Before Never Say You're Sorry - Crossover-Hellboy-Merlin-Coneheads, Qui and Obi - One Post Humor

Title: Never Say You're Sorry
Author: ardavenport
Timeframe: pre-Episode I, pre-TPM
Genre: Humor, drama, crossover / Hellboy, Merlin, Coneheads
Characters: Hellboy, Liz, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Qui-Gon Jinn, Merlin, Coneheads, Abe Sapien
Keywords: Hellboy, amulet, TV set, cats, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Qui-Gon Jinn, Jedi, wizard, Coneheads
Summary: Hellboy tries to use sorcery to fix the cable TV. And gets some unexpected guests for his trouble.
Notes: Typo is my middle name, with missing words and errors that spell checkers do not catch being my speciality - if you see any, just post a reply or send a PM with the what and where and I will kill them with no mercy.
Disclaimer: All characters and the Star Wars universe belong to George and Lucasfilm ? other characters belong to others; I am just playing in their sandbox.




"Aaaaaaauurrghhch-naaauusch-kuuuuurrrrahhh."

The nine-pointed star amulet hung inert on it's chain. The geometric pattern on it glinted silver and gold, positioned in the center of the TV screen.

"Oh, give it up, Red. It's not going to work."

"Sssssshhhhhh. I think I felt something that time. I've almost got it."

Liz Sherman fell back onto the pillow. The bed was a mess. Strewn with her clothes. His clothes. A couple plates. Quite a lot of crumbs. Some unidentifiable stains. And cats. Licking their lips, their wide green and yellow eyes looking back and forth between the couple and waiting for something interesting to happen.

Reaching over to the night stand, Liz managed to liberate her coke without dislodging the ash tray, the bowl of chips, lamp, magazines and empty beer cans. While she sipped, her boyfriend persisted with his current project.

"Aaaaaaauurrghhaaassshchiii-NAAAaauusch-KUUUUuurrrrahhh."

The amulet remained inert. The TV screen dark.

"Red," she moaned, "it's not going to work. Just apologize to Manning." She put the paper cup back on the stand. A magazine slithered down to the floor. This was the bachelor pad from Hell.

No, it was the bachelor pad of Hellboy.

His tail twitching, he turned back to her, a snarl on his heavy-jawed red face.

"I'm not apologizing to Manning," he snarled before turning back to the amulet. Liz lay watching him go at it. At least the view was good. As fantastic as Hellboy looked without a shirt, his massive biceps and six-boulder abs showing, he looked even better with his lower half exposed, too.

"AAAAAauurrghhaaassshch-ouggghhhh-naaaaUUUSch-KUUUUuurrrrahhh."

A cat stalked up her side, looking for a warmer spot. Liz scratched the feline behind the ears and she leaned into it, purring.

"Red, you can't get the cable back with magic. Just tell Manning you're sorry and you won't do it again and he'll turn it back on again," she told her stubborn boyfriend about Manning's punishment. He stopped muttering his incantation to turn back to her again.

"Why should I apologize? I didn't do anything wrong," he denied.

"There were people in that park, Red."

"I wanted some ice cream."

"You cut in line."

"They let me in. They could see I was in a hurry."

Liz looked ceiling-ward in exasperation. "They were cowering. And you didn't pay for the ice creams."

"The guy gave them to me."

"Because he was terrified."

"Why?" Hellboy asked, clearly not understanding. "I got rid of the giant snake. And you didn't say anything about it then after I gave you one."

"After you ate the first fifteen of them," Liz grumbled about the ice creams, but Hellboy had already turned back to the TV and the amulet.

"AauuUURRRRghhaaassshch-OOOUUUggghhhh-naaaauuschi-KUUUUuurrrrahhh."

The cat started kneading the bedding next to Liz.

"AaaaUURRRRghhaaassshchi-OOOUUUggghhhh-naaaauuschi-KUUUUuurrrrahhh."

"AAAAUURRRRghhaaassshchi-ooouuuggghhhh-NAAAAaauuschi-KUUUUuurrrrahhh."

An eerie electronic blue dot appeared in the center of the amulet. Hellboy triumphantly stepped back. Liz sat up, dislodging the cat which vanished with the others under the bed. Then she hastily threw a sheet over herself.

T

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Saturday Night Live is still funny.


This was so funny. I liked that ultimately, they were all fictional to each other. That was a cool explanation. I was very entertained, even though I haven't seen Hellboy. Great dialogue. And I too have thought how cute Obi-Wan and Merlin would be together.

Oh, Anne, this was too funny! Marvellous! And that Hellboy, he's just something

I didn't see the Hellboy movies, but I didn't need to to fully understand and thoroughly enjoy the story, all of the characters were characterised really great. Mind you, I can only say about Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan that I found them totally in character (love Qui-Gon suddenly having the amulet and telling Hellboy he didn't think much of how he handled things; only much politer ), because I haven't seen any of the other stuff, but they all definitely came to life for me.

for Hellboy maybe being a bit biased about poor Maul getting it. And for him being as fictional in the world of the others as they were in his. That was a wonderful twist and made the story even better. Plus it gave Qui-Gon the chance to pay Hellboy back for his advice

Love it!

Alright, this was pure craziness! I loved Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan's nonchalance in the face of it all.

A very inventive and fun story!

I loved this! Never seen the movies tho. You keep suprising me with your new stories. Just when I think you've tread every possible ground for crossovers you pull somthing like this and make my day.

......catching up, catching up on replies........

LuvEwan, Seremela, nada_smith, Raphire: Thanks for the replies!

Glad the humor worked, even if you haven't seen the Hellboy movies -- I'd recommend them for mindless fun action and snappy comic book hero dialogue, and -- hey -- Ron Perlmann.

Yeah, Saturday Nite Live is still funny, but Hellboy would probably be a snob about it.