Discussion in 'Fan Fiction and Writing Resource' started by RK_Striker_JK_5, Dec 26, 2006.
Okay, with no objections I'll make the corrections and post it sometime tonight.
I'll chexck that out.
None here, Charles.
Will get out PMs tomorrow
All right, I'm thinking I'll probably hit Hapes, Teneniel getting sicker/possibly dying. And Jacen's arrival. Anything else?
Its been long enough since we've seen them, I think a big Jacen/Tenel Ka post would be great right now. It probably is time to throw the problem of Hapan succession into question. If TK does become queen, at least no one can make her marry anyone she doesn't want to- even though she still might not be able to pick Jacen. I know we have our way around that, but it will be a good problem for them to deal with.
Its also best if Jacen's there to help her when her mother dies, like he should have been in profic.
Can't wait to see what you come up with Jon.
Sorry about this. *Sigh* I had a bad schedule at work and my muses are silent, although they're starting to murmur. I'm planning Teneniel's death, Jacen arriving and a big teary-eyed scene between him and Tenel ka.
And yeah, lol. Remmis the Aragorn, I like that.
All right. Here's what I got so far. DRL has been kicking me in the ribcage this week. And last week for that matter, too. *Sigh* Sorry!
Here we go!
Tenel Ka ran down the halls of the Fountain Palace, boots clattering on the tile floor. Lusa was the only one in sight as she put everything into her legs, quickly outdistancing the guards.
She came to the end of the corridor and the doors telekinetically slammed open in her wake, allowing her entrance to her mother?s bedchamber. She wandered over to the four-post bed, dropping to her knees besides Isolder. ?How is she?? she asked, eyes wide and bright she beheld her mother.
Gone was Teneniel Djo, Dathomirian Witch and Warrior Queen of the Hapes Consortium. Her face was pale and covered with sweat, while gaunt hands clawed at the air. Court physicians hovered in the background, their half-covered faces stern. ?Coming? they are coming,? she mumbled, eyes bleary. They focused for a second on Tenel Ka and cracked lips formed a smile. ?Be strong, my child. He will be here for you.?
Lusa finally entered, followed by Remmis and Ta?a Chume. The older man walked forward, dropping to one knee. ?Milady,? he choked out.
Tenel Ka and Isolder rose and stepped aside as Lusa walked forward. She held up her hands and let them drift over Teneniel?s prone form. Her eyes half-closed as she sought out the poison? only to find it throughout her body. I? I can?t do anything,? she admitted, letting her hands drop to the side. She turned her head to Tenel Ka and let tears fall. ?I?m sorry-I?m so, so sorry.?
Tenel Ka shook her head. ?No? I-?
Teneniel coughed and reached out, grabbing Tenel Ka?s hand and holding on tightly. ?Be?. Strong,? she gasped out. ?Beware the-? she began coughing, the motion turning into convulsions. Her breath rattled in her throat.
?Mother?? Tenel Ka asked, her voice leaden. She stumbled a bit as Isolder and Remmis grabbed her shoulders and pulled her away.
Teneniel?s presence in the Force ebbed, winking out as her body lay still. Lusa reached over and closed her eyes. ?I?m so sorry,? she whispered. She turned her head and glared at Ta?a Chume. ?This is the same type of poison I purged from Remmis a few weeks ago. And we all-?
?Hush, child,? Ta?a Chume sneered out, ?else you find yourself locked away for slander and treason. I am still royalty here.? She bowed to Tenel Ka. ?My child, I?m so sorry for your loss. Perhaps you can find solace in-?
?Mother?? Isolder interrupted.
Ta?a Chume?s lips twitched as she regarded her son. ?Yes??
?Shut up.? He walked around and hugged his daughter, eyes red from crying. ?You must not keep the grief in, my daughter. Please, I don?t have the Force, but-? His arms suddenly let go of Tenel Ka and he stumbled back, landing on the floor hard. He winced in pain, but his eyes widened as his daughter marched out. He jumped to his feet, hand outstretched. ?Tenel Ka, wait!?
He scrambled to his feet, but by the time he reached the hallway, Tenel Ka had vanished. He clenched his fist tight enough to draw blood before slamming it into the reinforced doorjamb, crunching bones. ?Start an investigation,? he said to Remmis, the pain in his hand focusing his resolve. ?I want to know who did this to me beloved, and now.?
Ta?a Chume stood by as the two men conferred. Now, all that is left is to make the marriage actually happen, instead of the stuff of tabloid filth. She is vulnerable? and will be mine.
Tenel Ka wandered the halls, heedless of Ta?a Chume?s scheming as her feet moved automatically, carrying her to her room. She kept close to the walls, lest she collapse from the grief kept bottled inside. She eventually left the Palace proper and made her way to the small guest house she and Lusa shared outside, near the gardens.
The door opened automatically as she approached, allowing her entry. She took twelve steps in before collapsing to the ground and hugging her knees to her chest. She continued to hold the tears in, building a wall of
Yes, I am still alive, though I've been doing a pretty terrible job of showing it these days.
All right . . .
Personally, I think Teneniel's death needs some foreshadowing it for it to be effective. Basically, we need to show Teneniel seemingly fine but just a little "off", if you know what I mean, then her significantly weaker before dropping to the ground, and finally dying. Be a good way to show how much Teneniel and Tenel Ka care for each other too. Here, it just looks like you're merely shoving the plot forward.
Also, the last bit there can be construed as Jacen confessing to Lusa, and is a bit too melodramatic, I think.
I'm not dead either, though I pretend to be sometimes.
I wouldn't mind seeing a little more setup either. Perhaps you should have a scene before the "death," where TK is reflecting on her mother's strange decline, possibly while they're talking about her anger over her prospective marriage (it could catch everyone up on what's going on at Hapes with the war too). Then show Jacen coming out of hyperspace, and some of his thoughts. If he's going to mention Jaina at all, I would give it at least a paragraph, or just let him focus on Tenel Ka.
Then, just as the Queen Mother dies, Jacen could arrive, really pissing Ta' a' Chume off, and making a big stink. TK could then do something dramatic like taking the crown from her mother's head, and tell her grand mother off, as she either takes the throne herself or gives it to her uncle.
At least I thought that was what she was going to eventually do. I think in the short term she should take it herself, then later abdicate to be with Jacen. This way you could also have a very confused Jacen having to support her as Queen Mother, even though he kind of showed up to elope.
Thats all my take, so take with salt, tequila or anything else necessary. I think this will be the most important Jacen/Tenel Ka scene in this book, so it really needs to be all out.
okay, off to make trouble elsewhere, and the battery on my laptop is almost out
Mac, Alex, I am rewriting me scene to match up with your suggestions. Unfortunately, schedule changes are basically zapping all my free time. Hopefully, by the end of the week, I can have something up. Sorry, all!
Okay, this was legit emotionally draining for me... and probaly still sucks. Please dissect like a Decepticon dissecting a Vong squadron.
Here we go!
Tenel Ka turned on her heel, pacing back and forth in a small waiting room adjacent to the Consortium?s Senate Chambers. ?Mother has support of Gallinore, Charubah and most of the Rifle Worlds,? she muttered, ?but she still has opposition from several key senators. Why?? She paused and turned to the other two occupants of the room. ?What??
Lusa swallowed and seemed to shrink slightly. ?Nothing, nothing?? She sighed. ?Okay, something.? She rose on all four legs and walked over, her hooves muffles by the deep carpet. ?Sit down,? she said, stopping in front of Tenel Ka?s path. ?Honestly, you?re going to dig a trench to Hapes? core at this rate!?
A chuckle came from the side, prompting Tenel Ka and Lusa to look to the third occupant of the room. ?Something to add, Granduncle?? Tenel Ka asked, arching an eyebrow.
Remmis shook his head and waved her off as he leaned against the wall. ?No, Grandniece. Although I am hoping Teneniel?s all right. She looked a little haggard before going inside.?
Lusa tilted her head to the side. ?Wait, why aren?t you in there with her? Wouldn?t your opinion count for something??
Remmis shook his head. ?I?m a male, Lusa. And still on the outs with Ta?a Chume. She has powerful support in the Senate, and my presence there would only distract and divide Teneniel?s support base.?
Tenel Ka sighed. ?And she needs no distractions now, with her?? She paused and growled. ?With whatever is happening to her. And of course my ?marriage,? she said, making quote signs with her fingers.
?Any idea who told the reporters that?? Lusa asked, concern in her voice. ?If Jacen thinks it?s true-?
?He does not,? Tenel Ka said, interrupting her. ?He knows through my words and through our bond in the Force.? She tapped her chest for emphasis. ?And when he arrives, I will show him my true feelings. Not through words, but through actions.?
Remmis? gray eyes flashed. ?Grandniece, I do not think you fully know what you?re committing to.?
Tenel Ka glanced to the ceiling, followed by Lusa two moments later. ?Whether I do or not is irrelevant, Granduncle. He is coming.? She smiled and lowered her head. Thank you, Jacen.
Hyperspace, en route to the Hapes Consortium
Jacen stretched out as far as he dared to in the cramped confines of his X-wing?s cockpit. ?How did you do it, Jaina?? he wondered out loud. A faint smile crossed his lips as his gloved hand snaked down and under the blast shield of his helmet, banging his fingers on the plasteel. ?See? Another thing you?re better at!?
He leaned forward and checked the range finder on his hyperdrive. ?Have you seen Raynar, Tionne, Streen or Kam? If you do, please tell them I miss them.? The numbers scrolled down zero and Jacen braced himself for reversion.
The reddish smear outside the cockpit window broke apart into thousands of bright lines, each one shortening into brilliant pinpricks of light. Jacen checked the orbital approach as Hapes Prime loomed in the starboard side of the canopy.
A pair of Hapan battle dragons loomed as alarms blared. Jacen silenced them and activated the comm, sending the rust-colored double saucers a signal. ?Hello, there. Jacen Solo? here to see the princess. Is she in??
A gruff female voice came over. ?Send clearance code or prepare to be destroyed.?
Jacen bit down on the tips of his flight glove and slid his hand out. He then reached into a pocket on his flight suit, pulled out a data chip and slid it into a slot below a single green button. He then pressed it. ?Clearance code coming in now.?
The battle dragons slowed before forming up behind Jacen?s X-wing, with an entire wing of Hapan Miy?til fighters swarming out behind him. ?We shall escort you to the Fountain Palace, sir,? the voice said.
Jacen smiled as he pushed the flight stick forward, sending his fighter into the
Bad news. My PC died tonight. I'm getting a new one tomorrow, but I lost everything. And it might be a bit before I can get it hooked up to the net. Sorry!
Hey folks, for those who wanted to know when the PDF of my latest work was to be available, Halt Evil Doer manuscript is now at RPGNow! I've been run especially ragged trying to get everything up and ready for its release but I'm glad to see that it's finally up. You can view a preview at the site before actually purchasing it too for those who want a looksie. If anyone wants to drop their opinion towards me on it, I'd love to hear it. Please say if you've picked up a copy.
Oh and poor RK_Stryker! I'm so sorry!
Thanks, Charles. I'll pick up a hard copy when it comes out. What'd you think of the post? Anyone else?
I have a new PC... except it randomly restarts itself. *Headdesk*
I really like it.
No real suggestions.
Ouch about the PC.
Thank you, Charles. If there are no other objections, I shall post on Sunday, in order to give others time... and to give myself time to work out these thrice-damned PC issues!Seriously, these new keyboards... the keys don't stand out enough! I constantly type... *Breathes in and out* Calm, calm... Sorry.
Okay, post is up. PMs are sent out, too.
I hope Flowerlady's all right, wherever she is.
I was worried about you too, Mac. And Alex and Sara as well.
I'm busy, tired, and I've been slowly been falling out of the SW fandom over the last year. I'm just not as interested in it as much as I used to be.
I think we should finish up the fanfiction just after Corellia.
No Part 3.
I agree. There's Jaina being captured by the good guys, Luke getting back and rallying the Jedi for a strike against Ahrimane, Borsk's government being toppled and Lando being installed as COS and the epilogue/wedding. That's what I can think of at the moment.
Seriously, this has been great. I'm grateful to all four of you for helping in this endeavour.
The signature problem of that tactic is that the story's left hanging. But the problem is, Flowerlady's vanished and padawanlost and I are basically part-timers now and nothing more than that.
Charles and you are the only full-timers left, Jon. I'm willing to help you finish part two but I may not be able to handle part three fulltime.
What we're talking about is making sure part two is not left hanging. Finish it all up in part two. And thanks, that'd be great.
Well as the only two full timers.
Make it so.