My Name Is Obi-Wan Kenobi And I Am An Alcoholic-Confestions Of A Jedi Knight (SE)

I posted this on here about a year ago.Thought some of you might enjoy it (it probably should go in the SW Saga forum though,but oh well):


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Here are a few excerps from Obi-Wan's new tell-all book:

- "I always new Palpatine was a Sith lord,I mean come on,it was so obvious.You would have to be an idiot not to see it.I informed the Jedi Council many times of this,but they always assumed ol'Obi Wan had had a few too many and didn't know what he was saying."Sleep it off you must,Obi-Wan." Yoda would always say."

-"I got Yoda drunk once.Funniest thing I ever saw.He was able to stand straight up and walk without the use of his cain.He also spoke normaly (though he cussed like a smuggler),not that backwards dribble that you need a slide rule to figure out.I still couldn't get him to tell me what species he was though."

- "Midi-Chlorians were an idea I came up with after a long night of drinking.Yoda kept complaining about the youglings pestering him about how The Force worked."No no,there is no how!" Yoda would always tell them,but the kids were relentless.So I told Yoda to tell them that it worked through an organism in the Jedi's blood.He said that was the stupidest idea he ever heard of and that it would ruin the idea of The Force.He came around though when I told him we would say that he had the highest Midi-Chlorian count."

- "I have almost no memory of the LightSaber duel with Darth Maul.I had gotten pretty toasted on the way to Naboo on the Queen's ship.I have no idea to this day how I beat him.I sure as hell don't remember agreeing to train Anakin.I couldn't stand that little punk."

- "After Qui Gon was killed,Anakin was pretty upset,so I tried to cheer him up with booze and humor.I told him "Don't 'Qui' Anakin,he's 'Gon'.Here,have some 'Jinn'".He didn't think it was funny."

- "Although I criticized Anakin for always losing his LightSaber,truth is I have woken up many times to find my Lightsaber,along with my Jedi robe and clothes,nowhere to be found."

- "From the time he was an infant,I was supposed to have been training Luke to be a Jedi.What happened was one night I asked Owen and Beru Lars if they could babysit little Luke while I went out bar hopping.The next morning I had absolutely no recollection what I had done with him.You should have seen me out in the desert yelling "Luke,Luke!".I bet Owen Lars was pretty p.o.ed at me for never showing up (I still can't remember,but I think that guy might have been my brother)".

- "I took the name 'Ben' Kenobi not because I was in hiding (after all,I still used my last name),but because I honestly couldn't remeber what my first name was for over 20 years.When I told Luke I hadn't heard the name Obi-Wan in a very long time,for once I was being honest with him."

- "I know Luke and the others had no idea,but I was drunk out of my mind the entire time we were on the Death Star.I mean,I just stood there and let Vader strike me down.What was I thinking?I was so wasted.And that whole "I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine" stuff,I was just talking out my A--.I was trying to trick Vader into letting me live."

- "Ghost can't get drunk,and I always found courage at the bottom of a bottle.Without booze,I'm a terrified little coward.So that time I told Luke I couldn't interfer if he chose to face Vader was a lie.I could have.In reality,Vader scared the crap out of me.I mean,with that mask and the heavy breathing and everthing-Come on,that dude was freaking scary!"

 

^^^^ Thanks IKilledSifo-Dyas

 

Yay, thank you!! Add some more!!

 

"- "After Qui Gon was killed,Anakin was pretty upset,so I tried to cheer him up with booze and humor.I told him "Don't 'Qui' Anakin,he's 'Gon'.Here,have some 'Jinn'".He didn't think it was funny.""

That one made my day.

 

Oh my law, I Killed Sifo-Dyas!!! !! That is the funniest thing I have read in a long time! I loved every one of those excerpts!!!!

!!!

 

I remember this from last summer. Very funny stuff.

 

Oh my law, I Killed Sifo-Dyas!!! !! That is the funniest thing I have read in a long time! I loved every one of those excerpts!!!!


Thanks alot SummerMendocino (everyone else too).I posted another one of my comedy threads a few days ago that I think is alot better than this,but it died a quick death (probably because of the thread's non-revealing title).Here is the link for it:

http://boards.theforce.net/Classic_Trilogy/b10002/16451160/?0

Feel free to save it from page 2 of this forum by bumping it.

 

I never saw that one... I brought it to page 1. You really ought to write more of these. They're soooo funny!!

 

BWHUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

 

you know what's sad about this? ewan really was an alcoholic until before filming episode III, i read it in an interview last night

still very funny sifo

 

UP.............if you please.

 

I recall the original thread about Drunken Obi Wan. Here's a little bit of what I posted back then:

Obi Wan speaking
"I felt so badly for misleading young Luke back on the Falcon. The truth was, I didn't feel some "great disturbance"; I was totally smashed and I needed to sit down. The dizziness was overcoming me, and I felt like I might be sick. But I wasn't about to reveal this to Luke. After all, he was looking up to me for guidance and I needed to gain my composure. Still, though, I felt bad for lying to him."

 

Can Force Spirits get toasted, too? Maybe that explains why Ben's ghost just sort of staggers out of the bushes in ROTJ.

 

All I have to say about this is: