Before - Legends "Not-So-Much-Fate" (Humor, Marysue Parody, Qui, Dooku) ---The fic that wouldn't die! Updated--1/3!

I believe an author note may be somewhat necessary to explain the insanity and Qui-tormenting that doth follow.

This is my attempt at parodizing a Mary Sue adventure, 'insert-self-into-story' fic. Before I begin the mockery, I would like to make several acknowledgements....

One, to those Mary Sue writers out there. I have read and enjoyed so many of your fics, please forgive this little bit of fun. I didn't realize how much work a Mary Sue really is until I attempted one.

Two, to Laurie, the silly one, for telling me that this was funny in the first place. Thanks.

~*~

Chapter one: In which we learn that crosswalks are our friends


~*~

I had never found anything odd about myself.

First of all, before you immediately begin to judge me, allow me to drive that point home. I was a regular, attention-deficit, over-imaginative child, who blossomed overtime into a massively dysfunctional young woman. Normalcy leaked out at every crack.

There was just that little Star War?s thing, and my huge emotional handicaps. But that?s being really nit-picky, I think.

And then it happened. My normal, average existence was crushed like a bug under a bantha. No, I?m not bent. But this brought me pretty dern close. Frankly, I blame Qui-Gon.

My story is always the odd one. Most people get into situations like the one I found myself in by opening a strange book, stepping through a mysterious mirror portal, saying a crazy incantation and opening the rift in the time-space continuum or some silly nonsense like that. Myself, I got hit by a truck.

When I think back on the incident that began it all, I feel rather foolish. I just don?t think about things logically sometimes. I can look back and think of all the many things I should have done differently. Like crossing the street to get to a coffee shop in the first place.

I just shouldn?t have been wearing my headphones, dark sunglasses and been jay-walking in traffic all at the same time. ?Duel of the Fates? screamed vaguely in my ears. The sun was blinding to the traffic. I just wanted to cross the road, get to the coffee shop on the other side. I just wanted espresso. That would have been okay. But it was not so.

I felt the hot roar of the oncoming tractor trailer rather than heard it. It didn?t occur to me to walk faster. Pedestrians had the right-of-way in America, didn?t they?

Apparently they did not.

Darkness enveloped my vision, and that point was really driven home. The blinding embrace of my own mortality crushed me. I could still feel the heat of the truck, my CD still spinning its morbid tune in my ears, a lingering taste of life, as an insects limbs will twitch even after death. Then I suppose the rest of the truck hit me, because I felt nothing.

I didn?t know it then, but that?s when it all really started.

~*~

It was really freaking hot. The thought formed clearly in empty space, then faded.

?Ow. Ow. Ow.?

I still couldn?t see anything, and that in itself was terrifying. I knew in the tiny portion of my mind devoted to logic that I had to be dead, there was no way I could have survived my silly caper into the street. And yet, my head was pounding so badly...for it to hurt this bad, I had to be alive...

?Ow...? I hissed again, and heard my own voice echo in my ears. This was getting idiotic. I rolled over, and to my surprise, felt sandy grit against my face. So then was I still on the highway? Perhaps the truck had merely half-pancaked me...

?Ah, you?re awake. Lie still, you?re wounded...did you fall off one of the caravans?? A soft voice, strangely familiar, interrupted my musings on mortality. Panic suddenly flooded through me. I was not alone wherever I had ended up. I froze.

?I?m just going to take a look at your shoulder, it seems you?ve scraped it rather badly...hold still...? The sensation of touch was just coming back to me, and the hand descending onto my throbbing shoulder was startling, to say the least. Immediately I wriggled backward, away from the hand, but I had no where to go

 

hahahaha, you know how much I love this Charmed One. Is so funny so far. Want more! You have the best sense of humor I just so want to see what happens with Qui-Gon now. And all! Want more! *demands* Is super entertaining and cleverness! More!

 

A brown-haired young man was vigorously rubbing at his watering eyes, a long slim braid waving over his shoulder as he moved. Although I had never seen him before in real life, I knew him immediately. The broken nose, the shape of the mouth, the way he was dressed, it was all unmistakable. I cursed out loud. I had just pepper sprayed Padawan Qui-Gon Jinn.



*Dies* hehehehe you know that's my absolute favorite part!!!! Yay you did postie it!!!!



Great job Jess! I can't wait for more!!

 

::Smacks forehead.:: LOL! An American crazoid in Qui-Gon's Court...

 

LOL! Poor thing if she had only knew before she sprayed! hehehehe

Great beginning!!!

 

Now, this looks like fun.

And well-written too, of course.

 

Sooooo funny! I had to stop laughing long enough just to tell my hubby what was going on--he thought this was funny too!

Good job!

 

Hilarious!

 

Awww!!!! You reviewers are so kind! Thank you for all the wonderful encourging comments! I'm glad you guys like the first part!!

I'm updating this Friday, with Part Two...should be good times, I hope you all enjoy it. Charm gets a blaster. *nods*


In the meantime---



MY BELOVED ATHENANESS!!! *grin* YAY!!!! I'm so glad you approve, my favorite Athena!! Aw, is so cool, you were my first main reader on Kite, and now on my silly fic you are too. *huggles* Thanks for reviewing!

LAURIE!! Ha!! Yes, I did actually post something for once, I'm glad you find it amusing. lol, anyway, you're the person who buggled me to post this one in the first place... lol, ALL LAURIE'S FAULT!

DarthIshtar LOL Crazoid, I love that word! Oh, yes, we are very crazoid though, and I haven't even gotten started... Thanks so much for reading!!

Kynstar Aye, yes, if only...haha, poor Qui, really. Such a silly, unluckly boy. Thanks for the lovely review, great to see you again!

THE LONG LOST SARAH!! Hey, long time no see!!! My Sarah friend! Oh, thank you so much for the review! So kind! Glad you like the ficcie!

SarkaVrae hehe, Thank you!! Glad you find my insanity amusing, thanks for taking the time to review, so much appreciated!

VaderLVR64 hehe, glad you like!! Thanks for the review, hope you enjoy the parts to come! Is much craziness, *nods* very much...

 

And so begins Chapter 2---our plot thickens!!

Hope you enjoy the madness


~*~

Words failed me. I limped back to him, my mind racing. So this had to be a hallucination. Just a silly hallucination. I would wake up at any moment and find myself in some emergency room hooked to tubes with doctors standing over me telling me I had quite a bump on the head and was lucky to be alive. Yes, that would be it. I was embellishing on this beautiful scene in my mind when he spoke again, his tone pinched with pain.

?What in Sith did you do that for?!? He scrubbed desperately at his eyes, trying to rid them of the burning irritant with little success. ?I was trying to help you?? The young Jedi shuddered, involuntary tears coursing down his cheeks.

?Oh, um, yes, uh...sorry about that...? I heard myself murmur distractedly. Inside, I wanted to laugh hysterically. I was talking to Qui-Gon Jinn. I tried to calm the insane fangirl within me and come to my senses. ?Yeah-here, you?re gonna want to flush your eyes with water...? I looked around. ?Okay, I don?t have any water. Um, keep rubbing your eyes then.?

He gave a little choked noise and unhooked a small canister of water, pouring it over his face, and then resumed frantic rubbing. ?What was that?! Is it permanent??

I sat down uneasily, still feeling slightly dizzy. ?No...no...? I mumbled absently, watching him. ?It?s just a temporary disabling thing...you won?t go blind or anything...?

Qui-Gon squeezed his eyes closed. ?It feels like it?s burning my whole face...?

?Yeah, it won?t burn your eyes out, don?t worry.? I mused, chewing my lip, studying him. ?But I am sorry. I thought you were attacking me or something...?

He glared at me through streaming eyes. ?I said I was checking the cut on your shoulder. I told you what I was doing!?

?Hmmm..? I murmured, as noncommital as I could. It seemed a good time for this hallucination to end.

The boy gave his eyes a final dispirited rub, and straightened up. ?How did you get all the way out here, anyway?? He nodded at my shoulder. ?Are you alright??

For the first time I really noticed that I was bleeding. My jeans were ragged and bloody, and I had a nasty scrape across one shoulder. I didn?t know much about hallucinations, but I thought as a general rule you weren?t supposed to hurt yourself in them. A mild uneasiness settled in the region of my stomach. I squinted at Qui-Gon. ?uh...? I noticed he flinched when I moved, probably still wary of my Pepper spray. ?I really don?t know. I think I?m okay...? I brushed off my jeans and winced. ?Where are we??


He glanced around. ?I was hoping you might tell me that.? He sighed, casting a weary eye around the scrubby shrubs and rocky dirt. ?I was chased out here, uh, negotiations didn?t go so well...it looks like just a wasteland to me.?

I rolled my eyes. Silly Qui-Gon-hallucination.

?Well, no duh, I can see it?s a wasteland.? I ignored the strange look he was giving me. ?I mean, what planet are we on? How long until this silly dream ends?? A sudden random thought occurred to me. I vaguely remembered a Simpson?s episode where something like this had happened-a guardian angel had taken on the form of a fictional character to prove a point. Perhaps I should not have thought aloud, however.

I clapped my hands with delight at my own cleverness. ?OH! Maybe you?re my guardian angel, taking on the form of someone I recognize so I won?t be weirded out by your powerful angel-form! Ha, I get it now! So, what do I get, three wishes? A second shot at life?? I started at him expectantly.

Qui-Gon didn?t look quite as thrilled at my realization. In fact, he looked rather unsure. He took a few steps backward, as if expecting me to charge at him any moment. ?What are you...?? I could read blank confusion in his eyes. ?What?!?

?Um...? I stalled, pinching myself repeatedly, beginning to feel a little bit more than simply nervous. Something told me that this was nothing like the aforementioned Simpson?s episode. ?Never mind, the heat must be getting t

 

hahahaha! yay! *claps insanely* that was great, got a big smile on me face now. Haha *laughs and points at Qui-Gon* poor confused little man. Do I look like I care how angry he gets that I'm laughing at him? Oh dear, such marvelous silliness, so great. I love Charm's thoughts on everything, so cynical yet funny. Great work, keep it up! More!

 

Whoops indeed! She slipped about knowing him *snrk* hehehehe I love how she tried to cover it up hehehehe

Oh no!! she has a gun! A blaster at that! Run for your lives!!! hehehehe Can't wait for more!

(edit: I sooooo envy her...she's gonna meet the younger Count to be!!! no fair!! *pouts* hmmmm *dreamy sigh* lucky you! hehehehe)

 

If this was all really just some sort of hallucination, then it was a rather crappy one.

you are one crazy girl, jess! this was wonderful! very funny, very disarming! Can't wait to find out what silliness will happen next! Just wish we could all join you! lol

 

Hehhehehe great update jess dear! I just now got back from Mom and dad's and I was so excited to see you updated!!

Hehehe I think my favorite was when you called him Quigs and he freaked out lolololol. Bravo!

 

Oh. My. Gosh. This is HILARIOUS! This is the best humor fic I've read in quite some time! I don't think I've read many Mary Su fics, so I don't exactly know what the characteristics are, but I have read one of those "Author inserts themselves into JA story and meets jedi and the jedi are impressed because this author is actually force sensitive/a love interest/a powerful ally." So I can see why this is spoofing those. But besides that, I really love the originality of this fic. I can't say I've ever read a story where the character is transported by being creamed by a truck. And I can't believe you maced Qui-Gon! That was hilarious!

"He looked almost bemused and I could see that glazed over ?love for pathetic life form? look beginning to flicker in his eyes.. I wanted to hit him."

Oh, our little Qui is always looking out for bloodied people lying around in the desert with heat exhaustion. That's why we lurve him, right? And although I would do the same thing, for some reason I'm a little worried about the practice trial with the blaster. So far, things haven't exactly worked well in your favor in this story...but keep up the good/destructive work! I lurve it!

 

Yeah, that's what I'd do.

 

*dies*

Silly Qui-Gon-hallucination.

Qui-Gon-ination? hahahaha, that was great Master Zhes. i had only gotten to read the first chapter before, but the second one is even more amusing. lolol, poor confused Quiga

 

YAY!!!! ^____^ Thank you all so much for your kind reviews!! Have so made my week, and I shall have an update for you either tomorrow or the next day. In the meantime---fun with AUTHOR REPLIES!!!


BELOVED Athena!! Thanks so much!!! Awww, I'm glad it is amusing, love to make people laugh with my writing (so long as they are not laughing *at* my writing, you know, like....*trails off* yeah.) Oh, don't worry about laughing at him, the silly dear needs his ego taken a bit down now and then, pride is of the darkside I'm sure...

Kyn!! YAY!!! I'm glad you liked it. Oh, man, I am so going the Count for all he's worth. *laughs* he's just too perfect for that not to take a shot at. Thanks for reviewing! Good to see ya!!

SarkaVrae LOL, me?! Crazy?! *blush* Why thank you. Updates soon, thanks for reading!! Oh, yeah, I know, I wish you all could be there too...we could duel for Qui-Gons affections and make him cry. Sweet Quiggles.

LAURIE! *bows* Why thankles, Mrs. Layren. Glad you are to the liking of it, as it's ALL YOUR FAULT I posted it.

The_Hutt Aww!!! *blushes madly* THANK YOU SO MUCH! So kind to say so!! No, lol, things seldom work out in my favor, as you shall see shortly *grin* but blaster is fun times. I'm glad you're enjoying thus far, hope you like the next installment!

DarthIshtar Oh yeah, hehehe, the blaster is a temptation bested by none. Thanks for reading, and taking time to review!

PADAWANO! OH, it's so good to see you on the boards, luverly!!! Aw, glad you liked it, haha, yes, and Quiga only goes from bad to worse...poor dear. *evil grin*

 

Sorry about the late postie! The saga continues....ah, poor Qui!


~*~



The discharge hurled me backward as the blaster exploded out a bolt of bright light. I shrieked, dropped it, and heard a troublesome explosion as a result. My eyes squeezed shut in terror.

The noise echoed back at me across the rocks ominously. There was a soft shower of pebbles and dust, and then, silence.

When I finally ventured to open one eye, and saw the blaster smoking on the ground a few feet from where I was now. I looked up hesitantly. The bush was still there, but most of the terrain around it had been nicely scorched black. A few rocks had been blasted open, and some of the weeds were on fire. My mouth gaped at the destruction I had caused.

?Oooo...? I merrily reached for the blaster. ?I?ve got to try that again!?

?CHARM!? Qui-Gon?s voice, shrill with panic reached my ears.

?Oh no, the cops are here...? I muttered, dropping the blaster again, trying to look innocent. He stormed into my range of vision, looking horrified.

?What did you do?! You just gave away our position!?

My cheeks flushed. ?Uh...no I didn?t....what are you...?

A shrill scream interrupted my excuses. As I watched in horror, a tribe of natives emerged from the bush, whooping and shrieking and brandishing blowguns. They didn?t look particularly friendly, come to think.

?...oh...? I felt curiously numb, frozen.

?Oh!? Qui-Gon repeated, giving me what I supposed was the equivalent of a disgusted look. His lightsaber was already out and moving. ?Get behind me, watch my back!?

?Yeah, okay!? I darted behind him, as the first few darts and bolts began to fly. I held my blaster tightly, too terrified to shot it, but unwilling to let it go. Qui-Gon made up for me, however, returning just as many shots of theirs as he could. A few tribesmen fell, but they were soon replaced by others. It seemed a whole warparty was out for our blood.

?This is what I meant by failed negotiations!? Qui-Gon panted, struggling to keep up with the velocity of the shots. ?There are just too many?? he yelped, as a blaster bolt grazed his side.

I cringed behind, him, ducking as a few stray shots passed over us. ?So what do we do now??

Qui-Gon turned, slightly, then inclined his head to a rocky outcropping a little ways away. ?Well?? He ducked, and sent a bolt backward to slay its shooter. ?I...? The war party advanced closer in. ?Hmm...?

I was beginning to fully panic now. ?Ah-this is just great, just great, I get hit by a truck, wake up in wacko land, and my Jedi supervisor DOESN?T KNOW WHAT TO DO!? I shrieked as a smoldering dart landed near my feet.

Qui-Gon nodded to me. ?Ah, but I do have a plan.? He nodded once more, sending another blast back to its sender. ?We?re going to make a run for it, cover me!? He turned and ran toward the rocks, grabbing my wrist as he passed. ?Come on!?

I squeaked and took off after him, bumping and tripping over the gravel. I think Qui-Gon?s so-called ?plan? must have been to take shelter amongst the rocky outcrop, but suffice to say, we didn?t get very far. Qui-Gon would probably say it was my fault, but unfortunately for him, that?s a lie, and it is my understanding that liars go to hell.

Anyway, as I was saying, we didn?t get very far, because right about then Qui-Gon got shot in the back of the leg. He had told me to watch his back, and so I was watching his back. He never said ?watch my back?and my legs.? I think it was his fault, for not being clear. But whatever. He got shot.

Qui-Gon went down like a felled log. In retrospect, I felt pretty bad, to be honest, because he gave the saddest, most pathetic little yelp and tripped as the bolt impacted. But at the time pity or blame was the farthest thing from my mind. I have this beautiful, deep-rooted streak of self-preservation, and it was sort of on overdrive at the moment. The one with the lightsaber had just crumbled like some form of stale graham cracker, and the warparty was closing in on me fast.

However, accident, it seems, ca

 

Oh, good work, Charms. ?Oh no, the cops are here...? haha, loved that line. Lol, twanging a branch, I can so imagine that, somehow. Another great post, so funny! ?Yeah, I did, I was watching! You got shot. I saw...? Oh, good work, good work.

 

*dies laughing again* ok, i love your description about watching Qui's back, that's hysterical. way to go Master Zhes! i love it and can't wait for more! mwhahahaha

 

I was beginning to fully panic now. ?Ah-this is just great, just great, I get hit by a truck, wake up in wacko land, and my Jedi supervisor DOESN?T KNOW WHAT TO DO!"

Ha! Oh man, that's what I would be thinking! The all powerful Jedi Jinn, mumbling cluelessly? Unheard of!

He had told me to watch his back, and so I was watching his back. He never said ?watch my back?and my legs.? I think it was his fault, for not being clear. But whatever. He got shot.

?Yeah, I did, I was watching! You got shot. I saw...? I nodded, as if to reassure him of this.

How else are you supposed to watch someone's back with a blaster? It't not like you had a lightsaber! Man, this chapter was high-larious! I was in stitches the whole time. And now you have to take care of a wounded Qui-Gon? Uh-Oh. I can sense some severe pain in the near future! Bwahaha!

 

Charm, this is hilarious. I love that Qui-Gon isn't the all-knowing all-seeing Jedi but rather a human being with emotions and failings. And your OC just keeps getting him deeper and deeper into trouble. Great job. I love this.

 

*SNRK!* hehehehe poor Qui hehehe yeah she was 'watching' all right hehehehe

How sad! hehehehe Great job! Poor kid is hurt now and hiding from the crazy natives. Can't wait for more! Loved the bantering there! Was great!

 

OK I said I would check this after my appointment -- not so, I lied. I checked it beforehand I just couldn't resist and I wasn't disappointed




That was most excellent! I'm not sure which part is my favorite! It was all hilarious! Poor Charm just gets Qui in deeper and deeper trouble and Qui could stand to be more understanding since you obviously aren't from where he is and had nothing to watch his back *with* Great post! More more!