> I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. > Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. > The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. > Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. > There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. > Life is sexually transmitted. > Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. > The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. > Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. > Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. > Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? > Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. > All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. > In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. > How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? > Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" > Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt." > Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? > If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? > Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? > Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? > If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? >If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? > Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? > Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? > Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? > Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?