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Onslaught humorous version (spoilers, of course)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by Opie Wan Cannoli, Feb 1, 2000.

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  1. Nathan PTH

    Nathan PTH Jedi Padawan star 4

    Mar 11, 2000
    <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Geneva,Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Subject Zero:
    I need a Mpeg to AVI encoder.

    Anyone know where I can get one? Then I can make my first saber test!!!


    You can always upgrade QT4 to QT4 pro. Import the MPEG, then export as AVI.

    Or is that not what you're needing? I'm tired as hell...

    --Nathan Butler

  2. Zayn

    Zayn Jedi Youngling star 3

    Aug 1, 1999
    QT4 pro says that it doesn't understand mpg
  3. Azeem

    Azeem TFN Staff, Manager Emeritus star 4 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Apr 12, 1999
    One thing about MPEG compression, it does NOT play well with others. I really don't know how to help on this problem. I have never been able to get MPEG to change formats.

    TFN FanFilms
  4. TTL Droid

    TTL Droid Jedi Youngling

    Jul 21, 1999
    I always use Ulead Video Studio to change formats.
  5. Zayn

    Zayn Jedi Youngling star 3

    Aug 1, 1999
    How do you do it though ulead w/o it takeing up so much space???
  6. Happy Ninja

    Happy Ninja Jedi Knight star 6

    Mar 20, 2000
    What about doing it through Adobe Premiere?
  7. Subject Zero

    Subject Zero Jedi Youngling star 2

    Mar 13, 2000
    Nevermind everybody, my friend is using a Voodoo 3 to import the stuff and it uses some wacky encoder that Premiere cant use. Plus if captured with premiere, it looks like garbage.

    Sorry everyone, looks like I gotta buy a capture card!

  8. lokmer

    lokmer Jedi Padawan star 4

    Mar 15, 2000
    HEy,SZ, I may be able to help you out. Drop me a line
  9. Zaz

    Zaz Jedi Knight star 9

    Oct 11, 1998
    On to the next scene...Leia and Elegy have picked up Jaina and Danae Twee along the way. Given the level of female character development in the NJO, this is the literal equivalent of picking up Dull and Duller--but they gotta do something while the rest of the plot advances, don't they? So anyway, they're readying themselves to address the Council of Agamar. The point of doing this on this particular planet is not really explained, but hey, why should the plot have to make sense? I mean, Stackpole rules! So, as the scene begins, the party is being inspected by their personal stylist before they go on...
    Stylist: "Well, this is just too much!" (To Jaina) "Who told you brown was your color?"
    Jaina: (sullenly) "No one. Jedis always wear brown..."
    Stylist: "How retro--those shoulder pads! Ugh! And that silver ribbon! Too tacky for words...and lose that cape!!!"
    Jaina shrugs, rolling her eyes.
    Stylist: (inspecting Danae) "A brown dress with a green vest!!! Who was your previous stylist? Robin Hood? Elves Incorporated? Ducks Unlimited? Give me a break!!! And do something about that damn tattoo!!!"
    Danae: (fingering the ?Male Fantasy' stamp on her forehead) "You mean this?"
    Stylist: "Yes. A tattoo should make a statement..."
    Jaina: (muttering) "It makes a statement, alright..."
    Stylist: (now inspecting Leia) "Um...a wave motif?" (puts a hand over his mouth) "How....interesting, Princess. But don't you think...just a little last year?"
    Leia: (glaring) "Who says?"
    Stylist: (offended) "I'll have you know that I was the fashion consultant on "The Starfighters of Adumar."
    Leia: "Adumar?"
    Stylist: (proudly) "Yeah..."
    Leia: "Is that close to Agamar?"
    Stylist: "Hey, you've see one generic class M planet, you've seen them all...and that goes for names, as well..."
    Elegy: "Obviously..."
    Jaina: (to Leia) "This is where I do a Jacen..."
    Leia: "A Jacen?"
    Jaina: "Yeah. I whine about something stupid while the galaxy is collapsing..."
    Leia: "Oh. What do you want to whine about?"
    Jaina: "You not being a Jedi..."
    Leia: "That's so stupid..."
    Jaina: "God, yes. Especially when I could whine about something really pertinent--like my dialogue--"
    Leia: "You think I like saying lines like ?I need you with me in this chamber, being silent but strong, projecting confidence and benign power'. I mean, how am I supposed say that to a sixteen-year-old and keep a straight face? Who talks like that?"
    Jaina: "Well, nobody human..."
    Leia: "Well, thanks for that vote of confidence, kid..."
    Jaina: "Hey, Mom, I didn't mean that the way it sounded..."
    Leia: "Forget it. Just stand up straight, keep your damn mouth shut and pretend you're not wearing the tackiest jumpsuit in galaxy..."
    Jaina: "That'll take a lot of imagination..."
    Leia: (dryly) "Try hard."
    Jaina: "I'll do it--on one condition--"
    Leia: "What's that..."
    Jaina: "You don't use the word ?benign' again. Ever."
    Leia: "Deal."
    She notes Danae checking her make-up in a small hand-mirror...
    Leia: (to Jaina) "I see the bimbette is getting ready for her figure the hacks assembled her from a bunch of spare parts?"
    Jaina: "Well, nothing original was involved, that's for sure..."
    Leia: "And if anybody'd know about that, you would. What the hell do we need her for...?'
    Editor: (intoning solemnly) "All shall be revealed in time..."
    Leia: (irritated) "Oh, get stuffed..."
    Editor: (coolly) "Remember your implants, Princess...they can be activated at any time..."
    Leia grimaces, but subsides...she motions Danae forward...
    Danae: (brightly) "Hi there, strange-looking people. I'm a gorgeous and brilliant twenty-one-year-old scientist and leader-type. And if you think that's a really likely concept, just wait--a Yubyub Pong hid out in my scientific unit without me knowing about it...."
    Stooge in audience: "A Yubyub Pong?"
    Danae: (perky as hell) "Well, we all know about RAS's talent for names, don't we?'s a rip-off of the Viet Cong. You like? And if you do, just wait until you hear about the Ooglith Masquers!"
    Stooge: "What's that, a Balkan beauty treatment?"
    Danae: (chirping r
  10. Opie Wan Cannoli

    Opie Wan Cannoli Jedi Youngling star 3

    Jun 10, 1999
    Meanwhile, Mara Jade, having climbed to the camp Anakin had chosen for them on Dantoontown, was watching him stack boxes using the Force.
    "You know, you really shouldn't use the Force for such trivial things, Anakin."
    "I did it once using my own muscles, then broke camp and set it back up with the Force."
    Mara puzzled at that one, "Why ever for?"
    "For the same reason I took five cold showers a day on the trip here, Aunt Mara. You. You are the hottest woman in the EU, custom designed to give 15-year-old boys the hots, and we've spent the last four days in that little ship, alone, together- I need another cold shower!"
    "I'm glad I've still got it, then" Yeesh, and I thought Jacen was the little hornball of the two! "Let's go for a hike."
    "Great, but only if I walk ahead, Aunt Mara. Otherwise my lightsaber will get in the way"
    "Your li-, oh. Oh, I understand." Mara said as she followed Anakin toward the Dantooni settlement.

    The Dantooni, as it turns out, were busily tattooing themselves with Imperial symbols in an attempt to ward off evil spirits, and beat the Yubyub Pong at their own game (the All-Outer Rim Self-Mutilation Championships), when Mara and Anakin came up in the woods to spy on them. Anakin whispered to Mara, "I would never get a tattoo."
    "I've got one. Look." Mara exposed her hind part, and by the technique of frantically stuffing ice cubes down his pants, Anakin could read;

    The Original
    Instructions for copying ;
    1. Choose red hair OR green eyes, NOT BOTH!
    2. Choose TWO major personality traits.
    3. Make at least one personality trait the EXACT OPPOSITE of this template.
    4. Adjust for age and occupation of character e.g. make revoltingly evil if Imperial commander; make annoyingly chatty if little girl.
    5.AUTHORS MUST NOT DEVIATE FROM THIS TEMPLATE!!! Creation of original female characters will result in loss of contract and your transmitter exploding.
    Thank you
    -Lucasfilm Licensing
  11. Zaz

    Zaz Jedi Knight star 9

    Oct 11, 1998
    [The LMMs strike again!]
  12. Zaz

    Zaz Jedi Knight star 9

    Oct 11, 1998
    Next stop, the yummy planet of Bim-meal (where do they come up with these names?) where Corran and Gunner have landed....
    Corran: (to Gunner) "What are you doing?"
    Gunner: "I'm trimming my beard..."
    Corran: "The galaxy is being invaded by voracious evil aliens and you're trimming your beard? What's next? Going to paint your fingernails black ?n blue to match your robes? Get your nose pierced? Dye your hair pink?"
    Gunner: "Look, it makes absolutely as much sense as us searching for lost scientists in the middle of said alien invasion..."
    Corran: (reasonably) "If we don't travel to Bim-meal, we can't discover the egregious coincidence on which the plots turns. I mean, whaddaya want? Logic?".
    Gunner: (suitably chastened) "Oh...of course not..."
    Corran: "Then quit whining, already. What's next...? Why didn't we land closer to the scientific encampment?"
    Gunner: "After the road trip, the action scene..."
    Corran: (suspiciously) "The action scene?"
    Gunner: (smiling) "Yeah."
    Corran: "Okay, hotshot. Any life-forms around?"
    Gunner: (airily) "Just small ones..."
    Corran: "Okey-doke. Let's go."
    Corran jumps out of the ship into the arms of a huge feral clawed predator...
    Corran: (to Gunner) "This is small?"
    Gunner: (casually) "Oops."
    Huge Feral Clawed Predator: (to Corran) "Hold still, willya? I gotta scratch you without damaging the merchandise..."
    Corran: (to HFCP): "And if you'll hold still, I'll just kill you with my lightsabre..."
    HFCP: (sighing) "Just what I needed today, a short, middle-aged Jedi with an attitude..."
  13. Zaz

    Zaz Jedi Knight star 9

    Oct 11, 1998
    Elsewhere, Jacen and Luke are approaching the Core planet of the NJO, the accurately named Bilkdafans.
    Luke: (though he knows this question is the height of optimism) "So, Jacen, are you thinking anything?"
    Jacen: "Yeah. I'm thinking I'm so right about everything, and you're so wrong..."
    Luke: (sighing) "Something tells me I must be in a Stackpole book..."

  14. RebelMom

    RebelMom Jedi Knight star 6

    Apr 20, 2000
    Funny tongue.gif
  15. Zaz

    Zaz Jedi Knight star 9

    Oct 11, 1998
    The last time Luke had seen Bilkdafans, it had been blasted by beetles, or gravity wells, or something-or-other, it's a bit hard to remember. The atmosphere had been destroyed, so Luke was thoroughly surprised, upon landing, to find that the planet appeared to be normal. Well, sort of normal. The first sight that met his eyes was a large sign which read "HONEST AL'S NURSERIES: WE GROW IT ALL!!" There was also a red banner emblazoned with the words "SPRING SALE!!!!" Standing in front of the sign was a rather flea-bitten-looking Jawa, wearing a name tag and an eager expression...
    Jawa: (in Jawan) "Good day, honored sirs!"
    Luke: (cautiously) "Uh...good day...who are you...?"
    Jawa: (brightly) "I'm Honest can I help you?"
    Luke: (still cautious) "Um...we'd like to see the nurseries..."
    Honest Al: "Of course! Just follow me....!"
    Jacen: (to Luke) "How come they're so eager to show us everything? And why the Jawa?"
    Luke: (muttering) "Dunno..."
    Honest Al: (chattily) "Now, over here we're growing bedrooms can your choice of colors, and we have several different styles...High Corsucant, Outer Rim Rustic, Ord Mandell Modern and several others... we have a great sale on right now, too...twenty per cent off!"
    Luke: "Oh..."
    Honest Al: "Now over here, we're growing a wide selection of lamps...floor lamps, reading lamps, glow lamps, table lamps..."
    Luke: "Ah...really?"
    Honest Al: "Yes...and in this section, we're growing bathroom fixtures, sinks, tubs, showers, bidets, and of course, commodes..."
    Jacen: (interested) "I'll need one those for my hermit's cave. You got anything in lime enamel?"
    Honest Al: "Not in progress, but I can write up an order for you, and we'll plant one immediately..."
    He scurries off.
    Jacen: "The prices here are great..." He sees Luke looking him. "What?"
    Luke: "You want Yubyub Pong to grow a lime green commode for you?"
    Jacen: (thoughtfully studying the brochure) "Maybe you're right...Corellian Cobalt would probably be better..."
    Honest Al scurries back, smiling...
    "We've already planted it. The turnaround is a week or so....our labor is slave, um, excuse me, I mean non-voluntary. That means a lot of spoilage, but we guarantee delivery and price..."
    Jacen: "Good."
    Honest Al: (hopefully) "We also have a great line in throw-pillows, bed linens and curtains. We grow them fast--we have a complete selection of colors, too. And absolutely biodegradable, I need hardly say...."
    Luke: (casually) "Um...what about space ships...?"
    Honest Al: "Do we have space ships, the man asks! Of course we have space ships, come with me!"
  16. JadedBlade

    JadedBlade Jedi Youngling star 1

    May 15, 2000
    OOOhhhh... LOL. TOPSIES!
  17. I love Sci Fi

    I love Sci Fi Jedi Master star 4

    Jan 21, 2000
    *Sorry but I can't resist adding this.*

    Luke: mmmmmm good we will need lots of space ships I....&lt;coughs&gt;have a tendance to crash them as do the other Jedi What kind of deel can you offer us on say.....ahh 1000000000? Oh and please don't tell the insurance company they have a thing against non-volenteer organizations. Something about to many accidents they have to insure. But I don't think they will mind. I am there biggest claim holder.
  18. Opie Wan Cannoli

    Opie Wan Cannoli Jedi Youngling star 3

    Jun 10, 1999
    Meanwhile, back on Dantoontown, a very large, very muscular creature was coming toward a now very repressed Anakin Solo.
    "Aunt Mara, do you have any shiny trinkets?"
    "Good thinking, Anakin. Primitive people like shiny trinkets."
    "Who said I was primitive?", the Dantooni asked in a very refined English accent.
    "He sounds just like Obi-"
    "Shut up Anakin." Mara turned toward the Dantooni, "Mara Jade. Pleased to meet you."
    She removed something shiny and handed it off to Anakin before shaking hands with the Dantooni, "And this is my- slightly- younger brother, Anakin."
    "Aunt Mara, what am I supposed to do with your wed-"
    "Ixnay on the edding ring-way!", Mara said in a loud whisper.
    Anakin turned around and said to the gathered crowd and said, "What's wrong with this planet?"
    And a crowd of young female Dantari rushed up to him and ....
  19. Supreme Chancellor Thrawn

    Supreme Chancellor Thrawn Jedi Youngling star 3

    Oct 8, 1999
    Bwahahaha to the top!
  20. jrichard

    jrichard Jedi Youngling

    Jun 19, 2000
    In case you didn?t know, this is the same Jay as the one who?s writing that NJO spoof.
    The story is complete, all 138 Word97 pages of it, and I?m working on the website for it now.
    Because I borrowed some sections from other authors at both this thread and the other two NJO humorous version threads, and I included them in the "Authors" list.
    I?m planning on adding them to an ?About Us? section, in which there's some basic information about the Authors.
    It?s nothing major, just basically this:

    Real name:
    Sex: [If I get another one w/ a ?Yes Please?...!]
    Hair color/Eye color:
    [Your] Clubs & Websites
    Misc. Links:
    Contact me here:

    You can leave any of these blank, or you can even tell me you don?t want to be listed as an author.
    The people I need to get forms like this (filled out, obviously) from are below:

    Jade?s Fire
    Dev Sibwarra
    Cigam Retah
    Maul Brady
    Mara Jade
    Bror Jace
    Lost in Coruscant

    You can send your (complete) forms here:
    The site will be finished in July the latest.


    [This message has been edited by jrichard (edited 06-19-2000).]
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