Northern Comedy Shop Thread - lets show everyone we have a sense of humour up here....

getting in the mood for Halloween


A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"

 

An englishman was sitting with a scots man and a yank in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden, Saudi police entered and arrested them. They were initially sentenced to death but they contested this and were finally imprisoned for life.
But, as it was a national holiday, the Sheikh decided they should be released after receiving 20 lashes of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

So the yank guy thought for a while and then said:" Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through.

The scots man, watching the scene, said: "Please fix two pillows on my back". But even two
pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.

Before the englishman could say something, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "As you are from a popular country, and your cricket team are terrific, and your women beautiful you can have two wishes!".
"Thank you, Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The englishman replies. "My first wish is: I would like to have 40 lashes."
"If you so desire", the Sheik replies with a questioning look on his face, "and your second wish?"
"Tie the yank to my back", the englishman answers

 

That one has to be posted in the Phili invasion.

 

nice to see you shared the credit for that one Ogli

here's a joke fit for the seven sea's;

Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."

 

such a hard decision with so few days to go....liked that one Spike...keep em coming peeps!

 

didn't realise there was a prize at stake - time to pull out the big guns


A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, ?Quick pour me twelve drinks.?
So the bartender pours him twelve shots of vodka and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, ?Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast.?

The guys says, ?Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got.?

The bartender says, ?What've you got??

The guy says, "£2"

 

Achoo! Not necessarily "Northern" humour par se, but this pic was sent to me by a friend.

First Case of Bird Flu in Paris!!!!

[image=http://www.timbolton.freeserve.co.uk/forum_pics/BirdsFlu.jpg]



Hope I don't live (or not) to regret joking about this

 

First case of a bird in paris? U mean they never had em before

 

Edited it now, now who looks silly

Holds hand up. Yeah I typoed - sue me!

 

*contacts lawer* Oh don't worry. I will

 

2 eggs in a pan.

One egg says to the other - "Flipping heck, it's boiling in here!"

The other egg says - "If you think that's bad wait till you get out, they smash your blooming head in!"

 

....I didnt 'egg'spect that one Eddie! Nice one!

4 days to go before I decide who made me laugh the most.....keep em coming.....remember there is a 'prize' at stake here!!!!

 

My rather late contribution


From this website www.copingwithemergencies.co.uk


If there is a bomb warning at your place of work, the people in charge will probably just pull the fire alarm and hope everyone knows what to do.

If a bomb goes off in your building, look for the safest way out. (THANK YOU CAPTAIN OBVIOUS FOR THAT EXCELLENT ADVICE.)

If you are trapped in debris:

Swear profusely.
Try not to die.

If you find yourself in the middle of an emergency, your common sense and instincts will usually tell you what to do. However, it is important to:

Run.
Really, really fast.
Follow the advice of the emergency services, unless that advice is something other than "Run".
Try to remain calm and think before acting, and try to reassure others. Or, trample them in a desperate attempt to flee as the building you're in is consumed by a radioactive cloud.
Check for injuries. Here's a hint: if it's painful, it's probably injured. However, hurting when you pee is probably not an injury related to the incident. But get yourself checked out anyway.

Stupid signs

Swimming pool suggestions: open 24 hours, Lifeguard on duty 8am to 8pm, drowning absolutely prohibited


Some funny but actual writings put on hospital charts by nurses and doctors:

1 She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2 The patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3 On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it had disappeared.
4 The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5 The patient has been depressed sine she began seeing me in 1993.
6 Discharge status; Alive, but without my permission.
7 Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8 The patient refused autopsy.
9 The patient has no previous history of suicide.
10 The patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11 Patient?s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.




Ok overload or what?

 

how do you find these sites Suzy....

 

knowing the right people Jase



Found the emergencies on in the paper

 

http://www.jigsawlounge.co.uk/kungfu/b3ta/rainbow-wars.gif

 

two terrorists in a persuit shop. one tries on a rucksack, he turns to the other and says ' Does my Bomb look big in this'








I cant say jokes like that, can I?

 

Orn - you just did anyway....LMAO

 

OK guys - one last day to go....are you excited?

[image=http://www.kimtran.net/journal/images/yawn-thumb.jpg]

 

So who won then?


tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me
tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me
tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me
tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me


Please

 

Come on Jace. How can u ignore them prety eyes.

 

ok guys....drum roll..... ....

and to present our award for outstanding humour leading to Jase having a damn good laugh tonight is...

[image=http://www.mediasearch.com.au/film/spotlights/george%20lucas%203.jpg]

....and the winner is....

 

nooooooooo-ho-ho-hoooooooooooooooo !

 

....Orn! The cracking joke about the nuns broke it....it was a bit dicey at times, espec. the tractor joke...

Well done Orn!

Orn - PM me your address and let me know you choice of prize...you can either have ;

1. Star Wars - Tales from the Empire book
2. Star Wars - Tales from the New Republic book
3. Double DVD - Star Wars - Heroes and Villains

Just a final word from our host for the night...

[image=http://www.mediasearch.com.au/film/spotlights/george%20lucas%203.jpg]

...Orn - the Force was truly with you on this night...can we have our sheep back at Skywalker Ranch now please?