Saga Oh, **** Things don't go as planned aboard the Death Star. Humor.

Title: Oh, ****
Author(s): Valairy Scot
Timeframe: Saga, AU
Characters: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Vader, cameos by Luke, Qui-Gon, Anakin, Yoda
Genre: short in 100-word drabbles
Keywords: Obi-Wan Kenobi, humor, Death Star
Summary: Things do not go as planned aboard the first Death Star
Notes: This is a drabble 'test run" of a Whacked Universe story. Each section is a 100 word drabble. It's a test run in that it's fun to do drabbles but a real Whacked U story is hopefully funnier and with a bit more explanation as to what really happened.
Do note: fair bit of swearing in this story.




“Oh, ****!”



“Oh, ****!” Obi-Wan Kenobi moaned.

He raised his eyes from the small form crumpled on the deck, then up – up the towering black monstrosity looming above him. He licked his lips. “I am so dead.” Sadly, though he had embraced that very fate not two seconds before, the thought now had him quaking in his boots. He could give himself over to the Force, but he had had enough rejections for a lifetime – no point in starting anew in the afterlife as well.

And was honesty really the best policy? It was the only policy for a Jedi.

“Oh, ****.”




“Ummm, uh, Vader…” the old Jedi slowly backed away, determinedly not looking at the sandy haired boy, the redemption of Anakin, the galaxy’s only hope – the dead boy – over there. “I really, really hate to tell you this but,” his tongue wetted his lips once more, “but that dead boy over there is, um, your son. You were supposed to kill me, not Luke.”

“You lie, old man.”

“Search your feelings,” if you have any left, he added under his voice.

“Oh, ****.”

“I am so sorry – I was sacrificing myself to save him.” And this, too, goes into the failure column he noted.

“I am so dead.”




“Oh, **** – my son? Really?”

To Obi-Wan’s horror, the intimidating dark Lord of the Sith stumbled like a broken man to the corpse and fell to his knees and - and even further. Obi-Wan tittered. It probably wasn’t polite, but one didn’t usually see a Sith do a face plant. Oh, sure, it was the weight of his suit, not his grief – and – was that a muffled sob?

A Sith – crying?

Instinct took over, and with a swish of his robe – still in one piece, he was pleased to note – Obi-Wan knelt beside his former padawan and tentatively reached out.





Obi-Wan’s eyes roamed the immediate vicinity. Several staring rebels, many staring Imperials, one broken-hearted Sith Lord and – damn, one broken-hearted Sith Lord.

He really couldn’t cut and run, now could he?

But it had always been his job to comfort Anakin. And if the Sith was crying, surely that was a sign that Anakin was at least partially back.

“Damn.”

His hand awkwardly patted Vader’s – Anakin’s – whoever’s shoulder.




To Obi-Wan’s horror, the Sith Lord lurched into his arms and bawled his eyes out – unless it was drool - with a mask one couldn’t be sure, and Anakin always had been an ugly crier. All sniffles and – and snot. His shoulder was soaking wet now and Vader – Anakin – the deceased’s blood and kin – was shrinking in on himself.

Dissolving, before Obi-Wan’s disbelieving eyes.

It gave a new meaning to the term ‘reduced to a pile of tears’ – or puddle. Obi-Wan flicked on his lightsaber and prodded at the pool most delicately. Pffft. Sizzle. Steam boiled and evaporated.

“Well, damn.”




“Language,” scolded the ghost of his former master as Qui-Gon Jinn materialized where Anakin had been, standing jauntily on the pool of black armor. Happily ignoring his own admonition, he shook his head and grinned. “Damn, Obi-Wan, I wasn’t kidding when I said your words could kill.”
“Technically…” Obi-Wan tried to point out, but Qui-Gon interrupted him.

“Technicalities, schmacknicalities. Don’t focus on the past. Seeing that Luke is dead, and Anakin as well – well, congrats, Obi-Wan, the Force’s own Sith-killer and now new ‘Chosen One.’ Go forth and conquer.”

“Jedi don’t – oh, ****.”





“Yes,” Qui-Gon beamed. “Beat that barve Sidious. And even if you don’t,” he shrugged, “it’s still a win win situation. You win or you join the Force a bit later than initially expected.”

“The anticipation is killing me,” Obi-Wan replied dryly. To his surprise, he felt the tug of a long gone braid against his skull.

“Brat,” Qui-Gon said fondly. “Do try to be late, Padawan and dump Anakin’s daughter somewhere safe. We don’t need any collateral casualties a second time. One final piece of advice: be creative. Don’t talk Sidious to death – it’ll take too long and you’ll both not survive.”

“Use my cutting wit?”

“Exactly.”




Obi-Wan blinked; like that he was dead and yet alive. “Damn funny,” he grumbled, “not!” remembering how he’d managed this feat.

“Padawan.” Qui-Gon Jinn grabbed him by both shoulders and beamed into his face. “I’m so happy you’re dead.”

“Master.” Anakin pounded him on the shoulder.

“Obi-Wan,” a wizened green creature warbled, his pointed ears curling in welcome. “Wiped the Sith out you have. Done well, died well; proud we are of you.”

“I died,” he sniped. “Someone told me to use my ‘cutting wit’ on him and guess what?

“Not your fault no sense of humor had Sidious. “

 

you killed Luke Anakin is a muddled mess and Obi-Wan killed the sith by boring them to death. Nice

 

“Brat,” Qui-Gon said fondly. “Do try to be late, Padawan and dump Anakin’s daughter somewhere safe. We don’t need any collateral casualties a second time. One final piece of advice: be creative. Don’t talk Sidious to death – it’ll take too long and you’ll both not survive.”

The whole thing was funny, but that just had me rolling.

 

Funny.

I always like Robot Chicken and Family Guy's take on Vader finding out he has a son.

"The son of Skywalker must not become a Jedi," Palpatine tells Vader.

"Hey!" Vader replies to Palpatine. "I thought you said I killed my wife and unborn child?!"

 

a great fun to read

 

That was a fun read! Very well thought out.

 

Funny, Val. And a bit loony..but I liked it!

 

Tee hee hee....

Obi-Wan tittered. It probably wasn’t polite, but one didn’t usually see a Sith do a face plant.
The mental image...

This was very funny! Thanks for sharing!

 

That was hilarious!!! Good job!

 

JediFalcon:

'twas an experiment in writing, trying to restart the muse.

Alexis_Wingstar

And Qui-Gon struck out again, giving bad advice - he was too focused on Obi-Wan "boring everyone to death" and forgot to factor in Sids.


Jedi_Lover: Glad it made you laugh.

Earlybird Obi-Wan: Glad you enjoyed.

Hazel

Ha, joke's on you, it wasn't all that thought out, just sprouted out.

obimom: Loony, huh? My first "loon award."

mavjade: titters at your tee hee hee

hlc88

And here I was merely going to amusing. Guess I "overdid it."

 

Oh dear *lips twitch* This sorta reminds me of something I did..a crack fic...so that's what its called.

bravo!

 

Hehe Always fun to read your stories! Wait...did he kill Sids or not? Or am i just pretending he did because he is so awesome and perfect in my lovely brain? I loved all his little quirks in this, very cute.

 

Hah! Qui-Gon is especially funny here.

 

I love Obi-Wan's thoughts through the whole thing. His death is also hilarious. (That sounds terrible, but go with it.) I very much enjoyed.

 

What actually inspired this was a random brain-picture and Obi-Wan cursing when he realizes the Hope is dead.

Serendipityaey: Who knows?

Eryndil: Qui-Gon is often funny. Funny, he swears worse than Obi-Wan did. (intestinal byproducts is Obi-Wan's curse word.)

Luna_Nightshade: When *I* am feeling in a wierd mood, so do the characters and one never knows what they'll get up to.

 

I enjoyed this very much, particularly the interchange between Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan. Good job!

 

Wow. This is awesome. I laughed so hard I cried.

 

This could have happened so easily ...

 

You....are....so....good....at.....this! Keep.....going! Please!

 

It probably wasn’t polite, but one didn’t usually see a Sith do a face plant.

But...it's funny!

Awww, Obi-Wan. I love that he reached out.


Anakin always had been an ugly crier. All sniffles and – and snot.




The ending!! There's too much to quote! Oh that was hilarious.

 

I was rereading the Whacked Universe stories and was delighted to discover that there was a new addition that I had been unaware of.

Oh, **** indeed! At least Obi-Wan is the new Chosen One and wiped out the Sith. Even if he died in the bargain.