St. Lou, MO Non-SW Humor

I'm still not caught up reading this thread, it got LOOONG while I was incognito.


Here's my new contribution:

Voice Mail at a Mental Hospital...

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline......"

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number,date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

 

This is my favorite stuff - word games.


The Washington Post's Style invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are some winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone: (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Cashtration: (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very, high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit).

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is, like, sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a totally serious bummer.

Decaflon: (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit: (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug: (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor: The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *******."

 

I think it would make for some fun to do that with terminology from the GFFA.

 

next batch

*****

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the
National Anthem started.......the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts" And the patients
complied by standing up.

After the anthem ...he yelled, "Down Nuts". And they all sat back down in their
seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all brokeout
into applause and cheered.

When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team,
the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts!!!" and they all started booing and cat calling.

Thinking things were going very well. The doctor decided to go get a beer and a
hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, the
doctor asked," What in the world happened? "

The assistant replied, "Well, everything was going just fine till a vendor
passed by and yelled PEANUTS!"

*****

Q. How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this
house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED
OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured
it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light
bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past
SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO
DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change
the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT
WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO
ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL
SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE
HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS........

*****

The Snake and the Bunny

The Bunny and the Snake! Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived
a blind little bunny and a blind little snake. One day, the bunny was hopping
through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the
bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake
about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've
been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, I don't even
know what I am." "It's quite okay," replied the snake.
"Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since
birth. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what
you are, so at least you'll have that going for you." "Oh, that would be
wonderful," replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and
said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose
twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement. Then bunny
suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the
same way you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked,
"Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no
balls. I'd say you must be either a politician, an attorney, or possibly someone
in upper management."

*****

THE FOLLOWING IS A CHINESE GOOD LUCK TANTRA TOTEM.

ONE.
Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO.
Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE.
Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR.
When you say, "I love you", mean it.

FIVE.
When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.