Saga Mustafar Revisited (Humor Challenge) Posted 31 May 06

NOTE: This is in response to a challenge to re-write the Mustafar scene and substitute Padme and Anakin with another couple. There. The stage has been set (literally). Enjoy.

Title: Mustafar Revisited
Author: BaronCoop
Characters: Leia, Dark Han, and a cameo by Obi-Wan!
Notes: I have ventured away from the typical story by making this into a play so you can act it out at home! It?s easy! Just dig a big trench in your yard, fill it with baking soda, then throw in a bottle of red food coloring and a bottle of vinegar, and VIOLA! Instant Mustafar! Anyway, our scene starts off with a man in a dark cloak staring at a silvery ship that is settling in for a landing next to the lava.

The ship lands with a hiss of gas, and the landing bay slowly comes to the ground. Inside, our young heroine looks nervously towards the dark, hooded man.

Leia: Han? Is ... is that you?

The dark man pulls off his hood to reveal the familiar face of Han Solo, only much angrier, and with strange pupils for eyes.

Leia: Han, dear? What happened to your eyes? What?s going on?

Han (growling): My eyes? I?ll tell you what happened to my eyes! Those damned jedi messed up my lasik operation! THAT?S what happened to my eyes!

Leia (running towards Han protectively): Oh my poor man! It?ll be ok! I?ll just get some of the jedi to heal...

Han (interrupting her roughly): No! No more jedi! This is the last straw! I?m never going back to those wizards!

Han looks down for a moment before continuing defiantly

Han: Besides, I can?t go back. After the botched surgery, I killed all of the younglings in the Temple.

Leia (slightly shocked and confused): Really? That seems ... extreme. And how did you manage to kill a bunch of jedi? And why ...

Han cuts her off again.

Han: Look, we?re not here to talk about plot holes. I?m here because I am about to go over to the Dark Side of the Force!

Han lifts his arms to the sky and cackles maniacally.

Leia: Who laughs like that?

Han: Sith do. Come! (Han beckons) Join me in the Dark Side!

Leia: Han ....... you?re not a jedi. How are you going to go to the Dark Side? Now just come home with me.

Han (glaring at Leia): NEVER! I will rule this galaxy! You are either with me or against me! S-I-T-H! Sith! Sith! Sith! Goooooooooooo Sith! (Cackles again)

Leia: Ooooook. I can see this isn?t going to get me anywhere. I?m going home. You can come with me, or you can sleep on the couch tonight.

Han: I don?t NEED the couch! I have ultimate power!!

Han lifts his fists into the sky again with a look of pure concentration and strain on his face.

*POP*

Leia: What was that noise?

A look of shock washes over Han?s face right before he crumples to the ground.

Han: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

Leia: (exasperated): Oh great. You threw your back out again didn?t you?

Han (still on the ground): aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh.

Leia: What am I supposed to do now?

Obi-Wan enters the scene from stage left.

Obi-Wan (resignedly): I got it.

The jedi pauses in his walk across the stage just long enough to push Han into the lava before continuing across the stage.

Leia (calling after Obi-Wan): Is that your solution to EVERYTHING?!

END


EDIT: If you like this one, I re-re-did this scene here:
Mustafar Revisited Again

 

Bwa-ha-haaa-ha!


Han: Look, we?re not here to talk about plot holes. I?m here because I am about to go over to the Dark Side of the Force!


Funny stuff!

 

Hilarious!

 

that was hilarious!

i loved how han was so... just so out there, yet so undeniably han. great job on stretching his tendencies, that's not something i really do too well. loved it.

also loved obi-wan's solution... and leias reaction.

Obi-Wan enters the scene from stage left.

Obi-Wan (resignedly): I got it.

The jedi pauses in his walk across the stage just long enough to push Han into the lava before continuing across the stage.

Leia (calling after Obi-Wan): Is that your solution to EVERYTHING?!

definitly the best part. i literally laughed out loud with that.

great job.

 

Hahahahahahahaha!!! OMG, that was so hilarious. Ow, my side hurts now. I hope you're happy I am!

I would pay good money to see this performed on stage. Awesome job. Bravo!! Bravo!!

Cheers,
Wyo

 

I have ventured away from the typical story by making this into a play so you can act it out at home! It?s easy! Just dig a big trench in your yard, fill it with baking soda, then throw in a bottle of red food coloring and a bottle of vinegar, and VIOLA! Instant Mustafar!

Oh, goodygoodygoodygoody!!

Wait--but I rent. The landlord won't like that. I'll just have to put red bulbs in the bathroom light sockets and use the bathtub. ::

Han: Besides, I can?t go back. After the botched surgery, I killed all of the younglings in the Temple.

Well, we all do have days like that . . .


Leia: Who laughs like that?

Han: Sith do. Come! (Han beckons) Join me in the Dark Side!

Leia: Han ....... you?re not a jedi. How are you going to go to the Dark Side? Now just come home with me.

Han (glaring at Leia): NEVER! I will rule this galaxy! You are either with me or against me! S-I-T-H! Sith! Sith! Sith! Goooooooooooo Sith! (Cackles again)

I loved this whole section--especially Leia's entirely reasonable question as to how Han's going to go to the Dark Side of nothing, and Han's . . . unusual, take on swearing allegiance to the Sith. I think they should scrap that oh-so-flat "I will do anything you ask" line from ROTS and re-shoot it with your dialogue instead. It has so much more . . . emphasis.

Han: I don?t NEED the couch! I have ultimate power!!

He has a point. Who needs furniture when you have "POWAH! UNLIMAHTED POWAH!!!!!" This also reminded me of that part in "The Jerk" where Steve Martin's character says something to the effect of, "I don't need you! I just need . . . my remote control. And my chair. And this paddle-ball game . . ."


Obi-Wan (resignedly): I got it.

The jedi pauses in his walk across the stage just long enough to push Han into the lava before continuing across the stage.

Leia (calling after Obi-Wan): Is that your solution to EVERYTHING?!

Yes. VCR clock keeps blinking at "12:00:00" all the time? Into the lava. The bank sends you "time sensitive material" *after* the expiration date printed on the letter? Into the lava. The stupid lawn-mowing kid misses half the lawn but mows down your flower garden instead? Into the lava.

Good old Obi-Wan. The predictable, stable center of the saga. Homicidal maniac too, but that hardly stands out.

Great job with this--I laughed really hard.

 

Wow! Thanks for all the feedback and ego-boosting words of wisdom! I wrote two titles yesterday, and they both sank to page 5 within 30 seconds (which I thought was rather odd), and then I start getting feedback on this one before I even started writing it! I must figure out that flux capacitor after all! Or I'm going to ..... or I already did? Stupid time travel.

 

Did you throw out your back again? Oh man! Too good!

You know...I might consider that "Mustafar in my back yard" idea...I have some spare time this weekend

Great stuff!

 

If the humour thread dies now, this has well been worth it. Hilarious, I love it.
*looks at all the comments above*
I don't feel I cluld say anything that wouldn't be redundant, oh, what the hell....

Han: I don?t NEED the couch! I have ultimate power!!
Delusions of power, hehe. The thought of Han really believeing it makes me laugh all on its own. *laughs*

Leia: (exasperated): Oh great. You threw your back out again didn?t you?
Ha-ha! *points*
I like exasperated people, they are funny.

The jedi pauses in his walk across the stage just long enough to push Han into the lava before continuing across the stage.

Leia (calling after Obi-Wan): Is that your solution to EVERYTHING?!
Pricelss, just plain priceless.

 

thanks for the laughs, it was great

 

Obi-Wan (resignedly): I got it.

The jedi pauses in his walk across the stage just long enough to push Han into the lava before continuing across the stage.

Leia (calling after Obi-Wan): Is that your solution to EVERYTHING?!

This was hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!! Man, I loved this!

for the laughs!

 

Obi-Wan enters the scene from stage left.

Obi-Wan (resignedly): I got it.

The jedi pauses in his walk across the stage just long enough to push Han into the lava before continuing across the stage.

Leia (calling after Obi-Wan): Is that your solution to EVERYTHING?!

END

Very funny. Loved the entire thing. Leia just isn't going to put up with any stuff is she? Or Obi-Wan, either.

 

Oh dear... that was really way too funny for words!!

 

*Starts snorting uncontrollably*

 

Go obi.

 

Absolutly hilairious

 

Han: I don?t NEED the couch! I have ultimate power!!

I am going to spend the rest of my life waiting for an excuse to use that line.

Great stuff! Poor Obi, always cleaning up after everyone. *g*

 

Why thank you everyone.

*DEEP INHALE*


Ahhhhhhhhh, that's the wonderful smell of feedback!

 

I can't decide which one of your challenge responses I like better.

Leia...

Absolutely beautiful.

I'm never going to get that image out of my head.

 

Absolutely hysterical!!!

LOVED it!

 

Hee! Hysterical!! I absolutely, positively adored this!!

Way to go!

 

Huh. The other comment I left didn't seem to take. Hmmmmmmm. Anyway, to paraphrase: blah blah blah, I can't decide which one I like either ... blah blah blah it warms the cockles of my heafrt to read lovely comments like this .... blah blah blah I love you all.