Northern Comedy Shop Thread - lets show everyone we have a sense of humour up here....

my 'tractor Joke' must surely be the clencher

 

A horse walks into a bar. He walks up to the bartender and asks "Can I have a pint please."




The bartender says, "Flippin' heck, a talking horse!"

 

@ Baza

Horses never drink pints - they always drink halves 'on the hoof'

 

I kinda liked it

 

A man walks into a bar...



Ouch!

 

perhaps it could be Star Wars-ified and say 'A Stormtrooper walks into a bar...'?

 

Maybe


I found this on the offical site, got me laughing

Caption

 

"If you strike me down I shall give you a bear hug."

 

*******BREAKING NEWS********


Two ships have collided in the North Sea, the HMS Windsor carrying a cargo of Red paint has struck the SS Salis with its cargo of Blue paint.

Early reports say that all the sailors have been marooned

 

I got a good joke for ya: Star Trek and continuety

 

Continuety? I think it was a spacial anomoly or summat mate!

I like DS9 and Voyager (hubba hubba ), but hate TNG and the original series. Sorry - just not my thang.

 

I heard this joke on these forums but ill say it anywyas:

theres this Iraqi lad, (we'll call him Asif), Who is a absolutly fantastic football player. he plays for his local town in Iraq and he is a local hero and infamous for his talent. Every game he plays is constantly brilliant and he scores loads of goal everytime.

the liverpool manager, Benitez, hears of this kid and decides to fly over to Iraq to watch him play. he turns up to watch him play and he is phenominal and benitez is amazed and signs him on to play for liverpool straight away.

the week after Asif is in the team but on the subs bench. its liverpool vs man United and it is a disaster for liverpool! liverpool are losing 3-0 with 5 mins to go. benitez decides to play Asif and he goes on upfront and he is a god-send! he scored 3 goals in 4 mins and scored another in stoppage time! liverpool win the game 3-4.everyone loves him!

after the match is over he rings his mother to tell her the good news. He says " Mum, MUm! I scored 4 goals to win the game for liverpool. Im the hero, everybody loves me!"

His mum replies: " Well Im glad you are having fun. while your out playing football your dad has been shot , your sister has just been raped in the street and your brother has joined a local gang!"

" Oh mum" asif says, " Im so sorry"


"SORRY... ?" his mum replies, " ... it's you're fault we moved to liverpool in the first place"

 

//goes to dig out shell suit...

 

Donald Rumsfeld is giving President Bush his daily Iraq briefing. He concludes
by saying:

"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as
the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks: 'How many is a Brazillion ?'

 

Spike mate - you are topping the charts so far with that one, anything to do with making fun outta G.W. Bush is fine by me!

 

Edge this one is for you...

George Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart. The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him.

"You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear.

Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed.

"You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk. Saint Peter claps.

"Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"

The last to arrive is George Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

Bush looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."

 

Spike - looks like you will be getting some reading material for your travels soon if you keep this up!

 

[image=http://www.sanfords.net/George_Bush/images/bush36.gif]

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ****, it's Tony Blair!"

___________________________________________________________________________


A country doctor is suturing a laceration on the hand of an old farmer.

Old man: "All you need to know about politics is that young George Bush is a post turtle."

Doctor: "Oh? What is a post turtle?"

Old man: "When yer driving down a country road, and ya come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? That's a post turtle. Ya know he didn't get there by himself, he don't belong there, he cain't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help take the poor thang down."

 

vvery good.

My dad told me a joke this morning but it's kinda risque,

------------------------------------------------


A coach load of Nun's are on teh motorway going somewhere when teh coach crashes Into a Ditch and they are all Killed. when they die, they all find themselves not quite in heaven but outside the gates... waiting for approval by saint peter.

Saint peter asks the nun at the front of the Queue "now Sister Mary, have you ever touched a man"?, sister mary replies " yes, yes I have". saint peter tells her " very well, wash your finger in holy water and you'll be allowed into heaven. she washes her finger and is allowed in.

Saint peter sees to the next nun in the Queue, her name is Sister Gladice. he asks her " have you ever Fondled a man?" to which she replies " Yes I have". he tells her to " wash your hand in holy water and youll be allowed into heaven. which she does and she walks in.


... all of a sudden theres a huge fuss towards the back of the queue and saint Peter sees a nun running as fast as she can to teh front. Saint Peter yells " what is going on here? why are you running to the front?"

The Nun replies " Im going to rinse my mouth out before sister Teresa has to wash her arse in it"

 

@Orns joke!

 

Orn - you have taken the chart by storm and now firmly hld the No 1 spot -lets hope your joke gets through without too much editing!!!

 

A man travelling by plane and in urgent need to use the
men's room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the
aircraft. Each time he tried the men's' room door, it was
"OCCUPIED".

The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he
go ahead and use the Ladies room, but cautioned him against
using any of the buttons inside. The Buttons were marked "WW,
WA, PP, and ATR".


Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the
importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity
get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.
He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and
immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He
thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!" Still curious
he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm
air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out
of this world! The Button marked "PP" yielded a large powder
puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well,
naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".



When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for
the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to
me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on
a business trip!"


The nurse replied, "Yes you were having a great time until
you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic
Tampon Remover. Your manhood is under your pillow!"

......

 

the oldies are the best....you must be a worried FF-UK type person to have put yer 'sock' on especially for that!