Saga My Lips are Sealed- Episode III, Anakin's POV (repost) |03-27-03|

I'll post every day here, since I have the whole story finished, and I hope you enjoy everything!

Anakin, having become the Chancellor's bodyguard, is growing closer to the Dark Side, despite his wishes to stay away from it. As his wife begins to realize that something is wrong, he makes a deal with Sidious--he will train an apprentice to corrupt and give to Sidious as the new Sith Lord, if Sidious will then leave him. Intending to break the deal, Anakin finds himself caught in a snare as time goes by.

__________________________

Chapter One: Grow Weaker

At first, the simple things were enough for Padmé. It was romantic enough for me to send her flowers, to take her out for dinners, to scribble down gushy, heart-breaking confessions in the form of poetry, the stanzas eating up durasheets faster and faster in my throes of passion. But that was years before, when the heated flame that kept us alive still burned strong. But it decayed. She played politics for years with a steady hand and a steadier eye. I learned about her what once would have been a secret.

And she learned my secrets in turn. That was the way marriage worked, and someone should have warned me before I slipped into that area. After I went into Palpatine?s service, Padmé learned about my growing interest in the Sith?their prophecies, philosophies, records, anything. She did not approve, and her words on the matter stung.

?You aren?t a child anymore, Anakin! You can?t play with fire and think that you will never be burned!?

Force, how much her words stung. I wanted to please Padmé, and I stopped the searches for a while. Then my performance began to slip?it was like withdrawal, but that word implies addiction, and I would never become addicted. I had seen addicts before on the missions Obi-Wan and I took to the dregs of the galaxy?seen them crouched up and shuddering, craving a needle, a wrap of spice, one last, fatal high.

That wasn?t me.

I read the words in front of me again, slowly, achingly. A dull headache throbbed behind my temples, something a Jedi could rid easily, but I had found that I enjoyed the pain that the more frequent ones caused. It would make me stronger. Pain was my ally, despite what Obi-Wan would have said.

It was an age-old description of a battle between a Sith and a Jedi. I tried to ignore the similarities in it that bound it closely to Master Qui-Gon?s fate. Compared to the Jedi depicted in the creeping hologram, though, Qui-Gon Jinn had the easier death. I would not describe the maiming, or what the sight of blood did to increase the adrenaline flow through my body. I told myself that I did not truly relish the way the Sith progressed across the screen, as the text described, to slaughter his enemy.

They were things that I should not have secretly enjoyed.

As the footsteps came nearer to me, I sensed a young pair of Padawans, awash in some feeble glory about a sparring tournament. That wasn?t good, though. I hadn?t even realized that there had been such an event. I should have been there, and I should have won. It wasn?t keeping up appearances to do otherwise. People would begin to wonder? and notice my time spent in the Archives. A tracer would be able to find my movements, and then?doom.

The Padawans neared, and I rapidly shut down the system, watching it die in an orange explosion of light. One of them recognized me almost immediately. ?Knight Skywalker! It?s an honor.? He bowed, his canine ears perking up slightly, hopefully. His companion was not as quick, I noted disapprovingly, but the second bow was made. ?I?m Tri Bennet and this is Gollsar Veagel. We saw you at the tournaments last year.?

?It?s nice to meet you both,? I said evenly, nodding. The two of them exchanged ecstatic glances, causing me to wonder if I was so easily pleased when I was that age. Immaturity could work wonders.

?You weren?t there today, though,? Gollsar pointed out, as if I didn?t know. ?If you don?t mind me asking, why was that??

?Alas, the life of a Knight often requires?strenuous re

 

That was ominous and creepy, Lady_Moonbeam. Even more creepy was how you compare (subtly ) Anakin's reading about Sith to addicts. And I like the fact that you don't seem to be excusing Anakin's fall. He knew what he was doing was (or at the least, could be considered to be) wrong, and that his reaction to it was not appropriate. But he did it anyway. It shows that while Palpatine probably manipulated him, it surely wasn't just that.

Okay, babbling. But very good job. You have excellent pacing, and it's very well-written.

 

Trust me, you can babble anytime you want! I love a good babbling reply!

Thanks for the insights. I do consider Anakin responsible for his fall in some ways--that it could have been avoided if he had done something different, but... he doesn't. Depressing, isn't it?

______________________________

Chapter Two: Secret Lies

The evening was well-planned, in my humble opinion. For the first time in what had to be months, I had entranced Padmé into enjoying herself. Her face glowed with a wonderful, beautiful joy. Words were spoken softly and everything was melodious, coming together with an almost audible click. As I danced with her slowly, avoiding the delicate artistry of the sculptures she had decorated our living room with, my fingers brushed back her hair.

Padmé?s breath was warm on my shoulder. ?Thank you, Ani. This was?beautiful. It?s been so long since I had any time to relax at all? what with Chancellor Palpatine and the war??

?Hush, love,? I whispered. My lips touched against hers, and as I spoke the next words, she almost giggled. ?We could run away from everything. Take a long trip to Naboo, to Alderaan? anywhere but here.?

For a moment, the warm, relaxed look in her chocolate eyes glowed, and I knew that she was honestly considering it. I raised my hand again to brush back more deep brown tresses, and then, the beautiful clarity disappeared.

?No,? she murmured. ?We can?t do that.? Her voice raised to a higher level, and I winced a little as she backed away from my touches. ?We can?t run away from what?s happening, Anakin! That isn?t an option! This isn?t a game, and we can?t throw away what?s happening in the rest of the galaxy, despite what you might want.?

?Was marrying me an attempt to run away, love??

I had long wondered that. The Clone Wars had frightened Padmé to the extent of?what? Had she been trying to make one last run for the fence, a fatal attempt to show everyone that she was in control of her life? I had welcomed it, even knowing that her declared love prior to our assumed execution was genuine, but the desire to surrender her life to me was not.

She had married me wanting happiness before a death that she could see coming. I was the balm for the open wounds of that fear, or the chocolates that she could swallow, telling herself soft lies as I comforted her.

?I love you, Anakin,? Padmé said tightly, as if she was crimping her voice so that it didn?t tremble. Her eyes met me, glazed and wet with unshed tears. ?I married you because of that.?

I held her wrist and motioned her hand behind my back, and kissed her again. But this time, the kiss wasn?t one of mine that was designed to comfort. It was harsh, throbbing with passion. I felt it, and heard the roar in my ears. I broke away from my wife, and stared at her. She had returned the action in an attempt for apology, but I could see the cool shock over her face, like static electricity.

?I?m sorry, Padmé.?

?What happened to your poetry, Anakin?? she asked me gently. ?You used to write such lovely poems.?

?I don?t know.? I heard a roar of thunder and saw slick rain pouring outside, and looked at that for a long, dragging moment. ?It doesn?t matter. It was just like running away. You?re right about that. I?m sorry.?

?Did you go to the Archives?? Padmé moved close to me, touching my hands, locking together our fingers, putting pressure on my fingertips. ?You were gone for so long, and you were acting so strangely. Did you go again, Anakin??

?No,? I lied. ?I didn?t go. I went to visit Obi-Wan.?

?Oh,? she said, and it died on her lips. The Force around her eddied with tense energy, and a distant bittersweet taste bloomed on the back of my tongue, dark and metallic. It tasted like secrets.

I swallowed the taste, but the aftermath lingered in my mouth. ?You always think the worst of me, Padmé. Why don?t you trust me??

Because I always lie. I told you quiet lies when you asked me about my day, and now the lies are growing la

 

That was so creepy!

Not only the way Anakin lied, but how Padme saw it and . . . looked away. I never really thought of it being that way, I always assumed that Padme wouldn't realize, and once or if she did, she would respond. But perhaps we like to deceive ourselves, sometimes, because its easier in some ways.

I think you're protraying this . . . gradual addiction the Dark Side, and things thereof, very well. And yes, its depressing. But its just - choice. We have free will, and that means the free will to be evil, to screw up, and everything else. It's depressing, but at least he got the chance to undo his error.

So very good post! And sorry it took me so long to see it.