Oldies But Mouldies

If there's one thing I'm associated with, it's humour threads. In the months I've been here, they have always attracted a group of cool readers who have all become regular visitors.

So just for you fellow BB-ers, I'll re-post some of my threads the upcoming weeks, little highlights, that, hopefully, will entertain you for 10/15 minutes. Today's the first one.

"How I Met Britney Spears And Got A Good Smoke Out Of It".

Funny, I didn't know you were interested in Britney Spears. But come on in.

Hey, you too? Look at that. Well, take a seat. The more the merrier, of course.

I met Britney Spears today. And she was a dwarf. She was here to promote some film or other, the cinematic equivalent to being stuck in a Nigerian jail, and gave a press conference at Hotel The Grand in the heart of Amsterdam -- one step away from my University. Naturally, being the raincoated creep that I am, I went to check it out.

She's a dwarf. No, she's to dwarves what dwarves are to us. If dwarves would want to make fun of dwarves, like we do, they should pick Britney Spears. Had she made her acting debut in a live-action remake of "Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs", she would have gotten bad reviews anyway, but at least people would have said that she looked the part.

Twelve other people were standing there waiting. Twelve. There were more cops, more crush barriers, than actual fans.

I approached one guy and said, "Hey, you like Britney?" And he said, "Britney? I thought there was free beer here. Gotta go then."

The eleven other people all looked quite...special. Like people at a Star Trek Convention look special. They kept to themselves and avoided eye contact. Some of them were eating, others were -- I don't know, just existing without really being aware of themselves. They could have been Martians in disguise, trying to learn about Earth. Well, come to a Britney Spears press conference then.

I have a free entrance pass because I organized some readings which took place at the Hotel. With it, I can attend special events, but unfortunately can't get any discounts or free stays. I got it in '00, never used it, and have to give it back when I finish University, which probably is in May, 2002. Boy, was I lucky Britney decided to grace our country this month.

At the start of the press conference, some record label tool shouted that questions about world politics and her virginity would not be allowed. Of course, any self-respecting journalist would immediately have asked "How is your lost virginity going to help the homeless people in Afghanistan, huh?" But no.

"I love it here," Dwarf 8 giggled, and it amazed me that she didn't add: "....in Denmark."

Further, there were questions about the sort of fruit she would compare herself to ("A kiwi", though the answer should have been "A fruitcake, weedle weedle waddle"). Someone asked about her plans for the future, and she said that she'd like to "produce", or "direct", or "do more movies." That last answer had the audience gasping for breath, and I swear I saw lightning flashing and heard horses whinnying.

If she had any hobbies, someone asked.

"Shopping."

No one wrote it down. I think most people thought, Yeah, guessed so.

Is she mad? She certainly seemed mad to me. She talked funny, almost inaudible, and made weird hand and head movements, as if she was performing some odd dance, the Don't Show Any Intelligence Or Independent Personality Dance. She gave incoherent answers which never consisted of more than three, four words. The words themselves didn't have more than one or two syllables.

Suddenly, when asked about Amsterdam, she said she would rather have gone to a coffeeshop than do this press conference. I think most of us felt that way.

"Amsterdam is fun, fun, fun. I love it here."

You loved being driven straight from Schiphol Airport to this press conference in a black-windowed Limo? Are you OK? Here, put on this NSLINK album, it'll make you feel better.

Well, that was it, and Britney, who absolutely yeah cool tot

 

woah, you pulled the ol' switcharoo

still classic

 

Here comes number two. It's recent.

"I Command You To Take Me Seriously, The Fool Told Us".

Some time ago I went to a concert in De Melkweg in Amsterdam with a girlfriend.

We often go to concerts together; mostly it's she who decides where we go to because I only like The Beatles and they don't play together live anymore.

And it's always a surprise for me. She never reveals what band we're going to see, because she knows I'll start moaning and protesting as soon as I do know. You see, I'm a bit of whining homebody. I like to stay at home, with the cat, watch a little film, have a glass of wine and shove off. She wants to go out and do stuff.

So, that day, she once again convinced me to go out and do stuff. We were going to a concert. "You'll like this," she said, and boy did she turn out to be right. Off we went.

De Melkweg is quite famous. It's a bit underground, yet mainstream, it's cool and OK. Pearl Jam once did a gig there, Neil Young visited it, and so did The Stones during the time they did low key surprise gigs throughout Europe.

And then he comes on the stage. And he demands R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Let me tell you something about him. In 1996, he wrote and starred in "Sling Blade", a critically-acclaimed film you've probably seen or heard about. Later on, he did "A Simple Plan", "The Man Who Wasn't There" and "Monster's Ball", among others. Yes, we're talking about Billy Bob Thornton.

He goes up to the mike and shouts, really the first thing he shares with us: "I'm 46 f---ing years old!" He has a crucifix around his neck. He wears a cap. He looks like someone you'd avoid, a victim of some chemical poison that does odd things to the brain.

"I want to tell you what my songs are about! Anyone who's got a problem with that, can take a p--s NOW!"

Oh yeah. Perhaps I was going to have fun after all.

He stares menacingly into the audience, who are not visibly impressed, and then someone yells, "You talk too much!" And another: "Start playing, man!"

A bit confused, but still semi-malignant, he stares back, and then invites the fan to suck his private part, raising his middle finger and thus roughly describing the shape of it.

A woman shouts: "Show us your willy!"

You should have seen his face. His eyes widen. He looks as if he has just discovered he has had sex with a goat.

But he starts playing anyway. His band, a group of similar 9-to-5 wild siders, consist of what must have been a thousand people, all banging drums and playing loud guitars and looking very evil and p--sed off.

"Gimme power!" he shouts, encouraging himself. "I want to see you f---ers sweat!" he screams. Billy obviously thinks he's James Brown or Mick Jagger, not some ridiculous derailed actor in a half-filled cavern.

"F--- you all!" he suddenly bellows midway through a song, causing a brief moment of warmth and mutual appreciation.

He sings a song about his wife, Angelina Jolie -- and if you want, no, demand to be taken seriously, apparently singing a song about Tomb Raider is the way to do it. He also manages to babble on about her for an hour before finally playing the actual song. He loves her, and he doesn't care if he's unconventional, dammit!

He also does "Green Tambourine", "California Dreaming" and "Sloopy Hang On". Strangely, I had not previously realized the song had 50 verses and even a couple of cuss words scattered throughout.

"Play "Lola"!" someone shouts bizarrely.

Billy's eyes search the audience for a point to raise his finger to, but it takes too long, so he aggressively stamps on the floor instead.

Then, suddenly, he gets vicious again. He raises a fist and threatens to kick the "fat a-s" of some journalist in London (an "idiotic c-sucker") who has made fun of him. Respect! You can't make fun of Mega Superior Cool Man, or you'll feel his wrath!

And then it happens. Someone yells something, and Billy Bob explodes.

It's classic. It's great. It's worth its money alone. It has everything: hilarity, sadness. Billy Bob, now in full rock and roll

 

another classic!

[image=http://www.billybobthornton.net/closeupbbt51k.jpg]

"Damnit Debo, i am not to be trifled with!"

 

Number three. Part one of the series:

"Sesame Street Teaches You The A-B-JC's!"

[image=http://www.cnn.com/SHOWBIZ/TV/9811/13/sesame.street/bert.ernie.jpg]

Ernie: Bert! Bert! I don't understand this!

Bert: What! What, Ernie? What don't you understand?

Ernie: Spam, Bert.

Bert: What about it, Ernie?

Ernie: What is it, Bert.

Bert: Well...that's...Why, why do you want to know? Why are you asking this?

Ernie: So all the children watching will know what it is. Geez, Bert, don't be so paranoid. P.A.R.A.N.O.I.D. Paranoid.

Bert: Ah, I see. Well, spam is -- say Oscar goes to the supermarket. He sees all these cans of...

Ernie: No, Bert. I mean what spam is on a messageboard.

Bert: Oooooh, that! Why didn't you say so, Ernie! Spam is when you start a thread about something...

Ernie: Huh? But then everything is spam!

Bert: I wasn't finished, Ernie! Spam is when you start a thread about something that no one really can talk about. It's...when you say something just to say it, and not because you really want to talk about it.

Ernie: I still don't understand it, Bert.

Bert: Ernie, spam is when you start a thread about the first thing that comes into your mind. And you don't really talk about it, you just say it. It's when you start a thread about nothing, or all sorts of things.

Ernie: Eh...

Bert: Do you want me to sing it, Ernie? Maybe that will help.

Ernie: Yes, Bert!

Bert: Alright. But just this once! Ahem.

[image=http://www.omroep.nl/nps/tv/sesamstraat/gfx/poppen/04.jpg]

Spam is bad, spam is wrong
Spam is why I sing this song
Spam is bad, spam is no
Spam is what makes this site so slow!

Don't start a thread about what you eat
Don't start one about your feet
Don't start one nobody's going to read
Because spam is a no-no indeed!

Don't start a thread about your street
Don't start one about how much you like meat
Don't start one about the desert heat
Because spam is a no-no indeed!

Spam is bad, spam is wrong
Spam is why I sing this song
Spam is bad, spam is no
Spam is what makes this site so slow!

Bert: You got it, Ernie?

Ernie: Yes, I think I understand it now!

Bert: Don't start a thread about your luck
Don't start one about the time on the clock
Don't start one about the clock doing tock
Because spam is going to get locked!

Ernie: My turn!
Don't start a thread about your socks
Don't start one about all sorts of rocks
Don't start one that will get mocked
Because spam is going to get locked!
But you can start one about your rubber duck!

[image=http://www.omroep.nl/nps/tv/sesamstraat/gfx/foto/achtergrond01kl.jpg]

Bert: Ernie, that's spam!

Ernie: Sorry, Bert!

Bert: Spam is bad, spam is wrong
Spam is why I sing this song
Spam is bad, spam is no
Spam is what makes this site so slow!

Don't start a thread about your beautiful tan
Don't start one about the sand
Don't start one about your glands
Because spam will get you banned!

Ernie: My turn again!
Don't start a thread about your hands
Don't start one when you're already in the top ten
Don't start one all over again
Because spam will get you banned!

All together now!

[image=http://www.expatica.com/www/upload_pix/bertandernie.gif]

Bert and Ernie: Spam is bad, spam is wrong
Spam is why we sing this song
Spam is bad, spam is no
Spam is what makes this site so slow!

Ernie: That was fun, Bert.

Bert: It was, Ernie, it was. But let's hope all children will have learned something from it.

Ernie: Can we talk about socks next time, Bert?

Bert: Socks? Why do you want to talk about socks, Ernie? Why not shoes or boots, that is what I like.

Ernie: No, not that k

 

ROTFL!!!

Stop it Debo, you're killing me!

~*Senoj*~

 

ah, Debo you truly have a gift

especially love the song

 

The song is the best part about it. How long did it take you to come up with it?

~*Senoj*~

 

Actually, that song was composed very fast. It even has a melody -- all these little songs and rhymes in my posts have real melodies.

I only have some trouble using proper grammar sometimes, making sure it's all correct.

 

[image=http://entertainment.news.com.au/common/imagedata/0,1658,196167,00.jpg]

Smoke me, Debo.

 

[image=http://perso.wanadoo.fr/tholmes/images/series/Divers70/hulk.jpg]

Roaaarrr! Me not Debo! Me Casper!

 

Here.

Angelina Jolie filed for divorce. That's the end of that.

I wonder if Billy Bob is still going to sing "Angelina" in--

Whoa, I just stopped caring in the middle of my post!

 

x 1138

classic.