Portsmouth are chasing Villarreal striker Diego Forlan, who is said to be exhausted.

This is a thread where I take snippets from BBC Football's daily gossip section and attempt to fashion an lol or two from the raw materials on offer. If I find it amusing then it counts. Also, it might be the case that only I find this amusing, but that's fine by me. Note, contributions may or may not be daily. If you wish, you may also discuss the ramifications of some of the below rumours.

Friday, 17th November 2006

Fulham boss Chris Coleman is preparing to move in with PSV and Finland striker Mika Vayrynen. (Daily Express)

USA teenager Freddy Adu says he is desperate to land at Manchester United, but the pilot has been instructed to fly him to Chelsea. (Daily Express)

Bournemouth boss Kevin Bond is afraid of his old club Southampton. (Daily Star)

Gillingham boss Ronnie Jepson has received 250,000 bids from unnamed clubs for winger Matt Jarvis. He doesn't know where to start. (Daily Mirror)

Agent Willie McKay has blasted buttons at Hibernian. (Daily Record)

David Hannah could be his former Dundee United team-mate Brian Welsh. (Daily Record)

 

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!


Good thread.

 

Saturday, 18th November 2006

David Beckham's decision to marry Tom Cruise has alienated him at Real Madrid. (The Sun)

Swindon boss Paul Sturrock will make his son, The Right Honourable Tony Blair, 25, his first signing for the Robins. (The Mirror)

Portsmouth winger Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer has told boss Harry Redknapp he wants to leave after only three months at Fratton Park. Christmas is coming and he doesn't want to be late. (The Mirror)

The Belgravia group will make their own Alan Curbishley and appoint him as boss if they complete their £140m takeover of Newcastle. (Daily Express)

 

Bournemouth boss Kevin Bond is afraid of his old club Southampton. (Daily Star)

Yes, Saints are a wery wery scwary footballing monster!

 

I don't know about you, but Rupert Lowe scares me.

 

Shoot that should be scared.

 

Sunday, 19th November 2006

Birmingham co-owner David Sullivan says he owns "heaven and earth" and therefore does not need Arsenal's permission to sign on-loan trio Sebastian Larsson, Nicklas Bendtner and Fabrice Muamba on permanent deals if Birmingham get promoted. (Times)

Sunderland hope to sign free-scoring Arsenal striker Anthony Stokes on a permanent and temporary basis when his loan spell at Falkirk comes to an end. Arsenal are said to be confused. (People)

Manchester United striker Alan Smith is hopping to Bayern Munich after turning down offers to hop to Newcastle, Everton and Aston Villa. (People)

Liverpool's Salif Diao, who is on loan at Stoke, says he has no interests. (News of the World)

Terry Venables says reports he has dropped England coach Steve McClaren into a pit of hungry Crocodiles are "utter rubbish". (News of the World)

Newcastle's Kieron Dyer says he is being paid so much money. (People)

Former Celtic forward John Hartson says he cannot understand Rangers striker Kris Boyd. (Sunday Herald)

 

He scares the Bejesus out of me but thankfully Wupert no longer has anything to do with the club nor does his lacky fomer MD Andrew Cowen

 

Sunday, 19th November 2006 (cont.)

Sir Alex Ferguson has sent Charlton forward Darren Bent out to take care of his Christmas shopping. (Sunday Express)

Aston Villa boss Martin O'Neill seems ready to bet Czech striker Milan Baros he can't leave the club. (NOTW)

Liverpool are lining up a move to Rosario Central. Boss Rafael Benitez believes fewer Premiership clubs will be able to find them there. (People)

Sunderland are closing Sheffield United. (NOTW)

Tottenham are sniffing Lens winger Olivier Thomert. (NOTW)

But Spurs are also keen on luring Fulham's Luis Boa Morte across London in the next transfer window. Boa Morte has started using deodorant. (People)

Egyptian striker Amr Zaki is dreaming of Blackburn. Nobody knows why. (NOTW)

Bluebirds are closing in on Luke Chambers of Northampton. (People)

Leeds goalkeeper Neil Sullivan has told new boss Dennis Wise that he can see the future. (People)

Millwall are keeping tabs on Seagulls. (People)

There is a Santa Clause in the contracts of West Ham's Javier Mascherano and Carlos Tevez. (People)

Cristiano Ronaldo is adamant Manchester United are in the Champions League and Premiership this season. (NOTW)

 

He'll only get a discount if he brings a note from the manager.

 

I believe Ferguson has a loyalty card.

 

Monday, 20th November 2006

Chelsea have started talks to buy Ghana and install midfielder Michael Essien as president. (Daily Mail)

Leeds boss Dennis Wise has told goalkeeper Neil Sullivan he obviously cannot see the future, and is free to find a new club. (Various)

Bayern Munich chairman Karl Heinz Rummenigge says the club will be imposing an Owen Hargreaves tax on Manchester United. (The Times)

West Ham's Argentine duo Carlos Tevez and Javier Mascherano will be cold when the club is taken over by Iceland. (Daily Telegraph)

Newcastle manager Glenn Roeder insists he will hurl abuse at the manager of West Ham. (Various)

Rangers striker Nacho Novo says chairman David Murray is tight. (Various)

Luke Young says Iain Dowie was not Charlton manager. (The Sun)

Hearts director Alex Koslovski has branded some of the club's fans in an effort to prevent them defecting to Hibernian. (Various)

 

Wednesday, 22nd November 2006

West Ham boss Alan Pardew will kick Chelsea misfit Shaun Wright-Phillips. (The Sun)

Charlton are preparing a move to Gillingham in January. (Daily Star)

Sheffield United boss Neil Warnock is Manchester United striker Alan Smith. (Daily Mirror)

Alan Gow is sensational. (Daily Record)

Sheffield Wednesday boss Brian Laws will try to find Liverpool striker Craig Lindfield, who has been hidden in a haystack. (Daily Mirror)

Kilmarnock have faked Slovenian striker Jani Sturm. (Daily Record)

Scotland striker Garry O'Connor's abdomen could be sold by Lokomotiv Moscow. (Daily Express)

 

Friday, 24th November 2006

Charlton are conscripting 26 midfielders from Chinese football. (Daily Mirror)

Nottingham Forest will try to lure £500,000 away from Bradford City. (Various)

QPR want to extend midfielder Jimmy Smith. (Daily Mirror)

Paris St. Germain are thought to be Manchester United. (Daily Telegraph)

Liverpool have agreed that Boca Juniors play in Argentina. (Daily Telegraph, Independent)

Man City boss Stuart Pearce says he is not sold on January. (Daily Star)

Blackburn are considering what to do next. (Independent)

Chelsea chief executive Peter Kenyon says they want to be recognised as a football club by 2014. (Various)

Man Utd winger Cristiano Ronaldo will fall apart. (Various)

Reading's Stephen Hunt will carry Chelsea's Petr Cech for at least a year. (Daily Star)

David Unsworth has bagged Sheffield United boss Neil Warnock. (Daily Star)

Liverpool striker Peter Crouch LOL. (Various)

 

LOL!

 

You made that up, I don't believe it!

 

LOL!

 

Man Utd players Wayne Rooney, Cristiano Ronaldo and Michael Carrick have outed themselves. (The Sun)

 

Monday, 27th November 2006

Arsenal midfielder Sebastian Larsson is considering making Birmingham permanent. (Daily Mirror)

Liverpool are said to be hosting a singing goalkeeper contest. (Daily Mirror)

Watford boss Aidy Boothroyd is being chased by Gillingham winger Matthew Jarvis. (Daily Mirror)

Aston Villa and Wigan feature in Garry O'Connor's nightmares. (Daily Record)

Everton boss David Moyes has refused to be without striker Andy Johnson. (Daily Star)

Sheffield United boss Neil Warnock has an ample bust. (Daily Mirror)

Liverpool chief David Moores has flown to Dubai to find the club's new stadium. (Daily Mail)

 

A study by David James (the Portsmouth keeper) has revealed that the average energy output of a professional player over a season could power a house for 10 years. (Times)

 

Saturday, 9th December 2006

Sheffield United chief Kevin McCabe is hoping Premiership rivals forget about the transfer window. (Daily Star)

Sunderland plan to take a whizz. (Daily Star)

Aston Villa boss Martin O'Neill is set to move Oldham. (Daily Mirror)

Bolton boss Sam Allardyce is on West Ham's Argentines Carlos Tevez and Javier Mascherano. (The Times)

Brann Bergen midfielder Charlie Miller is hopping to Cardiff. (Daily Record)

 

Monday, 5th March 2007

Tottenham are ready. (Daily Mirror)

Liverpool are set to sign left-backs. (Daily Mirror)

Sixteen-year-old Ross County midfielder Gary Mackay Steven has a good figure, say Liverpool. (The Sun)

St. Mirren defender Kirk Broadfoot will agree with Rangers this week. (Daily Express)

West Ham manager Alan Curbishley has admitted his team lost 4-3 in a thriller against Tottenham on Sunday. (Various)

Celtic midfielder Shunsuke Nakamura will travel through time against AC Milan in the Champions League after discovering Chroniton particles in his arm after breaking a bone in his hand. (Daily Record)

Celtic defender Stephen Mcmanus must disprove Faraday's Law of Induction by Tuesday if he is to play against AC Milan. (Various)

Celtic players will share in a £4m bonus if AC Milan clinch the Scottish title. (Sun)

Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger is set to whisk injured striker Thierry Henry. (Daily Express)

Jose Mourinho has told Sir Alex Ferguson a secret. (Various)

Police are investigating reserve goalkeepers. (Sun)

Hibernian manager John Collins says he is cooking new goalkeeper Simon Brown. (The Scotsman)

Motherwell manager Maurice Malpas has called on the Scottish FA to take the heart of Vladimir Romanov. (Various)

 

Friday, 9th March 2007

Manchester United may have to stop Cristiano Ronaldo from joining Real Madrid and Barcelona. (The Times)

Fulham will mount French defender Lilian Thuram. (The Sun)

Everton have joined a list of clubs. (Daily Star)

PSV Eindhoven hero Alex fears problems. (The Sun)

Preston have admitted they have lost hot-shot striker David Nugent. (Daily Mirror)

Crystal Palace boss Peter Taylor has poached Chelsea and Arsenal's midfield. He will serve them with peas and carrots. (Daily Express)

Jose Mourinho, 44. (The Guardian)

West Ham defender Lucas Neill insists there are no players at Upton Park. (Daily Express)

Birmingham will get promoted this season. (The Sun)

Sheffield United have offered to take defender Jacob Mellis to Disneyland. (Daily Mirror)

John Arne Riise is chasing his former agent Einar Baardsen through the Norwegian courts. (The Independent)

Reds striker Peter Crouch could become a Surgeon after deciding to fix his broken nose. (Daily Star)

 

Saturday, 10th March 2007

Chelsea skipper John Terry might not be on his way out of Stamford Bridge after his car stalled. (Various)

Tottenham are favourites to to form a boy band. (The Sun)

Liverpool are likely to accept Aston Villa for Craig Bellamy. (Daily Mirror)

French side Marseille are shining a light in the eyes of West Ham striker Carlos Tevez. (Daily Mail)

Valdas Ivanauskas. (Daily Star and various)

Celtic boss Gordon Strachan has hinted captain Neil Lennon will be made an offer he can't refuse at the end of the season. (Daily Record)