and I asked him to join us."

"I see. And what did he say that made you think he was evil?"

"Well," Beast Man said, "it was his name. He has the -or ending like you do, Skeletor."

"That's it?"

"And Spikor," Beast Man continued, "Stinkor, Webstor, Ninjor, Grizzlor, Dragstor, Mosquitor..."

Skeletor yelled, "Enough! Despite how his name ends, this Savior is not actually evil!"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Zoo Poo Clue Crew
Fandom: The Lone Gunmen
Rating: PG
Notes: The challenge theme was "Killer."


"Guys," Jimmy said, holding back tears, "we gotta take this murdering psycho down."

Byers patted him on the back. "We will."

"What kind of person mutilates a zoo elephant?" Langley asked.

Frohike paused in his search of the enclosure. "Where does an elephant do his business?"

"What's that got to do with anything?" Jimmy cried.

"Anywhere he wants," Langley said.

"So where," Frohike asked, "is it?" The others looked around. There was no dung anywhere. "Five bucks says Jumbo's missing his digestive tract."

Byers nodded. "He wanted something the elephant ate. And the mutilations..."

"To throw everyone off," Frohike finished.


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Intolerable Acts
Fandom: Nero Wolfe
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Martyr."


I listened as Fritz filled me in. If it weren't for the lump visible through the bandage, I'd never have believed some mugger had knocked him on the head right on our block. At least they?d caught the guy right away. "Still, I wish I'd been here," I told him.

We heard the elevator coming down, and I wondered what Wolfe's reaction had been.

"Intolerable!" he bellowed, by way of greeting. "Absolutely intolerable! Those cretinous policemen had the temerity to force me to go outside to look at some man I'd never seen before in my life! Out there, Archie!"

 

Week 13

* * * * * * * * * *

Title: The Latch of Monticello
Fandom: National Treasure
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Hold Back the Darkness."


Ben carefully adjusted the dials. "Will you hold that flashlight steady?" he snapped. "Any shadow hits this lock, it resets and we have to start all over."

"Sorry," Riley said. "Why are we bothering with this again?"

"This was designed by Thomas Jefferson. I'm not about to smash my way through it."

"What I mean," Riley asked, "is why am I even holding this flashlight? Why can't we turn on the lights? Or open the window? It's noon outside, you know."

Ben grinned. "Now where'd be the fun in that?"

"Says the man who put Jefferson's lock on his fridge."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Testimony for Nothing
Fandom: Night Court
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Take a Stand."


"How does your client plead?" Harry asked.

"He said he won't tell me unless he gets to testify," Christine said.

"He does know this is just the arraignment, right?"

Christine shrugged. "I've tried telling him that."

"Okay. Why," Harry asked the man directly, "do you want to testify? It won't count for anything."

"Have any of you seen A Few Good Men?"

Harry, Dan, and Roz raised their hands.

"I don't figure they'd let me do it at the real trial," the guy explained.

"They do frown on that," Harry admitted. "All right, get on up here, you crazy kid."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: A Day at the Zoo
Fandom: The Office
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "When You're Lost."


Pam held Jim's hand as she talked. "The sales convention was dull, so we all went to the zoo instead.

"Nice zoo," Jim added, "huge indoor jungle."

Pam smiled. "Michael kept demanding they move the polar bears into it. Around the eighth time, I thought they'd kick us out."

"Dwight did get banned," Jim said, "for life."

"He punched a llama in the petting zoo," Pam explained.

* * *

"It was asking for it," Dwight insisted. "And I barely tapped it."

* * *

Jim said, "He knocked it out."

"Cold," Pam added. "Kids were crying because they thought he'd killed it. So was Michael."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: The Soft Touch
Fandom: M.A.N.T.I.S.
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "No Solid Ground."


Miles knelt down to examine the street. "I'm at the edge of it now. The surface is somewhat softened. Not wet, just rubbery."

From the lab, John radioed, "Be careful, Miles. We don't know when or how quickly it will reharden."

"I understand," Miles said. He stepped cautiously forward. Soon, the elasticity gave way to liquid. "I'm close now."

He heard a low whine and dodged, but the missile still glanced off his exoskeleton and sent him sprawling.

"John, I can tell you how quickly it hardens," he radioed. "Less than one second. I may need a hand getting unstuck."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: My Mother the Confessional
Fandom: My Mother the Car
Rating: PG
Notes: The challenge theme was "There's Only Us."


"Davy, calm down," Mother said. "There's no way Barbara is cheating on you. The girl simply hasn't got the imagination for it."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course, I am. I love you, son, and I wouldn't want you to go through what your father did."

Dave gasped. "Mom? You had an affair?"

"Affairs, plural. You were two before I was even sure your dad was really your dad. Did he ever tell you I died in bed?"

"Yes, but I thought he meant asleep," Dave said, "not sleeping with another man!"

"Men, dear. It's how I would've wanted to go."

 

for M.A.N.T.I.S. and Night Court. Awesome use of the prompts.

 

Thanks. I... hold on a sec. I have a reader? I have a reader! I HAVE A READER!





Uh oh. I didn't frighten her off, did I?

Dangit.

 

Scare me off? Neva! You. Write. Good Thing.

 

I'm just not used to having a reader. I don't know if I can handle the pressure. Anyway, here's a new set.

Week 14

* * * * * * * * * *

Title: The Crane Mutiny
Fandom: Nebulous
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Whispering."


"But just yesterday, the whispering crane was on the verge of extinction," Nebulous said.

"And today, your cloned cranes control three Houses of Parliament!" Sir Ronald Rolands told him. "Unless you find a way to reverse what you've done, Nebloss, we'll be living in a cranocracy by week's end!"

"Oh no. This is terrible. Wait, it is bad, isn't it?"

"Catastrophic!" Sir Ronald exclaimed. "I don't want to have to answer to some birds! Not again!"

"Just one thing puzzles me," Nebulous said. "How did the cranes take over Parliament?"

"By general election! Curse them and their effective whispering campaign!"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: The Haunted House Horror
Fandom: The Perils of Penelope Pitstop
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Haunting."


"Eek!" Penelope shrieked. "It's a ghost!" She turned and ran up the stairs.

The Hooded Claw briefly lifted his sheet and laughed before running after her.

One flight up, Penelope ran past two more specious specters. "Triple eek!"

The Bully Brothers joined their boss in giving chase.

Above them, Penelope shouted, "Quadruple eek! Now there are four little ol' ghosts!"

There are four ghosts?

"There are four ghosts?" the Hooded Claw repeated. He stopped and tore the sheets off himself and each Bully Brother, but one remained. Cautiously, he raised that sheet, but there was nothing underneath! "Blast! A real gh-gh-gh-gh-ghost!"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Quest for Quatchi
Fandom: Psych
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Lingering."


"Hey, pal!"

Gus sighed. "How much do you need, Shawn?"

"What makes you think I was going to ask for two hundred dollars?"

"Two hundred? For what?"

"The Olympic store has a giant plush Quatchi for forty bucks! It's five feet tall!"

"So why do you need two hundred?" Gus asked.

"Shipping charges, duh."

"Forget it."

"Come on!" Shawn whined. "What better way to show your Olympic spirit than a stuffed bigfoot?"

"Olympic spirit? Shawn, the games ended three months ago."

"For another hundred, you can get a matching three-foot Mukmuk for yourself."

Gus yelled, "I am not your sidekick!"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Squirrel's Aloud
Fandom: Over the Hedge
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Echoing."


RJ held aloft his latest prize. "This is a microphone. You talk into it, and your voice comes out even louder."

"Can I try it?" Spike asked.

"Knock yourself out, kid." RJ handed him the mic.

"Hello!" Spike said, his voice amplified and reverberating. "Ooh, echoey."

"I know what those are!" Hammy yelled, popping up behind RJ. "They always used to fool me, make me think they were another squirrel, but now I know better, I do!" He darted over to the microphone. "Echo-cho-cho-cho!" He looked up suddenly. "Who was that? Who's there?" His eyes narrowing, he whispered, "Heeeeee's baaaaaaack!"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Phasing Out
Fandom: Quantum Leap
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Murmuring."


Sam staggered along the empty street. "Al, buddy, where are you?"

The soft murmuring that seemed to come from everywhere around him grew louder. He could make out one word: "Sam!"

"Al!" he yelled. "Where are you? I can't see you!"

"Yeah, well, you're the only one." Al avoided eye contact with the dozens of staring suburbanites.

"What's going on?" Sam asked. "I've been here for hours and haven't seen anyone!"

"Ziggy thinks you're out of phase with reality. She doesn't know how to get- Kid, I'm a hologram, not a ghost. Now stop with the poking and beat it!"

 

Week 15

* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Armed Response
Fandom: The Pretender
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Restrained."


Miss Parker didn't smile when she saw Jarod emerge from a doorway down the block; she just hissed, "Gotcha," and raced after him. Instead of running, though, he merely grinned and walked back inside. Unholstering her gun, she followed.

* * *

As the effects of the taser wore off, Miss Parker found herself lying prone with plastic riot cuffs binding her wrists. "And that, ladies and gentlemen," a woman was saying, "is just how easy it is to subdue an armed assailant." She bent down and whispered, "Thanks! When Jarod offered to help with my demonstration, I didn't expect anything that realistic!"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Reindeer Down Under
Fandom: Robbie the Reindeer
Rating: PG
Notes: The challenge theme was "Controlled."


"Donner, I'm putting my hoof down!" Robbie said. "Ah. I see you're angry; your nostril's flaring. Now, this isn't because the guys called me whipped. Why's your sister's wedding in Australia, anyway, with its topless beaches and surfer dudes?"

"Surfer dudes?" Old Jingle yelled. "Can I come?"

"No! We definitely need our own place."

"Robbie," Donner asked, "are you jealous?"

"Always. Besides, Em broke Prancer's heart."

"That was a one-night stand three years ago!" Donner said.

"Aye, and it ruined him for other women."

"Best night of my life!" Prancer shouted.

"You're right," Donner conceded. "We need our own place."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Pumped Up
Fandom: Red Dwarf
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Defined."


After several minutes' effort, Dave levered himself into a sitting position on the bed. "Kryten!"

"Yes, Mr. Lister, sir?"

"What do you know about this?" Dave lifted his shirt; his usual flab was gone, replaced by taut, chiselled musculature.

"Ah," Kryten said. "I must have had the electrical stimulators set too high last night."

"You what?"

"While you were sleeping, I used intravenous protein shakes and electrical stimulators to exercise your glutes, abs, delts-"

"And my arms and legs?" Dave asked.

"I intend to start on those next week."

"I can't lift my massive smegging torso out of bed!"

"Ah."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Try, Try Again
Fandom: Pushing Daisies
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Resolved."


"What do you mean he didn't do it?" Emerson yelled. "The guy confessed! The case is solved! We got our reward money!"

"I mean," Ned said, "he didn't do it."

"Did I mention the part about the reward money?"

Chuck slid in next to Emerson. "We worked it out. He couldn't have done it."

"Figures you're behind this," Emerson grumbled. "If he didn't do it, why confess?"

"Who knows? Figure that out, you may solve the case," she said.

"I already solved it once."

"Now we can solve it again," Ned said. "Resolve it, as it were."

Emerson winced. "Great."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Ocean's Five
Fandom: Ocean's Eleven (2001)
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Unlimited."


"You know we all love you like a brother," Danny said. "The others would be here for you if they could. But just getting into the country-"

Yen yelled at him some more. Basher and Livingston sat in awkward silence.

"Yes, we all remember that you were there for Reuben. And the Malloys. And Bruiser. No, nobody thinks you're less important than him. Well, okay, yes, the worry that we could disappear into the Chinese penal system and suffer a lifetime of continual torture at the hands of authorities unfettered by human rights concerns did come up once or twice."

 

Week 16

* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Promoting from Within
Fandom: Profit
Rating: PG
Notes: The challenge theme was "Bend Over Backwards."


"I've bent over backward for this company!"

"Judging by the video," Profit said, "it seems she did most of the bending."

"Human Resources signed off on our relationship!"

"They didn't sign off on your office acrobatics or on airing them on our own website."

"We didn't do that!"

Profit shrugged. "Someone did."

"So? We're still the ones fired."

"No, just you. She was your subordinate; she could claim sexual harassment, huge lawsuit. Instead, we're making her department manager."

"You're giving her my job?"

* * *

Profit grinned. "Congratulations, manager."

"Thanks, sir"

"And those changes we discussed earlier?"

"Implementing them as we speak."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: An Axe to Mind
Fandom: Raines
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Axe to Grind."


Raines glanced over at the hallucination of Mrs. Blum; she grinned wickedly and ran her thumb along one of her weapon's blades, then stood and made a few practice swings. He shook his head and tried to turn his attention back to reality. "You, uh, said your grandmother owned a battleaxe?"

"No," the young man said, "she was a battleaxe! You know, a tough old bird, the kind nobody'd want to mess with."

"Well, somebody, um, certainly, ah, messed with her," Raines stammered. He looked over at the hallucination, which sat there, weaponless and pouting.

"Darn, I liked that axe."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: This Little Light
Fandom: Paranoia
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Rise and Shine."


As UDC Sector melted into radioactive slag behind them, the survivors of the battle staggered into the elevator. The Troubleshooters stared at the floor, avoiding eye contact with the Armed Forces troops.

Several minutes into its ascent, the elevator screeched to a halt, and the lights went out. A weak white glow filled the stilled car, and almost everyone thought a variation of the same thought: "Oh no, I'm glowing! I hope nobody notices."

"Friend citizen," somebody said, "you appear to be glowing above your security clearance."

* * *

Official reports listed the triumphant battle of UDC Sector as having no survivors.


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: The Tongue in the Cheek
Fandom: Seinfeld
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Tongue and Cheek."


"It was a funny movie," George said, "very tongue-and-cheek."

Elaine glared at him. "Did you just say 'tongue-and-cheek'?"

"Yeah, it means it's funny, you know."

"'Tongue-in-cheek,' George," she corrected. "The expression's 'tongue-in-cheek.'"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I don't know. Maybe when people told jokes, they put their tongue in their cheek." She opened her mouth wide and pressed her tongue against her inner cheek.

"That's stupid. I don't do that. Jerry, do you do that during your act?"

Jerry shrugged and kept eating.

"See?" George said. "Who does that? Why can't the expression be 'tongue-and-cheek'?"

"Because that's even stupider."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Quatermass and the Firestorm
Fandom: Quatermass
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Without a Doubt."


Bernard slammed his fist down. "There's no doubt in my mind that this course you're so determined to pursue can only end in disaster!"

"Our apologies for not consulting you, Professor Quatermass, but we've already decided. Next time, we'll remember to ask you first."

"This isn't about me!" Bernard screamed. "I'm telling you you're making a fundamental mistake!"

"What, pray tell, is that?"

"The twelve of us, in this small room, tonight, into the wee hours if necessary," Bernard said, "will only have access to that one tiny loo, and you ordered takeaway from somewhere called Curry Inferno?"

"Ah, right."

 

Week 17

* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Inception Obsession
Fandom: South Park
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Yearning."


"That movie was awesome!" Stan yelled.

"That was the greatest thing I've seen in my life," Kyle said.

"I'd totally like to go into people's dreams and make them think whatever I want," Cartman added.

Kenny mumbled his agreement.

"Really?" Stan asked. "Whose mind would you go into?"

"Duh. I'd go into Leonardo DiCaprio's dreams," Cartman said, "and make him want to be my friend and hang out with me all the time. That'd be super cool."

Kenny mumbled something, and the other two laughed. "Yeah," Kyle agreed, "Cartman's gay for Leonardo DiCaprio!"

"Shut up!" Cartman screamed. "I am not!"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: A Gentlemanly Pursuit
Fandom: Raffles
Rating: PG
Notes: The challenge theme was "Jealousy."


I was still sat huddled in the doorway as the sun started to rise; the Count had not returned, but nor had my old friend yet emerged from the house. Had he been caught, finally done up over a matter of petty jealousy?

I had not known I was muttering aloud until, "As I said before, Bunny, there's nothing petty about my jealousy."

I'm not ashamed to admit I fell over on hearing Raffles whispering into my ear.

"Did you not," he added, "meet the Countess yourself last evening?"

"What kept you?" I demanded brusquely.

"A true gentleman never tells."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Petty Theft Auto
Fandom: The Red Green Show
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Possession."


"Out on bail already, Mike?" Red asked.

"Once I proved I'd stolen the car, they released me."

"Huh?"

"They almost charged me with possession of an illicit substance!" Mike said.

"You stole a car with drugs in it?"

"Worse! Potpourri!"

"That's pretty illicit, all right," Red agreed.

"They're letting me go if I'll testify against the car's owner."

"Who's that?"

The door flew open and Harold staggered into the lodge. "Uncle Red! My car was stolen, and now the cops are after me!"

"Don't run," Mike warned, "or they'll throw the book at you!"

Red added, "I hope it's heavy."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Into the Drink
Fandom: The Thin Man
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Addiction."


"Nicky!" Nora screamed, her grip on the deck railing slipping.

"Dear, how'd you get down there?" Nick reached down through the railing and started to pull her up.

"Someone pushed me!"

"Hold on. Can you swing your legs up onto the deck?"

She shook her head. "The gin! When I went over, I caught the bottle between my knees!"

"That's my girl," he said. "Let it go."

"Let it go?"

"Let it go."

Reluctantly, she let the bottle fall. "Nick, I never expected you to let alcohol go to waste."

"I'm addicted to you, baby. Makes me do weird things."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: All in How You Ask
Fandom: 24
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Wanting."


Jack surprised the younger man by leaping out of his seat, reaching across the table, and grabbing him by his shirt. He then lifted him off the ground and yanked him around the table. He slammed the guy against the wall, his forearm putting pressure on the throat, and yelled, "Tell me what I want to know!"

"I don't know what you want!" the young man cried, tears streaming down his cheeks.

"Tell me now!"

"You haven't asked a question!"

"Does the bread," Jack shouted, "come with the meal, or is it extra?"

"It's complimentary," the waiter blubbered. "It's complimentary!"

 

Week 18

* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Ace or Acicle
Fandom: Space Ace
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Red."


The heavy metal door creaked open, and the light flooded in. Silhouetted against it was Kimberly, standing proudly, her copper tresses blowing behind her. If Dexter's tear ducts weren't frozen, he would've cried.

"Dexter, what are you doing in here?" she demanded. "Why haven't you energized?"

He tried to answer but couldn't even get his teeth to chatter.

"Here, let me." She stepped into the freezer and hit the activator.

Dexter immediately grew taller, older, more muscular. "That actually hurts when you're frozen," Ace said. "Thanks, you really saved me, this time. I won't forget it."

"I won't let you."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: The Show Must Go On
Fandom: This Is Spinal Tap
Rating: PG
Notes: The challenge theme was "Brown."


"It's like they say," Nigel said, "'the show must go on.'"

"Some of your shows haven't gone on lately, have they?" Marty asked.

"Not lately, no," David admitted. "But the show used to have to go on. Once, Derek performed an entire concert in Berlin-"

"Do we have to tell this one?" Derek complained.

"No, it's a good one," Nigel said.

"Anyway," David continued, "just after we went on, he dropped a load, right in his pants. He never stopped playing, did the whole show with brown dribbling down his trousers."

Derek shook his head. "It wasn't the whole show."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Where's Johnny?
Fandom: Viva Variety
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Black."


"As you see," Mr. Laupin said, "Johnny Blue Jeans and the Swimsuit Squad aren't here. We've sent them overseas to entertain our troops."

"Meredith, did you remember to tell our troops they were coming?" Agatha asked.

"I... ah... we're getting a transmission!"

On the monitor, Johnny stood alone in a vast desert. "Hello, America!"

"Where are you now?" Meredith asked.

"I don't know."

"Where's the Swimsuit Squad?"

"Some men came by earlier," Johnny said. "I didn't understand their language, but I think they offered the ladies a lift to town. They also gave me this goat that I've named Laverne."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: The Zero's Journey
Fandom: The Simpsons
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Yellow."


The Moenster ran a gnarled, charred hand down Marge's mustard cheek. "You will marry me, Princess Midge."

"I'm already married! That's bigamy!"

"Let Marge go!" Prince Homer, in full, resplendent armor, strode into the chamber.

"How'd you get here?" the Moenster demanded.

"I crossed the Nightmare Jungle, the Terror Mountains, the Really Spooky Caves, the-"

"Yeah, okay, whatever."

"On the way," Homer added, "I found this! The Blade of Awesomeness!"

The Moenster gasped. "My one weakness! Say, Prince Homer, did you know I have a quicksand pit in here?"

"Really?" Homer asked.

"You should. You've been sinking in it."

"D'oh!"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: The Snows of Eternity
Fandom: Sapphire and Steel
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Blue."


Sapphire, where are we? Steel didn't try to speak over the snowstorm, preferring to use telepathy.

She responded the same way. Somewhere in Antarctica, I think. Time is in flux, between fifty and a hundred years earlier than it should be. It doesn't seem to be affecting this blizzard. She concentrated for a moment, and a heavier, but still fashionable, coat appeared around her.

It is cold, Steel agreed, though he made no outward sign that the weather bothered him.

There's a human belief, Sapphire thought, that no two snowflakes share the same crystalline pattern.

Steel nodded. Such quaint nonsense.

 

Week 19

* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Lactose Intolerance
Fandom: Wallace & Gromit
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Forever."


"Soon, your Wallaser ray -- correction, my Wallaser ray -- will mean the end of all dairy products forever!" Professor Sawyer bellowed.

Wallace struggled against his bonds. "Even cheese?" he asked.

"Especially cheese! Everyone will have to turn to Sawyer's Soy Substitutes!"

"You fiend!" Wallace cried. "It will be udder devastation! Why are my inventions always being corrupted by-" He paused as he saw Gromit sneaking up behind the Professor.

Sawyer caught the look and spun around, but Gromit wasn't there anymore. Instead, he edged along the underside of the Wallaser's arm until he was directly above Sawyer, and then he dropped.


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Dipsy's Desire
Fandom: Teletubbies
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Always."


"Tubby tustard!" the Teletubbies cheered. "Tubby tustard!"

The Teletubbies loved tubby custard. They loved pushing the buttons to make it come out of the machine. They loved the noise the machine made when the custard came out. They really loved that. They loved the pink colour of the tubby custard. They loved the way their tubby custard bowls worked like straws, with the custard going around and around the sides. And they loved the flavour.

It was all they ate, every day. They didn't know any other foods. So why did Dipsy feel so sad?

Dipsy pouted. "I wanna thteak."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Guest on Show
Fandom: 30 Rock
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Never."


"As you know, Liz Lemon," Tracy said, "I get to pick the guest host if I have to be away."

Liz nodded. "Yes, but you have to pick a human. The network says no more birds after last year's parrot incident. Never again."

"Yesterday, I met the perfect person in this tunnel underground!"

"The subway?"

"No, I think it was the sewer," Tracy said. "I'm not allowed in the subway anymore. Anyway, I was down there, and there was Betty White."

* * *

"As you know," Jenna said, "I-"

"No parrots and no Betty White."

Jenna considered. "I'll get back to you."


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Walksies
Fandom: Up
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Maybe."


Dug bounded onto the flight deck. "Master! Master! Can I go for a walk?"

"We're hundreds of feet in the air," Carl grunted.

"Oh yes, that is a good point," Dug said. "How long until we are back on the ground?"

"An hour, maybe two."

"Can I go for a walk then?"

"Yeah, sure," Carl said.

"Can you take me?" Dug asked. "I like it when you take me for a walk."

"No."

"Please? Pretty please?" Dug begged.

"Maybe."

Dug danced around. "Oh boy, oh boy! We are going for a walk! Has it been an hour, maybe two, yet?"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Eternity's Wake
Fandom: World of Warcraft
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Eternity."


Tyrande stood at the railing and silently stared out to sea. Out there, the Maelstrom raged undiminished by ten thousand years, still destroying any foolish enough to come near. This island was as close as she dared get to it; to the place she had once called home. Ten thousand years, Tyrande thought sadly, all because of...

"Azshara?"

Tyrande, shaken from her thoughts, turned. A goblin stood there, pushing a cart.

"Yeah, night elf, wanna buy one of my Azshara dolls?" the goblin asked. "See, her head bobbles 'cause it's on a spring."

"No thank you."

"How about a keychain, then?"

 

Week 20

* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Zorro Leaves His Mark
Fandom: Zorro
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Introduction."


The bullwhip cracked, knocking the guards' swords from their hands. The figure in black then lashed out three times with his own rapier before sweeping through the office and out the window. By the time anyone reacted, he was gone.

"Who was that?" the new Alcalde wondered. "And why did he attack my chair?"

"Did no one tell you about Zorro?" one of the guards asked.

"How notorious is this vandal who hates fine upholstery?"

"That is just his symbol," another guard explained. "It's a Z for Zorro. He's a local crusader for justice."

"But how was my chair unjust?"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: The Pen Pal Is Mightier
Fandom: Wacky Races
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Narration."


Way out in the lead, it's Dick Dastardly. I wonder what dirty trick he has up his sleeve this time.

"Nothing."

Nothing?

"That's right," Dick said. "I promised my new girlfriend I'd win this race without cheating."

How did you ever get a girlfriend?

"We're pen pals. I'm meeting her for the first time at the finish line."

Speaking of the finish line, there it is! This is unprecedented! Dick Dastardly has come in first! At the finish to meet him is... hey, is that the Slag brothers' Slag sister Quarry?

"What?" Dick gasped.

Quarry waved. "Ooga booga, Dickie baby!"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Give Me a Home
Fandom: Ugly Americans
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Affirmation."


New York's a big city, and we all have to find our own place in it.

"So, will you sign off on my new apartment, Mr. Lilly?" The hovering egg's shell flashed as he spoke.

"There's no way this is a legal apartment," Mark said.

"But look how high the ceiling is! That's like twelve feet!"

"Yes," Mark agreed, "but your floor space is less than most jail cells. There's no fire escape access, and where's the bathroom?"

"Down the hall."

"What are you paying for this closet?" Mark asked.

"Five hundred a month."

"Really? Do you want a roommate?"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Night of the Big No
Fandom: The Wild Wild West
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Negation."


Dr. Loveless nodded toward the henchmen holding Artie. "Throw Mr. Gordon off the plank." They dragged him to the window overlooking the cliff while other underlings propped up a long wooden board.

"You can't be serious," Artie said as they pushed him up and off. "You really can't be serious! I think you're serious! Noooooooooo!" He fell from view, and his scream faded away.

"Now," Dr. Loveless said, "go out there and scrape him off the side of the building." He shouted, "Did you really think I'd fall for your fakery, Mr. Gordon?"

"I was hoping! I was really hoping!"


* * * * * * * * * *

Title: Table for One
Fandom: Veronica Mars
Rating: G
Notes: The challenge theme was "Conclusion."


Hendricks leaned out of his office. "Agent Mars, find Agent Carter. I need to have a word."

Yay, he's learned my name. After just one month.

Minutes later, they stood in the office. "Congratulations," Hendricks said, "on closing the Gallegos case. Anything I should know about it?"

"Such as?" Carter asked.

"Did Agent Mars kick a table into our suspect?"

"Ah," Veronica said. "He was fleeing, and I was going to leap off the table to tackle him, but my footing was off, and, uh..."

"The table tackled him instead," Hendricks finished. "If he was fleeing, I'm satisfied. Good work."