Saga Obi-Wan Challenge Stories - Closed

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by obi_ew, Aug 11, 2003.

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  1. Sheila Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 6, 2002
    star 4
    Loved your post Drabbo. You said so much with so few words and it was incredibly unique. I hope to see more from you soon. :)
  2. Thalia_Nox Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 29, 2002
    star 3
    I never knew that you could say so much with so little! Congratulations Drabbo_Fett! I loved it.
  3. Darth_Leia_6669 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 26, 2003
    star 4
    Late as usual, but I've come with my replies!

    Caught in the Undertow-Bekah_K
    That was impressive, especially from a first time writer! I do hope that you will write again!

    Never in Vain-JadeSolo
    That was marvelous! Absolutly wonderful! Ok, so I'm speechless, I'll admit!

    The sands of Time-Drabbo_Fett
    Short, sweet, and to the point. I liked it very much!

    I'm going to throw out this little bunny, free to a good home. I highly doubt if I'll ever do it. But how would Obi's opinion of himself change over the years?

    --later--
  4. Drabbo_Fett Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Feb 5, 2003
    star 4
    Thanks guys, and sorry this is so late. I did think about posting to the Workshop thread, but I couldn't think of what to say. ?[face_plain]
  5. dianethx Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    Excellent, Jade - I liked how you had the string of love going through all the sections, especially when Obi-Wan was young. Great job.
  6. dianethx Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    Drabbo That was so sad. I felt really bad for Ben, trying to make a sand castle in the shape of the Jedi Temple. Great job with so few words.
  7. dianethx Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    Title: Shattered
    Author: Diane Kovalcin
    Note: This story does not reflect my opinions of Qui-Gon!!! - this is strictly an Obi-Wan point of view! Please note that it might be helpful to have read the Jedi Apprentice series. Plus it's an experiment....Enjoy.

    --------------------------------------

    *Just a rock,* his mind whispered, *just an ordinary, everyday rock*. Rolling the large pebble back and forth in the palm of his trembling hand, his anguished eyes followed the lift and fall as it moved over muscle and bone and sinew.

    The black stone was the only thing he had ever truly owned. River-smooth, it had been formed over the eons - the ebb and flow of water wearing away at the edges until nothing remained but the ebony heart. Gleaming, space-dark, with red veins floating through the translucent core like the willowy mists of a proto-star, the stone sat quiescent in his palm...waiting.

    It was said that the riverstone was Force-sensitive, although some deny it. It was said that it had saved his memory and he would never deny it. Fingers grazing the slick, velvety surface, the ebony pebble warming to his touch, he sat back and remembered....

    --------------------------------------

    It hurt. Bruck hit me with a rock and it hurt a lot. He hit me and I tripped and fell down. My Clan just stood there, watching him and me, looking at me like I was some kind of squashed bug. And then he started to laugh and pointed his finger. Called me "Oafy-Wan" once and then did it again. They...they...the whole Clan began to laugh and chant it, pointing and laughing, calling me "Oafy-Wan". I know I'm only almost six and clumsy and don't use the Force right but they laughed. It hurt more than the rock.
    I know I should be brave. I'm going to be a Jedi Knight some day and they never cry. But...but my friends laughed and pointed and laughed some more when I started to...to cry. It isn't fair. It isn't right.

    So I ran away. Didn't see anyone, just kept wiping my eyes, hoping I would stop crying and be a good Jedi. But I couldn't stop. It isn't fair. Bruck hit me with a rock. I hate rocks. They're pointy and hard and people use them to hurt other people. And I kept wiping my eyes.

    They are right, though. I am "Oafy-Wan", just a stupid, stupid kid - clumsy and always tripping over my own feet.

    So I kept going, not looking where I was, not caring, the tears making everything all blurry. I slid and bumped and pushed my way until finally I tripped over something brown and huge and fell down. Then I just laid there, hoping that whatever I fell on wouldn't eat me. Do big brown things eat little kids? I didn't know but I didn't get up. What was the point? I'm never going to be a Jedi because Knights don't cry and I do.

    The big brown shape moved over, looking down at me. I tried to move out of its way. It seemed friendly enough but I couldn't see clear. Then, when he said "What's this, little one?", I knew that it was one of the grown-up Jedi. The low rumbling voice sounded unhappy, kind of raspy, like he'd been talking too long or maybe he was sick. It could have been that he'd been crying but that was impossible. Grownups don't cry, especially not tall Jedi Masters with brown cloaks.

    I sat up, wiping my eyes, trying to be polite, trying to answer him. One must always be polite to a Jedi, especially big ones. But nothing came out of my mouth...well, except for a little sob, but I hoped he didn't hear that.

    And then he did a weird thing. He sat down right next to me and asked me who I was. Why did he do that? I'm just a crybaby runaway kid named "Oafy-Wan". But he did and I looked at him straight as I had been taught and told him, "Oafy....er, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Master."

    He seemed to think about it for a while before he told me that he was "Qui-Gon Jinn". I looked at him closer. He was tall and had a broken nose and his eyes were all sad and kind of red. He was blinking pretty hard, too, like he was unhappy. He closed his eyes for a minute, frowning a bit, then looked at me and asked why I
  8. Sheila Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 6, 2002
    star 4
    That was beautifully written diane and incredibly sad. I like the way you started the story with Obi-Wan as a small child and having a bad incident with a rock. It seems his hatred of rocks never left him as he stored up all his bad memories to bring to bear until finally the stone was destroyed. :_|

    Wonderful work. :)
  9. LuvEwan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 24, 2002
    star 4
    See, diane? You've taken a concept and made it all your own with this intense angle.

    A very, very heartbreaking vignette. The opening scene with Obi-Wan escaping his laughing friends, only to bump into Qui-Gon who is himself upset was just wonderfully written. Both were in perfect character. ;)

    I loved how there was a tense build-up to the final section, with shreds of his anger and frustration being revealed as he remembers different things about his unusual gift.

    And what an ending. :(

    Dark and devoid of hope--but beautiful just the same. :)

    Fantastic job!
  10. obi_ew Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Apr 14, 2002
    star 5
    He thought about that for a minute, then reached into his pouch and pulled out this big black stone. I was scared. I thought he was going to hit me with it. He looked really sad when I moved away fast but he just held it out to me, waiting.

    What a heartbreaking image! :( I love what you did with this from beginning to end. Lovely to see him as a frightened human boy, who over the years never quite losses that emotion. Bravo ! Well worth the wait my dear! :)
  11. PadawanKitara Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Dec 31, 2001
    star 5
    I am at Starbucks- I can't cry; no crying!!
  12. JadeSolo Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Sep 20, 2002
    star 6
    So diane finally posted! :p Well worth the wait!! :D I especially liked the end, when he just brushed his hands free of the broken stone.
  13. dianethx Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    Thank you all so much for your comments. They mean a lot to me. And I must apologize for taking so long but as my readers on my other fics know, I take forever to write anything...I can't seem to leave even one sentence alone...LOL.

    Actually, I would appreciate any constructive criticism. You can PM me if you like. This was really an experiment in a different writing style for me and I'd like to perfect it further.

    Anyway, thanks. And let's see some new stories!!!
  14. Darth_Leia_6669 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 26, 2003
    star 4
    Just a Rock- dianethx

    That was beautiful. I loved the poetic styling that you used, it worked so well. Such a haunting piece. I especially liked the part where Obi-Wan doesn't know why Qui-Gon gave him the stone, he didn't remember it. That was so sad. And from what I've read of the Jedi Apprentice (4-5 of them), you captured their relationship perfectly.

    Don't worry, I know that's not your view of Qui-Gon, and anyone who's read Betrayal should know as well! 8-}

    --later--
  15. dianethx Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    I'm going to bump this up since, hopefully soon, there will be new stories to read....

  16. dianethx Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    Ummmm, it's not my usual style. Here you go!

    ------------------------------
    Title: Pathetic Lifeforms or the Lessons of Life Section1A
    Author: Diane Kovalcin
    -------------------------------------------------

    "Pathetic lifeforms." The young teen's voice crackled with indignation. "I can't believe it. They called us pathetic lifeforms, Master."

    Qui-Gon Jinn made no reply. He was too busy trying to fly the shuttle, dodging energy bolts, fighting air currents that threatened to overturn them at any moment. He spared a brief glance at Obi-Wan. Thankfully, the Padawan had buckled himself in even as they had left the Palace grounds behind. But the frown on the young one's face was deeply embedded. Apparently, being told that he was pathetic did not sit well with the Jedi apprentice.

    While his Master was fighting to win free of the obstacles of air and the angry mob even now shooting long-range weapons at the fleeing Jedi, Obi-Wan continued to mutter to himself. Gazing down through the viewscreen, in the ever-increasing distance, a frenzied crowd of Cetrinoids jumped and howled and shook their huge clawed paws into the air.

    Obi-Wan shook his head. What was going on here?

    The giant felines had seemed very happy to see them at first. When they had arrived, the King himself had greeted them. Five meters tall, powerfully built with razor-sharp claws, the creme-and-orange striped fur did nothing to hide his enormous curved teeth or the gleam in his ebony eyes whenever he looked at the Jedi.

    He had ushered the pair into the main dining hall and seemed to show them every courtesy - petting their hair, sniffing at their hands. Obi-Wan hadn't minded that since the large snout was warm and tickley to the touch and everything appeared to be okay. His stoic Master was a bit tense, holding himself in ready stance and looking about the hall with a worried look on his face but that could have been because Master Qui-Gon was getting the same petting treatment from another of the huge Cetrinoids.

    But when the King started licking Obi-Wan's hair and neck and making purring noises, it was too much. He had backed away and the growling royal feline had grabbed his cloak with unsheathed claws, yanking at his arm just as the huge teeth clamped onto his ear. His danger sense went into hyperdrive. It hurt!

    Obi-Wan jerked away, just in time to see Master Qui-Gon get pushed down and several felines jump towards him. The hum of a lightsaber split the air and the crowd fell back as his Master shouted, "Run, Padawan!!!"

    The apprentice did not need to be told twice. Grabbing his lightsaber, he slashed at the King, singeing his fur slightly, and the enormous feline yelped in surprise. The slicing claws retracted for just a moment but it was enough. Obi-Wan ran toward his Master's side and they leapt free of the enraged mob, running for the shuttle.

    Howling at the fleeing pair, the Cetrinoids bound after them, shouting, spitting their rage at being denied. But the Jedi were faster. Closing the shuttle door milliseconds before the first of the felines arrived, they could hear the fury of the crowd. The shuttle moved slightly as the guards began to pound on the door.

    Powering up, Master Qui-Gon quickly yanked on the stick and the Jedi's ship roared away, the howls and taunts of the crowd still coming through the intercom. And that is when Obi-Wan had heard the Basic words "pathetic lifeforms". Several other sounds had followed but he did not speak their language. He assumed that it was more insults.

    Luckily, they had made it all in one piece. The rough flying eased and his Master gave a relieved sigh. He turned his head, gazing at his confused but indignant apprentice, and then broke into a wry smile.

    Qui-Gon's eyes seemed to be dancing with laughter as he asked, "So, Obi-Wan, you think that they insulted us?"

    Obi-Wan quickly replied, "No, Master." But then he thought better of it, his lips thinning for a moment. "Eemmm...yes, Master. We are not pathetic."

    "No, we are not. But we were not
  17. obi_ew Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Apr 14, 2002
    star 5
    [face_laugh] I loved it! Just imagining poor Obi-Wan being licked and his ear bitten! Dessert indeed! [face_love] :p Excellent job diane! Hope to see many more soon!
  18. PadawanKitara Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Dec 31, 2001
    star 5
    And what a tasty dessert he would have made too! [face_laugh]
  19. Sheila Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 6, 2002
    star 4
    Oh, I love dessert! :D

    Wonderful diane. I liked Qui-Gon's amusement at the end. I could well imagine the term "pathetic lifeform" becoming an inside joke between the two of them after this incident. :)
  20. LuvEwan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 24, 2002
    star 4
    But when the King started licking Obi-Wan's hair and neck and making purring noises, it was too much.

    Lucky King. :D

    Great twist on the topic, diane. :) Very original look at it. And so funny! I loved it. [face_love]
  21. dianethx Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    Thanks everyone. See, I can write things other than angst (you didn't know I had it in me, did you??). And surprisingly, it didn't take long - I wrote most of it during the OC awards ceremony! Guess when the plot bunny hits, it hits big time.

    Now, let's have some more stories....
  22. obi_ew Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Apr 14, 2002
    star 5
    Not sure about this! Rabid little bunny ran up and bit me while I was cleaning house! ;)

    Running Out of Days

    Fourteen year old Jedi Padawan, Obi-Wan Kenobi followed the tall massive body of the Corellian jailer down the long corridors of the prison transport. The lighting was dim, shadows lurking in the dark corners like phantom spectres waiting to jump out and grab him.

    Chiding himself underneath his breath for having such an over active imagination, he focused his attention on the wall of man in front of him.

    "My Master wasn't clear on why my presence was necessary," he commented, his voice echoing back to taunt him.

    Tossing him a brief glance over a broad shoulder, the man shrugged without slowing his ground eating stride. "We are pretty certain this is the man who attacked the two of you on your recent visit. Our local law requires one of you to make a positive ID before we can proceed with his punishment."

    A frown creasing his brow, Obi-Wan struggled to keep up with the fast pace. "What will his sentence be?"

    Halting in front of a dark cell, the man turned to face him with a smirk twisting his lips. "He has some Force powers so he will be Force suppressed until we can arrange to have him transferred to a facility that has constant dampeners. He won't be seeing the light of day for the remainder of his life."

    Troubled at the thought of taking someone's Force connection away from them, Obi-Wan closed his eyes briefly as he sent a probe into the cell. "He's injured?"

    Chuckling, the jailer's eyes sparkled with remembered delight. "We've been hunting him for over a week. He always seemed to be just one step ahead of us until two days ago. We cornered him in an abandoned building and when he realized he was trapped, he struck out like a wild animal. One of my men had to shoot him, for our protection of course!"

    Eyeing the man intently, Obi-Wan could sense that he was lying. "Has he been given proper medical attention?"

    A bark of laughter was the man's only reply as he unlocked the cell door and gestured inside. "Do you want me to accompany you?"

    Giving him a speaking glance, Obi-Wan shook his head, "No, I'll call for you when I'm through."

    "Suit yourself," his escort muttered as he locked the door, shutting the young Jedi inside.

    Taking a deep breath, Obi-Wan's gaze swept the cramped cell. A waste unit sat in one corner, clearly visible to anyone passing by and offering no privacy. The only other object in the cell was a small cot that lined one wall, a thread bare blanket resting on the end.

    A figure sat huddled in the middle of the cot, back to the wall and legs pulled up to his chest. The prisoner's head was bent, his forehead resting against his upturned knees and effectively blocking Obi-Wan's view of his face. All that was clearly visible were a pair of pale bare feet, and long pale fingers that clenched the material of his pants every few seconds.

    Long black hair was ratted and dirty, hanging in a wild cloud around the bent head. Taking a hesitant step forward, Obi-Wan sent out another probing Force tendril in an attempt to assess the man's injury.

    The figure's body seemed to tighten, his head slowly lifting to turn in Obi-Wan's direction. Taking a deep fortifying breath, the young Jedi hesitantly began to edge closer.

    "Is your wound bad?" he asked solicitously, halting only inches from the prisoner.

    A deep husky chuckle quickly turned into a gasp of pain, anguish permeating the Force around them.

    "If you're lucky... I'll be dead soon," a pained voice assured him.

    Youthful features creasing in concern, Obi-Wan reached out with a tentative hand to touch the man's arm.

    "Let me see it, maybe I can help," he urged, worry filling him as he felt the heat that seemed to simmer off of the prisoner.

    Pulling back, the man seemed to shrink into himself. "Why waste your time little one? These jailers plan to kill me as soon as you're gone."

    Troubled by the certainty in the deep voice, Obi-Wan took a seat next to him on the cot. Bright luminous
  23. PadawanKitara Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Dec 31, 2001
    star 5
    Brilliant! I loved the comment about pathetic life forms.
  24. Sheila Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 6, 2002
    star 4
    I always love it when you write Obi-Wan and Xan oe. And I liked your use of pathetic lifeform as something lighthearted about their master that broke the ice between them just a bit. Nicely done. :)
  25. dianethx Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    Great job! I liked how you worked the pathetic lifeforms into the story. I could feel the dirt and despair in the dungeon. Well done...
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