Evan, IN Need Info About The Ladies

No this is not about something durtee.

OK...I'm at a department store and checking out the latest DVD releases. A nice lady that I say hello to from time-to-time sneaks up to me and engages me in small talk about sci-fi novels and movies. I sorta became self-conscience during the conversation. I was under the impression this nice lady was seeing someone, but... I think she was sending signals, but... Anyways I'm wanting to get a group concensus on what I should do. Yes I like this lady. Could see myself dating this lady, but... I'm just not good with dating. HELP!?!?!

 

Ulkesh2,

Oh my gosh! We have something in common as I really stink at dating too. It is bad. I mean, not only.....well, this is not about me.

Ulkesh2 my boy, why not just say something like, "Wanna have a coffee sometime and discuss this further" You know, sort of do the classic lets be buddies.

If she is serious with someone, the worst that can happen is that you may end up with a new friend. Or, maybe, she is not serious with someone else. In this case, take it slow and just be buddies. It's easier to be romantic with someone who is a friend than if you just like what they look like.

Thats my idea. Hope it helps. And also, DO NOT GIVE UP ON FINDING YOUR SOUL MATE!!!!!!!!!! I haven't. I know she's out ther somewhere......

Good Luck, Buddie,

Edric

 

Well I'm not going to do anything to freak her out - like say...oh...I don't know...demonstrate who Admiral Ackbar is while at Red Lobster. Besides she already would know who Ackbar is because she does like sci-fi. I guess I am afraid of domineering the talks we might have. I can not help but go into 'talk-her-ear-off' mode. But I'm afraid if I don't keep the conversation flowing along awkward silences will encroach. What few dates I've been on this has happened. Only one was an occassion when the lady had more to say. I should have made more of an effort to stay with that one. BUT that's the game is it not? Learning from past errors and moving on. So now I MIGHT have found a nice looking lady with an interest in sci-fi. She seemed to be sending signals to me via speech patterns, body language, eye contact. But I may be reading far too much into those things. I've not had a great deal of experience with such matters. So if the ladies in our group have any suggestions please relay them. After all it seems you ladies are having an easier time at finding potential mates. The perspective of the lady folk would I think be more enlightening. Because I and Edric are guys. WE know nothing of the female mind and what makes it tick. HELP !?!?!

 

Ulkesh2,

What!? You, dominate a conversation, surely not! Periods of silence can be okay, especially if they involve hand holding. Remember what JMS said about words during the extra features of Lost Tales. We say the most when we say the least. i.e. "I love you" Three simple words. Lots of meaning. "Good-bye" succinct but full of all sorts of meaning.

Honestly, though, it will take care of itself. Just go with it and do not worry about rejection.

A little story from Edric's book. Right when they announced the title of Episode III I met and went out with a lady that, to be honest, I loved dearly from the first. We'd have long talks and when not in person email (which I looked forward too). She was probably as close as I have ever come to finding my soul mate. I've never really recovered from it not working out. But, when we were together, the words came easy and the silence was appropriate. So, hang in there, kid. It will be okay.

Pals,
Edric

 

I will concur that Kesh's best shot here is for our ladies to weigh in and help him out...

I will say this. In this case, I would not try the friends first thing. I would be friendly, but in a romantic sort of way. Basically, if all of the signals are there just go for it and ask her out to dinner...NOT LUNCH!

 

This gives me a great idea. Instead of "Who Wants to be a Superhero" on sci-fi, there should be a show where a bunch of fanboys try to help each other find true love.

Wedgesothernephew may be right. We need female input!

HEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edric

 

Lunch was the only way Tammy would go out with me.

1) Use her name often. The sweetest sound in the human language is one's own name.
2) Don't initiate physical contact. If she wants you to touch her, she will touch you first. Hand on the arm,
shoulder, that sort of thing.
3) Small talk will kill you. Get her to talk by asking her questions. People generally love to talk about themselves,
just don't interview her. She must have seen some scifi "Say, have you
seen Frankenhooker?" You can ask her if she remembers a certain scene. A piece of trivia is good to insert here as
long as the story is short.
4) Here's the hard part. LISTEN to her answers, don't be thinking about the next line. Don't ever answer a statement
with "wow, you sure have pretty eyes!" or any other comment about her physical appearance.

Okay, Pappy's done pontificating now.

 

here is some advice.

Never show your swamp stick on the first date.

 

And if she says 'yeah, all right', then ... sex is on!

But not all the time. It doesn't work that way if the President of Burundi says to you 'do you want a cup of coffee?', you shouldn't be like 'Ooh, I'm in here!'

 

teeheeheehee, you guys are all so cute

...except maybe Stacky and Mike. You two! Minds out of the gutter! There *should be* Ladies present!


yes, the coffee idea is a good one! It's non-committal, it's something you can use as either a date or a friendly outing, so there's no strings attached either way, and I'm sure she'll make up her mind as to whether it's a date or not before you do (which is prolly a good thing). If she takes you up on said coffee and things go well, move on to lunch. Make sure to get her phone number asap (either before coffee if you are meeting "later" or at coffee if you go streight from the next time you see her), but don't call it obsessivly or anything of course. If you say "I'll call you" please please actually do so.

Ummmm, yeah....just be casual with how you interact with her at first. I mean, don't be dripping with obviousness the first few times you go out. Be interested but not "omg I'm desperate for a girlfriend", lol. And be yourself! If she's going to like you, then she's going to like YOU and will not be wanting to go out to lunch with whoever you are pretending to be.

And like Navarre said, let her make the first move. With only one exception that I can think of. If you take her somewhere, and you drop her off at home, and she is fiddling with her keys...generally she's waiting for a goodbye kiss. You don't know how many guys JUST DON'T GET THAT HINT! lol. Oh, and if she's driving and decided to "take the scenic route" or go around for a drive before going home... or really uses any excuse to have you two stay in the car for longer than nessasary, she's definitly interested.

I hope I've helped at least a bit!


EDIT: I've re-read wedgesothernephew's comment that said "NOT LUNCH" and I don't quite know what to think about that warning personally....I mean, there's nothing wrong with lunch...lunch is fun and you don't have to dress up as much or spend quite as much (or if you do it can be extravagant I guess). *shrug* I dunno, I guess I'm just thinking back on my favorite dates and they happened to include a rather classy lunch. Or Tea. My guy liked to take me for Tea and that was quite wonderful. *sigh*. but then, we were both Anglophiles.

Still dunno what to think on that account except that maybe lunch should come before dinner . Red? JMJ? what about you gals? Lunch or dinner first?
(Tho DEFINITLY stick with coffee before either!)

 

Don't be afraid to ask for the date. Just be assertive and flatter her. Girls like a guy who knows what they want, even if its as simple as asking for a date. Here's an example:

You: Hi there.
Her: Hello.
(small conversation follows)
You: So, I was wondering if you would like to get some coffee with me sometime?
Her: (insert response)

I say a casual (read: Turoni's or something like that) dinner or a coffee date. (Make sure you ask her where she wants to go for dinner and go there) A lunch date, especially if she suggests it, automatically puts you in the friend zone.

Above all, be a true gentleman. Pull out her seat, open the door for her. MIND YOUR MANNERS.

If you do get the date, ask her questions about herself. Trust me, women love to talk about themselves. *Really* listen to her and base your conversation off of that. Don't divulge too much on the first date (i.e., tell her your whole family history), but do tell her about yourself (general family info, where you grew up, your interests). The less you elaborate however, the more interested she will be. Tell her any funny stories you have, but don't dominate the conversation. If you can get, and keep her laughing, you're much more likely to get a second date.

And if it goes well, set up your second date at the end of your first date. This lessens the confusion and lets her know that you really are interested.

Chuck and Leiran had some really good points. Just be yourself and if it works, it works. If not, there's someone else for you.

 

Don't start with, "Hey lets go frakk!" But you never know, it could get some good, fast results!

It's A Trap!!!!!!!!

 

The eville jedi females should hold a training day on proper date etiquete. LOL

Edric

 

Because a sci-fi fanclub meeting in a comic store is the PERFECT place for such lessons ^_^

 

Everyone so far has pretty much covered it.

Ask her if she'd like to continue the conversation for an hour over coffee sometime. (Having a set amount of time can help you guage wether or not there will be a second meeting or not. If she stays for less than an hour, chances aren't so great. If it's almost exactly an hour, she's still testing the waters and you got a 50-50 shot. If she sticks around over the alloted time, congrats, you've more than likely scored a second round.)

If she says yes, ask her when and where she'd like to go.

Give her your number (and real first and last name) in case something comes up and plans need to change.

Bring a copy of the book/movie/show you've been discussing if possible.

When you do meet, say something like "I'm so glad you could make it today."

Only one theory per meeting allowed (unless she asks for more).

Ask her what she thinks about the topic being discussed, and respond to what she says, not with completely pre-planned stuff. It's a discussion/conversation, not a lecture.

Offer to pay. If she declines, you can say "Please, I insist." If she says something like "No, really, that's o.k., I'll pay for myself," be gracious and say something along the lines of "As you wish." (There are some females out there that are wierd about the guy paying)

Once the parting of ways commences, if you enjoyed the time, by all means say something like "I've had a really wonderful time hanging out and talking with you today. I'd like to do it again sometime soon. May I call you to set-it up?" (At which time she'll either give you her number, or blow you off.)

If you've gotten positive vibes so far, but you aren't sure about a good-bye hug or kiss, opt for giving her a quick kiss on the hand. It's a sweet gesture, and is less akward.

If you get her number, wait a day or two before you call (unless she says to call her the next day), and only call once. If you get voice mail, leave a message like "Hey *insert her name*, it's John. I was just calling to see if you've had a chance to check your schedule to see when you're free for another coffee chat. Give me a call at xxx-xxxx when you get the chance. Have a wonderful day/evening. Bye."

That's the best advice I can give. Good luck hon.

 

JRC, I was on the wavelength (I think) with JMJ about lunch putting it in the friend zone. I think dinners are more romantic, but a classy lunch "could" be cool...I'm still thinking not for a first date.

JMJ, Thank you for posting your Stacky "wish list." ...kidding...

 

Lunch vs Dinner - I guess it just depends on your schedules. Maybe that's all you have time for. As long as it's nice it doesn't matter. Hell, I've even had a breakfast date before. It was kinda cool actually.

 

*waves*
I am VERY proud to say that only ONE guy has ever managed to pay for me (not including the whole "I have no money, I'll pay you back" manner)...and he's only done it twice. Ish. The first time, I went to the bathroom and he real quick summoned the waiter,and paid the check before I got back - about half way through dinner! (took him about half a year to figure out how to do that btw)... The other time I had about a $5 tab at a sushi place and put the money on the table. He wouldn't take it. I told him "either you take that or the waitress is getting a nice tip!".
...she got a nice tip



P.S. Breakfast dates are awesome so long as you don't mind getting up for them ^_^.

 

Or still being up for them

 

Ulkesh

Yes everyone has covered everything, but here is something that will make her think.

Go to an flea market or an auction place and buy an old piece, around when she was a teenager piece of sci-fi memorabilia. Reminding them of geeking out as a kid will do wonders and it will also prove to her that you had to put some thought and searching. Take some time, find the perfect thing, yes even if it is on eBay .

The thing that has scored me points with "Ye Ole Ball N' Chain" (j/k ladies) is an old copy of Uncle Tom's Cabin and Beowulf. Think it strange, but I tell you I ended up going to a novelty store in a nook and crany bookshoppe in Nashville, Indiana and found them, costly as they were, they are main display pieces in the apartment .

./salute and hats off to you, and remember, always come prepared with an extra X-wing fighter pilot jumpsuit .

 

Update On Kesh's LUUUV life...

Well I made the second move. I made a little business card-like object with my name, interests, phone number, E-mail. I then bought her a copy of Dune-The Butlerian Jihad. I put the business card-like object in the novel and went to her. She was swamped at the time with duties, but she saw me and smiled. That was my opening. I smiled and said I wanted to give her this novel per our conversation a few nights ago. Not my exact words. I'm not sure if I even used the correct facial expressions. I tend to be the serious type and thus smile only when I'm at ease. Never on duty. Never on a mission. Yeah I do consider this a mission. I know. Bad Kesh. Remember she talked to me first a few nights ago about sci-fi movies and it evolved into a talk about reading material. I thought giving her a Dune prequel would be a nice way of following up our earlier run-in. She is a Pern fan by the way. So I need to do some Pern research. I'm still not entirely sure if she's even available. Like I said she might be involved already. Yikes! I may have to lightsaber fight a rival.

 

Tip for dating in the Internet-era:

I don't know what all was on that card you gave her, but as Star Wars and Sci-Fi is one of your shared interests with her, I'm going to assume that it's not unreasonable you mentioned your participation in the Eville Jedi. In this age when people will Google potential dates to screen out weirdos, you might want to be careful what you say in this thread in particular. While she might find it cute that you asked for advice, you also don't want to scare her by "reporting" too much of your interaction with her. Especially if she's privacy-conscious.

It may be a mission, soldier, but remember operational security.

Sounds like you're doing good so far.

 

I don't think I've stated anything here that can be defined as a breach of her privacy. If she reads my past posts that's fine. I stand by what I type here. Then again she might find me a bit odd. Oh well...she'll understand or she won't. You live - you learn. I just hope if she wants to hang out that she'll consider me fun afterwards. Well I want to study up a bit on the Pern saga and other Anne McCafferty novels. I remember reading a short story from the Pern saga many years ago. I do remember liking it. I even remember thinking I'd find more Pern stories, but for some reason those plans fell through. Sure hope she likes the Dune prequel. It is a massive epic. Not as jammed packed with inner thought as Frank Herbert's classic six novels, but a door-stopper.

 

You could get her email address and start conversing that way. I've known several people who talked frequently with their significant other that way and it felt comfortable when they began dating because they already knew a lot about each other.

I agree with ask her questions about herself and if there is something you both like a lot get a conversation going about it. The best dates I've gone on have been when the guy seems genuinely interesting in our common interests and we get into a nice rhythm of discussion.

 

I have a hardback "Dragonlover's Guide to Pern" that is yours if you have need of it. The books sound like fantasy, but in fact turn out to be good Sci-Fi. I've read most of them at least twice.