Saga Palpatine's Mustafar Vacation (Vader, Palpatine/Humor)

Palpatine's Mustafar Vacation

Title: Palpatine's Mustafar Vacation
Author: CherryLightsaber
Timeframe: 5 months before ANH
Characters: Vader, Palpatine
Genre: Humor
Keywords: Empire, officers
Summary: Palpatine takes the worst Empire Day vacation ever; a trip to the volcanic world of Mustafar. Vader must suffer the consequences.

I do not own Star Wars. GL does.

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Darth Vader dreaded the sight of Mustafar. Sure, the internal cooling units built into his suit kept his mangled forehead, back, and underarms free of sweat (he wasn't quite sure if he could even do that anymore), but it brought back memories.

"I hate lava," he finally declared.

His master, the great Emperor Palpatine, glared at him from his beach chair/throne. "Lord Vader, I would appreciate it if you kept quiet. You are interrupting the wondrous hissing and spitting and roaring of the lava."

[i]Master, you hiss and spit and roar all the time.[/i] Vader thought.

"Precisely," Palpatine said.

Vader allowed himself a slight groan. He recalled his vicious duel with Obi-Wan Kenobi that resulted in the dismemberment of most of his living limbs. Perhaps he should have just pushed that stupid Jedi Master into the lava.

This Empire Day vacation couldn't get any worse. A day earlier, when this torture began, his master made him convert the old Separatist stronghold into a luxurious private villa. Vader contracted the famous interior designer Neslo Ecadnac to assist him.

Vader scanned the area for a Mustafarian to strangle to death. There were none.

[i]WH-BOOM[/i]

"Ah, the splendor of a volcanic eruption," Palpatine commented. "Tarkin? Tarkin get here immediately! Bring a holocam!"

Grand Moff Tarkin ran out of the villa with the holocam moments later.

Palpatine turned his beach chair/throne around. "Lord Vader, come in closer to me. Tarkin, do you have both of us?"

"Yes, my Lord."

"Good. Now take the still!"
Tarkin quickly pressed the "still" button on the holocam. "Would you like to see the still, my Lord?"

"Of course. Bring it here," Palpatine ordered, motioning with his gnarled fingers. When Tarkin showed the still to him, he scratched his chin analytically. "Wonderful. Of course I look as stunning as ever..."

[i]Stunning as in hideous,[/i] Vader thought.

"As for you, Lord Vader, you look quite grouchy. Perhaps you should smile more often-wait, you can't do that anymore. That helmet should have facial configurations. Dismissed, Tarkin."

The Grand Moff bowed and walked away.

"Lord Vader."

"Yes, my master?"

"I heard that thought about me."

If Vader could gulp, he would. He slowly backed away from the Emperor as he stood up and held his hands out.

[i]Zzaaap[/i]

---

"So, Lord Vader," Palpatine said, "what have we learned on this fine vacation?"

"Never think about insulting the Emperor."

Palpatine grinned, his melted face sagging. "Good." He sat down in his beach chair/throne and turned it toward the flows of lava. "Bring a discplayer with 'Sinfonia Concertante, K.364' in it."

Now the Emperor was being just plain lazy. Darth Vader, the Emperor's mailed fist, Dooku's successor, that crazy (and ugly) Zabrak's inheritor, reduced to an errand boy.

[i]Shadday Potkin,[/i] he cursed to himself.[i] [/i]With no other choice, Vader stiffly turned around and walked into the villa. He rummaged through the entertainment room, the former Separatist meeting room and found the discplayer and the appropriate music.

"I have found the things you require, master," he said as he approached Palpatine.

"Play it."

Sighing, Vader inserted the disc into the player and pressed "play". Before his master spoke again, he turned up the volume to its highest setting.

"Don't you enjoy the works of Trazom?"

Vader didn't want to reply.

[i]WH-BOOM WH-BOOM[/i]

Two volcanoes erupted in perfect timing with the music. Vader glanced at Palpatine; he was flicking his hand all over the place like an orchestra's conductor. He was using the Force to conduct an orchestra of volcanoes.

[i]Great.[/i] Vader desper

 

Tarkin quickly pressed the "still" button on the holocam. "Would you like to see the still, my Lord?"

"Of course. Bring it here," Palpatine ordered, motioning with his gnarled fingers. When Tarkin showed the still to him, he scratched his chin analytically. "Wonderful. Of course I look as stunning as ever..."

That'll probably be his holiday card photo. LOL!!

"As for you, Lord Vader, you look quite grouchy. Perhaps you should smile more often-wait, you can't do that anymore. That helmet should have facial configurations.

Ouch!!

This was hilarious!!

 

How typical of Palpatine to torture Vader in every way possible.

Great job on this

 

Hysterical!! If this is made into a video, it's sure to get a lot of hits!

 

Hee!! This was great, CherryLightsaber!

Palpatine is deliciously cruel!! Is it wrong that I love him like that???