Saga Obi-Wan Has a Bad Day (Humor/romance with Siri, Satine, Padme, Ventress & ???) Now complete! 2/16

Author: ForceforGood
Description: What happens when all of Obi-Wan's crushes get thrown into the same room with him? A piece of lighthearted silliness I invented when I challenged myself to write SiriWan, Obidala, Obitine and Ventrobi - all in the same story! Yep, I went there.
Genre: Humor, parody, romance. No slash.
Rated: PG/K+
Characters: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Siri Tachi, Duchess Satine, Padme Amidala, Asajj Ventress and a mysterious stranger
Disclaimer: I do not own the Star Wars universe or any of the characters therein, nor do I make money from my fabulous fanfics. The plot of this story may vaguely resemble events from "The Clone Wars" cartoon, but I freely tweaked as needed to suit the purposes of my story. Oh, and I also shamelessly stole several lines of dialogue from "The Goonies" in the first chapter. They were just too perfect not to use.
Crossposted at fanfiction.net: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/6681467/1/Obi-Wan-Has-a-Bad-Day

Chapter 1: Siri

"You want me to do what with you?" Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jedi Master and hero of the Clone Wars, stared at his friend Siri Tachi in utter disbelief.

"Shhhhh!" Siri put a finger over his lips. "Not so loud, or the clones will hear!"

"Have you completely lost your senses?" Obi-Wan demanded, a little more quietly this time. There was only a handful of clones in the hangar bay of the Sundered Heart, but he didn't think it would be good for their morale to hear two of their superior officers having a disagreement of this nature.

"Not at all. I've done it before, haven't you?"

"No, I most certainly have not! It's too dangerous!"

"I bet Anakin has."

"Well, Anakin is a braver man than I am."

"Come on, it's not that dangerous."

"Two starfighter pilots flying straight at each other at full speed isn't dangerous?"

"Not if they're Jedi pilots," Siri explained patiently. "And it's not as if anyone does it just to show off. The slip-jaws maneuver could save your life someday, Obi-Wan."

Obi-Wan scowled at the floor. "I don't know..."

He'd been hoping to use this rare bit of downtime to relax for a change, but Siri had strange ideas on what constituted relaxation. They were on board a Corellian Corvette with a small contingent of clone troopers, en route to Mandalore at the request of the Jedi Council. Duchess Satine Kryze of Mandalore had been called to testify before the Galactic Senate regarding the activities of Death Watch, a Mandalorian terrorist group rumored to be garnering the support of the Confederacy of Independent Systems. Satine was an unapologetic pacifist who staunchly refused to take sides in the Clone Wars. Because Death Watch had already made an attempt on Satine's life, the Council had deemed it prudent to send Obi-Wan and Siri to escort her to Coruscant. They were docking now at Exis Station, a space station midway between the two worlds, waiting for the Sundered Heart to be refueled and restocked before they continued.

"Come on, we'll do it at half speed first, just to be safe," Siri coaxed. "Please?"

Obi-Wan sighed, but he knew from long experience that he couldn't withstand Siri's cajoling for long. "Why do I get the feeling you're going to be the death of me?"

"You're probably right, but since we have to die sometime, what a way to go!" Siri grinned mischievously and slapped his back before waving a clone over.

"We'll be taking the starfighters out for a spin while we wait," she told the commander. "Are they fueled and ready to go?"

"They're fueled, General, but I'd like to run a flight check before you go out. It should only take a few minutes."

"Very good."

"Now," Siri said to Obi-Wan as the clones switched on the engines of two sleek Jedi Interceptors and began performing the flight checks, "let's review. We don't want any mistakes. Imagine we're out there in the midst of a battle and we both have Vulture Droids on our tails and can't shake them. What should we do?"

"We should come around so that we're facing each other at a distance of at least 1000 meters," Obi-Wan recited obediently. "Then we head almost directly for each other, with an offset of just one

 

Then, from his vantage point sprawled on the deck, he noticed that the blue and white paint on the underside of his starfighter was blistered, blackened and peeling. He sat straight up, feeling a surge of indignation. "Siri!"

"What? What is it?"

"You scorched my undercarriage!"

Siri rolled her eyes. "Stop talking dirty, Kenobi, and get up off the floor. The crew is getting ready to re-enter hyperspace."

Love it already...PM list?

 

Very sweet and funny, and great writing! I really enjoyed it, the banter at the end was perfect and made me smile I can't wait to see what's going to happen with the rest of them! Looking forward to it

 

Loved it!! I love Siri and Obi-Wan together, in whatever situation they're in they're adorable together!

What comes next will be interseting as well, especially when all these women are in the same room with him...(you did say that's going to happen..right?)

 

It's like playing chicken!!!!

Great job. Could you PM me when you add another chapter. I can't wait to see what else happens to poor Obi-Wan.

 

Yes indeed! Although my goal as a writer is to get so many readers that I will be unable to do a PM list anymore!

Thank you very much! I can't wait to get there, either!

Yes, things will get interesting as I add a new woman each week! Be warned - like a Monty Python skit, this will just get sillier as time goes on.

It sure is! I would be scared to play a game like that with Siri!

 

Author's note: I had intended to update this twice a week, but a death in the family put a kink in the plan. I should be able to post regularly from now on.

Chapter 2: Satine

Obi-Wan and Siri followed their guide along a stone walk through verdantly green landscaping which led up to the steps of Duchess Satine Kryze's palace in Sundari, the capital city of Mandalore.

Prominently displayed in several places on the manicured grounds were large signs that proclaimed "Peace Park." Siri studied them, bemused, as they passed by.

"Pacifist Mandalorians?" she whispered quietly to Obi-Wan. "I never saw that coming. Did you?"

Mandalorians had long been known as the fiercest warriors in the galaxy, but Obi-Wan knew what Siri was asking him. He had had the privilege of getting to know Satine personally many years ago, back when she was a frightened young woman on the run from insurgents who were threatening the stability of the government. He and Qui-Gon had worked to ensure her personal safety for over a year. Now, she was not only leader of the New Mandalorians but also a respected voice on the Council of Neutral Systems, a group of galactic leaders who had banded together in the hopes of remaining neutral during the Clone Wars.

"That period of fear and violence early in the Duchess' life had a tremendous impact on her," he told Siri. "When things settled down and Qui-Gon and I felt it was safe to discontinue our protection, she swore that as Mandalore's leader, she would never subject anyone else to the terror she had felt, no matter how richly they might deserve it. Apparently, she meant it."

"But it's left her and her people incredibly vulnerable," Siri said. "These terrorists controlling Death Watch - they've been unbelievably bold in their attacks because they know she won't fight back."

"It isn't that she won't fight back," Obi-Wan said, "she's just determined to do it in some way other than violence. From what I've heard of her leadership, she's skilled in the political arena and she's good at winning allies. Once we get her safely to Coruscant and she testifies before the Senate about Death Watch's activities, she'll have the opportunity to do just that."

"But Chancellor Palpatine suspects she may be secretly in league with the Separatists already. He's going to try to pressure her to throw Mandalore's official support behind the Republic. You know he will."

"It doesn't matter. She won't do it. You have no idea how stubborn she can be. She'll do anything she can to ensure Mandalore remains independent. Anyway, it doesn't matter what we think. We don't have to get involved in the politics, thank the Force. All we have to do is make sure she reaches Coruscant safely."

They had reached the top of the palace steps, and their guide led them through a spacious anteroom and into a formal receiving chamber. There, surrounded by elegant white columns and canopied by rich red drapes, the Duchess Satine Kryze sat gracefully on an elevated platform scattered with cushions, a pensive expression on her face. She wore a rich blue gown and a curving headdress that framed her face and obscured most of her blonde hair. She glanced up as Obi-Wan and Siri walked in and bowed respectfully to her.

"Your Highness, I present Jedi Masters Siri Tachi and Obi-Wan Kenobi," their guide said with a bow, then at a nod from the Duchess he exited the room.

The Duchess regarded Siri silently for a long moment, then turned to study Obi-Wan. He couldn't help but take in a soft breath and hold it as her light blue eyes locked with his. Suddenly he felt as though his knees were turning to water.

Oh, no. Not good.

It had been so long since he'd seen her, and so much had changed since then, for both of them. He had hoped against hope that she would no longer have this power over him, but here it was, as strong as ever, and entirely against his will.

Not good at all.

Siri nudged Obi-Wan discretely with her elbow - they had agreed beforehand that he would do the talking, since he already knew the Duchess - bu

 

(These boards are driving me CRAAAAAZY!)


My condolences on your loss!


This was so chock full of goodness (Steely Jedi Glare, etc.) that I?d be quoting the entire thing if I wished to show what all I enjoyed.
But:

"Put that razor down this instant," she said, enunciating each word very clearly, "and leave that beard right where it is!"

Siri's in the house - and in command. That is the BEST line evah!

 

Loved this! Go Siri!! Loved the Steely Jedi Gaze line.

 

My condolences on your loss.

Great chapter. I enjoyed the whole beard thing. The has line is hilarious.

 

Love that Siri put her down the garbage shoot, and love that she did it I also think I like your version better... And of course the beard has to stay! Great job, so fun to read

 

I've always thought there must be a Jedi Gazes 101 class at the Temple for the younglings. Just watch the moves, they've all got it down, whether it's Qui-Gon's Serene Gaze or Mace Windu's Steely Gaze!

Thank you.

It seems we have a lot of beard fans on this forum!

Ha ha, thank you very much! It's unanimous, the beard must stay!

 

Chapter 3: Padme

"And once, he was carrying me to 'safety' after we got attacked by a swarm of venom-mites on Draboon, and he dropped me on my head!"

"He did? Oh, that's too much! You poor thing!" Siri patted Satine sympathetically on the back, and then both women dissolved into helpless laughter yet again. Obi-Wan harrumphed loudly from his corner, but they ignored him.

Satine and Siri were perched on an comfortably overstuffed sofa in the Duchess' receiving room, giggling freely together as they whiled away the hours on their damaged ship, waiting for a rescue ship to arrive from Coruscant.

Unfortunately for Obi-Wan, they had chosen to amuse each other by exchanging stories about him.

"Wait, wait, wait, I can top that!" Siri boasted. "Once, I went on a mission with him to Undiri, and-"

"Siri Tachi, don't you dare!" Obi-Wan burst out. "Not the Undiri story, please!"

Siri cocked an eyebrow at him, then turned her back on him deliberately. "He's still a little sensitive about that incident," she said confidentially to Satine. "You see, when the planet's governor invited us to the harvest ball, she also sent us the ceremonial clothing we were supposed to wear, and Obi-Wan's-" She couldn't go on for a moment, because she was laughing too hard. "And Obi-Wan's was..."

Obi-Wan didn't hear the rest of her sentence, mercifully, because he had left the room.

Grumbling under his breath, he stalked back to the rear of the ship. Judging from the jolt he had felt a few minutes ago, the ship had been captured by the tractor beam of their rescue ship, a spacious troop transport that could easily carry their smaller ship. Just as he reached the embarking ramp in the back, a second jolt told him the ship had been set down inside the hangar bay, and a few moments later the indicator light turned green to tell him it was safe to disembark.

And not a moment too soon. Obi-Wan felt he couldn't stand to be on the same ship as Siri and Satine for one more minute. He lowered the ramp and walked down, eager for a chance to have some alone time, and stopped in his tracks when he saw who was coming toward him with a welcoming smile on her face.

A floor-sweeping, fluttering teal gown. A softly feathered headdress, adding several inches to her petite height. Elegantly upswept brown hair and beautiful chocolate brown eyes.

Padme Amidala.

?Master Kenobi,? she said warmly.

?Senator!? he said, not bothering to hide his surprise. ?What an unexpected pleasure.? He bowed low and then took her hand when she offered it for a handshake. ?I thought you were with Anakin.?

Padme's eyes grew to saucer-size and her hand stiffened inside his. "Uh? with Anakin?"

"On your homeworld, I mean. Isn't he supposed to be investigating the miner?s uprising on the moons of Naboo?"

"Oh, the investigation.? For some reason, Padme was blushing. ?Sorry, I thought you meant... never mind. He's still on Naboo. The Chancellor asked if I was willing to accompany you to Nar Shaddaa before you bring the Duchess to Coruscant - there's been a change of plan."

"It was very kind of you to leave your own pressing matters to assist the Chancellor."

"Well, I'm doing it more for you than the Chancellor," Padme said. "Anakin was busy running around investigating the uprising and didn't really need my supervision, and I thought that since I can't have the apprentice, I might as well have the master."

Obi-Wan realized he was still holding Padme?s hand, and dropped it like a hot rock.

"?to help with the transaction, I mean," Padme added hastily.

?Transaction??

Padme smiled apologetically. ?I?m sorry, Master Kenobi, I?m getting ahead of myself. I'll explain everything as soon as the Duchess and Master Tachi join us.?

"I see," Obi-Wan said uneasily. A terrible thought had just occurred to him. "And, uh... what about your handmaiden Sabe? Did she accompany you?"

"No, not this time," Padme said.

"Thank the Force," Obi-Wan muttered under his breath. Things were getting complicated enough as it was.

***

Soon they were once a

 

I'm loving Obi & all "his" women!

"Maybe you're the one who attracts the trouble," Satine said, looking pointedly at his lightsaber hilt. Obi-Wan ignored this.

"Senator, you'll stay hidden until we're ready to make the transaction," he said firmly.

"I don't need protection," Padme insisted, folding her arms across her chest.

"Then do it to protect me. Because Anakin will kill me if anything happens to you."

Padme hesitated. "You may have a point there," she grudgingly admitted.

Are we sure it was the HILT that Satine was looking at?


Obi-Wan had a great line that Padme couldn't refute. Smart man. He already knows who Anakin would side with between him and Padme, doesn't he?

"Nice men" - nice reference to Leia. I like nice men, too, only problem is not that they chose the Code...but just aren't, um, available?

Now Ventress is joining the party!

 

Oh those lightsaber hilts!

And now... for my favorite Obi-woman: VENTRESS!!!

 

oh, man! Now Ventress?? Poor Obi-Wan..Siri going to love this.

Loving this story, very funny...

 

Ah, this is the best type of Obi-torture! I love getting to see more of the strong, spirited women of star wars all together.

As others have said, there are too many wonderful bits for me to quote my favorites. This story is a real treat to read.

Thanks for sharing!

 

"Siri, I have a bad feeling about this."

"You always say that! Don't be so gloomy."



"I'm not afraid!" Obi-Wan defended himself. "I'm just... cautious."

"Oh, cautious. I see."

"That actually felt pretty good," Obi-Wan said.




"I hate you, Siri Tachi," he said hoarsely.

"He's delirious," he heard Siri say to the clone hovering uncertainly nearby. "He doesn't know what he's saying."



"I take it back," he whispered when he was finally feeling human again. He opened his eyes and rolled onto his back so he could look up at Siri. "I don't hate you after all."

"I know," Siri said matter-of-factly.

"That was a pretty sweet maneuver, despite the anti-climatic ending."

That was funny. Now I'm off to read the next part.





"Obi-Wan, the Duchess says we've had an answer from Coruscant and they're sending another ship to retrieve us. It should arrive in about- OBI-WAN KENOBI!"

Obi-Wan jumped nearly a foot and frantically spun around, looking to see if another attacker was somehow in the room with them, but they were alone.

"Siri, you nearly gave me a heart attack! What's wrong?"

Siri is jealous that?s what. I must admit I prefer him without the beard, but I have to agree with Siri it wouldn?t do for him to obey Satine. Siri might do something nasty to him.

Now on to the next part.


Obi-Wan is sinking deeper into the quicksand the women are weighing him down I am loving this.

 

Great update! Siri shouldn't tease him so, I hope she makes it up to him Loved the whole exchange between him and Padme.

"And, uh... what about your handmaiden Sabe? Did she accompany you?"

Oh, Obi-Wan... Haha

And she loved her scoundrel with a passion that a nicer man never could have awoken in her.

Love this, hugely important to Padme's character. There was something like this in the ROTS novelization, and it always really stuck with me, very fascinating. I've always kept it in the back of my mind, to use to contrast with the type of woman that would fall in love with Obi-Wan, and I love how you've used it here, including the way it reflects Leia's relationship with Han. Great writing!

 

Yep, it's my personal opinion that Obi-Wan knew there were strong feelings between Padme and Anakin - he just didn't know how far it went. Or maybe he guessed, but didn't want to admit it to himself. And I thought the similarities between Padme and Leia's tastes in men were striking, once I noticed it! Except Han turned out to be nicer than Anakin.

There ARE nice men out there! It's just that, as you say, the available ones can be hard to find!

Apparently Ventrobi is more popular than I thought as a pairing! I hope you like the next two Ventress chapters!

Glad you're enjoying it! Ventress is really gonna shake things up!

It has been a really interesting exercise to write them all together and try to guess how they would react to each other! Thank you for the review!

The more women I added, the crazier it got to write! And Ventress is not even the last one!

I think I remember the part you are talking about, and it rang true to me too. It isn't a great compliment to Padme's intelligence, but I guess you can't really choose who you're attracted to!

 

Chapter 4: Ventress

"Ventress," Obi-Wan said flatly. "And here I thought this mission was going to be unpleasant."

The black-robed Dark Acolyte of the Sith stalked close behind him, her long fingers tickling across the back of his neck. "The pleasure's all mine, Obi-Wan," she whispered into his ear, making him shiver. Or shudder. With Ventress, it was sometimes hard to tell the difference.

"Ventress... can we do this later?" he said uncomfortably.

"Do it later?" Ventress breathed huskily. "What's the matter, Obi-Wan? Too good to flirt with me in front of her?" She looked scornfully at the Duchess of Mandalore, resplendent in her ceremonial robes and headdress. Satine stared back at her, not intimidated.

"Hello, everyone? Can we take care of business before pleasure?" Judan cut in. "You're willing to pay 12,000 credits, lady?"

"Of course," Ventress said, her voice honey-sweet. "I will pay all of it up front. You will not regret doing business with me."

"Let me see the credits."

"Surely you don't think I am so stupid as to carry that many credits around with me, in a place like this, with crooks like these around?" Ventress gestured contemptuously at Obi-Wan and Satine.

"Look, lady, I pride myself on not taking sides," Judan said. "I don't care who I sell to, but I've got to see the credits with my own eyes."

"I will take you to it. It isn't far."

"She can't be trusted," Obi-Wan cut in quickly. "She will cheat you as soon as look at you, but we have our credits here, now. We're ready to give them to you."

"Let me see them, then," Judan snapped. "I grow impatient."

Obi-Wan gestured to Padme, who emerged from her hiding place with a lockbox in her hands. Ventress laughed as she took in the sight of Padme's perfectly coiffed hair and elegantly draped cloak.

"Another noble lady, Kenobi?" she said incredulously, looking back and forth between Padme and Satine. "Which do you favor, the blonde or the brunette? Or are you starting a harem?"

"I don't care much one way or the other, as long as she has hair," Obi-Wan said before he could stop himself.

Ventress smoldered with rage.

Padme opened the lockbox, tilting it so Judan could see the contents. The credits rattled against the side of the box.

A smile spread across Judan's face. The spy pulled a datachip out of his jacket pocket and slowly extended it. Satine took the box from Padme and held it out to Judan at the same time, so they could make a simultaneous trade. Obi-Wan casually stepped to the side until he was standing between Ventress and the datachip. Her hands were hanging loosely at her sides, nowhere near her twin lightsaber hilts - he knew from past experience that she kept them clipped at the back of her belt - but Obi-Wan felt nervous just the same. Ventress was not going to let the datachip go without a fight, he was sure. Instinctively he touched his own lightsaber hilt. Ventress saw the gesture and smirked at him just as Satine and Judan made the exchange.

Suddenly, Ventress lifted her hand in a swift movement and Force-pushed Obi-Wan with violent strength. He couldn't block the blow in time and flew back, crashing into Satine and Judan. All three of them tumbled to the ground. Credit chips fell like rain, clinking on the durocrete. The datachip skittered away and, from his prone position on the ground tangled up with Satine and Judan, Obi-Wan saw it come to rest against a stylish black boot.

His gaze moved up and he saw a flash of brilliant purple as a cloaked figure stooped swiftly and picked up the datachip just as Padme dove for it and came up empty-handed. An instant later, Obi-Wan lost sight of the newcomer as Judan shoved him over and frantically began gathering the spilled credits.

Ventress shrieked in rage and charged in the direction of the purple-cloaked figure. Satine scrambled to her feet just in time to jump in front of Ventress. Both women crashed onto the ground. Ventress kicked at Satine viciously and tried to get up, but the Duchess fiercely clung to the Dark Acolyte's ankle.

Obi-Wan finally

 

"Another noble lady, Kenobi?" she said incredulously, looking back and forth between Padme and Satine. "Which do you favor, the blonde or the brunette? Or are you starting a harem?"

"I don't care much one way or the other, as long as she has hair," Obi-Wan said before he could stop himself.

Ventress smoldered with rage.

Hi five it, Kenobi!

"What are you waiting for, Jedi scum?" Ventress snarled. "Attack!"

Obi-Wan looked back uncertainly at Satine. "Aren't you going to tell me not to fight?"

Satine thought about it for a moment, then shrugged. "Her, you can fight."

"Oh," Obi-Wan said, surprised. "Thank you very much."

Why,yes, Satine, thanks. It made for some action to follow.

Siri momentarily lost her Jedi cool. "Get your hands off him, Sith witch!" she screamed, and with blue eyes flashing she Force-pushed Ventress into the stone wall so hard that it collapsed, loose stones tumbling down until they pinned Ventress to the ground.

Breathing hard, Obi-Wan and Siri looked down at Ventress, now disarmed, dazed, and half-buried in rubble. As one they deactivated their lightsabers and clipped them to their belts.

Siri smirked at Ventress and brushed off her hands with satisfaction. "Don't you ever touch him again, or I will personally see to it that you pay the price!" she added as a parting shot as she tugged Obi-Wan toward the speeder to make their escape.

My, Siri is rather protective of "her" Obi-Wan, isn't she?

This is one of THE BEST and funniest stories on the boards, evah! Thanks for the entertainment!

 

Loved it! Yay, Siri! You tell her!

But what is Ventress going to do to Obi-Wan now? and who is the mysterious lady Obi-Wan is rather ...afraid of?....

 

Oh my goodness, please put me on the update list for this! I'd pity Obi-Wan but I'm too busy laughing at him, poor guy.

The first few chapters were great...and then...Ventress. I love her so much. 'Starting a harem' indeed.

And who is this mysterious lady...? You've got most of Obi-Wan's pairings already present...a Mary Sue, perhaps?

 

I don't care much one way or the other, as long as she has hair,"

ROTL!

Great chapter. I wonder who this mystery woman is.