FF:NZ [Off topic] Joke: Girls are evil!

Borrowed (and slightly modified for readability here) from one of the Usenet Newsgroups ...

Girls Are Evil

I. First we state that girls require time and money. So, we have:
Girls = Time x Money

II. And as all of us know, "Time is money":
Time = Money

III. Therefore:
Girls = Money x Money

IV. And because "Money is the root of all evil", we have:
Money x Money = Evil

V. And we are forced to conclude that:
Girls are Evil!!!!!!!!

Now you know the truth

Makes complete sense to me!

 

A teacher divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender for the following reasons:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender, for the following reasons:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they cause the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

Of course the females won ...

 

not a girls vs boys joke but damn its funny!

Smart Cats

Four people were bragging about how smart their cats are.
The first was an Engineer,the second an Accountant,the third a Chemist,the fourth a Council Worker.

To show off,the Engineer called to his cat,
"T-square,do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to a desk,took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle,a square and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart,but the Accountant said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said,
"Spreadsheet,do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.
He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good,but the Chemist said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said,
"Measure,do your stuff."

Measure got up,walked over to the fridge,took out a quart of milk,got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Council Worker and said,
"What can your cat do?".

The Council Worker called to his cat and said,
"Coffee Break,do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet,ate the cookies,drank the milk, shat on the paper,screwed the other three cats,claimed he injured his back while doing so,filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave!

 

For want of anything better to say...

 

the most amusing thing is that's the wallpaper on my desktop and has been for some time.

 

Heres some really bad ones!

Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted

A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start
anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in
here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac
under his arm
and says:"Pint please, and one for the road."

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in
hisY-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says 'What
are you supposed to be?'
The man says "A premature ejaculation".
"What?" says the woman.
The man says "I've just come in my pants."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get
married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was
brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to
you?"

Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to
the doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green
grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially
inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only
cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see your
nuts."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Answer phone message
"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash
key...."

A man walks into doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um... well... I have five penises."
replies the man
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers
fit?"
"Like a glove."

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "dam"