"Oafy-Wan "Jedi Apprentice[Maybe] 7/28 sample new story

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by ewen, Jun 20, 2002.

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  1. ewen Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 11, 2001
    star 4
    Spoilers: a little one in later chapters

    \\ INDICATES MIND THOUGHTS.

    Gentle pointers, ideas or gripes, are welcomed and read, but not necessarily listened too Ha! Ha! {Just always wanted to say that}


    Qui sat at his desk going over messages listening to Masters, as they voiced their concerns for their senior padawans progress in saber class. That?s what Jinn?s doing while he and Obi are grounded at the temple, instructing the senior padawan saber class.

    The Healers successfully started Obis? midiclorian increase, but it would be 6 months or longer before he is totally back to normal.

    \\Was I ever contrite enough to bombard instructors with tedious questions concerning my padawans progress in a class? Some of these masters are senior masters. They should know by now, a child would learn what he would learn, at their own speed. It was not always important to be the best or the head of the class. It?s their ability to take in what they have learned and continue improving it.\\ Qui released a sigh.\\ That was. ?Well?.Look?. 15 queries concerning senior padawans and I?m suppose to answer all of them.\\

    On the other side of the apartment door stood the now 11-year-old padawan of Qui-Gon Jinn, Obi-Wan Kenobi.

    \\ I WISH I could use the force right now. Then I would be able to KNOW if my master is here, not guess.\\

    Obi-Wan glanced up at the nameplate on the apartment door. Normally, when he saw it, it brought a little skip to his heart, knowing he belonged here. He belonged here with his master. Today was not normal. The only thing that made his heart skip, was trying to avoid his master.

    He hadn?t done anything wrong in his saber class, but he hadn?t done anything right either.

    \\First, I?m put in an initiates class, [how embarrassing], then my saber instructor hadn?t want me to fight one of the initiates. He had put his padawan in the ring, instead, to give us an example. Yea, he used me as his example. I had to admit for a beginner padawan only 14 years old, Bruck Chun was talented. But did he have to use so much of his talent on me?\\

    [To makes matters worse his saber teacher was his mother?s old master, Master Tylo Ramina.]

    \\Well I must face Master Jinn sooner or later. I hated to disappoint him. I knew he would ask how it went. I had already disappointed my mothers? master. I guess they knew I couldn?t hold my own not yet, but I would in just a few more months.\\

    ?Padawan, coming in or are you just out there holding the door up? Qui spoke loud enough for Obi to here him through the door.?

    Obi entered the apartment. ? Oh hi Master. I was just thinking?. I mean you don?t know what I am thinking all the time, do you??

    ?Well, no Obi. I shield for you, but I try to allow you privacy. Why? Problems??

    ?Oh, no master. Everything?s fine. \\ I THINK\\.

    The big master stood and turned to Obi. He sat on the edge of the desk and just looked at Obi, almost as if he was waiting for something.

    ?UGH, well, did you want something Master? ?He managed to stammer out.

    ?On the contrary child, I thought you wanted something. I mean you?re standing there in the middle of our apartment like an ice sculpture.?

    ?O.K., master ask me how it went?

    ?Whatever do you mean young one.?
  2. PadawanKitara Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Dec 31, 2001
    star 5
    too many thinks in those last feww sentences for this little padawan today. My brain doesn't think after 19 hours of billing/dictation!

    But definitely an interesting start. So some master got suckered into taking Bruck as an apprentice. Is he as much a bully here?
  3. jacen200015 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jan 11, 2002
    star 4
    nice post, sorry that i'm not showing much enthusiasm but i started to feel sick when i went to bed. now i just can't sleep.
  4. sheleigh Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 31, 2002
    star 4
    As always, ewen, eagerly awaiting more.

    What did Qui mean about the bond- I assume he is referring to the soul bond... but does this mean Obi doesn't know about it?

    Can't wait for more!
  5. Midnightetak Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Sep 28, 2001
    star 2
    Hmm, nice!
    I hope you continue to write some more.

    -Midnightetak
  6. jedi7 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 8, 2002
    star 4
    So far, so great!! :) 7
  7. CYNICAL21 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 8, 2001
    star 4
    Your storyline continues to develop nicely - and the relationship between our boys seems to be coming along just the way we'd want - so why am I so certain that this ideal situation will NOT last. :D

    Nice job.
  8. Cascadia Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 15, 2002
    star 4
    Nice interaction between Obi and Qui.

    I'm sick, too, jacen200015 - nauseous since last night. Hope it's not a computer virus. [face_laugh]
  9. shanobi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 11, 2001
    star 4
    Nice continuation to Making, ewen :)

    Its good to see master and apprentice connecting. I can't help but groan when reading Bruck Chun's name. I have a feeling you will utilize him as a bully even more than JW did.

    Well, let the bully have his fun, makes for good angst. But do make sure that when Obi gets his abilities back that he gets to kick a little ass :D
  10. ewen Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 11, 2001
    star 4
    Thanx for the reponse guys.I will have another post up Saturday.With some very helpful tips from a couple of experienced writers on this board,I have reworked the next chapter.Hopefuly it will be easier and more enjoyable to read.

    PEACE Ewen
  11. ewen Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 11, 2001
    star 4
    Shanobi brought up a good point about Obi not feeling the bond,so let me explain again;

    Because Obi's midiclorians are down it has left him with less force ability,Obi is not able to feel their bond as Qui does. That is why he wonders how strong the bond is.He waiting for Obi to regain his midiclorians,then he will test the bond.I mean we could not feel the force if we did not have any midiclorians.When a jedi has a force suppressant collar on they can't have a link with another Jedi and they have no powers..That's Obi's condition now.That's why Bruck is better than him right now.THE ONLY REASON.



    Yoda sat in the common recreation room at the temple, talking. Qui-Gon entered the room and instantly honed in on his old master and Mace.

    \\ Maybe if I recounted the events of the day concerning Obi-Wan and Master Ramina Mace or Master Yoda could give me their perspective on it.\\ Qui said to himself as he sauntered over and greeted his two friends.

    Qui-Gon told them what happened to Obi at saber training, and was careful that he left nothing out.

    ?Hard to say it is why Tylo would use his padawan to demonstrate to initiates. Padawan Chun?s abilities surpasses any initiate or any beginner padawan, they do. Surpass Obi even more so, I think. Master Ramina good Jedi he is, even better teacher I think.?

    ?No one questioned his ability or motives. Well maybe his motives a little. The demonstration he gave his class, in my opinion only served to injure and degrade Obi. Not that I am saying it was his intent?.

    ?Talk to him you should. Find out reason for the things he does.?

    ?Maybe later.? Qui commented. ?Obi said if Master Ramina was confronted about the incident, he would seem like a baby in the others eyes and be accused of running to his master. I promised to say nothing for now.?

    ?Like you, your padawan sounds already. Quipped the old master. ?See you do, his pride gets in the way, it does not. Problem I had with you also.?

    Qui released a little laugh. Mace and he looked at each other, and Mace rolled his eyes.

    ?Don?t you two start,? interjected Master Windu.

    ?Start I do not,? voiced Yoda. ?Story I am to tell the young ones. Excuse me you will.?

    On this night, even the very small are allowed in the common room. Yoda was going to tell them stories. While some older initiates like those in Obis? saber class, and the padawans think they are too old to listen to stories, they turned their ears to Yoda, listened, but tried not be noticed.

    Qui watched Master Yoda go to where Obi was sitting and stopped to talk with him. So far Obi had not made friends, other than a 10year old initiate named Bant . Bant would have been with Obi now, had it not been time for a required visit to her homeland before being chosen as a padawan.
    **On the other side of the room**

    ?Stories I tell young one, wish to listen you do?

    Obi ventured to look at the little master and a smile formed on his face. ?Oh, yes Master Yoda, I would like that.?

    Qui continued to watch his former master and Obi.

    ?My old master seems to have taken a liking to my padawan.?

    Mace,? Yes when
  12. sheleigh Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 31, 2002
    star 4
    that was stunning, ewen. Poor Obi-Wan- his birth seems to have ruined his chances with many- though he is obviously pure.

    As always, ewen, amazing. Eagerly await more! :D
  13. shanobi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 11, 2001
    star 4
    Well, sounds like Bruck and his master are quite a pair. They deserve each other.

    Don't start doubting now, Qui-Gon. You are a jedi master, so master those emotions. :) Don't you start hurting Obi with your doubts.

    Just a question though. They do share a soul bond, so shouldn't more of these emotions be passing more freely between them? They should be able to reassure each other with just a thought.

    Anyways, good post ewen. Looking forward to more.
  14. PadawanKitara Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Dec 31, 2001
    star 5
    ditto Shan They definitely are two peas in a pod. Now I know that no master had to be suckered into accepting Bruck. Instead, he seems to have found a hatefilled, kindered spirit. And, it looks like they are out to do harm to our favorite!
  15. Cascadia Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 15, 2002
    star 4
    Bruck and his master are certainly not getting along well with Qui and Obi. It seems that Ramina may have had something against Qui before this, regarding Xanatos. Can't wait to see what kind of run-in Obi will have with Bruck. And poor Obi always has to pay for Xanatos' betrayal. Post again soon. :)
  16. CYNICAL21 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 8, 2001
    star 4
    Now you're talking, Ewen - very nicely done. Good action, nice plot development, and - best of all - you've given your readers a villain they'll love to hate.

    That's one of the benchmarks of a good, intriguing story.

    I'm assuming that Obi can't sense much of the soul bond as yet, because of his midichlorian count being artificially depressed. Right? Which makes it very convenient for Bruck and his sociopath Master - since I'm assuming Obi wouldn't be able to use the link to call for help from his Master - if, for example, he got attacked in some remote training room, or something.

    OK - that's it. This is CYN officially reigning in the imagination - and refusing to speculate further.

    Write more soon. OK?
  17. Angel_Skywalker Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Feb 10, 2002
    star 4
    *Grr* What is this other master thinking, being so mean to Obi and Qui-Gon? Well, he really belongs to Bruck, they have to be a nice couple! I believe Master Remina will give Bruck a good example how to stay calm and loving! :p

    Mace, someone should put sense into you, asking Bruck to show everyone to Obi, poor boy!

    You did a great job with this, continue soon please!!

    Angel
  18. ewen Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 11, 2001
    star 4
    Yoda had finished telling his story and returned to his two friends. He noticed
    Master Ramina as he walked away.

    ?Hmph?Tell me what that was about you should.? The little green master chirped.

    ?It would seem that Master Ramina has already deemed my padawan unworthy to be a Jedi. I guess he judged Obi-Wan solely on his parents and not the child himself.

    ?Harshly judged Kenobi when first met, you did. Mostly of his fathers crimes it was.? Yoda seemed to enjoy reminding Jinn of that fact.

    ?You could hardly compare me to Master Ramina, Master Yoda.?

    ?Why should I not. Judged before knowing the boy, you did. Just as Ramina judged Obi on his parent?s actions.?

    Qui pinched the bridge of his nose as if to indicate his annoyance with the old master. ?As you say my master, but I won?t have Obi-Wan in his class if he?s be picked on and ridiculed.?

    ?Chose you have not, Master Jinn. Much the boy must to learn, he should. Tylo teach him, he will.?

    ?I won?t argue with you master, but Obi WILL NOT stay in that class.?

    Yoda stood and tapped his gimmer stick on the floor, with enough force that a few of the children turned to look.

    ?Argue with you I won?t. Decision made, it has been. The class he stays.? If understand the force right, I do, Obi-Wan Kenobi will succeed with such abundance in all his classes when midiclorians are restored. Needs now to learn humility in order to be gracious with much success he will attain.?

    Master Jinn sputtered as if the words he wanted to say couldn?t be formed. ?How could demoralizing a child make him better??

    ?Make him better it will not. Make him stronger it will. Kenobi surprise you, he might. Teach Master Ramina about humility too, he could.?

    "Tend to your padawan now you should. The next weeks, hard on him it might be, harder on you, I suspect it will be.?

    With that puzzling bit of directive to Qui-Gon, Yoda hobbled away and left his former student shaking his head in wonder and astonishment?????.

    Three weeks had passed and Master Jinn had not heard any complaints from his apprentice. He would catch a glimpse of sadness when occasionally he dropped Obis? mind shields, but nothing more.

    Today had been exceptionally trying for the master who found more joy in traveling the universe than correcting a 19 year old?s stance in an advanced kata, but he knew he must accept it. While he took a break from his class, he overheard two of his students talking about a padawan named Chun.Their conversation consisted of joking that Padawan Chun had found a new ?little one? to terrorize. He as much told them so, but did not give the name of the child.

    Instantly as if a light had been turned on, Qui knew whom the child had to be. Obi, his child. That must be why he felt the sadness along their bond.

    After much thought on the situation Qui-Gon decided it was best to say nothing at all. Although he kept both his and Obi?s shields up, when he occasionally dropped Obi?s he had felt no real pain from Obi. The abusive aspect of the practice sessions must have subsided.

    \\Yes.I must wait for him to come to me. He?s a Jedi after all. \\

    With that thought Jinn?s emotions swirled.

    .\\He will be a true Jedi apprentice in a few months.But for now he was just a little boy, trying to survive and adjust to this new environment he had been thrust into. I wouldn?t worry so much, had he been equal to the others.\\


    L
  19. CYNICAL21 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 8, 2001
    star 4
    Oh, my - looks like you've got a time bomb ticking there, Ewen - and is it just me - or shouldn't the big, bad Jedi Order be doing something to control the vindictive little sadists that have gravitated into the knighthood, undoubtedly so they can get away with just this kind of behavior.

    It even makes you want to roll Yoda up in a little green ball - and punt him through the uprights - ya know?

    Great job - and very passionate. Can't wait for more, and crossing fingers, toes, eyes and otherwise in the hope that whatever Obi does, there is understanding among his elders for a child driven beyond the point of rational response.
  20. KenobisGirl Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 10, 2001
    star 4
    Woo-hoo! Great story, ewen! I'm really enjoying this so far.

    A blow up between Obi and Bruck? Bring it on! [face_devil]

    More soon please!

    KenobisGirl :p
  21. jedi7 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 8, 2002
    star 4
    This is sooooooo good ewen, we have to wait till Wednesday for a post :( hurry up wednesday!!!!! 7
  22. Cascadia Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 15, 2002
    star 4
    Great emotional build-up, ewen . I can't wait to see just what does happen between Obi and Bruck. :)
  23. shanobi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 11, 2001
    star 4
    Oooooh, a confrontation already :) Obi was doing a pretty good job handling it on his own, but everyone has a breaking point.

    I just hope when Obi does let Bruck have it that he doesn't get in too much trouble. I do have to agree with CYN on one thing though. Why is it that nobody is keeping and eye on these young knights in training. Nobody ever seems to catch on to Bruck.

    Bruck does need to be taught a lesson, but for some reason i dont think anyone will be thanking Obi for teaching it.

    Can't wait til wedensday :D
  24. Angel_Skywalker Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Feb 10, 2002
    star 4
    Oh, oh ! Obi, don´t do soemthing foolish. you have no force, so Bruck is much stronger than you! I have a bad feeling about this.

    Qui-Gon, this was indeed a great advice. The council won´t be that happy about Obi´s plan...

    NEEDD MORE SOON !!!!

    Angel
  25. PadawanKitara Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Dec 31, 2001
    star 5
    This story keeps getting better and better.

    I can't wait to see what happens next.
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