Onslaught humorous version (spoilers, of course)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by Opie Wan Cannoli, Feb 1, 2000.

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  1. Opie Wan Cannoli Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jun 10, 1999
    star 3
    Since this is a Stackpole book, we start with a;
    Dramatis Presonnae
    (That's Latin for "take your Dramamine now")

    Some pirates that get captured in the first chapter that no one cares about
    Mara Jade (human female from.....somewhere. Jedi Knight.)
    Corran Horn (human male from Burlington, VT, now living in Arizona, Jedi polic-I mean, Knight)
    Gavin Darklighter (human male from Tatooine, Rogue Lead)
    Luke Skywalker (if you don't know who this is, go read the Klingon Shakespeare)
    Leia Organa Solo (Human female from Alderaan, Still Not a Jedi Knight)
    Jacen Solo (insufferable twit from Coruscant)
    Jaina Solo (Jedi turned Rogue. Basically Corran backwards. Joins CorSec in Tyers' book)
    Good Anakin Solo (human male, Jedi Knight*)
    Evil Anakin Solo (human male, alias Darth Rerun)
    Han Solo (drunken louse from Hell)
    Chewie's ghost (ex-Wookiee from Kashyyyk)
    Danni Quee (Human female from Force knows where)
    Da Boss (Human male from Modesto, CA)
    Borsk Fey'lya (Bothan male from Hell)
    Darth Horse (See above)

    * Actually an apprentice, but the Del Rey Overlords won't let MAS use those words (they don't want the Scholastic Overlords after them) and DB won't let him use the P-word.


    [This message has been edited by Opie Wan Cannoli (edited 02-01-2000).]

    [This message has been edited by Opie Wan Cannoli (edited 02-18-2000).]
  2. padawan3 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 20, 1999
    star 4
    Sounds great. Cant wait for you to get to the actual story.
  3. Opie Wan Cannoli Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jun 10, 1999
    star 3
    This is an add on. Anyone, feel free!
  4. Opie Wan Cannoli Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jun 10, 1999
    star 3
    Meanwhile....
    The characters have just gotten back to Coruscant after VP-
    "Which one?"
    What was that, Luke?
    "Which one, the canon VP or the Humorous Version thread? And it's Master Skywalker to you, fanboy twerp!"
    The can-, wait, I'm not having this ruined by protest posts from purists, the official VP. And can we keep this on a reasonably professional basis, none of this meta-aware stuff, Master Skywalker?
    "All right."
    The characters got back to Corusc-
    "What about the pirates"
    Who are you?
    "Rogue 11"
    Oh. The pirates are dead. So are you. Jaina has your callsign for most of the book. So cut the chatter, Rogue 11.
    "Makes sense to me."
  5. Jades Fire Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 8, 1998
    star 4
    "Hi, I'm Gunner."
    "I follow Kyp's philosophy (as if Kyp were smart enough to have a philosophy)."
    "Nuke 'em all!"
    "Take what's ours."
    "I know what's better for you than you."
    "I believe might makes right."
    "Go ahead, make my day!"
  6. Zaz Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 11, 1998
    star 9
    So here we are, folks, in the Senate on Cors-u-skank, where Leia Organa-Solo is about to address the Senate. Before she starts her speech, having seen dreadful suffering and death, Leia is naturally thinking about what she's wearing (we all know women are superficial, don't we?)...

    Leia: "Okay, guys, there's a bunch of nasty, aggressive aliens invading our galaxy! Saw them with my very own eyes on the Rim! They use bio-technology! They're gonna kill us all! DO SOMETHING!!!!"
    Dorkus Felt'ya: (languidly) "You're exaggerating, Leia. Humans always exaggerate."
    Leia: "Why would I do that?"
    DF: (yawning) "I could give you the lame excuse in the book, but why bother? We all know that the-hero-warns-the-politicians-but-they-are-too-weak-or-venial-to-do-anything-about-it scene is absolutely obligatory in alien-invasion stories, so get on with it. It's nearly dinner time..."
    Leia: "You're such a jerk, Dorkus..."
    DF: "Yeah, I know, but what choice do I get?...it's my thing. Now, where's Elegy...?"
    Elegy: "Here..."
    DF: "Good. Be ready to give the standard ?how-can-you-treat-her-like-this' speech. Hurry it up. I'm hungry."
    Elegy: "Okay. How-can-you-treat-her-like-this?"
    DF: (sarcastically) "Wow...he knows his lines..."
    Leia: "Look, can't you just check with the Outer Rim on my story...?"
    DF: "We could, of course, but the exigencies of the plot make it impossible. Logic never plays any part in a MAS book, remember? We have to behave like idiots...it's required..."
    Leia: "Oh, yeah, I forgot, sorry..."
    DF: (reasonably) "After all, they can't have the big set-piece scene where the Senate gets its comeuppance without this scene first, can we?"
    Leia: "True..."
    DF: "Now, Elegy must support you, so he can take over as head of the Senate when the rest of us become Pong fodder...it's not as though this isn't entirely predictable..."
    Leia: "Yeah, right..."
    DF: "We don't want to miss any of the usual cliches, do we...?"
    Leia: "Of course not."
    DF: "Good. Toddle along, now, sweetheart, and tell your bro we refused to listen to reason...dinner time!"


    [This message has been edited by Zaz (edited 02-13-2000).]
  7. Jades Fire Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 8, 1998
    star 4
    [Zaz, I see you've read Onslaught. This one worth the money? I see this thread is not very popular so far. I guess DTO is harder to spoof, but I'll try.]

    At the Jedi Academy on Yasmine 4, Luke and Jacen are talking about their mission.

    Jacen: "Uncle Luke, are we goin' to Bilkdafans?"
    Luke: "Yes, Jacen."
    Jacen: "But, I don't really like that idea. It's... I don't know... a bad idea."
    Luke: "Well Jacen, I am the Jedi Master. I do the really nasty jobs, even when I don't like them. If it wasn't me who would do it?"
    Jacen: "Corran could do it. He's done it before."
    Luke: "But, I helped out with some of it."
    Jacen: "Not that much."
    Luke: "I suppose you are right. He does have quite a reputation."
    Jacen: "You see, let Corran do it and take all the heat."
    Luke: "But then I wouldn't be my usual self-sacrificing self if I gave him a scut job."
    Jacen: "No, you'd just be a good delegator."
    Luke: "Since when have you taken an interest in delegating?"
    Jacen: "I took your advice and have watched Dorkus Felt'ya. He's good at delegating the crap."
    Luke: "I see. In any case, we are goin' to Bilkdafans, whether we like it or not. End of discussion."
    Jacen: "Yes, master."

    [This message has been edited by Jades Fire (edited 02-17-2000).]
  8. Jades Fire Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 8, 1998
    star 4
    Meanwhile on Bimm-meal (mmm, yummy), the scientists have made a new discovery.

    Triktya: "Doctor Pace, look at this."
    Dr Pace: "Looks like you've found a really old cargo trunk."
    Triktya: "It has writing on it. We need a universal translator."
    (They scan the writing on the cargo trunk and download it into the universal translator.)
    Triktya: "It reads 'Property of House Atredies. Destination: Arrakis'"
    Dr Pace: "I wonder what it means."
    Triktya: "Could Arrakis be a city?"
    Dr Pace: "I suppose. It's not a planet that I know of."

  9. Opie Wan Cannoli Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jun 10, 1999
    star 3
    Meanwhile, back at Skywalker's ranch (the one on Yavin 4) Luke was handing out the last couple assignments to Anakin and Corran-

    "OK, Corran, you have two assignments. First is to hand Jysella off to Mirax to take back to Coruscant. She's too young to train."
    "I thought Yoda trained from birth."
    "Yeah, but he liked the taste of spit-up. Used to lick it up off his robes. I'm not that much of a redneck."
    Corran walks away from the room to find his family, and Luke addresses himself to Anakin, who's tinkering with something suspiciously like the carburetor from a '79 Nova.
    "What's my assignment, Unc-, I mean, Master?"
    "You're going to Dantoontown with Mara Jade."
    "Oh. You're sending me off with a babysitter."
    "No, I'm sending you off as a babysitter. Five credits an hour, pizza in the freezer, and you can watch "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" on the targeting screen once you land."
    "What about the X-Files?"
    "Mara doesn't like it. Apparently she used to go out with Mulder, and-"
    Anakin held his hand out,"More than that I don't want to know."
    Just then, Corran walked in, "Okay, what's my next assignment?", he asked, looking down just slightly to Anakin's level. (Anakin, of course, was sitting down. On the floor. And still, Corran had to stand on tiptoes.)
    "We're sending you someplace hot with lots of sand."
    "Tatooine?"
    "No."
    "Arrakis?"
    "No, and don't jump the story again."
    "Not....Stackpole's back yard?"
    "NO YOU IDIOT! WHAT KIND OF DETECTIVE-TRAINED JEDI ARE YOU?!!!!" Luke calmed himself before Corran and Anakin had a chance to dump a bucket of cold water on him,
    "You're going to Bimm-meal."
    "Sounds yummy. But aren't Bimms sentient?"
    "THE PLANET BIMM-MEAL, YOU DOLT!! I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE!!!!"
    Corran turned to Anakin," What's gotten into him lately?"
    "Well, ever since Aunt Mara got sick, she hasn't let him..." He whispered the rest in Corran's ear.
    "What, no hot chocolate? I didn't know she was THAT cruel!"
    "He has to go to McDonalds to get it. That anger is his burnt tongue talking."
  10. Amidolee Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jan 8, 2000
    star 5
    Hey, I just finished Onslaught (except 4 the last chap) and I love what you guys are doing!
  11. Zaz Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 11, 1998
    star 9
    [Haven't finished it yet, JF, but let's put it this way...if it isn't, you're in extremely deep poodu.....I had to give those bare-faced bandits at B & N hard currency (i.e. American money)...that hurt...so far it's much better than VP (but then again, it could hardly be worse) & better than the usual X-Wing stuff. Not as good as ?I, Jedi' which--okay, I admit it--I perversely enjoyed, despite plot-holes as big as the Ritz. From what of I've read of ?Onslaught' so far, I do note that MAS's usual tin ear for dialogue is in full cauliflower...]

    Over to Yavin Four, where Luke and Mara are having the NJO version of a love scene...
    Mara: "Now, Luke, this scene is supposed to undo the impression given in Vector Prime..."
    Luke: "What impression is that?"
    Mara: "That I hate your guts."
    Luke: "Oh, that."
    Mara: "Yeah, that. You can kiss my kneecap..."
    Luke: (exasperated) "What have I done now?"
    Mara: "Nothing. I meant it literally..."
    Luke: "You're kidding, right?"
    Mara: "Nope. I'd do it if I were you. It's probably the closest you'll get to home plate in this series..."
    Luke: (sighing) "Tell me about it..."
    Mara: "Stop complaining. YOU don't have to say lines like: "Your empathy and caution are two of your more endearing qualities..." I mean, what person with a pulse actually talks like that?"
    Luke: "Beats me, but just wait ?til you hear what I have to say to the children at the Academy. I sound like this lunatic Jedi version of Mr. Rogers...'Your bright, smiling faces are lit with the Force'...it'll be a wonder if they don't stone me to death then and there..."
    Mara: "And then I have to keep calling you ?husband' for cryin' out loud..."
    Luke: (interested) "Like a bad biblical epic...?"
    Mara: (sourly) "Yeah, just like that...so here's a news bulletin, farmboy. Call me ?wife'--just once--and they'll be scraping your entails off the floor..."
    Luke: "Wow. Thanks, Mara--that image really puts me in the mood..."
    Mara: (sardonically) "Glad I could help..."
    Luke: "You know, I'm beginning to feel a bit nostalgic for Vector Prime. Granted, we didn't have a relationship, but at least I didn't have to say lines like these..."
    Editor: (interrupting) "If you think that's bad, you should have seen it before we edited it..."
    Luke: (ironically) "What, you actually do something around here other than count money?"
    Editor: "Watch yourself. If we have to activate your implants, we will. We are NOT having AWOLs from this book, take my word. Just say your lines and get on with it..."
    Luke: "Okay, where were we...?"
    Mara: "We were trying to think of a reasonable excuse to split up our meager forces in the face of a much stronger enemy...and you were going kiss my kneecap..."
    Luke: "As for the first--can't think of anything..."
    Mara: "Me either. Guess we'll have to do without, then. Gotta get that trusty switching back and forth between characters, whether it makes sense or not...after all, we all know the fans' attention spans are short..."
    Luke: "And as for the second...well, if you insist..."
    Mara: "I most certainly do....next, you can kiss my wrist..."
    Luke: (sarcastically) "What's next, your elbow?"
    Mara: "As a matter of fact, it is..."
    Luke: "Do we ever get to an erogenous zone any time this century...?"
    Mara: (giving him a look) "You know better...this is the ?No-Sex-Please-We're-From-Modesto' regime, remember...?"
    We fade out to the sounds of Luke beating his head against the nearest wall, and muttering: "I remember, I remember..."
  12. Jedi Rox Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 16, 2000
    star 2
    Wow this is great, what its doing on page 6 i cant imagine


  13. Leila Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Sep 16, 1999
    star 1
  14. Darth Cerberus Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 12, 1999
    star 3
    TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!!!!!
  15. Zaz Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 11, 1998
    star 9
    Obedient to her Peerless Leader, Leia is preparing to leave with Elegy...
    Elegy: "So now we have to go off on a fact-finding mission. That's really stupid..."
    Leia: "I know, but there's a reason I can't stay here..."
    Elegy: "What's that...?"
    Leia: (muttering) "Never mind, it's not important..."
    Elegy: (sniffing the air suspiciously) "Um....I'm sorry..."
    Leia: (sighing) "Don't be..." (raising her voice) "Han, don't you remember you promised to stay downwind...?"
    Han: (standing in the doorway) "Oh, sorry..."
    Leia: (irritated) "The stench is worse than ever. Couldn't you, just, you know, PRETEND you haven't had a shower in weeks...?"
    Han: "You think I like I like wearing my last 159 meals? You think I enjoy smelling like a goat?"
    Leia: "It has occurred to me..."
    Han: "Well, I don't. This is my big "I'm-so-depressed" scene. Only got two pages to impress the fans. Gotta do the set-up for the Luceno books...."
    Elegy: (with interest) "What books are those?"
    Han: "You know, the ones that center on me. How I come out of my depression. How I acquire a new sidekick. How I become a pillar of Pong resistance. How I discover a cure for Mara's disease. How I disprove the ?Big-Bang' theory. You know, the usual completely predictable cliches..."
    Elegy: "Oh, yeah. So, you're getting a new sidekick?"
    Han: (listlessly) "Yeah."
    Elegy: "Do you know who it is?"
    Han: "No. Though I hope it's a gorgeous babe...that would be a nice change..."
    Leia clears her throat ostentatiously...
    Han suddenly remembers she's there. He gives her a weak smile.
    Han: "Um, just joking, honey..."
    Leia: "Doesn't matter. You smell so bad, a babe wouldn't come within a mile of you. Including me."
    Han: (to Elegy) "Great helpmate, ain't she?"
    Leia, grimacing, pulls Elegy out the front door and slams it.
    Han: (to the empty air) "Gee, thanks, honey, for being so supportive..."
    He slouches over to the bar and pours himself a triple. He drinks it rapidly.
    A voice says: "Han, you'd better lay off that stuff or your liver will be doing personal appearances without you..."
    Han looks up, unbelieving. He squints at the large pink Wookiee that has materialized beside him.
    Han (to himself): "Oh great. The DTs...!!! Just what I needed!"
    The Large Pink Wookiee: "It's not the DTs. I'm a Pookha."
    Han: "A what?"
    TLPW: "Sheesh. Haven't you ever seen the James Stewart movie "Harvey"?"
    Han (pouring himself another triple) "Can't say that I have..."
    TLPW: "Stewart plays a chronic drunk, whose only friend is a large pink rabbit named Harvey. Only he can see him and hear him..."
    Han: "Your name is Harvey?"
    TLPW: "No, stupid. I'm the spirit of Chewie. Since you're not a force-adept, this was the only way I could appear to you..."
    Han: "Why are you here? To comfort me? To relieve me of my guilt? To get me to stop blaming my son for your death...?"
    Chewie: (bored) "No. I'm here to haunt you, you moron."
    Han: (slugging back the triple) "That's not funny, Chewie..."
    Chewie: " Look, stupid, I don't blame you or Anakin for my death. We both know who's really responsible..."
    Han: "And that is...?"
    Chewie: "Give ya a hint. He's number one on the Forbes List of Disgustingly Overly Rich People, and determined to stay there..."
    Han: "Oh, him..."
    Chewie: Yeah, him. I love the way he killed me off for hype purposes..."
    Han: "They said they wanted to be more realistic..."
    Chewie: "Yeah, right. Then they immediately plan to replace me with some other cutesy sidekick. Very realistic, that is. Aren't you old enough to be out on your own?
    Han: "I guess not..."
    Chewie: "Not that my current state doesn't have its advantages..."
    Han: "Such as?"
    Chewie: "Well, for one thing, I don't have to babysit your boring brats anymore..."
    Han: "True..."
    Chewie: "And then again, I don't have to say any of Stackpole's dialogue....there are definitely times when death is preferable..."
    Han: "Also true...whaddaya know about Luceno...?"
    Chewie: "Nothing. Lots of the geeks say he's good, but then again, they said the same thing about RAS, and we all know how THAT turned out..."
    Han: "
  16. padawan3 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 20, 1999
    star 4
    Now that was funny. Keep posting.
  17. Jades Fire Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 8, 1998
    star 4
    Jaina and Danae are about to have their big scene together in the book.

    Danae: (perky) "Hi Jaina. How are you doing?"
    Jaina: (snappishly) "Would you just get to the point Danae."
    Danae: (suddenly pouty) "What's wrong with you? I just asked how you were doing?"
    Jaina: (pleadingly) "Don't you get it yet Danae?"
    Danae: (dumbfounded) "Get what?"
    Jaina: "What you are here for."
    Danae: "What do you mean?"
    Jania: "Haven't you looked in the mirror since we rescued you?"
    Danae: "No."
    Jaina: "You haven't seen that brand on your forehead?"
    Danae: (looks in a mirror) "What brand?"
    Jaina: "The one that says 'Male fantasy plot device'..."
    Danae: "No" (she can't really see it because she's not self-aware.)
    Jaina: "Believe me, it's there."
    Danae: "Whatever. If you say it's there, it's there."
    Jaina: "So you really don't know why you are here?"
    Danae: "I just stopped by to chat with you, that's all."
    Jaina: "Yeah, that's how it's supposed to start off."
    Danae: "Huh?"
    Jaina: "This is where Stackpole wants to get into some character development."
    Danae: "Huh?"
    Jaina: "We start off idly chatting, then we seque into a typical teen angst moment."
    Danae: "Teen angst. I think I had that single."
    Jaina: (ignoring Danae) "We talk about how I want to escape the shadows of my parents and establish an identity of my own."
    Danae: "Un, huh."
    Jaina: "How I want to set myself apart from them and be something they aren't."
    Danae: "So, what's this have to do with me?"
    Jaina: "You are just here to facilitate the discussion."
    Danae: "I like to talk."
    Jaina: "You really don't get it do you. You are just a transparent plot device. You serve no purpose in this scene other than to develop my character. You are just an extra character who only serves to develop other characters, without getting any development yourself."
    Danae: "Oh?"
    Jaina: "What do you want to do now that we've rescued you? What do you want to do with your life?"
    Danae: "I don't know. That hasn't been revealed to me yet."
    Jaina: "You see. Even when you were a 'smart' scientist, you were just a plot device."
    Danae: "How so?
    Jaina: "First, you had to help show that Oldman Carr was a brutal, manipulative enemy."
    Danae: "I see."
    Jaina: "Then you were captured by the Yubyub Pong and declared worthy for no particular reason even though the Jedi you were with was not worthy."
    Danae: "Go figure."
    Jaina: "Then, there had to be a dangerous rescue for my brother and me, and someone for my brother to have a new crush on."
    Danae: "Right. He's kinda cute."
    Jaina: (rolls her eyes and sticks her finger in her mouth in a gagging gesture) "You see, you're just here to serve as a foil for us."
    Danae: "Oh. I see." (she really doesn't see yet, remember, she's a blonde)
    Jania: "Take heart. You get to show a glimmer of hope later, after a similarly painful conversation with Jacen."
    Danae: (perky again) "Okay. Nice talking to you Jaina." (she walks off)
    Jania: (muttering to herself) "I wonder when she's going to get a personality?"


    [This message has been edited by Jades Fire (edited 03-06-2000).]
  18. Zaz Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 11, 1998
    star 9
    Next, we visit Gavin Darklighter, who is doing his thing, whatever that may be...Admiral Truest ***** enters Gavin's office....
    Truest: "Hiya, Gavin..."
    Gavin: (with a certain lack of enthusiasm) "Hi..."
    Truest: "Whatcha doin'?"
    Gavin: "Well, there should be a scene with my wife and kids, here, but Del Rey is trying to keep the page count down and the profits up...so I'm doing a cheesy memory montage instead..."
    Truest: "Bummer..."
    Gavin: (morosely) "You're tellin' me..."
    Truest: "Do you know what my role in this book is? I've been trying to figure it out..."
    Gavin: "That's easy...you're the token good Bothan..."
    Truest: "Oh...I wondered. And you?"
    Gavin: "I'm here to disapprove of Jaina Solo's elevation to Rouge Squadron...later of course, she gets to win me over and I become her greatest supporter, not to mention avuncular mentor..."
    Truest: "Who says?"
    Gavin: "We don't wanna miss any of the cliches, do we? I mean, we haven't so far."
    Truest: "Of course not."
  19. Zaz Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 11, 1998
    star 9
    At Han's insistence, the DROs have reluctantly agreed to open auditions for Han's new side-kick.
    Editor: (wheedling) "Now, Han, I'm sure you'd like Jar Jar...just give it a try..."
    Han: "And I'm sure I'm wouldn't. Go ahead..."
    Editor: "Oh, alright..." He motions to the Announcer, who stands beside a runway. Han, Chewie's ghost, and the Editor form the audience...
    Announcer: "First up, Scottie 2 Hottie..."
    A guy with a blonde Don King coiffure saunters down the runway.
    Announcer: "Flex your muscles, Scottie..."
    Scottie flexes. Han looks bored.
    Editor: (prodding him) "Now, Han, be nice...he brings to the party a year's supply of hair gel..."
    Han grimaces. The Editor gives him A Look.
    Han: "Oh, alright!!!"
    He goes over to Scottie, and inspects him without enthusiasm.
    Han: "Hi..."
    Scottie looks puzzled.
    Han: "Great. Say hello to him and he's stuck for an answer..."
    S2H: (whining) "I need a script..."
    Han: "Don't we all." He looks at the Editor and draws a finger over his neck. The Editor takes the hint.
    Editor: "Thanks, Scottie, we'll call you..."
    Scottie exits, still looking puzzled.
    Announcer: "And for our next candidate, here she is...you all know her from "Tomb Raider"...the web-femme with the famous top rack..."
    Lara Croft appears, wearing her trademark spandex Speedos and sleeveless top...
    Han's chin takes .0000000000000000000000000005 milliseconds to hit the ground...
    Han: "WOW!!!"
    Announcer (amused): Well, whaddyeknow, our lead approves!"
    Han: "YES!!! YES!!! YES!!!"
    Editor: "Not so fast, Solo. We have to know if she can read lines..."
    Han: "The dialogue in the NJO is so lame, who's gonna notice?"
    Editor: (firmly) "She has to be able to act...(to the Announcer) "Release her from the web--we want to ask her some questions--maybe get her to do a scene or two..."
    The Announcer releases Lara from ?Tomb Raider'. She instantly falls forward on her chest and is unable to rise. The combined efforts of Han, the Announcer and the Editor are futile--they can't budge her.
    Editor: "Well, if she can't walk upright outside of the web, she's no good to us..."
    Han: (desperately) "I don't care!!!"
    Editor: (firmly) "Next!!!"
    Han is wailing bitterly--
    Chewie: (muttering) "You weren't this upset when I died, for cripessakes!!!"
    Editor: (to the Announcer) "Now, who's next?"
    Announcer: (squinting at his notes) "Some chick named Barb Wire..."
    Han revives as if by magic...


    [This message has been edited by Zaz (edited 03-10-2000).]
  20. Thejedikiller Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 26, 1999
    star 3
    As always JF and Zaz have done ab excellant job. Keep up the good work.
  21. Darth Cerberus Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 12, 1999
    star 3
    TO THE TOP!!!!

    (that's a not so subtle reminder to post again soon)

  22. Zaz Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 11, 1998
    star 9
    Back on Yavin 4, Luke is still nursing his burnt tongue (that McDonald's hot chocolate, you know) while Jacen is being his usual objectionable self, irritating the hell out of his uncle, his brother, Corran, the standing army, the entire galaxy, and his fans from the YJK series--both of them--
    Jacen: (whining) "I don't think I want any assignment at all!"
    Corran: "I will now demonstrate how tactful I am by offering to leave..."
    Luke: "I wish you wouldn't, ?cause then I wouldn't have to say lame-o things like ?Do stay.' What is this, Jane Austen?"
    Corran: (shrugging) "Dunno. Why don't you beat the crap out of that stupid kid? He deserves it! The galaxy's in mortal danger and he wants to argue about philosophy!!!"
    Luke: (sighing) "Gawd, I'd love to. No can do, however. Believe it or not, he's supposed to be a major character."
    Corran: "You're kidding, right..?"
    Luke: "I'm not. Why do you think the NJO is set six years after VOTF instead of immediately after it?"
    Corran: "No clue..."
    Luke: ""Cause the kids are older. Sole and only reason. Del Rey wants to do a ?Next Generation' bit..."
    Corran: "What, with Wesley Crusher as an awful example?"
    Luke: "Yeah, I know. And the joke is, they keep slamming Star Trek at every opportunity, even while they rip it off relentlessly..."
    Jacen: (whining some more) "Don't mention that name!"
    Luke and Corran finally agree on something: (in stereo) "Shut up!"
    Corran: (to Luke) "We're being superseded by this sorry bunch?"
    Luke: (to himself) "We?"
    Corran: "How are they going to make these kids appealing? They start at the top and have every advantage, including the Force. That's not the classic Joseph Campbell heroic pattern..."
    Luke: (annoyed) "I know that! So far the DROs haven't solved the problem..."
    Jacen: (pouting) "Are you saying I'm not appealing?"
    Luke: "Yes, Jacen."
    Jacen: "That's an insult, right?"
    Luke: (patiently) "That's right..."
    Jacen: "Does the Force allow me to be offended...?"
    Luke: "If you had a personality, Jacen, you could be offended. Since you don't, just belt up, would you?"
    Jacen: (sulkily) "I wanna be a hermit!"
    Corran (to Luke): "Let him. At least if he's alone, he can't bore anyone but himself to death..."
    Luke: (sighing) "No such luck. The Del Rey Overlords have decreed that he has to bore multitudes throughout several books...they think the core audience is twelve years old and will identify with him, believe it or not...."
    Corran: "He's too stupid even for that..."
    Luke: "I'm not arguing with you. A first."
    Corran: (hopefully) "Well, maybe we'll be lucky and he'll be the apprentice to bite it in "Balance Point"...
    Luke: (to himself again) "We?"
    Jacen: (to himself) "...I'd like a nice, clean grotto to live in...with daily maid service, of course...and with a pool of that primordial spring water nearby...if things get tough, I can always bottle it..."
    Corran: (to Luke) "Look, the Editor's gone for a coffee. Now's our chance. I'll hold down one of his fingers while you beat the rest of him up..."
    Luke: "And when I'm finished doing all the work, you'll take all the credit...?"
    Corran: "Of course, unless it's unpopular."
    Luke: "Oh...okay."



    [This message has been edited by Zaz (edited 03-15-2000).]
  23. Zaz Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 11, 1998
    star 9
    Corran now gets a scene with his son, Valin. Corran has thoughtfully chained the kid to the ground to make sure he doesn't run for the hills...
    Corran: "Hiya, Valin..."
    Valin: (muttering) "Whatever..."
    Corran (looking around) "Where's your mother and that sister you're supposed to have?"
    Valin: "There should be a scene with them here, but Del Rey's trying save money, remember? Gotta keep that page count down, so they're only mentioned in passing..."
    Corran: "Oh, well, who cares? It's not as though your mom has any personality of her own, anyway--she's always been just a cheap rip-off of Mara Jade...and Jysella's just a rumor..."
    Valin: (shrugging) "So far..."
    Corran: "Now, you and I are supposed to have a scene here to show what a sensitive, caring dad I am..."
    Valin makes a snorting noise...
    Corran: "What was that?"
    Valin: (airily) "Nothing..."
    At this juncture, some Jedi guy dressed in black and blue and wearing a lame goatee makes his entrance. From the description in the book, he sounds unbearably twee...
    Corran: (with his talent for the obvious) "Gunner!"
    Gunner: "Who thought up my name? Sheesh!"
    Corran: "Well, I know it's stupid, but it beats your appearance..."
    Gunner: "I love you too, shorty..."
    Corran: "Just remember, I'm in charge here..."
    Valin and Gunner makes snorting noises in stereo...
    Corran: "Is this allergy season...?"
    Valin: "Nope."
    Gunner: "Where are we going, anyway?"
    Luke: (who has just happened by) "You're going to a planet called Bimm-meal...mmm, yummy..."
    Gunner: "Why?"
    Luke: "Don't ask me. Supposedly, with disaster overtaking the galaxy, and a full-scale alien invasion taking place, I decide to send you two to some obscure planet on the off-chance that the Pong might be there....and to rescue some academics that might be in trouble. D'oh! Millions of lives are threatened, but you know how useful PhDs in xenoarcheology are for beating back aliens! Does this make any logical sense to you?"
    Corran: "No. If they're invading, what can two Jedi do about it? And if we tell you they're invading, what can you do about it with only a hundred Jedi and no military support...?"
    Luke: "Nothing, but Stackpole plots never make any sense anyway. Guess he wants to split all the characters up for separate chapters...it's the one Bantam tradition they kept..."
    Gunner: "There's probably an egregious coincidence we need to connect with in there somewhere..."
    Luke and Corran nod, rolling their eyes...
    Corran: (to Luke) "Why are you sending Ganner and me there? So that his arrogance can be worn away by his eventual admiration for me?"
    Luke: "Nope..."
    Gunner: (to Luke) "So that Corran's obnoxiousness can be tempered by his teamwork with me?"
    Luke: "Nah..."
    Gunner and Corran: "What, then?"
    Luke: "?Cause you both bug the hell outta me and I wanna get you out of my hair for awhile..."
    Valin: "Makes sense to ME..."


    [This message has been edited by Zaz (edited 03-23-2000).]
  24. Subject Zero Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 13, 2000
    star 2
    I need a Mpeg to AVI encoder.

    Anyone know where I can get one? Then I can make my first saber test!!!

    SZ
  25. Darth Cerberus Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 12, 1999
    star 3
    PAGE 5?
    NEVER!
    BACK TO THE TOP WITH YOU!
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