Saga Padme's Clone War Journal: Entry #4 May 28 2005

This is going to be a thread of short, viggie styled Padme Journal entries. I guess you could consider it a story over all.

But, the point is, when i get a bunny, I can write a small unorganized entry journal.

Yes, I said Unorganized. I am just imagining Padme sitting at desk, pouring her heart out on paper. So there is obviously a bit of rambling, and jumping back and forth to different subjects.

The first entry is kind of simple, but there will be more to come. By the way, this is Darksideyesplease, but I'd rather post this under this name, for obvious reasons I think.

It might jump from Day 50 to Day 10, or from Day 10 to Day 250, just depends on what I feel like writing and updating, so this could span any of the three years of the Clone Wars, I think I have plenty of material, so let's get started with a shortie and see how this is going to work out.

Entry #1

Day 35 of the Clones Wars

Dear Journal,


Padme here again.

Anakin has been gone a month. I miss him so. I?ve seen him for less than one day as a married woman. It isn?t right. Why did this War have to happen now? Right as my life felt complete again.

Oh Gosh, I can still remember when Jar Jar told me that the Jedi?s had arrived. At first I didn?t want Jedi protection, I knew it would interfere with my work, but when the Chancellor suggested that Obi Wan and his Padawan be my protectors, my heart certainly did skip a beat. Unless I had not heard, Ani was still alive, still under the tutelage of Obi Wan Kenobi. I was a bit tentative to ask Master Windu who Obi Wan?s apprentice was, so I just went on my way with hope.

Then I saw him. I wanted so badly to just give him a great big hug after all these years, but that wouldn?t have been very professional of me. Especially at the time, when I had no idea Anakin felt just as strong, if not stronger than I did. So, I just decided I would play hard to get.

First ignoring him a little, just to get under his skin to try to make him work even harder. Then I slowly opened up to him, too much really. That?s when I couldn?t control my heart anymore.

Just sitting here, writing this down reminds me I haven?t received word on his well being in almost two weeks. Each and every day that passes is pure torture. He could contact me right now, and tell me he is fine. As soon as the communication ends, my worry will start all over again.

I know what it is to be in love. It doesn?t feel that good sometimes. I had always heard my sisters, cousins, and mother talk about love as if it was something that should be fought for. That it should be appreciated and cherished.

But it?s hard loving a Jedi. Just as I?m sure it?s hard for him to love a politician. Sometimes I don?t know how this is all going to work out. Our relationship is still so new to me, yet we can?t grow on any of it. I barely know him, yet it feels like I've known him forever. I can?t even get use to his annoying habits. Oh, how I wish I had some annoying habits to drive me up the wall, as I awoke every morning. Like the one morning I awoke with him by my side. The night after our wedding of course.

Although it was only one night, I can still remember his touch. The way his sweaty hair felt as I ran my hands through it. The way he lustfully looked at me, all night long. The care and compassion I felt and I know he felt as well. Now he?s out somewhere killing. Killing droids or Sith or something. Oh, it?s all so frustrating.

Why did this have to happen now? Dreadful War! Or that?s what 3PO says anyway. I think it?s more than dreadful. I think it?s cruel and inhumane. But then again, what do I know, I?m just a Senator. Right?

 

good sart....more of this should come at near daily intervals...for padme imean...not u...although both would be cool...

 

Entry #2

Day 36 of the Clone War

My hope has been fulfilled. Anakin finally made contact with me tonight Journal.
Oops, I forgot to say, Dear Journal didn?t I? Oh well, I?m just so excited.

I was able to talk with him via hologram for almost ten minutes. At first I was so excited the hear from him. Then about half way through the conversation, I scolded him for waiting so long.

It truly isn?t his fault. He said he and Obi Wan were held captive and had to escape. That really didn?t make me feel any better though. What if it happens again and again, until one day I never hear from him?

Oh, this War just started yet it feels like an eternity. I knew it, I already am fearful for him again. As soon as he cut out his signal he probably had to go right back into some sort of fight. If I know Obi Wan, I know he won?t let Anakin linger for too long.

All this excitement has just about made me forget the dreadful day in Congress. I woke up feeling fine, ready to have a good day. Then I ran into Chancellor Palpatine. I admit I liked him better when he was a Senator. He just seems like some sort of snake you?d find in a tropical jungle.

Only thing is he makes my spine sliver like the snake. I can?t explain it, but when I?m around him, I always find myself saying, ?I?ve got a bad feeling about this.? But I think Palpatine inspires a lot of people to say that.

Sometimes I actually think he could have been behind the whole thing on Naboo. I mean for the job the incompetent Trade Federation did, it was impressive by there standards. Evidence of what they knew certainly pointed to an insider giving away Naboo?s secrets. Our secrets were the only thing that kept us safe for many years. I love Naboo for it?s peace. Not like the Galaxies Capital, where I sit right now, there is no peace.

There is no peace between Senator?s, governors, not even between the Jedi themselves it seems. I couldn?t believe how bad of a fight I saw as I walked past the Jedi Temple today. It looked to me as a Padawan was fist fighting his own Master. I was shocked, the pressures of the War are already getting to people?s nerves. I just hope Anakin can keep his wits about him.

Ah, listen to me. Talking about ?my? day and I turn it into something else about Anakin. But, he?s just so dreamy?.handsome?.and sexy. Jedi tunic preferably.... off.

Oh I wish I could just call him now, anytime, and just talk to him for hours. Like a little girl in her bedroom giggling. Not that I would know. Not much of a normal childhood I had. While other girls my age were doing that exact thing, talking to there crushes at ridiculous times through the night, while their parents slept. Look at me, I was breaking into my own Palace.

Ok, I will quit complaining now. No, wait a minute! This is my journal, this is where I am suppose to complain. Okay, I?m tired, I?m delirious. Maybe I just need to get some sleep. But if I go lay in the bed, then I?m going to wish Anakin was there, and by wishing he was there, I am going to have to think about him, then I?ll think about everything I?ve just wrote down, and then I?ll never get to sleep. So what?s the use of trying. I?m just a Senator. Right?

 

Padme's pain at being away from her husband and her fears for his safety come through so well in this. Also interesting how she believes her position as a Senator dictates that she shouldn't have, or at least not express, emotions.

 

This is so cute! I love it post more soon?

 

I like this idea a lot In fact, it reminds me of a project I have worked on before, and am trying to start up again....The Notes, which are similar to your journal entries here, except they take two people, and they are letters between characters...same sort of thing. Discussion, questions, relating events...all kinds of things.

Anyway, your story makes me happy. I am glad to see Padme reflecting her thoughts, connecting ideas about Palpatine possibly being behind the whole thing....I liked how she missed her husband.

Good job so far

 

son-of-kenobi - Thanks, and I will try to go in order as much as possible, but I will most likely do some jumping around as far as the days go, obviously there are some events I'd rather talk about, and don't happen on succeeding days. but I can always come back and fill in a day or something.

Also I will take requests, and it doesn't really have to be in the Clone Wars, just give me time period for her to write about, and I'll try my best and post it on this thread.


Gina - yea, the whole senator thing is going to be like her calling card i think. seems kinda cute to end it with that little sentence and she definately feels she has to act different in her professional arena, that she can't always be herself, but who can? And all she can do is sit down and worry about Anakin, she can't tell anyone, so she has to exprss her feelings somehow, hence a journal.

Moons_of_Iego_angel7 - Always try to post ASAP, thanks for the read and reply.

LukeSkywalker_2001 - glad it could remind you of such a fond thing you've gone. and thanks for the compliments on the story.

 

This is great! Yes, Anakin without his Jedi tunic... very nice indeed.

 

Entry #3

Day 451 of the Clone War

Dear Journal,

Sorry I haven?t written to you in the last three days. But I?ve been with my Ani. He left again this afternoon. I dreaded seeing him leave. A few people went to wish him and Obi Wan off, but I couldn?t go. Congress of course. But it was probably best I couldn?t go. Obi Wan and Master Windu saw us two days ago as we spoke in public. I didn?t think we gave anything away, but apparently Ani thought different. He the first to notice his Masters. I think I had been holding his hand.

I can?t really remember, but he said I was. Apparently they caught a glimpse of that. Err. It just frustrates me so much. We can be so sweet with one another when we are alone, but as soon as we step out in public, we can?t do anything but seem like mere acquaintances. I would leave the Senate if I thought it would make it any easier on us. But it?s the Council we have to worry about.

He?s just too important to the Republic, he can?t stop. He can?t stop being a Jedi, even though somewhere in my heart I wish he would. Not only do I want to be with him this very second, but forever. What if he was killed? Oh, I couldn?t bare it. What would I do? I can?t think like that. Last time I had these feelings I nearly fainted from loss of breath.

Anakin is letting his hair get longer. I hadn?t seen him in three months; it?s much thicker, and well? sexier.

I couldn?t believe that boy though. When he came to my apartment three nights ago, his face was bleeding. He had refused to see a medial staff that night before he arrived. It is a horrible cut. It travels above his right eye, and below it, almost making a line. I had to doctor it myself. He took off his ****, and crossed his arms over his chest, while I sat in a chair next to the bed, and I healed my Jedi.

I could barely stand to look at the cut, which is soon to become a scar. But, I must admit it made me feel so special to get to take care of him. To be able to do something for him. It really made me feel like a wife again.

Of course later he reminded me what it was like to be a woman as well, but you don?t want to hear about that, now do you Journal? Thought not.

I was able to secure the next day off from Congress, I sent Jar Jar in my stead. We spent half the morning in bed together. Curled up with each other. We listened to some soft music for a while. We kissed and tickled and played. Then he had to go, go back to the Temple to check in. I was so happy when he was only gone a little over an hour.

We had lunch, but I wasn?t hungry, all I wanted to do the entire time we ate at the table was stare at him. I think he was a bit embarrassed by his cut. I know he had enjoyed me treating him like a big baby and taking care of him the night before, but then I felt his pride had been wounded.

He wouldn?t tell me how he got the cut, but I knew a lightsaber slash when I saw one. At least this time he didn?t lose another limb. Oh, that was bad; I shouldn?t make jokes like that. I?m awful.

Tonight of course, as I said, he left me again. Who knows how long he will be gone this time. I already miss him sorely. Sometimes when he is gone for a long time, I can almost live day to day. But when he comes back and leaves me again, it?s unbearable. It?s so hard to breathe right now. It hurts my chest, it makes my heart icy cold. I can feel it right now as I write to you Journal. It feels my frame would shatter at the slightest touch.

Maybe in a few weeks, the pain will slowly subside, until he comes back for another short visit, and I must bear the torture of watching him leave again. Oh, what?s a Senator to do!

 

Aww, you can really tell that Padme misses him. Looking forward to more.

 

Entry #4

Day 980 of the Clone War

Dear Journal,



There are whispers of his death. I cannot believe it. I will not believe it. I absolutely refuse too. He has to come back to me. He just has too. I don?t think I could live without him. He?s been gone for so long. I haven?t heard from him in a month.

He is dead isn?t he? I don?t want to believe it but every second that goes by, the probability grows. As it grows it consumes me. If there was anything I could do to save him, I wish the Force could tell me now. I would give my life for his. I know he wouldn?t appreciate that very much, but I would do it in a second.

Everyone looks to me. The people from Naboo, my fellow Senator?s, even the Jedi Council expects nothing but the strongest leadership from me. I don?t know how much longer I can do it.

They look to me as if I am some hero, some moral statue that should be bowed down to at times. I hate that. It?s not me. Why doesn?t anyone understand, I am not special. No matter how much Anakin tells me that I am. I know I am just a normal person. I feel, I sleep, I hurt, just as anyone does.

If being a Senator wasn?t enough, being a wife with a husband at war, makes everything that much more complicated. Not to mention I?m five months pregnant. Now it will never meet its father. I fear in my heart so much, that he will never return. I pray to the Gods and the force every night, but it does little good. I hurt worse everyday, and he never calls, he never comes home.

As I write this now, I am praying. Praying that somehow everyone is wrong. That I am wrong! That Anakin Skywalker, my husband is alive and that I will see him once more. That?s all I ask, to see my husband one final time in this life. I beg of everything, everything holy in our Galaxy.

Then my fear turns greater, that this wish won?t be upheld. It is only one request. All I ask for is Anakin. No end of the war, no democracy, no peace. Just Anakin, that?s all I can ask of the Gods, I only can hope they will oblige me one last time.

 

Aww, poor Padme. Great post!

 

aww that was so sad, poor Padme...

love the story (is that the right word for this?)

 

FelsGoddess - Thanks for the replies and ups Fels, glad you like the entries.

Moons_of_Iego_angel7[/b - I don't know if you would call it a story, I consider it an unorganized collection of Vignette's in journal style form.

if that makes any sense, which it probably doesn't, since i'm off my rocker.

 

good job of portraying emotions and feelings that Padme would have in this situation

 

Hey, I can't handle all this Active Topic Notification stuff in my e-mail...takes too much time to sort through it all, and I'm trying to do my own fic project. Could you PM me when you update this story? Thanks.