Discussion in 'Star Wars Community' started by Valairy Scot, Sep 4, 2012.
Actually, Jar Jar thinksMaster Kenobi is looking pretty bombad there, too.
I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
Deal. Look for email.
Aw, I have nothing to trade
You want in?
That's what Jar Jar said.
I ain't explaining...I'm not brave enough.
Sigh, well Obi-Wan insists it's time for bed. I shall not argue...
Oh, okay...Ruth said we can post here so fair warning - cover your eyes if you don't like: we might turn this into one of those round robin crazy stories.
Near Fatal Attraction
“Moie, moie, whosa dis strapping big fella?”
Qui-Gon’s eyes narrowed, not at the words, but the salacious tone – not to mention the leer on his new “friend’s” face. Which begged the question: were Gungans capable of leering? And if so, would such leering really be directed at –
“Obi-Wan Kenobi, meet Jar Jar Binks.” In reality, he wished to shove the boy behind him, safe from predatory lust, just as he had many times over the last few years. Obi-Wan was oblivious to the admiring glances and avaricious hands-claws-beaks that tried to invade his personal space and it was up to him – the boy’s master – to preserve that virginal innocence. Not that Qui-Gon didn’t understand: the boy was good-looking, intelligent, and charming when he wished. He’d faced the same trouble himself, though as an adherent to the Living Force, heeding its call had never been an issue. Nor, he smirked to himself, was satisfying their curiosity – or his.
“O – Bi. O – biiiii.” The Gungan lingered over the syllables, his tongue flicking in and out. “Very pleased t’meetcha, you big hunk of – “
“Enough of that,” Qui-Gon interjected.
“Is he blind, Master?” Obi-Wan whispered. Poor grown child; he thought the Gungan was blind to the glaringly obvious fact that Qui-Gon was by far the taller and broader man.
“Ah, blinded – ah, yes.” Jar Jar was blinded by lust and Obi-Wan by naiveté. And he was rather sickened by the thought of – no, no thinking along those lines. Obi-Wan passing a tobac stick to Jar Jar post-coital – no, no, NO. He smacked his head, trying to drive the awful picture from his mind…
… only to flinch when a long tongue snaked out and insinuated itself – nearly – into his padawan’s mouth.
“Jedi taste good,” Jar Jar crowed, his floppy ears as upright as perhaps a possible portion of his anatomy may have been.
“Uh, thanks?” Obi-Wan muttered and threw Qui-Gon a very rarely seen look of what-is-going-on-here.
“Another slurp?” Jar Jar quivered with hope. “Meesa got a baaad feeling.”
He was not the only one, Qui-Gon mused. As it turned out, bad feeling was quite the understatement.
“As do I,” Obi-Wan muttered.
“Yousa, too? Quivering of da heart – pit pat pit pat? Like you wanna do Gungan tongue duel and then –“
“Enough!” Qui-Gon roared. “Stand down, Jar Jar. We’ve got a battle developing.”
“Make-e love not war,” Jar Jar moaned.
“Make-e love, you get a war,” the Jedi master warned. “Keep your tongue off my padawan and,” he batted away two very erect ears about to caress Obi-Wan’s face, “anything stiff far, far away.”
“Speaking of far, far away – something very unpleasant is getting pretty close.”
“Don’t’cha be calling yourself unpleasant –“ the rest of Jar Jar’s sentence was cut off by a very large hand.
“Uh, uh. That’s the sound of something almost as unpleasant as I will be if you attempt to get any closer to my padawan. We need to make a move.”
“I’se be trying…” Jar Jar gurgled, eyes bulging.
“Well, don’t! If you think those are bad things coming your way, and I assure you they are, they are nothing like an outraged Jedi master protecting his padawan. They will only cut you, slice you into a million pieces, and blast you into oblivion. For whatever cacophony of sound you hear now,” he pushed a finger into the Gungan’s chest, “multiply it by 100 and that will be the sound of me breaking off any portion of your anatomy that comes within a half-parsec of my padawan."
Next: Part 2 presented by our own fair Ruth Baulding, Master of Angst and Obi-Torture
When at last they had attained the relative safety of the Bongo, Qui-Gon took up the strategically posiitoned rear seat, where his Jedi reflexes would permit him to easily thwart further attempts at Exploration on the part of their Gungan acquaintance.
Obi-Wan, focused on duty and on his nascent Bad Feeling, kept his eyes on the console and the undulating ocean floor. Jar-Jar, on the other hand, was obsessively focused on the young padawan, bulging eyes and other appendages speaking volumes about his current state of mind.
Qui-Gon exhaled slowly and mentaly recited the Lotus-of-Patient-Compassion mantra seventy three times.
His apprentice, ever attuned to hsi master's moods, and always impeccably polite, felt that the silence in the bongo was growing awkward and required diplomatic tact. He started up with the small talk.
"So, Jar-Jar, what does Boss Nass have against you?"
The Jedi master passed a hand over shi face, but it was too late now.
Jar Jar launched into an expressive recounting of his recent misadventures in the GunGan capitol city, one delivered in hsi pidgin Basic and peppered liberally with idiomatic expressions. Through their Force bond, Qui-Gon coul tell that Obi-Wan's attention was only perhaps one-third on the narrative, while his own more extensive exposure to Galactic dialects enabled him to interpret the story rightly - in so many words, the Gungan claimed that his enormous third leg kept getting in the way of his job, causing him to knock over objects, bump into dignitaries and generally make a scene.
THis braggadocio was wasted on Obi-Wan, whose innocent ears only picked up the general gist of the story.
"You were exiled becasue you were clumsy?" he repeated, disbelieving.
"You mighta say dat," the Gingan smirked, waggling his ear flaps to exude more love pheremones that woudl have no effect on a human.
Qui-Gon found himself wishing for a distarction, such as a deadly attack by nightmarish sea-monsters. And because focus determines reality, that is exactly what happened next.
Anyone want to "take a stab" at the next scene?
Absolutely not! I can't write and laugh at the same time
The best authors have Obi-Wan in good hands,
“Enough!” Qui-Gon roared. “Stand down, Jar Jar. We’ve got a battle developing.” Now where have I seen those words recently! Perhaps from Dooku, just before I ran my sabre through his arrogant heart.
Oh my word!!!
Are we just a teensy wee bit mad at Dooku? !!??
Once safely landed on the outskirts of the Tatooinian settlement, Qui-Gon found himself faced with a new dilemma: the perennial mind-puzzle about the farmer, the foxill, the hen, and the bag of seed. If he took Obi-Wan with him into town, he would have to leave the insufferable Gungan on board to wreak havoc; if he went alone, he would have to leave the insufferable Gungan /unsupervised/ in his padawan's presence. Sighing, he decided he would have to cut his losses and take the Gungan with him, instead of his padawan. It was the only way.
He found JarJar in the cargo hold, assiduously ogling Obi-Wan as he latter performed his basic morning kata. He shouldered through the throng of handmaidens inexplicably crowding the same hatchway and loomed threateningly over the Gungan, whose eye stalks were rigid pillars of lascivious admiration.
"Moie,moie, moie," the besotted creature was moaning as Obi-Wan flowed through the grceful dance, eyes closed in serene contemplation of the Force. Faster than thought, the Gungan's purple tongue shot out toward the padawan's extended thigh, like a grog snapping at a tasty fly. Faster than faster-than-thought, the Jedi master pinned the offending organ in mid-air with thumb and forefinger, arresting its sticky flight toward the yet-unsullied target.
"/Don't/ do that again," Qui-Gon growled, releasing the perfidious tongue. It retracted into the silly twit's head, setting him momentarily agog.
Jar-Jar shook his head to dispell the ill effects and muttered, "o-bee, obee.."
The soft command stopped Obi-Wan in mid-motion. He opened hsi eyes and looked curiously at Qui-Gon.
"I will take the GunGan and find spare parts in teh spaceport. You stay here and fix the hyperdrive."
This earned him a pained look. Obi-Wan's brows furrowed together slightly, making Jar-Jar pant. "With all due respect master, the Captain and his crew are best qualified to effect repairs to their own ship. And my place is by your side."
"Luckyyyyy," the repulsive GunGan moaned at Qui-Gon in abject envy.
"I'm sorry," Qui-Gon sighed. "It must be this way. And put a shirt on."
His fraying temper had caused him to speak sharply to his protege. WOunded, and not understanding the cause of his mentor's vexation, Obi-Wan responded with a curt bow. When he was angry, his trademark swagger became just a /tad/ more pronounced.
JarJar collapsed in a moaning puddle as the padawan stalked across the decks to the engineering compartment.
"YOU," the Jedi master snarled, "Are coming with me."
Awww... I love this one:
thank you, ardavenport!
Thanks for posting that, Ruth, I'll have to check it out later.
I can only take so much of the Jar-Jar things...although I am finding it very funny...
I'd much rather read about the handmaiden's ogling...or maybe even getting into a fight with Jar jar over him.
It's all right, we're almost done. Val and I just had to get it out of our systems, right Val? You want to end it or me?
He shouldered through the throng of handmaidens inexplicably crowding the same hatchway and loomed threateningly over the Gungan, whose eye stalks were rigid pillars of lascivious admiration.
Yes silly and weird. but I too would like to know what the handmaidens were thinking about our bare chested Youngling.
No matter, any bit of fun at Obi-Wan's expense is worth a look. Well done Ruth and Val
Oh yes! Ruth, I am a larger than teensy-bit angry with Dooku and I would love it if Obi woke up and told Dook's that he'd prefer to be an agri-corps worker than be the punching bag for Dooku. As it was no one wanted Obi-Wan in the first place . it would serve them all right if he resigned to Agri corps. It may even teach Qui-Gon about honouring his word to teach Obi-Wan
Maybe I'll have our virginal Obi-Wan vs the lusty - or lusting - handmaidens.
Yes, either that or have Qui-Gon deftly turn the GunGan's attention in other directions when they get to Coruscant. They could be standing upon the landing platform, and Qui-Gon might nudge Jar Jar in the ribs and point out that Senator Palpatine has a very cute cleft in his chin, too.... thus saving his padawan's innocence and sparking off a new love, one that would span the stars...