St. Lou, MO Non-SW Humor

Holly, those were fun! Some of had me LOL, even though I am truly happily married. Or maybe because I'm happiily married.

 

This has some profanity, so be warned! But it is incredibly funny! I found it in my mail box today:

Subject: 10 things that piss me off
> > >
> > > 1. People who point at their wrist while
> > > asking for the time. I know where my
> > > watch is, buddy ... where the hell is yours?
> > > Do I point at my crotch when I
> > > ask where the bathroom is??
> > >
> > > 2. People in the supermarket check out line
> > > who wait until their entire bill
> > > is rung up before they begin writing their
> > > check. Hello...is the store name
> > > going to change, or the date, or your
> > > signature before the clerk finishes?!
> > > Get a clue!
> > >
> > > 3. People who are willing to get off their a**
> > > to search the entire room for
> > > the damn TV remote because they refuse to walk
> > > to the TV and change it manually!
> > >
> > > 4. When people say..."Oh, you just want to
> > > have your cake and eat it, too."Screw that!!!
> > > What good is a damn piece of cake
> > > if you can't eat it?
> > > What should I do...eat someone else's piece of
> > > cake instead??
> > >
> > > 5. When people say..."It's always the last
> > > place you look." No ****!! Why
> > > the hell would you keep looking for it after
> > > you've already found it?? Do
> > > people do this?? Who and where are they??
> > >
> > > 6. When people say, while watching a movie ...
> > > "Did you see that?" No, dumb
> > >**s, I paid $7.50 to come to a theater and
> > > stare at the ceiling up there.
> > > What did you come here for??
> > >
> > > 7. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?"
> > > Didn't really give me a choice
> > > there, did ya buddy?
> > >
> > > 8. When something is "New & Improved". Which
> > > is it? If it's new, there has
> > > never been anything before it. If it's an
> > > improvement then there must have
> > > been something before it!
> > >
> > > 9. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if
> > > you know how fast you were
> > > going. "You should know, a*****e. You're the
> > > one that pulled me over!
> > >
> > > Here's the 10th thing that really bugs me....
> > > 10. Chain letters! Who the hell thinks that by
> > > annoying other people with
> > > stupid mail with no meaning, that they will
> > > grant you a wish, or make your
> > > long lost love fall into your arms. Bull****!
> > > I'm so sure that by breaking a
> > > stupid chain letter that the computer gods are
> > > going to curse me!! What a crock of ****!!!
> > > By the way, if you send this to 10 people,
> > >**** won't happen, and that person
> > > you're in love with won't come crawling to
> > > you...so if you feel this is funny, go on and send it
> > > to some one else, but don't expect one thing in return!
> > >
> > >
> > >
> >
> >
>

EDIT: warning about offensive language doesn't make it okay to post swearing.

 

College Chemistry

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

(Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed, or some variant.) One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This allows two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my freshman year that, "...it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still
have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.


The student received the only "A" given.

 

I've read that test answer many times before and each time it is hilarious.

 

LOL! That is incredibly funny!

 

The Top 20 Excerpts from a Romance Novel Written by a Science Fiction Writer

20. "Clarice wanted to resist, but when Zoltor opened his mouth and his thirty-two inch tongue unspooled, she gave in with a shudder."

19. "The pizza boy never realized that 412 Mansion Cove was the four-dimensional portal of the Gnyxillian high queen, who often sought meaningless servicing from carbon-based life forms. This time was different, though. She didn't count on... love."

18. "As Loruk's thorax swelled, signaling her sexual availability, she could feel Gakkor's twitching proboscis brush against the most sensitive of her three legs, triggering her kill-and-devour response in a way it had never been triggered before."

17. "Yeoman Rand gasped as her captain bent her over the navigator's console and began tugging at her Starfleet- issued panties. 'Prepare yourself for a captain's log entry you won't forget,' Kirk purred, grinning wolfishly."

16. "Their friends said they weren't compatible, that a model 49FB8v3 could never find happiness with an amorphous semi-organic blob, but they didn't care. Sure, they were from different worlds, but they had each other and that's all that mattered."

15. "Oh my God!" screamed Elizabeth. "I bet a photon could traverse the length of your tumescent organ in less than a picosecond! In a vacuum!"

14. "His hands tore passionately at her bodice. 'It's a breathable poly/carbon shell woven with interstitial polyvinylchloride!' she moaned. He gazed longingly, agonizing over the knowledge of basic chemistry which stood between him and her three proud breasts."

13. "It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a really hot cyborg chick, and Ryan Cobalt was no different."

12. "He was standing in the doorway, chlorine dissipating off his rippling chest. From across the room, she could detect his scent, the all too familiar musk of hydrogen sulfide and ammonia. His eye met hers, and the silence was overwhelming."

11. "'Don't go! I love you!' Helen pleaded, her bosom heaving. 'I must,' he replied coldly. 'I'll never forget you,' she sobbed, brokenhearted. 'Guess again,' the MiB agent remarked as he flashed his Neuralizer."

10. "Never had he seen twin moons more round, more perfectly formed as these. They glistened in the twilight, each with its own set of concentric rings, and he longed to be the first man to land on them, to touch the surface."

9. "Though we both yearned to be as one, I knew that the reverse polarization of our anti-grav units would forever keep us apart."

8. "Diana Plasma was not the kind of woman to let interplanetary gravity differentials dictate her agenda. When she said 'Jump', she expected her cadets to say 'How high?' -- and really *mean* it."

7. "As the Nintendo LuvDroid pushed Cliff roughly to the bed, he felt a touch of fear, and with reason. 'ATTENTION!' shrieked the droid, 'ALL YOUR PENIS ARE BELONG TO US!'"

6. "My ears tingled and my skin flushed as he whispered those three sweet words that every woman wants to hear:X'CHa'ktt Ng'xxkt Kzgrr'Dchch."

5. "'You're a cold, heartless beast!' she screamed, weeping. 'Well, yes,' he responded, puzzled and hurt, 'On Pluto, we ALL are.'"

4. "Her wanton breasts heaved. Her breath grew short. He pulled her close and whispered, 'My Vulcan customs forbid me from mating for another 7 years -- but we can still cuddle!'"

3. "As the mechanical whirring reached a crescendo, X-10B suddenly rebooted. 'Just my luck,' P8000-C sighed, covering her SCSI interface. X-10B cursed the latest firmware upgrade as the hydraulic fluid drained from his rapidly settling droidhood."

2. "Together they strolled along the sand, the light of the moons reflecting from her platinum hair. Her ample breasts pointed delicately upward in the weaker Martian gravity."

and Topfive.com's Num

 

Well, this is NOT something that you just read it and laugh, but - if you DO what it says, you might laugh then.

Happy New Year everyone

JUNK MAIL: REVERSE THE PROCESS

When you get ads in your phone or Utility bill, include them with the payment. Let them throw it away.

When you get those pre approved letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and junk like that, most of them come with postage paid return envelopes, right? Well, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little envelopes!

Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Or a pizza coupon to the bank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their application back!

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.

You can send it back empty if you want, just to keep them guessing!

Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting all their junk back in the mail. Let's let them know what it's like to get junk mail, and best of all THEY'RE paying for it! Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they say e-mail is cutting into their business, and that's why they need to increase postage again!

Send this to a friend or two or three...or fifty....

I can't decide. Would this be malicious and wasteful? Or deliciously evil? Serve them right? I actually could imagine it saving a few trees if enough people did it.

One important note, though. I would NOT send stuff in WITH your payments. Who wants to take a chance they'll miss your check between the pages of junk mail? Use the EXTRA envelopes to send JUST junk, and send your payment BY ITSELF. Just my opinion, though.

 

Here's some fun from one of the best humor sites on the web, the Brunching Shuttlecocks! Some geeks are better than others.

 

that's evil!! but now I can't wait til I have to pay bills

hmmm... I wonder if my mom does that when the bill is wrong...

 

"CHOCOLATE"
Chocolate is a Vegetable: Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Beans are a
vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both
are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is
a vegetable.

To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is
dairy. So candy bars are a health food. Chocolate-covered raisins,
cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too
slowly. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

REMEMBER: "Stressed" spelled backward is "desserts"

 

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well, so how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama, the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic."

Suddenly she burst out crying.

"But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language, things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home. PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah, calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful. WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama, I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

"Oh, mama...words like Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook..."

"I'll pick you up in ten minutes!"

 

Chocolate! LOL! I love those. Thanks for some much needed justification.

The honeymooners one was good, but not very PC. Could be fixed by removing only one word, though.

 

oh? which? I still have time to edit it. I just copied it straight from my e-mail

I think I found it, and fixed it

 

"The positive side of life"

Living on Earth is expensive,
but it does include a free trip
around the sun every year.

How long a minute is
depends on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.

Birthdays are good for you;
the more you have,
the longer you live.

Happiness comes through doors you
didn't even know you left open.

Ever notice that the people who are late
are often much jollier
than the people who have to wait for them?

Most of us go to our grave
with our music still inside of us.

If Walmart is lowering prices every day,
how come nothing is free yet?

You may be only one person in the world,
but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun
to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over;
smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons:
some are sharp, some are pretty,
some are dull, some have weird names,
and all are different colors....but
they all exist very nicely in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who
can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

 

so this is why y'all from Missouri don't want to come to Illinois..

How it works in the Land of Lincoln!!

Two men are driving through Illinois when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.
The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, "What the h*** was that for?"
The cop answers, "You're in Illinois son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick. The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, 'I wish that a****** would've tried that **** with me!'"

 

!!!!!

 

ok, I got a new batch, lets see how many I can fit in one post

*****
A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said, "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."
A few minutes later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son.
"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."
The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I
didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, "Should we eat them here or take them with us?" Well, I guess I just panicked!"

*****

A young punk gets on the cross town bus and sits down in the only vacant seat,
directly across from an old man.

The young punk has spiked, multi-colored, green, purple, and orange hair. His
clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without
shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his
earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.

The old man glares at the young punk for him for the next ten miles, as the bus
travels across the city.

Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you looking
at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young
and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot... I
thought you might be my son."

*****

A Woman's Random Thoughts

If you love something set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free...you either married it or gave birth to it.

Reason to smile: every 7 minutes, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town: when you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?"
Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty...Do it and die."

*****

Gas is Expensive , (Depends compared to what!!!!)

I Think These Things are way out of line also----how ever---Price/ demand .

You Think A Gallon Of Gas Is Expensive?

Makes one think, and puts things in perspective.

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 -- $10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 -- $9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 -- $10.17 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 -- $10 .00 per gallon

Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 -- $33.60 per gallon

Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 -- $178.13 per gallon

Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 -- $123.20 per gallon

Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 -- $25.42 per gallon

Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 -- $84.48 per gallon

and this is the REAL KICKER......

Evian water 9 oz for $1.49 -- $21.19 per gallon
$21.19 FOR WATER! ....and the buyers don't even know the source.

So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run
on water, Scope, or Whiteout, or God forbid, PEPTO BISMOL or NYQUIL!!!!

Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the gas pumps.

*****

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that
ball-

 

lol!

 

not sure to be scared out of my mind or laugh my head off....*sigh* lol I have heard that parrot one before cept it was told to me in spanish....lol

 

that was some funny stuff....i cant wait to get another credit card application in the mail now...

 

here are some more

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want
to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly
measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside
her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she said as she smiled.

*****

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box,
sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.

The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps, too.

The blonde opens his lunch, sees the bologna
and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage
I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He makes his own lunch."

*****

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting> all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her -- "Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you".

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?", the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word", the woman told him.

"Which word?", her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

*****

that's it for now

 

here's the next batch

Brave Deed

A man appears before the pearly gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the
ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"A couple of minutes ago."

*****

Break Into the House

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I`ve been trying to do that for years!"

*****


Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner.

The first Pastor said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.

The second Pastor then said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I've set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won't go away."

With a grin on his face, the third Pastor said, "I had the same problem so I baptized all mine and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!!!"

*****

Read Each One Carefully and Think About It a Second or Two

1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with
you.

2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.

3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.

6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.

10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.

11. There's always going to be people that hurt you, so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.

13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.

REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

*****

stayed tuned for the next installment

 

Got the next batch

*****

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the heck
happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when
you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and
over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are
really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu
powers, resulting in you getting your butt kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning
and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug
burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing
WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space
continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

*****

Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall when a
flower show was in progress.

One leaned over to the other and said, "Cripes! life is boring, we never have
any fun these days. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through the
flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old fellow, holding up five dollars.

As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes and
completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall, followed by
loud applause.

The streaker burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"Wow, what happened?" asked his friend.

"It was great!" he said, "I won first prize for The Best Dried Arrangement!"

*****

Dating Rules

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her,
so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your
eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age
to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.
Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are
complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I
propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing
and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to
ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in
place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, MAJOR making-out without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to MAJOR making-out, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expe

 

This was e-mailed me last week by a friend, titled Make Me Feel Like A Woman

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. the turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," She wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable? Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gourgeous, tall built with reddish-blond hair and hazel eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt... one button at a time.
... No one move.
....He removes his shirt.
>... Muscels ripple across his chest
.....he whispers:
..........here, iron this.

 

I'm still not caught up reading this thread, it got LOOONG while I was incognito.


Here's my new contribution:

Voice Mail at a Mental Hospital...

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline......"

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number,date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.