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  1. In Memory of LAJ_FETT: Please share your remembrances and condolences HERE

Qui-Gon's First Padawan

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by JKTRAINING, Feb 21, 2001.

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  1. Melne_Crtor

    Melne_Crtor Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Jul 9, 2000
    OK, Liara. I've got a comment for you.

    I know I've said this to you a million times, but proper spelling and grammar can make or break a story. Maybe it's just me and my OCD, but I think if you just paid the mechanics a little attention you'd be flying. I seem to find it distracting when the grammar is stilted (like not using commas to denote speaking to someone: "Yes, Master." ).

    Your writing really improved with that last bit -- I liked it a lot. I think you can extend your writing by delving deeper into your viewpoint characters' thoughts -- it makes for a much more interesting story.

    Those are my thoughts, but they're merely suggestions. I do think you have the ability, Liara. You just need to fine-tune it a bit ('course, Writer's Craft'll help ;))
     
  2. JKTRAINING

    JKTRAINING Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jan 24, 2001
    Here's some more.


    ---------------


    Qui-Gon looked up from his breakfast: "Ariana, would it make you feel better if you told me about your dream?" he asked gently.

    "Well, master, I don't feel so bad now, and if I talk about it it might start to bother me again. So, no, I don't really think so. But thanks for the offer," Ariana replied.

    "Sure, you know you can talk to me about anything, anytime, right?" Qui-Gon asked.

    "Yes, I do. That's what masters are for, right?" Ariana replied happily.

    "Yup, it sure is!" A smile lit Qui-gon's face, and he returned to his food.
     
  3. Aralna

    Aralna Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 1, 2000
    I'm thinking about the dream. Nope, no idea what it means. If anything. Write more so I find out! :D
     
  4. Liara

    Liara Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Nov 15, 2000
    it might take a while but you will see
     
  5. JKTRAINING

    JKTRAINING Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jan 24, 2001
    As soon Ariana finished her breakfast, she got up and started to head towards her room.
    She let her thoughts wander toward her dream. She began to think of possible meanings, could this be foreshadowing of the future? Am I insane or could it just be a figment of my overactive imagination. Ariana began to worry. She felt like she was no good for anyone. How can Master Qui-Gon still want me as a Padawan? As she walked by the mirror that hung in the white
    painted hallway of their quarters, she glanced at her reflection. Look at me, she thought. She carelessly flipped her dark brown Padawan braid over her shoulder. How can I be a good Padawan, I can?t even stay in control of my emotions. She continued to stare at her light green eyes awaiting an answer. She tried to stay in control but as soon as she looked away the tears started to flow. As fast as lightening Qui-Gon was at her side. He put his hand lightly on her
    shoulder.

    ?Is there anything I can do?? he spoke soothingly.

    ?No? she sobbed. ?Let me be alone. I am not worth your trouble.?

    ?It is not trouble,? he replied. ?And if it was I would do it anyway because you are more then worth it.??Now go to your room and relax. I will finish cleaning up breakfast.?

     
  6. Liara

    Liara Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Nov 15, 2000
    by the way to everyone that cares I wrote that part too
     
  7. Aralna

    Aralna Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 1, 2000
    Did you? It was great. :D

    I hope Ariana realizes that she isn't an annoyance to Qui-Gon.
     
  8. Liara

    Liara Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Nov 15, 2000
    yeah someone likes my writting now thats a first
     
  9. Aralna

    Aralna Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 1, 2000
    :eek: I don't believe that. You're a good writer.
     
  10. Liara

    Liara Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Nov 15, 2000
    oh belive me my best friend has said your writting is not very good you know about some story I wrote
     
  11. Aralna

    Aralna Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 1, 2000
    Weird, my friends tell me I write great, even if there are a million mistakes in it.
     
  12. Liara

    Liara Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Nov 15, 2000
    well Melné is a little obsessive with grammer. New post soon
     
  13. Liara

    Liara Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Nov 15, 2000
    see I told you there would be more

    **************************
    Qui-Gon finished cleaning up the table. He hoped that Ariana would be okay, this was
    the first time in a very long time she had experienced nightmares. Suddenly a loud bleeping
    sound came from his room.

    ?My communicator,? he yelled out loud. He ran across the quarters to his room
    and clicked the on button. ?Hello? he said breathlessly into the speaker.

    ?Help me Qui-Gon Jinn you are my only hope,? A deep voice said.

    ?Who is this?? Qui-Gon replied shakily.

    ?Don?t you recognize the voice of your own father?? The voice continued.

    ?What do you want?? Qui-Gon said.

    ?Your sister had been kidnaped and held at ransom. We need Jedi assistance.? His father
    replied.

     
  14. Aralna

    Aralna Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 1, 2000
    Qui-Gon has a sister? :eek: Cool! :D I can't wait to see this!
     
  15. DarthTutor

    DarthTutor Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Feb 9, 2001
    So this was Qui Gon's Padawan before Obi 1?
     
  16. Liara

    Liara Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Nov 15, 2000
    well you never know it is a topic left way open in the movies and EU so why not. Yes it is his padawan before Obi and Xanatos
     
  17. JKTRAINING

    JKTRAINING Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jan 24, 2001
    Qui-gon walked into Ariana's room. "Padawan" He said. Ariana raised her face from the pillow and jumped respectfully to her feet.

    "Master." She replied, her eyes were slightly red.

    "I must go to the council to discuss something with them, I will return later. You just stay here and rest." He turned and hurried out of their quarters.

    I knew it, this is it, he's gone to tell them he doesn't want me as his Padawan anymore. Ariana thought. He'll get a new Padawan, a better Padawan, I was never good enough for him, last night just goes to prove it. I'll be better at being a farmer in the agri-corp. Qui-gon doesn't need me hanging on to him. Ariana slumped sadly back onto her bed and let the tears flow.
     
  18. DarthTutor

    DarthTutor Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Feb 9, 2001
    So we have stories on the board about this Padawan, then this Xanatos and about Qui Gon's first Padaw. He was an occupied man ... In my story he is (will be) very different.
     
  19. Aralna

    Aralna Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 1, 2000
    Oh no! Ariana's having the same thoughts as Obi-Wan, that she should be in the Agricorps. :( (Wait, I think that was in a fan fic...Yes, it was.)

    Come on Ariana, Qui-Gon won't ditch you. He's loyal to his Padawan.
     
  20. Liara

    Liara Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Nov 15, 2000
    Qui-Gon paced nervously in frond of the door to the Jedi council. He had made his plea
    for letting him go to his home planet to save his sister. Yoda walked out of the room with a
    purely Jedi look in his eye.
    ? Sorry I am, go you must not. Dangerous is it,?Yoda said.
    ?Yes Master? Qui-Gon said. He bowed and walked away.

    When Qui-Gon returned he saw his Padawan crying in her room pulling things out of her
    drawers and stuffing them in a bag.

    ?What do you think you are doing Padawan,? he said sternly.

    ?I am getting my things ready to go to agricorps.?

    ?Is that what you think I went to the Council about,? he said trying to hold back a smile.

    ?Yes,? she sniffled.

    ?That is not true Padawan. I would never send you away. You are a wonderful student
    and friend. You teach me something new everyday. I love you like you were my own daughter.?

    ?Really??Ariana said.

    ?Yes,? he replied. On the topic of family I have to tell you something.

    ?What is it?? She asked, concerned

    ?Well I got a help call from my Father to go save my sister from kidnappers. I asked the
    Council if I could go but they refused. But I was thinking of going anyway. You know what they
    say blood is thicker then Bantha drool.? Qui-Gon said.
     
  21. Aralna

    Aralna Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 1, 2000
    Yeah, go anyway. Even if bantha drool would probably be thicker than water. Bring Ariana with you!
     
  22. Liara

    Liara Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Nov 15, 2000
    you will see we will most likely have some more posts up later today
     
  23. JKTRAINING

    JKTRAINING Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jan 24, 2001
    Here you go! Feedback Pleeeeeease!



    ------------------

    Ariana gasped, "Master, you can't go against the council! You could get banished!"

    Qui-gon smiled grimly. "I know, but I think I have to. They are my family after all."

    "The Jedi are your family! You don't even know these people. How can you betray your true family in order to help people you don't know?" Ariana's face was a picture of shock.

    "Padawan, I AM their son. They need my help. I am going, and you need to come. Things could go very bad for you if you stay here."

    "NO! I can not defy the council! They are my family, I am not these strangers child. I can not do this." Ariana exclaimed.

    "Padawan!" Qui-gon reprimanded.

    Ariana gasped as she realized what she had just done. Yelling at your master, never mind refusing to obey him, was a serious offense. Ariana dropped to her knees and bowed her head. "I apologize for my actions, Master. I should not have done that. If you deem it necessary, I will go with you. I also accept any punishment you think appropriate." She remained there, on the floor, awaiting her sentence.

    "Ariana, I will not punish you this time, but any further outburst of that sort will demand a heavy penalty. Now, go get packed." Qui-gon replied firmly.

    Ariana rose, bowed deeply, and said, "Thank you Master." She then hurried to her room to pack.
     
  24. Aralna

    Aralna Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 1, 2000
    Qui-Gon: doesn't care what Council says
    apprentice: Does.
    Hehe, I can't wait for more. (well, I can, but I don't want to.)
     
  25. Liara

    Liara Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Nov 15, 2000
    sorry about keeping you in susupence but I am not quite sure what is going to happen yet so stay tuned
     
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