Saga One with the Force--Vignette, complete

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by Lurkalidth, Oct 26, 2003.

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  1. Lurkalidth Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Feb 5, 2003
    star 2
    Hi! This is my first, and likely last attempt at an original post: I'm a reader, not a writer. Oh well, every bell curve has to have a lower half too.

    Please feel free to tell me if something about this piece strikes you as subpar. I really don't mind "negative" feedback, for it actually provides a roadmap on how to improve.

    I hope you enjoy. :D


    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

    The carnage, the chaos, the quenching of the Light... It's my fault, all mine--yes, mine.

    Perhaps Palpatine credits his machinations with causing the Overthrow. Maybe Ani bullied hundreds of systems into the so-called Emperor's power. Ultimately their responsibility pales before my own. For it was my hubris which brought the Republic crashing down. I, a footnote to an expunged history, forgotten dust on a destroyed planet, me.

    Even now the Litany of If dominates my consciousness. If only I had accepted him as my Learner when he was ten or eleven, after the contest when he was twelve, or even when we first met aboard the Monument. If only I hadn't abandoned him physically on Melida-Daan and emotionally on New Apsolon. If only I hadn't discarded him before the Council. If only I hadn't brushed him aside with my last words. If, if, IF! A decade of weaving flaws into the Lightest presence I'd ever known, all of which I blithely justified at the time as following the Will of the Force.

    The Will of the Force...what an apt term, for I have learned that the Force does have a consciousness and does not tolerate having Its name taken in vain. We have all been punished for our petty blasphemies. The haughty Councillors who presumed to rule--not counsel--"in the Name of the Force"...witnessing their fallibility as the Order, and their all-important "authority," dissolved into naught. The so-called Chosen One, who refused to "enslave" himself to the Order and who forsook the Force for bodily pleasure...now bereft of several body parts, enslaved by the very Dark Side and machines that sustain him.

    And I?

    I, the self-professed champion of the Force...forced to witness how my actions defied the Force's intent. For although in life, others heralded my connection to the Force; in death, the Force prevents me from binding with It. I am not one with the Force.

    I cannot complain. My sentence is just, if not especially enjoyable. My observations have edified me more than I ever dreamed...or feared. And why should I feel peace when my follies wrought galaxy-wide destruction?

    The worst...the worst is that I cannot visit him. Now that I understand the depth of my wrongdoing, I cannot lessen his self-recriminations or beg his forgiveness. It wasn't my padawan's fault he couldn't save Anakin, after all; I had damaged that corner of Obi-Wan's soul that might have reached him. It...hurts to know he blames himself, and that I cannot disabuse him of his guilt. The Force does allow others to come and comfort him, countless others, but not I. Never I. It's as though the Force fears to let me close, does not trust me with Its Child of Light, lest I thwart destiny once more.

    I do not blame It.
  2. female_obi_wan Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 1, 2002
    star 3
    That was good! :D (You should write more often :) )
  3. JediSenoj451 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 24, 2001
    star 4
    Oh well, every bell curve has to have a lower half too.

    If you consider your fic to be at the bottom of the curve, then where would mine go? The bottom of the bottom of the bell curve?

    Hm. That's a depressing thought. :p

    Truth be told, this is a very well written piece. It falls under the category of the upper half of the fanfiction bell curve, in fact. And that's no lie! Your word choice is exquisite and the inner dialogue was captivating. You give Qui-Gon's inner voice so much character!

    Keep writing! I'd love to see more of your work on the boards. Don't let good talent go to waste. ;)

    ~*Senoj*~
  4. dianethx Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    You are NOT at the bottom of the bell-curve. It was well-done, a good vignette of the anguish that Qui-Gon must suffer as he watches the destruction of the Republic.

    You should write more...
  5. CrystalKenobi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 31, 2003
    star 4
    Very well done. Yes you should write more.
  6. obi_ew Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Apr 14, 2002
    star 5
    Amazing first try! :) I'll add my voice to the call for more! ;)
  7. Lurkalidth Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Feb 5, 2003
    star 2
    Hi! Thanks for your very generous reviews. :) I'm very grateful you derived some enjoyment from my (very) modest efforts.

    female_obi_wan: Thanks. :) Unfortunately DWB prevents me from even reviewing as much as I'd like (including your stuff--yes, I'm a regular reader but a lurker), so...

    JediSenoj451: Aw, please don't be rough on yourself. I wasn't trying to insult anyone other than myself. I think everyone tends to look at their own writing with an extra critical eye. I guess this was my left-handed way of saying that the writing on these boards is astonishingly good--the creme de la creme. Some of the authors here inspired me to read the first two JA books for background...but then I realized that many/most of the works here far surpass the "official" writing.

    But thanks for your encouragement.

    dianethx: Hi! Thanks for your kind words. :) I really like your feel for Qui-Gon in Betrayal. Sometimes I can get really annoyed with him in other works--especially the "official" books. You provide a balanced, nuanced view of Qui-Gon et als., so your feedback on this aspect means a lot to me.

    CrystalKenobi: Thanks! :D I'll try...just as long as it doesn't cut into my reading time. ;)

    obi_ew: Thanks...and thanks. :) Actually you--that is, your wonderful Lying series--inspired this effort, sooooo...maybe if I continue reading your stories (and you continue to write them!) inspiration-by-osmosis will occur again. ??? Well, it's worth a shot.
  8. astroanna Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 8, 2002
    star 4
    [face_shocked]

    You wrote a piece...a wonderful piece at that...and a follow up besides....

    And didn't tell me!!??

    Oh, well, I don't mind...the level of writing is too good... :D

    See, I told you you had it in you!!!!

    [face_mischief] :D

    The twist of having Qui being the one blaming himself instead of Obi-Wan is unexpected and clever... I love it!!

    Wonderful job, and I hope to read more from you in the future!
  9. obaona Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jun 18, 2002
    star 4
    That was beautifully sad. :) I especially liked this line:

    It's as though the Force fears to let me close, does not trust me with Its Child of Light, lest I thwart destiny once more.

    It was very good - don't stop writing. ;)
  10. Shaindl Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jun 18, 2002
    star 4
    Qui-Gon's guilt is palpable here. You've done a wonderful job exploring his feelings and thoughts and the terrible burden he carries. Can't wait for more from you!

    Shaindl
  11. LuvEwan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 24, 2002
    star 4
    Wonderful[/b] job, Lurkalidth! Qui-Gon's pain is both real and haunting. Excellent emotion and description. I [face_love] it!
  12. Captain_Observant Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 15, 2002
    star 2
    Wow!
    That was great!
    It was nice to see a story from Qui-gon's point of view; about his feelings of the universe falling into darkness and the role he played in it!
    You played the emotions wonderfully!
    Awesome job!
    :D

    This is my first, and likely last attempt at an original post: I'm a reader, not a writer.
    yeah...I told myself that once too... ;)
  13. CYNICAL21 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 8, 2001
    star 4
    Stunning - and perfect. I don't think you have a thing to apologize for - unless it's threatening to keep more work of this caliber from us. If this is a first try, you're going to eventually blow us ALL away. :eek:

    SOOOOOO - look into my eyes, Lurky. You WILL write more. You wouldn't want to defy the Will of the Force, would you?

    CYN
  14. Lurkalidth Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Feb 5, 2003
    star 2
    Howdy!

    I'm astonished that so many folks've read this...and that all the people reviewing are the same authors whose works regularly floor me. So, um, thank you.

    astroanna: Thanks. You've always been very supportive. I admire your deft touch w/r/t vignettes; your thread is in my favorites--or was before Reformat C: misery. :(

    obaona: Hi. :) I appreciate your encouragement. I can't get too interested in writing, though: it would cut into my lurking time, especially since there are so many worthy stories that I love reading here :):cough:: ::cough:: Water's Edge). I'm glad you and HHP seem to be working so well together on that story: it's too gripping a tale to leave unfinished.

    Shaindl: Thank you. :) I've wondered what's been going on in his head (in the OT) for a while, whether he showed any remorse at all for his actions. (There were a lot of Qui=Bucketheaded jerk scenes when I wrote this, so I was feeling a wee bit vindictive.)
    It's a comfort to imagine, though, that your Garen is around to comfort Obi-Wan, if only in Blue Ghostie form.

    LuvEwan: Wow. This is high praise indeed, since I love your vignettes. I adore the caring, but flawed, Qui-Gon you depicted in Blurred--and it's delightfully ironic how the title is equally applicable to Qui-Gon as to his stricken ex-padawan.

    Captain_Observant: Hi. :) Thank you for your kind words. I'm always concerned that I'm being overly melodramatic; it's such a fine line to walk. Hopefully Qui-Gon will be regretting his actions in your story...although that is, of course, your decision as the artiste; I'm merely a fanfiction groupie.

    CYNICAL21: I'm honored by your response. Your works inspire me. I'll never write as well as you--I haven't a poetic bone in my body--but I accrue so much enjoyment from reading and re-reading (and re-re-reading! ;)) your stories. Your poignant scene in Tomorrow, where QG asks OW to stop laughing ("It hurts.") was one of the two inspirations for this attempt. So, thank you for your feedback and your stories. :)

    Once again, thank you all for reading this, and have a wonderful week. :D
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